Today marked the last day of the semester in my third year of teaching. Like most semesters, this one got away from me. The goals and plans didn't always come to fruition. I can say I did a lot of things better this year than the last and next semester will be one step better. As I ended the semester, I planned the same gift-giving venture as last year with one hand-picked book per student. And, like last year, this was met with a lot of groans and indifference. Some left the books on my shelf without more than a glance. Some handed them off to another student when they thought I wasn't looking. This is not shocking. The ideal gift for a student that struggles/dislikes reading is not a book. So why do I do it?
I do it because I hope it shows that I care about them individually. Even though I have small class sizes, sometimes I don't get to talk to each student like I want. I want them to know I've been paying attention and I know they like learning about space or that they want to be a mechanic. I know that they love a romance or a specific author. I may not be giving them the attention they deserve, but I have been listening.
I do it because some kids in my school don't get that many (or any) gifts for the holiday season. Both this year and last year, I had a large number of kids not open their gift because they wanted something to open on Christmas. They may come back in January and tell stories about their hundred of gifts from their parents or their new pair of shoes. They definitely won't come back and tell a story about the book from Miss Siel. But stories aren't reality and if I can make the break a little brighter, I want to do that.
I do it for just one student. The very best part of teaching is that your presence, your words, and your attention can mean something even when you feel like they mean nothing. Most days, I feel as if I'm talking to a wall. Most days, I feel like they aren't learning anything and that I am terrible teacher. But some days, just one student, shows me it's not for nothing. Today, I had a student (who has moved out of reading for next semester-hooray!) write me a note that thanked me for believing in her and not letting her quit and give up. This was a girl that rolled her eyes at me several times, wouldn't even look at me for a week after I called her parents, and was failing my class first quarter.
So, it is true that most of the 68 books I carefully chose and bought were for naught. They will be discarded and the students will laugh if they tell their friends that Miss Siel bought them a book. How lame! But maybe, just one of those 68 books will mean something. Maybe one will be remembered. If it makes a difference for just one student, it is worth everything.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Saturday, December 9, 2017
Searching for Motivations
This year at my school, we have been really focused on something called "restorative practices." Instead of action and consequence. students have to reflect about their own actions, motivation for those actions, who they affected, and possible solutions. They write this out on paper and then actually conference with teachers, administration, or peers in person to resolve issues. It's not a perfect system and it doesn't solve all problems, but I really like that students have to pause and really think about the choices they make.
I even change how I report incidents with this new system. Referrals now have a new piece where I have to choose a "motivation" from a list including things like "obtain peer attention", "avoid work", "anger", "revenge", etc. This has had a big impact on how I think about behaviors in my room. Instead of thinking, "Timmy threw a book across the room. He needs to have a consequence", I think, "Why did Timmy throw that book? Was he frustrated? Maybe he doesn't understand the material. Tomorrow, I will give him extra help." Variations of this have happened all year. And because of the student's responses, I also learn directly from them. They write down that "Mary called me a name in the hallway so I was upset" or "I get really bad headaches and can't focus." It's opened up this channel of communication between many of my students and me.
Over the last several years, I've held this belief that middle school students have raging hormones and can't often express or control their feelings. Recently, though, I've decided this is not just a problem for 13 year olds, but for everyone. When I take a step back and think just like I do when writing referrals, the same motivations apply for adults. Why is she arguing with me about this? Because she's embarrassed that she was wrong. Why is she acting so ridiculous? She is trying to get peer attention. Why is she always so emotional? She feels overwhelmed in life right now.
The same thing applies to me too. The difference between me and my students is that I have confronted many of my flaws by this point in my life. I know that I don't look people in the eye when I talk and I seem standoffish. I know that I always want to be in control and when I lose control, I act out. But I don't know everything about myself. For one of my lessons last week, I had my students take a personality quiz. I took one along with them and one statement said, "I easily express my emotions." I went to click "Agree" and stopped. Just because I cry often does not mean I express my emotions easily. In fact, I came to the realization that I am TERRIBLE at expressing my emotions. Usually, when I'm crying it is not because I am sad, but because I can't put into words how I am feeling and that's my only outlet. Sometimes I will go an entire week fuming with anger and no one will know because I can't figure out why I'm feeling that way and can't express how I am feeling outwardly. I think I need to step back and reflect on my actions, motivations, and solutions just like my students do. I'd like to move toward more restorative practices.
I even change how I report incidents with this new system. Referrals now have a new piece where I have to choose a "motivation" from a list including things like "obtain peer attention", "avoid work", "anger", "revenge", etc. This has had a big impact on how I think about behaviors in my room. Instead of thinking, "Timmy threw a book across the room. He needs to have a consequence", I think, "Why did Timmy throw that book? Was he frustrated? Maybe he doesn't understand the material. Tomorrow, I will give him extra help." Variations of this have happened all year. And because of the student's responses, I also learn directly from them. They write down that "Mary called me a name in the hallway so I was upset" or "I get really bad headaches and can't focus." It's opened up this channel of communication between many of my students and me.
Over the last several years, I've held this belief that middle school students have raging hormones and can't often express or control their feelings. Recently, though, I've decided this is not just a problem for 13 year olds, but for everyone. When I take a step back and think just like I do when writing referrals, the same motivations apply for adults. Why is she arguing with me about this? Because she's embarrassed that she was wrong. Why is she acting so ridiculous? She is trying to get peer attention. Why is she always so emotional? She feels overwhelmed in life right now.
The same thing applies to me too. The difference between me and my students is that I have confronted many of my flaws by this point in my life. I know that I don't look people in the eye when I talk and I seem standoffish. I know that I always want to be in control and when I lose control, I act out. But I don't know everything about myself. For one of my lessons last week, I had my students take a personality quiz. I took one along with them and one statement said, "I easily express my emotions." I went to click "Agree" and stopped. Just because I cry often does not mean I express my emotions easily. In fact, I came to the realization that I am TERRIBLE at expressing my emotions. Usually, when I'm crying it is not because I am sad, but because I can't put into words how I am feeling and that's my only outlet. Sometimes I will go an entire week fuming with anger and no one will know because I can't figure out why I'm feeling that way and can't express how I am feeling outwardly. I think I need to step back and reflect on my actions, motivations, and solutions just like my students do. I'd like to move toward more restorative practices.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
"Miss Siel...How Many Shoes Do You Have?"
Last week, one of my students came to class and asked me how many pairs of shoes I owned. At the time, I thought she was teasing me and I laughed it off without answering. Then the next day she came in, looked at yet another pair of shoes on my feet and asked again. "How many shoes do you have?"
This time I took a look at the serious expression on her face and the awe in her voice. I realized this wasn't a trivial question for her. I looked down at her own feet the pair of worn-out white sneakers that she wore every single day. It hit me like a ton of bricks. While I take pride in never wearing the same shoes two days in a row, she didn't have a choice.
I decided to lean in. She didn't want me to brush it off and act like it didn't matter. To her, it really did. So I looked her in the eyes and sat down in a chair near hers. "Hmmm," I pondered. "Probably like 20 pairs. That's too many, huh?" She grinned and shook her head. "No. I wish I had 20 pairs!" I chuckled and asked her what size she wore. She told me and I said, "Wow, you're gonna have bigger feet than me because you're still growing!" We compared our feet side by side and I told her about how when I was a kid, my feet grew so much, I had to keep changing shoes and one day, they stopped and then I was able to start my collection. She told me about the basketball shoes and track shoes she wanted some day.
We spent the rest of personal reading time in this conversation. It had nothing to do with reading and she didn't get her 10 minutes of reading time in like I usually require, but the time wasn't wasted. I learned to think a bit more about how I was presenting myself. I also learned a lot more about this student in particular and her aspirations. These little moment matter.
This time I took a look at the serious expression on her face and the awe in her voice. I realized this wasn't a trivial question for her. I looked down at her own feet the pair of worn-out white sneakers that she wore every single day. It hit me like a ton of bricks. While I take pride in never wearing the same shoes two days in a row, she didn't have a choice.
I decided to lean in. She didn't want me to brush it off and act like it didn't matter. To her, it really did. So I looked her in the eyes and sat down in a chair near hers. "Hmmm," I pondered. "Probably like 20 pairs. That's too many, huh?" She grinned and shook her head. "No. I wish I had 20 pairs!" I chuckled and asked her what size she wore. She told me and I said, "Wow, you're gonna have bigger feet than me because you're still growing!" We compared our feet side by side and I told her about how when I was a kid, my feet grew so much, I had to keep changing shoes and one day, they stopped and then I was able to start my collection. She told me about the basketball shoes and track shoes she wanted some day.
We spent the rest of personal reading time in this conversation. It had nothing to do with reading and she didn't get her 10 minutes of reading time in like I usually require, but the time wasn't wasted. I learned to think a bit more about how I was presenting myself. I also learned a lot more about this student in particular and her aspirations. These little moment matter.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Movies of 2017
Although I can't believe this is true, the year of 2017 is coming to an end very soon. As I went to the theater tonight, I was thinking back to the movies I have seen this year in anticipation for awards season in a few months. So what have I liked? What have I hated? Here's a quick movies of 2017 in review according to Roxie:
The Best:
The Best:
- I have to start with the movie I saw tonight, Thor: Ragnarok. I went in hoping to like it, but not expecting a lot, since I not only didn't enjoy the last two Thor movies, but haven't really liked any Avenger-esque movies like most people. I always feel like they are shallow and lack depth. Ragnarok started out ordinary for me. They changed stoic Thor into the sarcastic, goofy character that is a proven win like Iron Man and Deadpool and Guardians of the Galaxy and that turned me off a little. Then, it complete turned around. It felt like an immersion into another world. It had a Star Wars or Lord of the Rings vibe rather than a hero beats villain and that's the end. It felt longer than 2 hours. That sounds like a bad thing, but to me it wasn't, as I feel many movies are half-baked and done before they really begin.
- I came into Wind River with no expectations or real idea of what it was about, which could contribute to my love for it. It was a simple story, unlike big blockbusters, but it really hit me emotionally. It was so simple, yet it was powerful and moving. I remember thinking right after it that my Grandpa Dick would like it. I don't know why I thought that or if he would have, since he passed away shortly after I saw it, but I think maybe I attributed that to him because it had a sort of western feel.
- For a horror movie buff like myself, Get Out couldn't have been better. It was absolutely terrifying in a completely different way. Not jump scares or demons or excessive blood, but just a all-encompassing feeling of panic and nervousness and being trapped. The social commentary in this movie was brilliant and I am glad it is getting the recognition it deserves beyond the genre of horror/thriller.
- How could I not have Beauty and the Beast on the list? It was perfect in every way. It captured all the great things from the original and added things that were lacking or unexplained. The music was amazing. The acting was great. I just loved it.
The Worst:
- Atomic Blonde had good reviews from the critics and I'm a fan of Charlize Theron, but I just hated it so much. It was 2 hours of mindless slashing. I mean seriously, it had to have beat a record for most dead bodies.
- I know many will disagree with this one, but I genuinely disliked Baby Driver too. I admit it was visually creative and beautiful and had good music, but the characters felt fake and the plot went nowhere. A big disappointment for me.
- This one would get me in real trouble with the critics. I believe it is a front runner for Best Picture actually, but sitting through Dunkirk was tortuous for me. I don't mind movies with little dialogue, but this one was so heavy on the screeching of planes and explosions that it literally made me want to leave the theater. There are probably less than 100 words said in the whole movie and I didn't even think the visuals were as amazing as everyone made them out to be.
- Despicable Me 3 just didn't need to be made. It was not funny. It wasn't cute. I probably thought "This is stupid" at least once every 5 minutes of the movie. Movie studios just find something that audiences liked and beat it to death.
Yet to Come:
- One of the most anticipated movies right now is Justice League. Although I didn't put it in my "best" category, I did enjoy Wonder Woman and loved Gal Gadot in that role, so I am looking forward to this one. I just hope it doesn't turn into Suicide Squad, which I had so much hope for last year.
- Just because I've been a Star Wars fan my whole life, I have to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi. My sister and I felt the last one in this series was pretty redundant, doing a lot more throwback to the original films than developing new plot lines, so I hope this one is a tad more original. Nothing better than a good jedi fight though.
- I am just dying to see Downsizing and I can't really explain why. I just think the concept is brilliant. Stephen King always says the best stories come from people asking the question "What if...?" and this is a great what if. I also like that the trailers don't really show any conflict, so I am not sure where the story will go. So many trailers show way too much and the actual movie gets compared to the expectations of the trailer.
- Although I don't know a whole lot about it, the things I've read about The Florida Project make me want to see it. I just saw today it is coming to the Ross and I am definitely making a point to see it while it's in town.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
The Halloween Costumes of My Childhood
Do you remember what you were for Halloween as a child? I was thinking about this today. The only two I really remember were when I was Princess Jasmine and when I was Josephina (The American Girl). I know I had to have been many, many other things, but I just don't remember what they were. In my teenage years, I think I was a witch/vampire a few times, and I know from pictures and stories that I was a pumpkin as a baby.
I keep wondering why only these two costumes in between stand out. I think the Josephina probably does because my mom took a lot of time trying to collect the right clothes and jewelry to make me match my favorite book character. Jasmine kind of baffles me. I've been told Beauty and the Beast was always my favorite movie, so why do I remember Jasmine so vividly? I remember the beaded headband and the way the flowy pants felt when I walked. Something about that costume really sticks.
So do you have a specific costume that sticks out to you? Share your memories in the comments!
