Who Am I?

Have you ever seen a Facebook profile with the person never smiling? Or a dating app profile with the person sitting on the couch in every picture? My guess is that you haven't. That's because profile pages are a place to present ourselves as we want to look to others. We want to show others we are happy and successful and have our lives together. We want to show we do fun things on a daily basis. Maybe we want to show we are artsy or creative on Instagram or Pinterest.  I mean not all of us are climbing mountains or skiing or ziplining every day, but what dating profile doesn't have the obligatory "adventurous" picture?

Whether it's because I live in a world of social media or because it is just a natural human instinct, I know that I am constantly "editing" myself and trying to be the best me for the situation and context. Because of that, I often feel like I lose my core self.  Most of my friends would tell you I am very "chill" and laid-back. My family or students would tell you the opposite. Sometimes, I wish my friends could see me take charge and be the control freak that I often am. More often, I wish I could show how relaxed I can be to family instead of taking over conversations and decisions so often. A while back, I had a wonderful day at work and thought, "I wish other people in my life could see this "me." This is the "me" I like best."

Isn't that a weird thought? Why didn't I just enjoy the day? Why does it even matter what anyone else sees or thinks?

This is something I think about a lot, but haven't ever adequately put into words. This week, though, one of the characters in my book really spoke to me on this subject. In the story, she gets a nose piercing and talks about how she kept seeing herself from outside her body. She was hoping this look would capture the personality she wanted to show to others. Later, she sees her father's reaction to the piercing and feels instantly bad because she now doesn't fit the "good daughter" persona anymore. Throughout the book, she talks about how everyone dresses each day with someone specific in mind, whether it's a boss, parent, crush, husband, or new friend. She looks at herself from the outside instead of how she feels inside her body.

"Quinn wondered why she didn't stick in her own body more...why did she slip out of it so easily? Why wasn't her obligation to herself more binding? What if she slipped out of her body one time and forgot to come back?" --The Whole Thing Together by Ann Brashares

Something about that line really speaks to me. I "slip out" of myself all the time. I've never heard anyone describe it that way, but so often I'm not even really a part of the conversations I take part in. I feel like I'm watching them as a bystander. I look at myself in the mirror with other people's eyes.

As someone who prides myself on my independence and self-efficacy, this is a nagging thought. I have been  working hard to be more present in myself. This is why I started going on hikes alone this summer, trying to ground myself. Unfortunately, most of my hikes involved thoughts of pictures I could post on Snapchat or other people who would like this trail or how out of shape I looked when climbing a hill. I had to keep stopping myself. Stare at that sunset. Take a deep breath. Listen to the breeze in the trees.

I'm also trying to ask myself what I like and who I am a lot more. Do I actually like this or do I want others to think I like this? Am I editing my reaction based on the audience? Who do I really want to be for ME? Who the heck am I? I'm still working on it. I probably always will be. But if I find any answers, I'll keep you posted.