Accepting Yourself

As I was reviewing my past several blog posts, I realized that they definitely haven't been as positive or uplifting as my usual tone in the last few months. I don't think this is unusual. In past years the trend has been to be less optimistic in the months of February and March (Did you know I've been doing this blog for almost 5 years now?!?). But something about springtime, the warmer weather and flowers blooming, always makes me want to move on and change my outlook on life. Easter weekend seems like the right time to set the tone for the rest of my 2017.

My siblings are coming over this weekend. I don't talk to my brother and sister very regularly. We all have busy lives. We would be there for each other in a heartbeat, but we also know that we can do things by ourselves. I know that we will all put in as much effort as we can in our schoolwork or jobs. We will all take care of our financial situations and pay for our college educations. In difficult situations, we will figure out a solution. Sure, we sometimes call home and run through options with our parents, but we make our own decisions. But as a whole, we have high standards for ourselves and believe in we are good enough without anyone telling us so.

Of course, we all have strengths. I really admire Josh's easy-going attitude. He is so self-assured that, unlike Brigitte and I, he doesn't hesitate or question his decisions. He does what he does and he is happy with it. No regrets. I love Brigitte's ambition. She has big dreams for herself and believes she can do everything she sets her mind to. I believe it too.

Like with my siblings, I truly believe I am capable of taking care of myself. I am independent. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am motivated. Even so, I think I am lonely. Not because I live alone or work mostly alone or need a boyfriend or need more friends, but because as I've gotten older, I started losing myself a little bit. One of my favorite authors of all time, Mark Twain, once said, "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." I so often, even when home alone, think about what I "should" be doing or how I can be "people pleasing" as my mom would call it. I also distract myself with a phone or television or book or computer. I very rarely give myself time to just be by myself.

So this is my goal for the rest of the year:
I want to run my own race.

Not by the route my parents or best friends or anyone else says is the best, but on the path that feels right to me. I want to stop dwelling on the "you should..." or "you just need to..." or the "why don't you..."or "have you ever considered..."  I need to listen to my own voice. I'm going to stop running my decisions by five different people and just do it (like Josh.) I'm going to start thinking about who I am and what I want for myself and running full blast toward it (like Brigitte). On my birthday last week, my dad told me "These are the best years of your life. You have a great job and money to do things and nothing holding you down." That was the best thing anyone has said to me in a while. It made me feel as if I wasn't missing anything or doing anything wrong, but just set up on a new starting line. Ready, Set, Go!