I keep wondering why only these two costumes in between stand out. I think the Josephina probably does because my mom took a lot of time trying to collect the right clothes and jewelry to make me match my favorite book character. Jasmine kind of baffles me. I've been told Beauty and the Beast was always my favorite movie, so why do I remember Jasmine so vividly? I remember the beaded headband and the way the flowy pants felt when I walked. Something about that costume really sticks.
So do you have a specific costume that sticks out to you? Share your memories in the comments!
Friday, October 27, 2017
Who Am I?
Have you ever seen a Facebook profile with the person never smiling? Or a dating app profile with the person sitting on the couch in every picture? My guess is that you haven't. That's because profile pages are a place to present ourselves as we want to look to others. We want to show others we are happy and successful and have our lives together. We want to show we do fun things on a daily basis. Maybe we want to show we are artsy or creative on Instagram or Pinterest. I mean not all of us are climbing mountains or skiing or ziplining every day, but what dating profile doesn't have the obligatory "adventurous" picture?
Whether it's because I live in a world of social media or because it is just a natural human instinct, I know that I am constantly "editing" myself and trying to be the best me for the situation and context. Because of that, I often feel like I lose my core self. Most of my friends would tell you I am very "chill" and laid-back. My family or students would tell you the opposite. Sometimes, I wish my friends could see me take charge and be the control freak that I often am. More often, I wish I could show how relaxed I can be to family instead of taking over conversations and decisions so often. A while back, I had a wonderful day at work and thought, "I wish other people in my life could see this "me." This is the "me" I like best."
Isn't that a weird thought? Why didn't I just enjoy the day? Why does it even matter what anyone else sees or thinks?
This is something I think about a lot, but haven't ever adequately put into words. This week, though, one of the characters in my book really spoke to me on this subject. In the story, she gets a nose piercing and talks about how she kept seeing herself from outside her body. She was hoping this look would capture the personality she wanted to show to others. Later, she sees her father's reaction to the piercing and feels instantly bad because she now doesn't fit the "good daughter" persona anymore. Throughout the book, she talks about how everyone dresses each day with someone specific in mind, whether it's a boss, parent, crush, husband, or new friend. She looks at herself from the outside instead of how she feels inside her body.
"Quinn wondered why she didn't stick in her own body more...why did she slip out of it so easily? Why wasn't her obligation to herself more binding? What if she slipped out of her body one time and forgot to come back?" --The Whole Thing Together by Ann Brashares
Something about that line really speaks to me. I "slip out" of myself all the time. I've never heard anyone describe it that way, but so often I'm not even really a part of the conversations I take part in. I feel like I'm watching them as a bystander. I look at myself in the mirror with other people's eyes.
As someone who prides myself on my independence and self-efficacy, this is a nagging thought. I have been working hard to be more present in myself. This is why I started going on hikes alone this summer, trying to ground myself. Unfortunately, most of my hikes involved thoughts of pictures I could post on Snapchat or other people who would like this trail or how out of shape I looked when climbing a hill. I had to keep stopping myself. Stare at that sunset. Take a deep breath. Listen to the breeze in the trees.
I'm also trying to ask myself what I like and who I am a lot more. Do I actually like this or do I want others to think I like this? Am I editing my reaction based on the audience? Who do I really want to be for ME? Who the heck am I? I'm still working on it. I probably always will be. But if I find any answers, I'll keep you posted.
Whether it's because I live in a world of social media or because it is just a natural human instinct, I know that I am constantly "editing" myself and trying to be the best me for the situation and context. Because of that, I often feel like I lose my core self. Most of my friends would tell you I am very "chill" and laid-back. My family or students would tell you the opposite. Sometimes, I wish my friends could see me take charge and be the control freak that I often am. More often, I wish I could show how relaxed I can be to family instead of taking over conversations and decisions so often. A while back, I had a wonderful day at work and thought, "I wish other people in my life could see this "me." This is the "me" I like best."
Isn't that a weird thought? Why didn't I just enjoy the day? Why does it even matter what anyone else sees or thinks?
This is something I think about a lot, but haven't ever adequately put into words. This week, though, one of the characters in my book really spoke to me on this subject. In the story, she gets a nose piercing and talks about how she kept seeing herself from outside her body. She was hoping this look would capture the personality she wanted to show to others. Later, she sees her father's reaction to the piercing and feels instantly bad because she now doesn't fit the "good daughter" persona anymore. Throughout the book, she talks about how everyone dresses each day with someone specific in mind, whether it's a boss, parent, crush, husband, or new friend. She looks at herself from the outside instead of how she feels inside her body.
"Quinn wondered why she didn't stick in her own body more...why did she slip out of it so easily? Why wasn't her obligation to herself more binding? What if she slipped out of her body one time and forgot to come back?" --The Whole Thing Together by Ann Brashares
Something about that line really speaks to me. I "slip out" of myself all the time. I've never heard anyone describe it that way, but so often I'm not even really a part of the conversations I take part in. I feel like I'm watching them as a bystander. I look at myself in the mirror with other people's eyes.
As someone who prides myself on my independence and self-efficacy, this is a nagging thought. I have been working hard to be more present in myself. This is why I started going on hikes alone this summer, trying to ground myself. Unfortunately, most of my hikes involved thoughts of pictures I could post on Snapchat or other people who would like this trail or how out of shape I looked when climbing a hill. I had to keep stopping myself. Stare at that sunset. Take a deep breath. Listen to the breeze in the trees.
I'm also trying to ask myself what I like and who I am a lot more. Do I actually like this or do I want others to think I like this? Am I editing my reaction based on the audience? Who do I really want to be for ME? Who the heck am I? I'm still working on it. I probably always will be. But if I find any answers, I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
My "Me Too" Post
Over the past week, all over social media, there has been a trend of women writing "Me Too" to indicate an experience they have had with sexual assault or sexual harassment. When I first saw this circulating, I chose to ignore it. It wasn't because I didn't agree with the intent. I just knew it was another social media fad that would be forgotten in a few weeks. If people don't believe women testifying in court about these things, who is going to believe a Facebook post? But I kept scrolling through comments of "I can't believe that" and "Wow, I'm so sorry." This confused me. The definition of sexual harassment is "unwanted advances or obscene comments." What woman hasn't experienced that? I'd say almost every woman I know has. Personally, I plan grocery trips for high volume hours because of the times I have been followed into the parking lot. I've been grabbed at bars so hard I bruised. I've been called all kinds of names just for saying "No thank you." This is not a rare or shocking occurrence.
For some reason, though, it seems that so many people think this is a problem for others and doesn't happen in their worlds. I had a friend tell me once that her dad thought catcalling wasn't a thing in Nebraska. She said it happened to her about once a week. I've had people from small towns act like "predators" are only in cities. The time in my life that I was sexually harassed the most was in high school in a small town. There was a boy that made me feel uncomfortable almost every day for a year. He would corner me when I was alone and make sexual comments daily and touch me as we went by in the hallway. He wasn't some criminal. He was a nice boy from a good family that was friends with all of my friends. He went to church. He was someone all the teachers and parents loved. I spent most the time thinking something was wrong with me for not liking the attention. I'm not writing this to bash this guy or to get pity. I honestly don't think he thought he was doing anything wrong. I just want to point out that this is not an isolated or "other" problem. This is about men feeling like they have the right to say of do whatever they want to women.
Thanks for letting me vent a bit, Internet friends. Have a great week. As I tell my students whenever they leave the room, "Work hard. Be kind."
For some reason, though, it seems that so many people think this is a problem for others and doesn't happen in their worlds. I had a friend tell me once that her dad thought catcalling wasn't a thing in Nebraska. She said it happened to her about once a week. I've had people from small towns act like "predators" are only in cities. The time in my life that I was sexually harassed the most was in high school in a small town. There was a boy that made me feel uncomfortable almost every day for a year. He would corner me when I was alone and make sexual comments daily and touch me as we went by in the hallway. He wasn't some criminal. He was a nice boy from a good family that was friends with all of my friends. He went to church. He was someone all the teachers and parents loved. I spent most the time thinking something was wrong with me for not liking the attention. I'm not writing this to bash this guy or to get pity. I honestly don't think he thought he was doing anything wrong. I just want to point out that this is not an isolated or "other" problem. This is about men feeling like they have the right to say of do whatever they want to women.
Thanks for letting me vent a bit, Internet friends. Have a great week. As I tell my students whenever they leave the room, "Work hard. Be kind."
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Striking a Balance
The older I get, the more I realize that no one has it all together. I used to think it was just me. I hoped eventually I would "grow up" and start cleaning and making regular meals and going to the gym everyday. I wanted to be a teacher who wasn't staying at school until 6:00 at night and still struggling to get by day to day. I wanted to write in my blog every week and pay my bills on the same date every month. Some days, I just wanted to be a person that got a regular amount of sleep each night.
So far, I haven't gotten good at any of these things. I'm perpetually behind on everything. I'm sleep-deprived, throwing lessons together, not healthy, and just basically a mess. And I don't even have anyone to take care of besides myself. The secret? Neither does anyone else. When you really get to know someone and peek behind those curtains, even the "perfect" people have problems. So many people are trying to balance work life and home life and social life and personal time and most people are falling behind in at least one area. Even those who aren't often have vices to deal or have anxiety or depression as a side effect of being so perfect.
I'm only human and I can't do it all. There are only 24 hours in a day. I still hope I keep getting better, but I may never get to the point where I have it all together. But I guess I'll just make the most of it. One step at a time. One goal at a time.
So far, I haven't gotten good at any of these things. I'm perpetually behind on everything. I'm sleep-deprived, throwing lessons together, not healthy, and just basically a mess. And I don't even have anyone to take care of besides myself. The secret? Neither does anyone else. When you really get to know someone and peek behind those curtains, even the "perfect" people have problems. So many people are trying to balance work life and home life and social life and personal time and most people are falling behind in at least one area. Even those who aren't often have vices to deal or have anxiety or depression as a side effect of being so perfect.
I'm only human and I can't do it all. There are only 24 hours in a day. I still hope I keep getting better, but I may never get to the point where I have it all together. But I guess I'll just make the most of it. One step at a time. One goal at a time.
Sunday, September 24, 2017
What It Means to Be a Fan
After 7 seasons of being a Husker/Husker alum, I have seen my fair share of Husker football fans. I've stood in the student section for over 40 games, so mostly I see students, ranging from nervous/excited freshmen to seniors with face paint and staked out spots. But for the past 3-4 years, I have sat behind the band, closer to the general East stadium crowd with families with hands filled with hot dogs and ice cream and senior citizens with cans who somehow still sit through the entire game, no matter the weather.
No matter what we say about being the "best fans in college football", there are many fans that are arrogant and rude. There are many that don't care an inkling about football and spend most of their time on their phone, getting just the right filter on their picture. But there are a LOT of amazing fans too. Those who stick it out, even when we aren't very good. Those that cheer and clap and encourage always. That's the fan I always hope to be because being a fan of any team in any sport shouldn't really be about the win-loss record.
Yeah, that's right. Hard to believe, huh? Isn't that what sports are all about? You wouldn't believe how many people look at me with pity when I tell them I have season tickets in seasons that aren't going so well. There are people (from Nebraska) who tell me I should find a different team to cheer on who has a better record. Sure, it sucks to be invested in a game and watch it turn into a loss, but that's part of the experience. There are no great highs without lows.
I bring this up this week because my friend and I have a regular seat buddy at the home games this year. He is a man who I would guess is in his 50s. He comes alone, stands in the student section, and screams the entire game. He drives us insane, honestly. He rarely has a good thing to say and has a very vocal suggestions for absolutely everything. I thought, "Why do you watch it if it makes you so upset?" I go to games for the sense of community and the adrenaline rush and anticipation for something I've never seen and the pure love of the sport and for hope--no matter the opponent. He talks to no one, seems stoic, never gives compliments on positive plays, and seems to have no hope at all. So why does he come? Why does he spend over 3 hours on his feet? Why does he pay the money for a ticket? I really genuinely want to know. What makes fans like that continue to be fans? No solution or catharsis on this post, just thoughts and questions.
Happy Sunday and Go Huskers!
No matter what we say about being the "best fans in college football", there are many fans that are arrogant and rude. There are many that don't care an inkling about football and spend most of their time on their phone, getting just the right filter on their picture. But there are a LOT of amazing fans too. Those who stick it out, even when we aren't very good. Those that cheer and clap and encourage always. That's the fan I always hope to be because being a fan of any team in any sport shouldn't really be about the win-loss record.
Yeah, that's right. Hard to believe, huh? Isn't that what sports are all about? You wouldn't believe how many people look at me with pity when I tell them I have season tickets in seasons that aren't going so well. There are people (from Nebraska) who tell me I should find a different team to cheer on who has a better record. Sure, it sucks to be invested in a game and watch it turn into a loss, but that's part of the experience. There are no great highs without lows.
I bring this up this week because my friend and I have a regular seat buddy at the home games this year. He is a man who I would guess is in his 50s. He comes alone, stands in the student section, and screams the entire game. He drives us insane, honestly. He rarely has a good thing to say and has a very vocal suggestions for absolutely everything. I thought, "Why do you watch it if it makes you so upset?" I go to games for the sense of community and the adrenaline rush and anticipation for something I've never seen and the pure love of the sport and for hope--no matter the opponent. He talks to no one, seems stoic, never gives compliments on positive plays, and seems to have no hope at all. So why does he come? Why does he spend over 3 hours on his feet? Why does he pay the money for a ticket? I really genuinely want to know. What makes fans like that continue to be fans? No solution or catharsis on this post, just thoughts and questions.
Happy Sunday and Go Huskers!
