On the first week of school, I opened up a question forum for my students. I said, ask any question you want about me or this class or school or anything. That night, as I read through everything from "What's your favorite color?" to "Will we ever have homework?", I stumbled upon a very different question. The question was, "What do you value most in other people?" I have no idea where such a question came from. I don't know if the student Googled "interesting questions" or heard this in another class or even who asked it (the survey was anonymous), but it made me stop and really think. Wow. What do I value the most?
I am currently reading a book called The Road to Character by David Brooks. I am only about half-way through and have mixed thoughts about it as a whole, but the intro definitely hooked me. Basically, the author says there are two different types of virtues: those that you want to present on a resumé and those someone would present in your eulogy. The first kind bring you external success. They tend to be valued in our everyday lives the most. I tell myself that I have these all the time. We are taught to look for these in ourselves so that we can get a job. The entire interview process is picking out the best of these virtues. I am a problem solver and I am hard-working and I am a good communicator.
But will anyone say any of these things at my funeral?
Probably not. Because no matter how much they matter to my everyday life, they aren't lingering virtues. No one cares how well I communicated after I am gone. What people really value are traits like kindness and bravery and honesty and patience. Those are the things that build meaningful relationships. Those are the things the make us who we are on a much deeper level.
I know for sure I value these eulogy virtues in others. As an example, I once had a coworker at a previous job that was my absolute favorite to work with. She came in with a smile and always asked how you were. You genuinely felt she cared about your response. She was kind to absolutely everyone regardless of their attitude that day and made everyone feel like her friend. And you know what? She was awful at her job. She was constantly playing games on her phone during work. She was spacy and forgot to do things. As a boss, I probably wouldn't hire her, but as a human being, I don't think I will ever forget her genuine compassion.
So what was my answer to the student's question? I came back to school the next morning without a clear answer, but I was thinking about that former coworker of mine. When I got to that period, I realized I had trouble picking something because in every category I chose, I felt like I personally fell short. I really had to confront my own weaknesses. So I told my students the truth, "I loved that question. I have to tell you, I can't really decide. I value effort. But I don't always work as hard as I should. I value education and intelligence, but I still have a lot to learn. And I really value kindness. But sometimes I'm not very kind. I think what is most important is that we just try to be better every day. Not just better at reading, but better as people."
I still am not convinced this was the right answer, but I didn't want to ignore the question altogether either. I do know I have been thinking about how awfully self-centered I usually am and how I need to consider the effort I am putting into relationships and compassion I am presenting to others. I'm hoping I can stop focusing on being the best teacher or student and just try to be a better person.
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