Why Dating in the 21st Century Sucks

I wasn't dating (online or otherwise) a year ago. Wasn't even really thinking about it.  Sure, I'd casually flipped through my Tinder app when I was bored. But I always imagined I'd meet someone someday and I didn't have to actively seek someone. About six months ago, I was given a reality check.

Someone at work asked me, like many people do, if I was in a relationship. I gave my usual negative response, but unlike most responses like "it will happen someday" or "you don't need a man", this particular coworker prodded more. Did I date? Was I going places to meet people? Had I tried online dating? I was initially taken aback by the questions. I was worried I gave the impression I was lonely or in need of help. I'm still not sure what made her ask these questions, but what the conversation made me realize is that I was waiting and not acting.

In high school, I always imagined I'd meet someone in college classes. In college, I just thought I'd meet someone wherever I worked. Nobody I know really dates. They meet someone at a party or on Tinder or at an event and that is it--they are together. I believed that it would just "happen" when someone was interested in me and that the lack of interest I was getting was because I was personally unattractive/uninteresting/too awkward/ too shy/too talkative/overweight, etc. This waiting game was causing me to be less confident all the time. I needed to do something.

This coworker suggested I get active in online dating because then I could figure out what I liked (or didn't like) and go out on dates. Remember, this was six months ago. And I took her advice. I felt compelled to take action. I paid for a Match membership and started going onto Tinder and Bumble daily. I sent messages to many people. I worked to make my profiles more appealing. So far, I've been on a total of zero dates. So much for a confidence boost.

So, is my lack of success online because I'm too picky or unappealing? Or, does online dating just suck? Of course, the third option sounds the best to me because I don't have to confront my flaws. If I were to confront them, I would say both of the first two options are possible. But there is also a big hole in online dating. It's all based on a few pictures and set of stats (even on those more sophisticated websites like Match). No one (men or women) will read the profile or look at your interests or message you unless they think your picture is attractive. What is missing is the warmth or humor that can't be captured in a photo.

Over the past month or so, I was giving up on online dating. It worked for some people, but not for me. Then, I had a weekend in Omaha.  I met a guy at a bar. He was a friend of a friend. The first thing he said to me made me laugh out loud. He showed me his tattoos and was super easy to talk to. We danced and had a great time. And I couldn't help thinking that if this guy had been on any online dating site that I wouldn't have given him a second glance. It wasn't his looks that made him attractive. He didn't stand out to me at all until he started talking. I was angry at myself for being so shallow.

BUT...the next day I learned the power of those dating website statistics. I searched the guy from the bar up on Facebook. What I found out very quickly was that we were from two different worlds. We had different education levels, different political standpoints, different lifestyles entirely. Suddenly, I wished I'd been about to screen this before meeting him, so I would have known we were so incompatible. Isn't that crazy?

So...I don't know what steps to take from here. Maybe I should stop trying so hard and work on the "let it happen" stance I used to have. Or maybe I need to work on taking better photos. Maybe I should stop screening by education and beliefs and age, etc. Ugh. Why can't it be as easy as every movie ever made?