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Resumé Virtues vs. Eulogy Virtues
On the first week of school, I opened up a question forum for my students. I said, ask any question you want about me or this class or school or anything. That night, as I read through everything from "What's your favorite color?" to "Will we ever have homework?", I stumbled upon a very different question. The question was, "What do you value most in other people?" I have no idea where such a question came from. I don't know if the student Googled "interesting questions" or heard this in another class or even who asked it (the survey was anonymous), but it made me stop and really think. Wow. What do I value the most?
I am currently reading a book called The Road to Character by David Brooks. I am only about half-way through and have mixed thoughts about it as a whole, but the intro definitely hooked me. Basically, the author says there are two different types of virtues: those that you want to present on a resumé and those someone would present in your eulogy. The first kind bring you external success. They tend to be valued in our everyday lives the most. I tell myself that I have these all the time. We are taught to look for these in ourselves so that we can get a job. The entire interview process is picking out the best of these virtues. I am a problem solver and I am hard-working and I am a good communicator.
But will anyone say any of these things at my funeral?
Probably not. Because no matter how much they matter to my everyday life, they aren't lingering virtues. No one cares how well I communicated after I am gone. What people really value are traits like kindness and bravery and honesty and patience. Those are the things that build meaningful relationships. Those are the things the make us who we are on a much deeper level.
I know for sure I value these eulogy virtues in others. As an example, I once had a coworker at a previous job that was my absolute favorite to work with. She came in with a smile and always asked how you were. You genuinely felt she cared about your response. She was kind to absolutely everyone regardless of their attitude that day and made everyone feel like her friend. And you know what? She was awful at her job. She was constantly playing games on her phone during work. She was spacy and forgot to do things. As a boss, I probably wouldn't hire her, but as a human being, I don't think I will ever forget her genuine compassion.
So what was my answer to the student's question? I came back to school the next morning without a clear answer, but I was thinking about that former coworker of mine. When I got to that period, I realized I had trouble picking something because in every category I chose, I felt like I personally fell short. I really had to confront my own weaknesses. So I told my students the truth, "I loved that question. I have to tell you, I can't really decide. I value effort. But I don't always work as hard as I should. I value education and intelligence, but I still have a lot to learn. And I really value kindness. But sometimes I'm not very kind. I think what is most important is that we just try to be better every day. Not just better at reading, but better as people."
I still am not convinced this was the right answer, but I didn't want to ignore the question altogether either. I do know I have been thinking about how awfully self-centered I usually am and how I need to consider the effort I am putting into relationships and compassion I am presenting to others. I'm hoping I can stop focusing on being the best teacher or student and just try to be a better person.
I am currently reading a book called The Road to Character by David Brooks. I am only about half-way through and have mixed thoughts about it as a whole, but the intro definitely hooked me. Basically, the author says there are two different types of virtues: those that you want to present on a resumé and those someone would present in your eulogy. The first kind bring you external success. They tend to be valued in our everyday lives the most. I tell myself that I have these all the time. We are taught to look for these in ourselves so that we can get a job. The entire interview process is picking out the best of these virtues. I am a problem solver and I am hard-working and I am a good communicator.
But will anyone say any of these things at my funeral?
Probably not. Because no matter how much they matter to my everyday life, they aren't lingering virtues. No one cares how well I communicated after I am gone. What people really value are traits like kindness and bravery and honesty and patience. Those are the things that build meaningful relationships. Those are the things the make us who we are on a much deeper level.
I know for sure I value these eulogy virtues in others. As an example, I once had a coworker at a previous job that was my absolute favorite to work with. She came in with a smile and always asked how you were. You genuinely felt she cared about your response. She was kind to absolutely everyone regardless of their attitude that day and made everyone feel like her friend. And you know what? She was awful at her job. She was constantly playing games on her phone during work. She was spacy and forgot to do things. As a boss, I probably wouldn't hire her, but as a human being, I don't think I will ever forget her genuine compassion.
So what was my answer to the student's question? I came back to school the next morning without a clear answer, but I was thinking about that former coworker of mine. When I got to that period, I realized I had trouble picking something because in every category I chose, I felt like I personally fell short. I really had to confront my own weaknesses. So I told my students the truth, "I loved that question. I have to tell you, I can't really decide. I value effort. But I don't always work as hard as I should. I value education and intelligence, but I still have a lot to learn. And I really value kindness. But sometimes I'm not very kind. I think what is most important is that we just try to be better every day. Not just better at reading, but better as people."
I still am not convinced this was the right answer, but I didn't want to ignore the question altogether either. I do know I have been thinking about how awfully self-centered I usually am and how I need to consider the effort I am putting into relationships and compassion I am presenting to others. I'm hoping I can stop focusing on being the best teacher or student and just try to be a better person.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
You Are What You Say You Are
When I was in driver's education when I was fifteen, I remember after a test drive my instructor asked me "Do you think you did a good job?"
I put my head down and mumbled, "Not really."
I'm not sure why I said that. I hadn't made any major mistakes and had followed all of his directions. I was just sure he was going to give me negative feedback so I wanted to agree.
He was silent for several seconds until I looked up at him. Then he said, "And that's exactly your problem. You were so nervous about messing up that you were not driving smoothly and actually prone to make more mistakes because you lacked confidence. You are what you say you are. So, tell yourself you're a good driver. Or at least that you are going to be a good driver."
Now, anyone that has rode in a car with me will tell you this advice did not make me a better driver. But it did stick with me. There have been several moments in my life when I'm freaking out about something and I stop and tell myself, "No, I am not failing. I am letting nerves get in the way of my success. Be confident. I am good at _______."
Sometimes it really works. If I tell myself enough times that I am a good cook or a good writer or a good speaker or a good listener, I tend to actually improve on those things. Confidence is motivating.
I really noticed the difference confidence can make this week. This is my third year of teaching Reading and I have become comfortable and confident in how to teach these kids this curriculum in this classroom setting. This year, though, I added a reading course in a different classroom across the school. Same curriculum, but different classroom set-up and procedures and a transition to and from a new place. Every day this week, my classes went smooth all day except for this class. It had nothing to do with the students or technology or any outside variable. It all had to do with my self-confidence.
I didn't feel like a "good teacher" in this unfamiliar setting and therefore the lessons were jumbled, the materials misplaced, my feedback often unhelpful. They were the SAME lessons I did in my classroom across the building, but every day just this one class you could tell I was nervous, which made me a worse teacher. So I keep telling myself this weekend, "You are good at this. You can teach this stuff anywhere. Make this new place yours. Teach these kids like you know you can." Hopefully it helps (at least a bit more than it helped my dismal driving skills.)
I put my head down and mumbled, "Not really."
I'm not sure why I said that. I hadn't made any major mistakes and had followed all of his directions. I was just sure he was going to give me negative feedback so I wanted to agree.
He was silent for several seconds until I looked up at him. Then he said, "And that's exactly your problem. You were so nervous about messing up that you were not driving smoothly and actually prone to make more mistakes because you lacked confidence. You are what you say you are. So, tell yourself you're a good driver. Or at least that you are going to be a good driver."
Now, anyone that has rode in a car with me will tell you this advice did not make me a better driver. But it did stick with me. There have been several moments in my life when I'm freaking out about something and I stop and tell myself, "No, I am not failing. I am letting nerves get in the way of my success. Be confident. I am good at _______."
Sometimes it really works. If I tell myself enough times that I am a good cook or a good writer or a good speaker or a good listener, I tend to actually improve on those things. Confidence is motivating.
I really noticed the difference confidence can make this week. This is my third year of teaching Reading and I have become comfortable and confident in how to teach these kids this curriculum in this classroom setting. This year, though, I added a reading course in a different classroom across the school. Same curriculum, but different classroom set-up and procedures and a transition to and from a new place. Every day this week, my classes went smooth all day except for this class. It had nothing to do with the students or technology or any outside variable. It all had to do with my self-confidence.
I didn't feel like a "good teacher" in this unfamiliar setting and therefore the lessons were jumbled, the materials misplaced, my feedback often unhelpful. They were the SAME lessons I did in my classroom across the building, but every day just this one class you could tell I was nervous, which made me a worse teacher. So I keep telling myself this weekend, "You are good at this. You can teach this stuff anywhere. Make this new place yours. Teach these kids like you know you can." Hopefully it helps (at least a bit more than it helped my dismal driving skills.)
Monday, August 7, 2017
Working Nights
School starts next week and today marked the beginning of staff meetings, lesson planning, and laying out a classroom. Last night marked the first night shift. No, I wasn't at the school last night, but at 2:00 am, my brain was definitely on the clock. Already, I was considering how best to accommodate a student with a disability that I haven't even met yet. Already, I was considering who I should pair up as table partners and what supplies I still need. I was brainstorming first-week activities and what topics/articles I should use to teach each strategy. By 2:30, I knew I had to just give in, sit up, and open my computer to jot down notes. I wrote an agenda for a meeting today as well as personal to-do list before I could relax enough to fall asleep.
And tonight, I'll probably reflect on exactly what I did or didn't get done/do well today. The cycle repeats. A teacher's job is never done. Honestly, the next few weeks should be a breeze. I have completed my two awful summer grad classes. I am done working at Haymarket Park for the season. I have more resources than I ever have going into a school year. I'm not doing the after-school program anymore. Teaching, however, always affects me like this, no matter how "caught up" I am. It isn't a part-time job in which I forget the whole process and the customers as soon as I walk out. It isn't a class that has a final grade. It is a process that is always changing based on your students and curriculum and the learning you do as a teacher. Even when a day at school goes well, I know it could have gone better. I know that I should find ways to relax and should stop thinking so much. But I also know that just isn't going to happen. As long as I'm a teacher, I'll be pulling night shifts. However, I am confident that the thought and care I put in does matter to my kids, so I guess the long hours are worth it.
And tonight, I'll probably reflect on exactly what I did or didn't get done/do well today. The cycle repeats. A teacher's job is never done. Honestly, the next few weeks should be a breeze. I have completed my two awful summer grad classes. I am done working at Haymarket Park for the season. I have more resources than I ever have going into a school year. I'm not doing the after-school program anymore. Teaching, however, always affects me like this, no matter how "caught up" I am. It isn't a part-time job in which I forget the whole process and the customers as soon as I walk out. It isn't a class that has a final grade. It is a process that is always changing based on your students and curriculum and the learning you do as a teacher. Even when a day at school goes well, I know it could have gone better. I know that I should find ways to relax and should stop thinking so much. But I also know that just isn't going to happen. As long as I'm a teacher, I'll be pulling night shifts. However, I am confident that the thought and care I put in does matter to my kids, so I guess the long hours are worth it.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Adventures in the Haymarket
Throughout the summer, I have spent several evening taking walks and Pokémon hunting (yes some people still do this). Since most of the Pokestops are in the downtown area, that is usually where I go, strolling through the streets of the Haymarket or up and down P Street. Last night, I decided to go to the UNL campus for my walk. At one point, I looked up from my phone and realized I had no idea where I was at. This is coming from me, whose campus job for three entire years was a tour guide. I knew every back staircase and piece of art on campus and suddenly, only three years later, it looked completely foreign to me. Luckily, I eventually found my way back to my car and tonight I stuck to the Haymarket for my walk. I may not know campus anymore, but my favorite place to be is the Haymarket. Even when I don't see anyone I know (which rarely happens-I always run into someone), everyone and every place feels familiar. I can't really explain why I like this area so much, but I think I can give you a glimpse into one of my night adventures....
I park outside of Hopcat. There are always a lot of people there, even on a Wednesday, so my car doesn't seem so lonely. The music blaring out of the speakers is inexplicitly "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. Going for a melancholy vibe I guess. I swing by the Amtrak station and then wave at the attendant in Parking Garage #1. Her station filled with a bouquet of flowers and unicorn figurines is by far the homiest in all of Lincoln. The Jimmy John's guy almost runs into me as he rushes out to his car. They are serious about this "Freaky Fast" stuff.
Most restaurants are closed now. It is 10:00. One couple remains at Hiro 88, holding hands over the table. The Railyard big screen is still blinding everyone on the street with white light. As I approach the corner of 7th and Q, an aroma of bacon fills my nostrils. Always at this corner. Where does it come from? The jogger that passes me stops at the intersection and I see her sniffing the air too. At least it's not just me. A man with a neon yellow shirt and baggy tye-dye pants walks on the sidewalk toward me. He wears Beats around his neck. "Have a lighter?"he asks as I get closer. I apologetically shake my head. He smiles. "No worries. Have a nice night."
I have definitely worn the wrong shoes. I can now feel the blisters building on the sides of my feet. I could head back to my car...but I have at least 3,000 steps left today on my Fitbit. And my phone says there's a Grimer Pokémon nearby. I'm not about to miss that. I tug my shoes off and stick them under my arm. I walk by a group of boys with skateboards, all leaning against buildings and not actually using their boards, but man do they look cool. The group of men outside Brewsky's may be a little drunk. A group of women head to Starlite for what looks like "girl's night out." None of these groups of people take any notice of the barefoot girl carrying her shoes in one hand and swiping for Pokémon with the other. Lots of waiters and waitresses now shuffle out of buildings. I understand the slumped shoulders and drained look in their eyes. I've been there. Across the street, a girl in all black and heavy eyeliner comes out of Longwell's and sits down on a bench. She grabs a cigarette from her pocket and then groans. She calls to me for a lighter. I shrug my shoulder and yell "sorry" back. I should bring some next time. Might be a good business venture, walking around and selling lighters to the desperate late-night smokers.
When I approach Ivanna Cone, I decide to head down the adjacent alley. The colored lights act as a welcome sign. Wow, the art here is amazing. I have to stop and take pictures. Why haven't I been down this way before?
I turn to my right...and three sets of eyes are turned looking at me. It seems that I have accidently wandered into a photo shoot. A couple and their photographer stare but none of us say a word. They are probably a little weirded out by a girl with no shoes taking pictures of the wall in the background of their photos. Understandable. I'm still trying to figure out how I missed an entire photo shoot. They even have props like a ladder and umbrella lights. Now the only problem is there's no easier way out of the alley. I either have to go past them (which would be ideal for me since my car is closer to that side) or I have to back out the way I came. I hesitantly choose the latter and hurry away. Not really how I wanted the night to end, but then my Fitbit buzzes. I've made 10,000 steps, so I'm calling it a successful night.
Monday, July 17, 2017
The Art of Solo-tasking
I often hear people bragging that they are "great at multi-tasking." I think this is a skill we believe should be rewarded. We are more efficient because we can do more than one thing at a time. The problem is, we are all multi-taskers. In 2017, everyone is doing more than one thing at a time. People are alternating focus between three electronic devices at once. We have 12 tabs open on their computer. We can't even wait to get to our destination before answering an email on our phone while driving. You might think this is usually a good thing because are more productive people. You may be right. But what I have found is that I may be great at multi-tasking, but I am TERRIBLE at solo-tasking.
Let me give you an example. I first noticed this several months back when I started getting into audiobooks. I put my headphones in one evening and sat down on my couch to listen to a chapter. My phone lit up and I read the text message. I remembered I needed something at the grocery store so I made myself a note. I saw some trash across the room and went and cleaned it up. I decided I was hungry and wandered into the kitchen. 20 minutes had gone by and I couldn't remember anything that happened in the story.
You may think the story must have been bad if it didn't keep my attention, but I have listened to many different books, many very good and still struggle every time. I have to walk on my treadmill or doodle in my notebook just to maintain focus on the words coming out of my headphones. I just can't sit in one spot and listen. Isn't that terrible?
So I've been working on being better at this by creating spaces and activities that allow for only one task at a time. When I do homework, I do it in a room without a television and I leave my phone somewhere else. When I go hiking, I purposefully drain my phone battery to about 30% just so I'm not tempted to open up Facebook or Spotify as often and I just focus on the sounds of nature and the act of walking, one foot in front of the other. Today, I went for ice cream. I sat by myself outside in the sun and just ate ice cream for like 15 minutes while watching people walk by. For someone who usually plans lessons or does homework while cramming food down my mouth at lunch, a person who would be in and out of the dining hall in college in 10 minutes at times, this was a big deal. I go to movies at the theater by myself because I am forced to only watch the movie for a 2 hour block (Sidebar: People act like it is sad to go to the theater alone, but are you actually talking to someone while you watch a movie? Movies aren't social events, so I don't understand...but that's a subject for another blog). Last night I even made it through 30 minutes of my audiobook without losing focus. One step at a time.
Let me give you an example. I first noticed this several months back when I started getting into audiobooks. I put my headphones in one evening and sat down on my couch to listen to a chapter. My phone lit up and I read the text message. I remembered I needed something at the grocery store so I made myself a note. I saw some trash across the room and went and cleaned it up. I decided I was hungry and wandered into the kitchen. 20 minutes had gone by and I couldn't remember anything that happened in the story.
You may think the story must have been bad if it didn't keep my attention, but I have listened to many different books, many very good and still struggle every time. I have to walk on my treadmill or doodle in my notebook just to maintain focus on the words coming out of my headphones. I just can't sit in one spot and listen. Isn't that terrible?
So I've been working on being better at this by creating spaces and activities that allow for only one task at a time. When I do homework, I do it in a room without a television and I leave my phone somewhere else. When I go hiking, I purposefully drain my phone battery to about 30% just so I'm not tempted to open up Facebook or Spotify as often and I just focus on the sounds of nature and the act of walking, one foot in front of the other. Today, I went for ice cream. I sat by myself outside in the sun and just ate ice cream for like 15 minutes while watching people walk by. For someone who usually plans lessons or does homework while cramming food down my mouth at lunch, a person who would be in and out of the dining hall in college in 10 minutes at times, this was a big deal. I go to movies at the theater by myself because I am forced to only watch the movie for a 2 hour block (Sidebar: People act like it is sad to go to the theater alone, but are you actually talking to someone while you watch a movie? Movies aren't social events, so I don't understand...but that's a subject for another blog). Last night I even made it through 30 minutes of my audiobook without losing focus. One step at a time.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
8 Memories for my Grandpa's 80th Birthday
I spent the last week in approximately 115 degree weather in Arizona in order to celebrate my Grandpa Dick's 80th birthday. I wanted to do something in honor of this occasion all week, but couldn't think of what exactly to write about. My grandpa has always been a dynamic character in my life. He changes his mind on the turn of a dime and can make you so frustrated, but he also cares deeply about his family and listens even when he doesn't seem to be. Since I think it's impossible to list 80 of anything, I just chose 8 moments that stand out to me when it comes to Grandpa.
1. Thanksgiving on Beach Chairs--One year I decided to go down by myself and spend Thanksgiving weekend with Grandpa. We ended up eating lunch on the day of Thanksgiving with family (most of whom I had never met before). As I may have mentioned, I am terrible in social situations, especially when I don't know everyone and after eating I was awkwardly wandering around the house, just wanting to go home. Grandpa put his hand on my shoulder and asked me to come outside with him. We lounged on the beach chairs in the sun, not saying a word for at least the next 30 minutes. I'm not sure why he pulled me out there, but those silent, sunny minutes were the most peaceful of the day.
2. Fireworks Stand--For several years, my family set up a fireworks stand in Franklin to earn extra money for college. Although I was old enough to run the stand myself, Grandpa insisted on being there every day. And he also insisted on providing lunch every day. Which always consisted of either Casey's pizza or hot dogs. I was so sick of those things for that week, but he was so proud to have contributed.
3. Stargazing--Grandpa is always trying to teach me some kind of lesson, whether its about history or politics or just life in general. I admit that many of them are ignored, but one thing I always remember him teaching me is how to find the north star on any given night. Whenever I'm sitting outside at night, I feel the need to point it out so he knows I excelled in this lesson.
4. Convenience Store Runway--One summer when I stayed with my aunt and uncle in Columbus, I would often go to my grandpa's convenience store. He always let me pick out an iced honey bun on the shelf to eat. One year, though, after I was finished eating breakfast, he set me to the task of walking back and forth on a straight line between tiles on the floor. Back and forth. Back and forth. He said it was to practice being a model. It was probably because I was so clumsy and he was tired of watching me trip over my own feet. Whatever crazy motive, I remember the weird runway walk.
5. Interstellar--One of the last times I stayed with my grandpa, I asked him to drive me to the movie theater. He, like usual, insisted on going along. It was a 10:00 movie and it was long. I tried to convince him otherwise, but he went to see Interstellar with me. And he was utterly confused. He turned to me at least every 5 minutes the entire movie asking me "Who is that?" "Why did he do that?" "Where are they now?" and so on. I explained everything I could (it is a bit hard to follow the first time) and afterwards, he couldn't stop telling me that I was so smart to figure out the movie. The next morning when I woke up, he had written 3 more questions he forgot to ask the night before.
6. Cookies--When I stayed over Thanksgiving, Grandpa took me to the store to pick out drinks and snacks for the weekend. He told me I had to pick out cookies to go in the cookie jar. I picked out Chips Ahoy Chunky ones and watched the entire day as the cookie level got lower and lower as each of us grabbed one on the way through the kitchen. The entire box was gone in less than 24 hours. I still think of him when I buy those cookies.
7. Story-telling--I remember telling my grandpa when I was younger that I was going to be a famous writer. Instead of being practical or blowing me off, he told me to tell him all about the story I was going to write. We walked around the blocks of Franklin while I chatted his ear off about characters and plot twists and he listened the whole time and even asked questions. It made me feel as if he really thought I could do it.
8. Double Solitaire--Although whenever I think of the game of double solitaire, I think of my parents battling it out, I also remember teaching the game to my grandpa once. Neither of us was nearly as fast as my parents, but we made for a good, slow rivalry for several games.
1. Thanksgiving on Beach Chairs--One year I decided to go down by myself and spend Thanksgiving weekend with Grandpa. We ended up eating lunch on the day of Thanksgiving with family (most of whom I had never met before). As I may have mentioned, I am terrible in social situations, especially when I don't know everyone and after eating I was awkwardly wandering around the house, just wanting to go home. Grandpa put his hand on my shoulder and asked me to come outside with him. We lounged on the beach chairs in the sun, not saying a word for at least the next 30 minutes. I'm not sure why he pulled me out there, but those silent, sunny minutes were the most peaceful of the day.
2. Fireworks Stand--For several years, my family set up a fireworks stand in Franklin to earn extra money for college. Although I was old enough to run the stand myself, Grandpa insisted on being there every day. And he also insisted on providing lunch every day. Which always consisted of either Casey's pizza or hot dogs. I was so sick of those things for that week, but he was so proud to have contributed.
3. Stargazing--Grandpa is always trying to teach me some kind of lesson, whether its about history or politics or just life in general. I admit that many of them are ignored, but one thing I always remember him teaching me is how to find the north star on any given night. Whenever I'm sitting outside at night, I feel the need to point it out so he knows I excelled in this lesson.
4. Convenience Store Runway--One summer when I stayed with my aunt and uncle in Columbus, I would often go to my grandpa's convenience store. He always let me pick out an iced honey bun on the shelf to eat. One year, though, after I was finished eating breakfast, he set me to the task of walking back and forth on a straight line between tiles on the floor. Back and forth. Back and forth. He said it was to practice being a model. It was probably because I was so clumsy and he was tired of watching me trip over my own feet. Whatever crazy motive, I remember the weird runway walk.
5. Interstellar--One of the last times I stayed with my grandpa, I asked him to drive me to the movie theater. He, like usual, insisted on going along. It was a 10:00 movie and it was long. I tried to convince him otherwise, but he went to see Interstellar with me. And he was utterly confused. He turned to me at least every 5 minutes the entire movie asking me "Who is that?" "Why did he do that?" "Where are they now?" and so on. I explained everything I could (it is a bit hard to follow the first time) and afterwards, he couldn't stop telling me that I was so smart to figure out the movie. The next morning when I woke up, he had written 3 more questions he forgot to ask the night before.
6. Cookies--When I stayed over Thanksgiving, Grandpa took me to the store to pick out drinks and snacks for the weekend. He told me I had to pick out cookies to go in the cookie jar. I picked out Chips Ahoy Chunky ones and watched the entire day as the cookie level got lower and lower as each of us grabbed one on the way through the kitchen. The entire box was gone in less than 24 hours. I still think of him when I buy those cookies.
7. Story-telling--I remember telling my grandpa when I was younger that I was going to be a famous writer. Instead of being practical or blowing me off, he told me to tell him all about the story I was going to write. We walked around the blocks of Franklin while I chatted his ear off about characters and plot twists and he listened the whole time and even asked questions. It made me feel as if he really thought I could do it.
8. Double Solitaire--Although whenever I think of the game of double solitaire, I think of my parents battling it out, I also remember teaching the game to my grandpa once. Neither of us was nearly as fast as my parents, but we made for a good, slow rivalry for several games.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Why Cats are Misunderstood
I feel like most of the time when people find out I have cats, they make a lot of assumptions about them. In general, people view cats as standoffish animals with bad attitudes. It is true they have distinct personalities like any animal, but they are no less friendly and loving than a dog. I love dogs of all kinds, but I truly believe cats can just as easily be "man's best friend."
Lie #1: Cats are not loyal.
When I was a kid, any time I was sick at all and lying in bed, my cat Comanche would snuggle up next to me. She didn't demand anything from me. She was just a constant presence. It is as if she could sense my illness and wanted to be there by me. All day long. That was loyalty. My cat now, Bowser, waits by the door for me to get home. He may not squeal or wag his tail when I arrive home, but he purrs and purrs and rubs against my leg and I can tell he missed me every single time.
Lie #2: Cats don't play with you.
This is crazy to me. Cats are so playful. I play hide and seek and fetch with Bowser all the time. Max is 16 years old and he still likes to toss toys in the air and swat my hand when I run it back and forth under a blanket. Whenever I'm gone for a long time, my cats bring me toys because they were bored and now need some play time.
Lie #3: Cats are dirty.
Cats are the only pet I know that clean themselves...constantly. Sure, they use the bathroom in the house, but that makes less inconvenience of letting them out for you and it's not that hard to clean up. Bowser is so clean that he actually cleans up after me. I'm not kidding. One time I dropped pasta on the floor and as I went to get something to clean it up, he had already pushed it all to the side, covered it with a nearby paper, and was licking up the sauce stuck to the carpet. He hates messes.
Lie #4: Cats always want to be alone.
Sometimes I wish my cats would leave me alone. Just for one minute. They follow me EVERYWHERE.
Lie #1: Cats are not loyal.
When I was a kid, any time I was sick at all and lying in bed, my cat Comanche would snuggle up next to me. She didn't demand anything from me. She was just a constant presence. It is as if she could sense my illness and wanted to be there by me. All day long. That was loyalty. My cat now, Bowser, waits by the door for me to get home. He may not squeal or wag his tail when I arrive home, but he purrs and purrs and rubs against my leg and I can tell he missed me every single time.
Lie #2: Cats don't play with you.
This is crazy to me. Cats are so playful. I play hide and seek and fetch with Bowser all the time. Max is 16 years old and he still likes to toss toys in the air and swat my hand when I run it back and forth under a blanket. Whenever I'm gone for a long time, my cats bring me toys because they were bored and now need some play time.
Lie #3: Cats are dirty.
Cats are the only pet I know that clean themselves...constantly. Sure, they use the bathroom in the house, but that makes less inconvenience of letting them out for you and it's not that hard to clean up. Bowser is so clean that he actually cleans up after me. I'm not kidding. One time I dropped pasta on the floor and as I went to get something to clean it up, he had already pushed it all to the side, covered it with a nearby paper, and was licking up the sauce stuck to the carpet. He hates messes.
Lie #4: Cats always want to be alone.
Sometimes I wish my cats would leave me alone. Just for one minute. They follow me EVERYWHERE.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Just Say "Thank You"
Have you ever complimented someone and then regretted the compliment after their reaction?
Here, I'll give you some scenarios:
Scenario #1...
Me: You look really nice today.
Them: Yeah, well I've been working out every morning at such and such gym. I've always been a morning person. My parents were morning people, so it just runs in my family I guess. I don't understand how people can sleep in. Such a waste of a day. And I stopped drinking pop, even diet soda. Do you know how bad those are for you?
(Shut up. I didn't want a lecture. I didn't even ask a question.)
Scenario #2....
Me: You look really nice today.
Them: (looking down at the ground and shaking their head) Oh, that's not true. I'm the same as always. I'm just wearing a boring t-shirt today.
(If it wasn't true, I wouldn't have said it. Don't hand back what I gave to you. That's like giving back a gift because you didn't like it.)
This reception of compliments has always been a pet peeve of mine, but if I'm honest with myself I lean toward the second scenario myself. Although I do thank people when they give a compliment, I tend to do it with a shrug or rolled eyes or a chuckle as if I'm not totally accepting their comment. It's ridiculous and devaluing to myself.
I know a lot of people (especially girls) who struggle to accept positive comments even if it's about something simple. I always tell one of my best friends I love her hair and she usually replies, "Ugh. I didn't even brush it this morning." Recently, I told a coworker that she was so patient and she said, "Oh, it's not that big of a deal."
This idea is coming up because I faced my own moment the other day at my job at the Haymarket. A newer employee said to me, "You are the youngest one at this stand and you are in charge. You must be a good worker." My immediate, knee-jerk reaction was to dismiss this. I wanted to say that it was a just lucky or that I wasn't sure that was true or to laugh, but I stopped myself. I looked him in the eyes and smiled and said "Thank you." And it felt good. I am a good worker. I work hard and am responsible and reliable and organized and any excuse I give is just a way to lower instead of build my self-esteem.
So, the next time you get a compliment, take it. It's yours. You deserve it. Just say "thank you."
Here, I'll give you some scenarios:
Scenario #1...
Me: You look really nice today.
Them: Yeah, well I've been working out every morning at such and such gym. I've always been a morning person. My parents were morning people, so it just runs in my family I guess. I don't understand how people can sleep in. Such a waste of a day. And I stopped drinking pop, even diet soda. Do you know how bad those are for you?
(Shut up. I didn't want a lecture. I didn't even ask a question.)
Scenario #2....
Me: You look really nice today.
Them: (looking down at the ground and shaking their head) Oh, that's not true. I'm the same as always. I'm just wearing a boring t-shirt today.
(If it wasn't true, I wouldn't have said it. Don't hand back what I gave to you. That's like giving back a gift because you didn't like it.)
This reception of compliments has always been a pet peeve of mine, but if I'm honest with myself I lean toward the second scenario myself. Although I do thank people when they give a compliment, I tend to do it with a shrug or rolled eyes or a chuckle as if I'm not totally accepting their comment. It's ridiculous and devaluing to myself.
I know a lot of people (especially girls) who struggle to accept positive comments even if it's about something simple. I always tell one of my best friends I love her hair and she usually replies, "Ugh. I didn't even brush it this morning." Recently, I told a coworker that she was so patient and she said, "Oh, it's not that big of a deal."
This idea is coming up because I faced my own moment the other day at my job at the Haymarket. A newer employee said to me, "You are the youngest one at this stand and you are in charge. You must be a good worker." My immediate, knee-jerk reaction was to dismiss this. I wanted to say that it was a just lucky or that I wasn't sure that was true or to laugh, but I stopped myself. I looked him in the eyes and smiled and said "Thank you." And it felt good. I am a good worker. I work hard and am responsible and reliable and organized and any excuse I give is just a way to lower instead of build my self-esteem.
So, the next time you get a compliment, take it. It's yours. You deserve it. Just say "thank you."
Sunday, May 28, 2017
The Language of Flowers
I recently read a book called The Language of Flowers. It was fabulous. You should read it. But that book isn't necessarily what this post is about. The important piece is that, throughout the story, the main character, who struggled to open herself up to others or share thoughts or feelings, used flowers and their inherent meaning (according to what she learned) to communicate with others. She would hand someone a peony symbolizing anger to let out her frustration for example.
While I found that there are a million different meanings online for every flower, so the world isn't as concrete as Victoria (the main character) tried to make it be, I became very in tune to flowers and how they made me feel. I was surprised by how many flowers I encounter in an average week, whether in pictures or in offices or in my neighborhood.
I've always said I wasn't a "flower person" because I'm not that thrilled with the idea of receiving a bouquet as a gift and watching it die, but I do think fondly of the sweet scent of lilacs in May and the breeze blowing over cherry blossoms on campus, and the bold colors of tiger lilies in July. Flowers are not only beautiful, but memorable and tie us to different moments and feelings easily. I can definitely understand why Victoria was drawn to them.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Something to do With My Hands (or Brain)
In the school year full of slime, flipped water bottles, rubber bands, and fidget spinners, I've heard my fair share of "I just need something to do with my hands." Of course, I tell my students most of this time that this is just an excuse for being obnoxious, but it seems that we are now in an era where focus on one task is hard to come by. I know I struggle to watch an entire television show without eating or playing on my phone or doing some other task during the show. This week without Internet or television drove me completely crazy.
While I'm not exactly a "fidgeter", I prefer to be busy and always doing something. I think that is part of the reason I tend to overbook myself, working several jobs and taking grad classes and volunteering when I can. I don't need the extra job at the Haymarket, but there is something totally satisfying to me about a 6 hour shift in which I never had any down time. I'm exhausted at the end, but feel like my hours went to good use. When I don't have grad papers and reading to do after school (like now when I'm on a short break), I actually make myself lists of things to do like alternating between reading a book and doing dishes and writing lesson plans and going to the gym, just so I don't have to sit and let my mind wander to overthink something stupid instead.
Of course, there are times when no plans and no obligations and relaxation is important. I'm sure I could use some more of that. But for now, I'm okay with keeping my body and brain busy.
While I'm not exactly a "fidgeter", I prefer to be busy and always doing something. I think that is part of the reason I tend to overbook myself, working several jobs and taking grad classes and volunteering when I can. I don't need the extra job at the Haymarket, but there is something totally satisfying to me about a 6 hour shift in which I never had any down time. I'm exhausted at the end, but feel like my hours went to good use. When I don't have grad papers and reading to do after school (like now when I'm on a short break), I actually make myself lists of things to do like alternating between reading a book and doing dishes and writing lesson plans and going to the gym, just so I don't have to sit and let my mind wander to overthink something stupid instead.
Of course, there are times when no plans and no obligations and relaxation is important. I'm sure I could use some more of that. But for now, I'm okay with keeping my body and brain busy.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Books From the Last Five Years
For someone who read over 60 books last year, you would think I would be the source to go to for what the hot book is right now. I'm actually not. Although I see books that are getting attention on Amazon and Goodreads, I don't usually read them right away. If they look interesting, I add them to a list and someday I'll read them, but not when they are "hot." I actually do the same thing with movies and shows and podcasts. I have lists full of Stranger Things and S-Town and all the other trends and recommendations over the past years. There is just so much to consume. I'm always trying to discover classics that I missed or books my students might read or just reading something from a new genre (or a loved one). I take one at a time, usually at random, without looking up descriptions or having someone tell me about them first.
I do read some recent books though. I've been trying to do more, so always feel free to suggest something new. I made a list of recent books that I have read (published within the last five years) that I loved just in case you're looking for a summer read.
I do read some recent books though. I've been trying to do more, so always feel free to suggest something new. I made a list of recent books that I have read (published within the last five years) that I loved just in case you're looking for a summer read.
General Fiction (and one memoir)
A House in the Sky (memoir)-Amanda Lindhout
Gone Girl-Gillian Flynn
The Husband’s Secret-Liane Moriarty
Life After Life-Kate Atkinson
And the Mountains Echoes-Khaled Hosseini
Young Adult Fiction
Monument 14-Emmy Laybourne
The Darkest Minds-Alexandra Bracken
Second Chance Summer-Morgan Matson
Infernal Devices Series-Cassandra Clare
Graceling Series-Kristin Cashore
Poetry
Father, Child Water-Gary Dop
Brown Girl Dreaming-Jacqueline Woodson
Sunday, April 30, 2017
A Rainy Weekend Brings Me Back to My Roots
Last year, my dad sold the dirt contracting business that he had worked countless hours at my entire life. Now, he spends his days in Arizona with a pool and bar in his back yard, big machines and leveled dirt only in his memories. Even though that profession isn't a part of my life or my family's life anymore, it's funny how it can stick with you.
As I sat and watched it rain and rain and rain this weekend, all I kept thinking about is how muddy those construction sites were going to be. I kept remembering my dad moping around the house, thinking about the time and money he was losing. I was actually really upset that my rain gauge wasn't out because I felt the need to go check how many inches we had accumulated. I even made potato soup because I knew that was what my dad would have put his effort into when he got rained out.
This isn't the only way I'm still attached to the construction business. I can't tell you how many times in this past year I've driven by yellow bulldozers or scrapers and turned my head, looking for that Siel Construction label on the side that I know isn't there. Sometimes I'll see a truck with Oversize Load on the back and check the cab for a familiar face. I drive over highways all the time and wonder did my dad ever work on this stretch of land? Even though I was never involved in my dad's business more than holding a stop sign on the side of the road for one summer, it's amazing how others' lives and careers can seep into your own without you thinking about it.
As I sat and watched it rain and rain and rain this weekend, all I kept thinking about is how muddy those construction sites were going to be. I kept remembering my dad moping around the house, thinking about the time and money he was losing. I was actually really upset that my rain gauge wasn't out because I felt the need to go check how many inches we had accumulated. I even made potato soup because I knew that was what my dad would have put his effort into when he got rained out.
This isn't the only way I'm still attached to the construction business. I can't tell you how many times in this past year I've driven by yellow bulldozers or scrapers and turned my head, looking for that Siel Construction label on the side that I know isn't there. Sometimes I'll see a truck with Oversize Load on the back and check the cab for a familiar face. I drive over highways all the time and wonder did my dad ever work on this stretch of land? Even though I was never involved in my dad's business more than holding a stop sign on the side of the road for one summer, it's amazing how others' lives and careers can seep into your own without you thinking about it.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
When I Became the Dumb Girl in a Horror Movie...
It is dark outside and the windows in my living room reflect an image of myself, headphones in and computer on my lap, back at me. My cat, Bowser, is curled up on a blanket beside me. A normal weekday night. Suddenly, Bowser jumps up. His ears prick up on high alert. I pull an ear bud out to listen too. The house is instantly eerie and I hear all the rustling and squeaks of the house. I pause a moment, about to put the earbud back in. Then, a loud howl comes from up the stairs. I immediately know it is my other cat Max. He howls again and I drop the computer next to me and start running up the stairs, hollering for him.
"Max! Max! Are you okay?"
I get to the top of the stairs and there Max sits at the top. There are no visible signs of trauma. The howls from only seconds before don't seem connected to him at all. I kneel down to check him more closely, petting his head, more to comfort myself than him.
I think I hear a noise. I pull my head up, look forward into the bathroom...and the shower curtain moves, flapping slightly at the bottom.
I freeze momentarily and then quickly check to confirm that Bowser is on the steps behind me. He looks back at me with curious eyes. I turn back to the bathroom.
And then, for who knows what reason, I do the one thing that my friends and I yell at every person in every horror movie for doing. I walk toward the bathroom. Do I have a weapon? Nope. Do I have my phone in my hand? Nowhere near me. I just can't go anywhere or do anything until I find out what is behind that curtain. I even do the whole "Hello? Is someone there?" thing. What do I think was gonna happen? An intruder will come out into the open and say something like "Hi, how are you tonight?"
After a few cautious steps, I fling the shower curtain open with a loud clang. Nothing is there....obviously.
I have to tell you, I am truly a weird person, because I kind of enjoyed the adrenaline rush of that night. My heart raced as I checked every crevice of the house. I actually thought, "Maybe I should write a horror novel." Later, that week, my friend Sarah and I actually watched some new horror movies.
I did think about the characters a bit differently this time around though. I always yell at the screen to "RUN" but, in the moment it is sometimes better to confront than hide from the scary things. The known, no matter how bad, is better than the unknown.
"Max! Max! Are you okay?"
I get to the top of the stairs and there Max sits at the top. There are no visible signs of trauma. The howls from only seconds before don't seem connected to him at all. I kneel down to check him more closely, petting his head, more to comfort myself than him.
I think I hear a noise. I pull my head up, look forward into the bathroom...and the shower curtain moves, flapping slightly at the bottom.
I freeze momentarily and then quickly check to confirm that Bowser is on the steps behind me. He looks back at me with curious eyes. I turn back to the bathroom.
And then, for who knows what reason, I do the one thing that my friends and I yell at every person in every horror movie for doing. I walk toward the bathroom. Do I have a weapon? Nope. Do I have my phone in my hand? Nowhere near me. I just can't go anywhere or do anything until I find out what is behind that curtain. I even do the whole "Hello? Is someone there?" thing. What do I think was gonna happen? An intruder will come out into the open and say something like "Hi, how are you tonight?"
After a few cautious steps, I fling the shower curtain open with a loud clang. Nothing is there....obviously.
I have to tell you, I am truly a weird person, because I kind of enjoyed the adrenaline rush of that night. My heart raced as I checked every crevice of the house. I actually thought, "Maybe I should write a horror novel." Later, that week, my friend Sarah and I actually watched some new horror movies.
I did think about the characters a bit differently this time around though. I always yell at the screen to "RUN" but, in the moment it is sometimes better to confront than hide from the scary things. The known, no matter how bad, is better than the unknown.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
A Safe Place
Four days a week, as the final bell rings in my classroom, I don't watch my room clear out, but instead wait as about 15-20 screaming, wild children pile in. I am a Power Hour teacher, which means after school I watch a group of 7th graders complete their homework (or more likely avoid completing their homework) from 3:00-4:00. As other teachers walk out to the parking lot and head home, I attempt to placate children who have already been sitting at desks for over six hours that day. It is by far the most exhausting hour of my day. I won't lie and tell you I do it for some noble reason or I want to be there for the kids. I honestly signed up for the extra money (I have student loans, you know), but I do like the idea that I get to make connections with kids I would otherwise never see. I become the person who asks each day what homework they have, holding them accountable.
On my one day a week that I don't work at Power Hour, I am usually at a meeting. Department meetings, professional development, or staff meetings make up my Tuesdays. But on one day a month--one lone and glorious day--I have neither meetings nor Power Hour on my calendar. In theory, I should be able to walk out the door at 3:00 with no obligations and a free afternoon.
I never, ever have.
That is because on those days, I always find stragglers in my room. Two girls will shyly wander in and ask if they can avoid the crowds downstairs and help me with something. I give them simple cleaning tasks and they giggle and talk about middle school gossip and make grand plans to hook me up with every male teacher in the building. Then, a boy comes in and asks if I can help him with his grade. What starts as reading tutoring soon turns into conversations about his basketball team and help with his math homework and then predictions about who will win the NBA playoffs this year. Another boy asks to use my phone and then waits for his mom while charging his Chromebook using my outlet. This is one example of the pattern that happens every month.
I could shut them out. I could say, "No, I have to get home" or "You should be downstairs with everyone else." I never do. This is because I understand the value of a safe place. A place away from social drama of school. A place that feels like home. I remember sneaking down the hallway after lunch almost every day to "work on the yearbook" where I mostly just messed around with a few other students and talked. Those were some of my favorite moments of the day. So many students find their own places. I see students getting "help with math" every day in a classroom down the hall. I watch students linger in the band room as they pick up their instruments. Some students sign up for science fair just to have a place to go each day.
My classroom is a space of learning. This, of course, is its primary purpose. But if it can also be a shelter for the wanderers, I think that's a pretty awesome purpose too.
On my one day a week that I don't work at Power Hour, I am usually at a meeting. Department meetings, professional development, or staff meetings make up my Tuesdays. But on one day a month--one lone and glorious day--I have neither meetings nor Power Hour on my calendar. In theory, I should be able to walk out the door at 3:00 with no obligations and a free afternoon.
I never, ever have.
That is because on those days, I always find stragglers in my room. Two girls will shyly wander in and ask if they can avoid the crowds downstairs and help me with something. I give them simple cleaning tasks and they giggle and talk about middle school gossip and make grand plans to hook me up with every male teacher in the building. Then, a boy comes in and asks if I can help him with his grade. What starts as reading tutoring soon turns into conversations about his basketball team and help with his math homework and then predictions about who will win the NBA playoffs this year. Another boy asks to use my phone and then waits for his mom while charging his Chromebook using my outlet. This is one example of the pattern that happens every month.
I could shut them out. I could say, "No, I have to get home" or "You should be downstairs with everyone else." I never do. This is because I understand the value of a safe place. A place away from social drama of school. A place that feels like home. I remember sneaking down the hallway after lunch almost every day to "work on the yearbook" where I mostly just messed around with a few other students and talked. Those were some of my favorite moments of the day. So many students find their own places. I see students getting "help with math" every day in a classroom down the hall. I watch students linger in the band room as they pick up their instruments. Some students sign up for science fair just to have a place to go each day.
My classroom is a space of learning. This, of course, is its primary purpose. But if it can also be a shelter for the wanderers, I think that's a pretty awesome purpose too.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Accepting Yourself
As I was reviewing my past several blog posts, I realized that they definitely haven't been as positive or uplifting as my usual tone in the last few months. I don't think this is unusual. In past years the trend has been to be less optimistic in the months of February and March (Did you know I've been doing this blog for almost 5 years now?!?). But something about springtime, the warmer weather and flowers blooming, always makes me want to move on and change my outlook on life. Easter weekend seems like the right time to set the tone for the rest of my 2017.
My siblings are coming over this weekend. I don't talk to my brother and sister very regularly. We all have busy lives. We would be there for each other in a heartbeat, but we also know that we can do things by ourselves. I know that we will all put in as much effort as we can in our schoolwork or jobs. We will all take care of our financial situations and pay for our college educations. In difficult situations, we will figure out a solution. Sure, we sometimes call home and run through options with our parents, but we make our own decisions. But as a whole, we have high standards for ourselves and believe in we are good enough without anyone telling us so.
Of course, we all have strengths. I really admire Josh's easy-going attitude. He is so self-assured that, unlike Brigitte and I, he doesn't hesitate or question his decisions. He does what he does and he is happy with it. No regrets. I love Brigitte's ambition. She has big dreams for herself and believes she can do everything she sets her mind to. I believe it too.
Like with my siblings, I truly believe I am capable of taking care of myself. I am independent. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am motivated. Even so, I think I am lonely. Not because I live alone or work mostly alone or need a boyfriend or need more friends, but because as I've gotten older, I started losing myself a little bit. One of my favorite authors of all time, Mark Twain, once said, "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." I so often, even when home alone, think about what I "should" be doing or how I can be "people pleasing" as my mom would call it. I also distract myself with a phone or television or book or computer. I very rarely give myself time to just be by myself.
So this is my goal for the rest of the year:
I want to run my own race.
Not by the route my parents or best friends or anyone else says is the best, but on the path that feels right to me. I want to stop dwelling on the "you should..." or "you just need to..." or the "why don't you..."or "have you ever considered..." I need to listen to my own voice. I'm going to stop running my decisions by five different people and just do it (like Josh.) I'm going to start thinking about who I am and what I want for myself and running full blast toward it (like Brigitte). On my birthday last week, my dad told me "These are the best years of your life. You have a great job and money to do things and nothing holding you down." That was the best thing anyone has said to me in a while. It made me feel as if I wasn't missing anything or doing anything wrong, but just set up on a new starting line. Ready, Set, Go!
My siblings are coming over this weekend. I don't talk to my brother and sister very regularly. We all have busy lives. We would be there for each other in a heartbeat, but we also know that we can do things by ourselves. I know that we will all put in as much effort as we can in our schoolwork or jobs. We will all take care of our financial situations and pay for our college educations. In difficult situations, we will figure out a solution. Sure, we sometimes call home and run through options with our parents, but we make our own decisions. But as a whole, we have high standards for ourselves and believe in we are good enough without anyone telling us so.
Of course, we all have strengths. I really admire Josh's easy-going attitude. He is so self-assured that, unlike Brigitte and I, he doesn't hesitate or question his decisions. He does what he does and he is happy with it. No regrets. I love Brigitte's ambition. She has big dreams for herself and believes she can do everything she sets her mind to. I believe it too.
Like with my siblings, I truly believe I am capable of taking care of myself. I am independent. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am motivated. Even so, I think I am lonely. Not because I live alone or work mostly alone or need a boyfriend or need more friends, but because as I've gotten older, I started losing myself a little bit. One of my favorite authors of all time, Mark Twain, once said, "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." I so often, even when home alone, think about what I "should" be doing or how I can be "people pleasing" as my mom would call it. I also distract myself with a phone or television or book or computer. I very rarely give myself time to just be by myself.
So this is my goal for the rest of the year:
I want to run my own race.
Not by the route my parents or best friends or anyone else says is the best, but on the path that feels right to me. I want to stop dwelling on the "you should..." or "you just need to..." or the "why don't you..."or "have you ever considered..." I need to listen to my own voice. I'm going to stop running my decisions by five different people and just do it (like Josh.) I'm going to start thinking about who I am and what I want for myself and running full blast toward it (like Brigitte). On my birthday last week, my dad told me "These are the best years of your life. You have a great job and money to do things and nothing holding you down." That was the best thing anyone has said to me in a while. It made me feel as if I wasn't missing anything or doing anything wrong, but just set up on a new starting line. Ready, Set, Go!
Saturday, April 8, 2017
25 Things You Might Not Know About Me
I turned 25 this week, so I figured that would be a good number for my blog today. Here are 25 facts about me!
1. Even though I tell everyone my favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls (it is amazing), if I'm honest it's probably "Yeah" by Usher.
2. Out of siblings, I was the only one to wear glasses, get my tonsils out, or wear braces. So basically, I was expensive.
3. I really enjoy dressing up and doing my make-up, but most people assume I don't because I don't feel the need to wear make-up every day.
4. My knuckles pop in and out with a loud noise whenever I make a fist. I use this as a party trick for my classes whenever I need them to be quiet and focus on me.
5. When I was a kid, I collected fairy figurines. I have over 30 of them and still created a "fairy haven" in my room now. Even at 25 years old, I love a sense of magic.
6. I prefer Mac Computers, but Android phones.
7. I dislike shopping with other people. Don't get me wrong, I love shopping. But I like to do it at my own pace without suggestions from someone else.
8. I don't own a single pair of white socks. Or long socks. I wear colors and I wear them short.
9. I always let the people at the nail salon pick my pedicure design. Every time, I just say "Surprise Me." I've gotten everything from footballs to peace signs to heartbeats to polka dots.
10. I have seen every episode of both Survivor and Law and Order: SVU (that's over 800 hours of television).
11. Some people have a certain "side of the bed", but I definitely do not. In fact, I prefer to switch each night. I have even slept with my head at the foot of the bed before.
12. I have severe social anxiety. If I'm being introduced to someone new or having a conversation with someone that I don't know well, I guarantee my heart is racing and my mouth is dry and I am nauseous. Every instinct in me tells me to run away even though there is literally no danger presented by someone asking me about myself.
13. I probably write a list every single day. I love making lists (bet you couldn't tell from my blog). I make them for groceries and to-dos and grouping students and things I want to do better and ideas for class activities. Oftentimes, I make a list and then throw it away. Just the act of listing things helps me.
14. I've always wanted to be a YouTube vlogger, but I'm not good on camera.
15. I was such a compulsive liar as a kid that I am sometimes not sure what are real memories and what are lies or inventions that I led myself to believe were true.
16. I hate those radio shows like "Date 'Em or Dump 'Em" where they confront real people on the radio. I have to change the station immediately. They make me so uncomfortable.
17. I always eat the heads of broccoli and throw the stalks away. I also don't eat the peel on potatoes. I always eat sandwich crusts before the middle. I could make a list of at 25 other crazy picky-eating habits I have, but I won't bore you.
18. I was the caller at Siel Christmas Bingo for 12 years.
19. Instead of dreaming about my wedding like most girls I know, the idea of a wedding full of invitations and place settings and strangers (see social anxiety #12) sounds terrible to me. I prefer the idea of eloping in some exotic place.
20. I am a super fast eater. Every time I go out with friends, I am finished before they are even half-way done. Once, I walked out of the dining hall in college and realized I'd only been in there for 5 minutes total.
21. I'm probably going to die in a fire or tornado because I am notorious for ignoring alarms. Just this week, there the fire alarms went off at my school and I didn't have students at the time, so I just sat in my room grading and hoped it was a drill.
22. Even though I'm an avid reader, I have only read three books more than once and all of them were because I had to read them again for school (The Hobbit, The Outsiders, and The Giver).
23. My family dog, Ginger, was actually my 12th birthday present. She decided within the first week of living with us that she liked my dad best though. So basically, my dad stole my birthday present that year.
24. I'm not afraid to go to movies in theaters alone. I actually really enjoy the serenity of it.
25. I have been on at least 30 different roller coasters in my life . I cried the first time I went on the Mamba because I was so afraid of heights (and my parents will never let me live this down), but now I can't get enough of them.
1. Even though I tell everyone my favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls (it is amazing), if I'm honest it's probably "Yeah" by Usher.
2. Out of siblings, I was the only one to wear glasses, get my tonsils out, or wear braces. So basically, I was expensive.
3. I really enjoy dressing up and doing my make-up, but most people assume I don't because I don't feel the need to wear make-up every day.
4. My knuckles pop in and out with a loud noise whenever I make a fist. I use this as a party trick for my classes whenever I need them to be quiet and focus on me.
5. When I was a kid, I collected fairy figurines. I have over 30 of them and still created a "fairy haven" in my room now. Even at 25 years old, I love a sense of magic.
6. I prefer Mac Computers, but Android phones.
7. I dislike shopping with other people. Don't get me wrong, I love shopping. But I like to do it at my own pace without suggestions from someone else.
8. I don't own a single pair of white socks. Or long socks. I wear colors and I wear them short.
9. I always let the people at the nail salon pick my pedicure design. Every time, I just say "Surprise Me." I've gotten everything from footballs to peace signs to heartbeats to polka dots.
10. I have seen every episode of both Survivor and Law and Order: SVU (that's over 800 hours of television).
11. Some people have a certain "side of the bed", but I definitely do not. In fact, I prefer to switch each night. I have even slept with my head at the foot of the bed before.
12. I have severe social anxiety. If I'm being introduced to someone new or having a conversation with someone that I don't know well, I guarantee my heart is racing and my mouth is dry and I am nauseous. Every instinct in me tells me to run away even though there is literally no danger presented by someone asking me about myself.
13. I probably write a list every single day. I love making lists (bet you couldn't tell from my blog). I make them for groceries and to-dos and grouping students and things I want to do better and ideas for class activities. Oftentimes, I make a list and then throw it away. Just the act of listing things helps me.
14. I've always wanted to be a YouTube vlogger, but I'm not good on camera.
15. I was such a compulsive liar as a kid that I am sometimes not sure what are real memories and what are lies or inventions that I led myself to believe were true.
16. I hate those radio shows like "Date 'Em or Dump 'Em" where they confront real people on the radio. I have to change the station immediately. They make me so uncomfortable.
17. I always eat the heads of broccoli and throw the stalks away. I also don't eat the peel on potatoes. I always eat sandwich crusts before the middle. I could make a list of at 25 other crazy picky-eating habits I have, but I won't bore you.
18. I was the caller at Siel Christmas Bingo for 12 years.
19. Instead of dreaming about my wedding like most girls I know, the idea of a wedding full of invitations and place settings and strangers (see social anxiety #12) sounds terrible to me. I prefer the idea of eloping in some exotic place.
20. I am a super fast eater. Every time I go out with friends, I am finished before they are even half-way done. Once, I walked out of the dining hall in college and realized I'd only been in there for 5 minutes total.
21. I'm probably going to die in a fire or tornado because I am notorious for ignoring alarms. Just this week, there the fire alarms went off at my school and I didn't have students at the time, so I just sat in my room grading and hoped it was a drill.
22. Even though I'm an avid reader, I have only read three books more than once and all of them were because I had to read them again for school (The Hobbit, The Outsiders, and The Giver).
23. My family dog, Ginger, was actually my 12th birthday present. She decided within the first week of living with us that she liked my dad best though. So basically, my dad stole my birthday present that year.
24. I'm not afraid to go to movies in theaters alone. I actually really enjoy the serenity of it.
25. I have been on at least 30 different roller coasters in my life . I cried the first time I went on the Mamba because I was so afraid of heights (and my parents will never let me live this down), but now I can't get enough of them.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Why Dating in the 21st Century Suck Part 2
I tried to move away from this topic. I really did. But it's like anything: If you start thinking about it, you can't stop thinking about it. If you think about happiness, you are happier. When you start feeling sorry for yourself, you find more ways to feel sorry for yourself. When you start thinking about how hungry you are, you are suddenly 10x more hungry. Dang it. Now I'm hungry.
Since I've posted the last blog about my woes in dating, so many people have talked to me about it, that I can't thinking about everything that is wrong (with me or the state of dating). I want to make it clear that I never rejected any person based on their online profile. I was using an example of a guy I met, but I was never interested in "getting together" with said guy. I think I made that unclear. We never exchanged information. I never even seriously thought about hanging out with him again. We were drinking with a large group of people, not really getting to know each other. Coworkers, friends, and family members have lectured me about this, so I wanted to be clear. He was an example to prove a point, nothing else.
So here goes. Round 2.
Why is it different now than it ever was. Dating always sucked, right? Probably. But it has also changed in the following ways.
1. People don't "date." I can count on one hand the amount of times someone told me they went on a date with someone who wasn't their girlfriend/boyfriend. People "hook up" or "hang out" or "talk" (meaning texting, not actually talking). You don't make plans with someone together. That's a date and not what we do. Instead, we make plans with friends (going to a bar, going to a house party, going to a concert) and then casually ask someone to come along. Or just meet someone else randomly there. My generation hates defining things. It's like "boyfriend" is a scary word. Once again, we're just "hanging out". We're just "talking."
2. Online dating is the opposite and too easy to get into the tough subjects. After reading about the political and religious views, the education and experience, the height, the "what I want in a match", it's hard for me to actually see anyone as a real person. I'm pre-judging and I hate myself for that. I don't like to categorize people, but I also don't want to judge just on the picture and those are my only two options for sorting, right? Maybe I should just "like" everyone, but the thought of the countless "How was your day?" "So your a teacher?" conversations that never move anywhere makes sorting a necessity.
3. There are all these stupid technology rules. How long you should you wait between messages? Should you send a text or a snapchat? Is it appropriate to tag him/her in this post on Facebook? I can't tell you how many times my best friends thought I was mad at them or ignoring them just because of a miscommunicating text message or too much time for a reply. And those are people I know and love. Imagine how complicated this is for someone you just met.
And now that we know what sucks about the world of dating, here's what sucks about me in particular:
1. I have literally no idea what I want. In that "What you are looking for in a partner" section, I have no idea what to put. I definitely don't want to be centered on a certain appearance. I kept thinking we needed to have similar interests, but most couples I know have very different hobbies and they work out fine. Then, I thought I should limit it to college-educated guys, but I have plenty of friends without Bachelor's degrees that I get along with. I like people who voted for different candidates than I did. I actually like learning about the religions and beliefs of new people. I love learning from people who work in entirely different professions. I don't even care that much if they are out-going or shy. So what am I looking for? I just want a good person. But what makes a good person? I honestly think there are criminals and drug addicts that are essentially "good people", so this is a difficult thing to define.
2. I never meet anyone in person. Ever. This is because I have a very limited network of friends. I'm not super close to my coworkers. I know lots of people that I could probably hang out with, but I'm either 1. always busy with school and work and am too tired to make plans or 2. I'm too scared to reach out because I'm afraid of rejection (even with my cousins or people I've known for years).
Since I've posted the last blog about my woes in dating, so many people have talked to me about it, that I can't thinking about everything that is wrong (with me or the state of dating). I want to make it clear that I never rejected any person based on their online profile. I was using an example of a guy I met, but I was never interested in "getting together" with said guy. I think I made that unclear. We never exchanged information. I never even seriously thought about hanging out with him again. We were drinking with a large group of people, not really getting to know each other. Coworkers, friends, and family members have lectured me about this, so I wanted to be clear. He was an example to prove a point, nothing else.
So here goes. Round 2.
Why is it different now than it ever was. Dating always sucked, right? Probably. But it has also changed in the following ways.
1. People don't "date." I can count on one hand the amount of times someone told me they went on a date with someone who wasn't their girlfriend/boyfriend. People "hook up" or "hang out" or "talk" (meaning texting, not actually talking). You don't make plans with someone together. That's a date and not what we do. Instead, we make plans with friends (going to a bar, going to a house party, going to a concert) and then casually ask someone to come along. Or just meet someone else randomly there. My generation hates defining things. It's like "boyfriend" is a scary word. Once again, we're just "hanging out". We're just "talking."
2. Online dating is the opposite and too easy to get into the tough subjects. After reading about the political and religious views, the education and experience, the height, the "what I want in a match", it's hard for me to actually see anyone as a real person. I'm pre-judging and I hate myself for that. I don't like to categorize people, but I also don't want to judge just on the picture and those are my only two options for sorting, right? Maybe I should just "like" everyone, but the thought of the countless "How was your day?" "So your a teacher?" conversations that never move anywhere makes sorting a necessity.
3. There are all these stupid technology rules. How long you should you wait between messages? Should you send a text or a snapchat? Is it appropriate to tag him/her in this post on Facebook? I can't tell you how many times my best friends thought I was mad at them or ignoring them just because of a miscommunicating text message or too much time for a reply. And those are people I know and love. Imagine how complicated this is for someone you just met.
And now that we know what sucks about the world of dating, here's what sucks about me in particular:
1. I have literally no idea what I want. In that "What you are looking for in a partner" section, I have no idea what to put. I definitely don't want to be centered on a certain appearance. I kept thinking we needed to have similar interests, but most couples I know have very different hobbies and they work out fine. Then, I thought I should limit it to college-educated guys, but I have plenty of friends without Bachelor's degrees that I get along with. I like people who voted for different candidates than I did. I actually like learning about the religions and beliefs of new people. I love learning from people who work in entirely different professions. I don't even care that much if they are out-going or shy. So what am I looking for? I just want a good person. But what makes a good person? I honestly think there are criminals and drug addicts that are essentially "good people", so this is a difficult thing to define.
2. I never meet anyone in person. Ever. This is because I have a very limited network of friends. I'm not super close to my coworkers. I know lots of people that I could probably hang out with, but I'm either 1. always busy with school and work and am too tired to make plans or 2. I'm too scared to reach out because I'm afraid of rejection (even with my cousins or people I've known for years).
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
The Books That Shaped Me
***First off, I just want to thank anybody that is reading this. After last week's post, I had not only several Facebook comments, also a few texts and people that came up to me in person to either share their similar experiences with dating or give advice. This was amazing because not only were people reading my blog (which I never expect, but always love to hear), but these people also cared enough to reach out to me. I am so grateful for all of you amazing people.***
Now, on to my next topic. I was lucky enough to have awesome parents that took me to a book festival over spring break in Tucson. I got to hear several authors speak and even got an autograph from one author that really inspires me. It was such a cool event. One question on a panel that I heard was "What books inspired you as a child?" The author's had a variety of answers, but it got me thinking about what books really shaped me into the reader and writer and person I am today.
It was really difficult to narrow them down. My Goodreads account says I've read 523 books to date and that doesn't include picture books. I have revised this list several times in the last few days, but I really think the ones I included were the most meaningful in my life up to now.
1. The Trumpet of the Swan. I had a set of E.B. White books that my mom read to me when I was very young. I remember loving all of them, but for some reason The Trumpet of the Swan stands out the most. I can't even remember how old I was when my mom read it to me, so I'm not sure why it was so impactful, but I really believe this was the first book I really loved.
2. Bridge to Terabithia. I read this book 3 times in 4th grade. If I remember right, it was an assigned book for 6th graders, but my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Johnson, moved from 6th to 4th grade that year and brought the book with him. I could tell he really loved the book and I fell in love with it too. I wanted to badly to be like Leslie and escape into my own world of imagination. I cried even on the third reading. This was also during a time when I started really beinig interested in writing and I modeled my writing after Katherine Paterson.
3. Harry Potter. This isn't just one book, but there is no question in my mind that I would be a different person if I didn't have Harry Potter in my life. Harry Potter taught my generation many lessons about growing up and bravery and relationships. My mom also read most of these books to us, even as we got older and didn't have books read to us anymore. I have very fond memories of Josh and I sprawled out on my parents' bed as my mom read to us and we begged her for one more chapter.
4. The Giver. I would say that dystopian fiction is my favorite book genre and that has a lot to do with this book. I read it in 6th grade I believe and was utterly captivated by it. I remember I started asking a lot of "what if" questions at that time. It made me think about the world in a broader sense, just at the right time as I was maturing and able to think more critically.
5. The Truth About Forever. Sarah Dessen books basically define my high school self. She captures teenage girl emotions like a pro. This was my first book of hers and still the most memorable. Although truly just a typical teen romance book, at the time it felt like the first "grown-up" book I had read. I fell in love with my first (and definitely not last) fictional character.
6. Looking for Alaska. As I write this last one, I realize that none of my books are very happy ones. I believe every single one deals with death in some way. I wonder what that says about me. I think maybe the books that made me cry or feel a powerful emotion like that implanted themselves in my memory more permanently. This John Green book was no exception. I actually remember where I was when I read this book. I was a junior in high school and I was visiting my grandpa in Arizona. I bought the book for the plane ride, but couldn't get it out of my head when I landed. I ended up lying my the pool reading this book for hours on that trip. I still find myself imitating Green's writing style whenever I write fiction because his humor and raw emotion is so easy to connect with.
Now, on to my next topic. I was lucky enough to have awesome parents that took me to a book festival over spring break in Tucson. I got to hear several authors speak and even got an autograph from one author that really inspires me. It was such a cool event. One question on a panel that I heard was "What books inspired you as a child?" The author's had a variety of answers, but it got me thinking about what books really shaped me into the reader and writer and person I am today.
It was really difficult to narrow them down. My Goodreads account says I've read 523 books to date and that doesn't include picture books. I have revised this list several times in the last few days, but I really think the ones I included were the most meaningful in my life up to now.
1. The Trumpet of the Swan. I had a set of E.B. White books that my mom read to me when I was very young. I remember loving all of them, but for some reason The Trumpet of the Swan stands out the most. I can't even remember how old I was when my mom read it to me, so I'm not sure why it was so impactful, but I really believe this was the first book I really loved.
2. Bridge to Terabithia. I read this book 3 times in 4th grade. If I remember right, it was an assigned book for 6th graders, but my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Johnson, moved from 6th to 4th grade that year and brought the book with him. I could tell he really loved the book and I fell in love with it too. I wanted to badly to be like Leslie and escape into my own world of imagination. I cried even on the third reading. This was also during a time when I started really beinig interested in writing and I modeled my writing after Katherine Paterson.
3. Harry Potter. This isn't just one book, but there is no question in my mind that I would be a different person if I didn't have Harry Potter in my life. Harry Potter taught my generation many lessons about growing up and bravery and relationships. My mom also read most of these books to us, even as we got older and didn't have books read to us anymore. I have very fond memories of Josh and I sprawled out on my parents' bed as my mom read to us and we begged her for one more chapter.
4. The Giver. I would say that dystopian fiction is my favorite book genre and that has a lot to do with this book. I read it in 6th grade I believe and was utterly captivated by it. I remember I started asking a lot of "what if" questions at that time. It made me think about the world in a broader sense, just at the right time as I was maturing and able to think more critically.
5. The Truth About Forever. Sarah Dessen books basically define my high school self. She captures teenage girl emotions like a pro. This was my first book of hers and still the most memorable. Although truly just a typical teen romance book, at the time it felt like the first "grown-up" book I had read. I fell in love with my first (and definitely not last) fictional character.
6. Looking for Alaska. As I write this last one, I realize that none of my books are very happy ones. I believe every single one deals with death in some way. I wonder what that says about me. I think maybe the books that made me cry or feel a powerful emotion like that implanted themselves in my memory more permanently. This John Green book was no exception. I actually remember where I was when I read this book. I was a junior in high school and I was visiting my grandpa in Arizona. I bought the book for the plane ride, but couldn't get it out of my head when I landed. I ended up lying my the pool reading this book for hours on that trip. I still find myself imitating Green's writing style whenever I write fiction because his humor and raw emotion is so easy to connect with.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Why Dating in the 21st Century Sucks
I wasn't dating (online or otherwise) a year ago. Wasn't even really thinking about it. Sure, I'd casually flipped through my Tinder app when I was bored. But I always imagined I'd meet someone someday and I didn't have to actively seek someone. About six months ago, I was given a reality check.
Someone at work asked me, like many people do, if I was in a relationship. I gave my usual negative response, but unlike most responses like "it will happen someday" or "you don't need a man", this particular coworker prodded more. Did I date? Was I going places to meet people? Had I tried online dating? I was initially taken aback by the questions. I was worried I gave the impression I was lonely or in need of help. I'm still not sure what made her ask these questions, but what the conversation made me realize is that I was waiting and not acting.
In high school, I always imagined I'd meet someone in college classes. In college, I just thought I'd meet someone wherever I worked. Nobody I know really dates. They meet someone at a party or on Tinder or at an event and that is it--they are together. I believed that it would just "happen" when someone was interested in me and that the lack of interest I was getting was because I was personally unattractive/uninteresting/too awkward/ too shy/too talkative/overweight, etc. This waiting game was causing me to be less confident all the time. I needed to do something.
This coworker suggested I get active in online dating because then I could figure out what I liked (or didn't like) and go out on dates. Remember, this was six months ago. And I took her advice. I felt compelled to take action. I paid for a Match membership and started going onto Tinder and Bumble daily. I sent messages to many people. I worked to make my profiles more appealing. So far, I've been on a total of zero dates. So much for a confidence boost.
So, is my lack of success online because I'm too picky or unappealing? Or, does online dating just suck? Of course, the third option sounds the best to me because I don't have to confront my flaws. If I were to confront them, I would say both of the first two options are possible. But there is also a big hole in online dating. It's all based on a few pictures and set of stats (even on those more sophisticated websites like Match). No one (men or women) will read the profile or look at your interests or message you unless they think your picture is attractive. What is missing is the warmth or humor that can't be captured in a photo.
Over the past month or so, I was giving up on online dating. It worked for some people, but not for me. Then, I had a weekend in Omaha. I met a guy at a bar. He was a friend of a friend. The first thing he said to me made me laugh out loud. He showed me his tattoos and was super easy to talk to. We danced and had a great time. And I couldn't help thinking that if this guy had been on any online dating site that I wouldn't have given him a second glance. It wasn't his looks that made him attractive. He didn't stand out to me at all until he started talking. I was angry at myself for being so shallow.
BUT...the next day I learned the power of those dating website statistics. I searched the guy from the bar up on Facebook. What I found out very quickly was that we were from two different worlds. We had different education levels, different political standpoints, different lifestyles entirely. Suddenly, I wished I'd been about to screen this before meeting him, so I would have known we were so incompatible. Isn't that crazy?
So...I don't know what steps to take from here. Maybe I should stop trying so hard and work on the "let it happen" stance I used to have. Or maybe I need to work on taking better photos. Maybe I should stop screening by education and beliefs and age, etc. Ugh. Why can't it be as easy as every movie ever made?
Someone at work asked me, like many people do, if I was in a relationship. I gave my usual negative response, but unlike most responses like "it will happen someday" or "you don't need a man", this particular coworker prodded more. Did I date? Was I going places to meet people? Had I tried online dating? I was initially taken aback by the questions. I was worried I gave the impression I was lonely or in need of help. I'm still not sure what made her ask these questions, but what the conversation made me realize is that I was waiting and not acting.
In high school, I always imagined I'd meet someone in college classes. In college, I just thought I'd meet someone wherever I worked. Nobody I know really dates. They meet someone at a party or on Tinder or at an event and that is it--they are together. I believed that it would just "happen" when someone was interested in me and that the lack of interest I was getting was because I was personally unattractive/uninteresting/too awkward/ too shy/too talkative/overweight, etc. This waiting game was causing me to be less confident all the time. I needed to do something.
This coworker suggested I get active in online dating because then I could figure out what I liked (or didn't like) and go out on dates. Remember, this was six months ago. And I took her advice. I felt compelled to take action. I paid for a Match membership and started going onto Tinder and Bumble daily. I sent messages to many people. I worked to make my profiles more appealing. So far, I've been on a total of zero dates. So much for a confidence boost.
So, is my lack of success online because I'm too picky or unappealing? Or, does online dating just suck? Of course, the third option sounds the best to me because I don't have to confront my flaws. If I were to confront them, I would say both of the first two options are possible. But there is also a big hole in online dating. It's all based on a few pictures and set of stats (even on those more sophisticated websites like Match). No one (men or women) will read the profile or look at your interests or message you unless they think your picture is attractive. What is missing is the warmth or humor that can't be captured in a photo.
Over the past month or so, I was giving up on online dating. It worked for some people, but not for me. Then, I had a weekend in Omaha. I met a guy at a bar. He was a friend of a friend. The first thing he said to me made me laugh out loud. He showed me his tattoos and was super easy to talk to. We danced and had a great time. And I couldn't help thinking that if this guy had been on any online dating site that I wouldn't have given him a second glance. It wasn't his looks that made him attractive. He didn't stand out to me at all until he started talking. I was angry at myself for being so shallow.
BUT...the next day I learned the power of those dating website statistics. I searched the guy from the bar up on Facebook. What I found out very quickly was that we were from two different worlds. We had different education levels, different political standpoints, different lifestyles entirely. Suddenly, I wished I'd been about to screen this before meeting him, so I would have known we were so incompatible. Isn't that crazy?
So...I don't know what steps to take from here. Maybe I should stop trying so hard and work on the "let it happen" stance I used to have. Or maybe I need to work on taking better photos. Maybe I should stop screening by education and beliefs and age, etc. Ugh. Why can't it be as easy as every movie ever made?
Monday, March 6, 2017
March Gladness Challenge
Right now at my school, students and staff are participating in a "March Gladness Challenge." It is focused on maintaining a positive school climate and belief that attitude is often a choice and we can share happiness with others to make the school/world a better place. It seems like this time of year I usually get a little down and need to remind myself of energy boosting activities and happy moments, so I decided to continue this on my blog this week. These are some things I did in the past week that made me feel truly happy.
1. A few days last week, I turned music up really loud in my house. I danced and jogged and sang strutted around the house for a few hours. This is by far my favorite way to get 10,000 steps. Even after a long day at work, it makes me feel really happy for a while. Also, I have found that my house is way cleaner because when I walk by a piece of trash a few times, I usually pick it up. When my sister was here last weekend, she did the jam session with me and that was great too.
2. I am always happy when reading a book. I love when I find one I can't put down. Most recently, that was A Discovery of Witches, which was a fairly long book that I couldn't wait to pick up on every free moment.
3. I opened the windows and laid in the sun on my bed. Just listening to the wind and soaking up that heat (especially in March) made me supremely happy.
4. My after school group had no homework at all last Friday, so I was trying to entertain them last week. Somehow, we got on the topic of fish, so I told them a story about my suicidal Beta fish that would jump out of his bowl. The kids laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, I played North America, a documentary, for them and they were very engaged, watching all the animals and asking all kinds of questions. That was a super fun day.
5. I made brownies. The actual process of baking anything, even as simple as brownie mix, is usually happiness for me.
6. I took time picking out an outfit and doing my hair and makeup last Tuesday. I don't do this nearly enough because I always say "I shouldn't have to dress up every day." or "I just want to be comfortable." It's so weird how much better my day goes when I feel like I look good.
I also think it is a happiness boost when you have something to look forward to. I am looking forward to spring break in Arizona. I'd like to hike somewhere and lay by the pool. And of course see my parents. I talk to them on the phone quite often, but there's nothing like a hug in person (and kisses from my dogs). I'm also looking forward to a Billy Joel concert in a few weeks with a coworker. And I might get tickets to Tim McGraw and Faith Hill in May. And I'm planning on seeing Jim Gaffigan in July. I also plan to take a trip somewhere this summer--maybe Chicago or Denver or Minneapolis or Las Vegas. And I'm even looking forward to work-related things like book club activities next quarter and new activity ideas I have for next year. This forward-thinking makes me happier than when I am stuck thinking about the meeting I have on Wednesday or the homework I need to grade tonight.
So smile everyone. And think about things that make you happy or could make you happy soon. It's a wonderful day to start anew. :)
1. A few days last week, I turned music up really loud in my house. I danced and jogged and sang strutted around the house for a few hours. This is by far my favorite way to get 10,000 steps. Even after a long day at work, it makes me feel really happy for a while. Also, I have found that my house is way cleaner because when I walk by a piece of trash a few times, I usually pick it up. When my sister was here last weekend, she did the jam session with me and that was great too.
2. I am always happy when reading a book. I love when I find one I can't put down. Most recently, that was A Discovery of Witches, which was a fairly long book that I couldn't wait to pick up on every free moment.
3. I opened the windows and laid in the sun on my bed. Just listening to the wind and soaking up that heat (especially in March) made me supremely happy.
4. My after school group had no homework at all last Friday, so I was trying to entertain them last week. Somehow, we got on the topic of fish, so I told them a story about my suicidal Beta fish that would jump out of his bowl. The kids laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, I played North America, a documentary, for them and they were very engaged, watching all the animals and asking all kinds of questions. That was a super fun day.
5. I made brownies. The actual process of baking anything, even as simple as brownie mix, is usually happiness for me.
6. I took time picking out an outfit and doing my hair and makeup last Tuesday. I don't do this nearly enough because I always say "I shouldn't have to dress up every day." or "I just want to be comfortable." It's so weird how much better my day goes when I feel like I look good.
I also think it is a happiness boost when you have something to look forward to. I am looking forward to spring break in Arizona. I'd like to hike somewhere and lay by the pool. And of course see my parents. I talk to them on the phone quite often, but there's nothing like a hug in person (and kisses from my dogs). I'm also looking forward to a Billy Joel concert in a few weeks with a coworker. And I might get tickets to Tim McGraw and Faith Hill in May. And I'm planning on seeing Jim Gaffigan in July. I also plan to take a trip somewhere this summer--maybe Chicago or Denver or Minneapolis or Las Vegas. And I'm even looking forward to work-related things like book club activities next quarter and new activity ideas I have for next year. This forward-thinking makes me happier than when I am stuck thinking about the meeting I have on Wednesday or the homework I need to grade tonight.
So smile everyone. And think about things that make you happy or could make you happy soon. It's a wonderful day to start anew. :)
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Worrrying About Yourself
This video came out four years ago, but it never fails to make me laugh. I actually showed it to my students on the first day of school this year to teach the lesson that they should each worry about their own behavior and their own work and not those of others in the classroom.
It turns out I wasn't very good at taking my own (or this little girl's) advice. I very rarely worry solely about myself. Instead, I'm always paying attention to the actions and reactions or others. Always.
For example, this is why I absolutely always am the designated driver whenever we go somewhere. Even when I know I can get an Uber and I know I have nothing to do the next day, I'm worrying about whether everyone is having a good time. I'm worrying about everyone being together. I'm worrying about how much someone has had to drink. Sometimes I'm actually worrying that I am not acting happy enough and am bringing my friends down. I spend so much time gauging the emotions of all of my friends that I often forget to enjoy myself. I watch them all night, smile to show them I really am having a good time, make sure everyone gets food and water in their bellies, and put everyone to bed.
The same thing goes when I'm hosting someone (Do they like what we are eating? Am I boring them? How should I entertain them?). Or when I'm at work (Am I letting them talk? Is she getting enough help?). I worry over texts (Am I bothering/smothering him? Is she upset that I haven't texted back?) I sometimes even sit and worry about my spoiled rotten cats and if they are getting enough attention or exercise or too much food.
Lots of my friends call me the "mother" of the group, making sure everyone is happy and taken care of. It seems ironic that I am the one that has never ever wanted kids. I think that this worrying is a big reason that contributes to that though. I spend an entire day worried about what people think and feel(sometimes even people I don't actually like), so I can't imagine the weight of worry you would have from your own child. I prefer to go home and try my best to worry about my own needs for a few hours.
I have been thinking about this lately because I really want to take a trip on my own somewhere this summer. It doesn't have to be far (although if I had the money I would definitely be going abroad), but it has to be just for me. I haven't decided exactly what that will look like yet, but as the little girl said, "You drive! Worry about yourself. Go!"
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