Lighting Other People's Candles

In one of my favorite quotes, Buddha compares happiness to a candle. If that is the case, my candle has been somewhat dim. I'm burning out. My lessons at work are dragging. My energy level at the end of the day is nonexistent. My tolerance for any minor inconvenience is so low. Honestly, I haven't liked the teacher/friend/coworker/sister/daughter I have been over the past month and to all the people in my life reading this, know that I am working on it.

I thought this year would be easier for me to keep my light shining. I have no more grad school work and less work at school. What I have come to realize (very recently) is that writing research papers and learning new curriculum, while mentally tiring, were actually activities that lit my fire. Personal growth is something that I like to and want to continue doing. When I created a new lesson plan or made a new connection in the text, I felt accomplished and my candle sparked a little brighter. Fire-lighting accomplishments don't have to be work or school related. I can create a tasty new recipe or clean something in my house. 

The one thing that doesn't work to keep that candle lit? Trying to take care of everyone else all the time. Let's loop back around to the quote I mentioned at the beginning...

I always thought this quote meant we should always be working to make others happy; that we should strive above all else to light thousands of other candles. After rereading it a few times, though, Buddha never suggests we create fire in others. He suggests we share our happiness. If you've ever lit a candle (I did my fair share of this at church as a child), you know how frustrating and difficult it is to light a candle when your original source isn't a good flame.

So, friends, I'm going to keep working on bolstering up my own flame. I am going to set goals and accomplish things for myself. And as I shine bright, I hope the fire will spread. Thank you for being there even when it's dark.

Quotes from Literature (2010-Now)

It's easy to quote the great authors like Shakespeare, Dickens, Austin, and Twain. They have so many beautiful lines that deserve repeating. But I also think it's unfair to treat modern writers as inferior. I have read some amazing books published in the last 10 years that made me wonder, smile, cry, and reflect. Here's a collection of a few of my favorites....



-“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”--Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness

“Listen. I don't know how or when 
 My grieving will end, but I'm always
 Relearning how to be human again.”--Sherman Alexie, You Don't Have to Say You Love Me

“Teach her that if you criticize X in women but do not criticize X in men, then you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women.”--Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Dear Ijeawele

“Maybe there were no villains in my mother’s story at all. Just men and women, trying to do their best by each other. And failing.” --John Boyne, The Heart's Invisible Furies

“If I have learned anything in this long life of mine, it is this: in love we find out who we want to be; in war we find out who we are.” --Kristin Hannah, The Nightingale

“Many boys will bring you flowers. But someday you'll meet a boy who will learn your favorite flower, your favorite song, your favorite sweet. And even if he is too poor to give you any of them, it won't matter because he will have taken the time to know you as no one else does. Only that boy earns your heart.”--Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows

 

Confessions of a Child Liar

It was a muggy day in late summer when the sweet lilacs were long dried-up and school was fast-approaching. My dirty bare feet were planted on the hot concrete driveway and my arms were crossed. Every cell of my being steamed with indignity as I glared at my mother's back.

What could cause so much anger from this young girl in a faded Disney t-shirt and butterfly clips in her long hair? As in most cases in battles between parent and child, it all started with the word "No."

"Can I use that?" I had asked minutes ago, as I saw my mom heading toward the lilac bushes, armed with hedge-clippers.

"No, it's too dangerous," she had replied.

Suddenly, any other activity that I had planned for that summer afternoon was pointless. The only thing of importance in the whole, entire world was cutting those branches with that crisp swish and crunch of those giant scissors. And my mom didn't trust me to do it. So, I would pout, and she would know it. Unfortunately, she seemed too worried about cutting branches away from the driveway to notice my superior scowl.

But then, I was sent a miracle. From the house next door, I heard the rattle of the metal front door. My granny calls out to my mother from her front stoop. My mom began to walk toward her, setting down the object of my obsession, those beautiful hedge trimmers with the rubber handles, right there beneath the bushes.

My eyes dashed back and forth between the clippers and my mom, but she didn't seem to notice. She rounded the front of the bushes and disappeared. I stood frozen until I heard the clank of the door closing and then sweet, sweet silence.

I made my move. I ran forward, grabbing the hedge trimmers and started clipping. Swish-crunch. Swish-crunch. This was amazing. Why was I doing chores like cleaning Spaghettios out of the microwave when I could be doing tasks like this instead? It was so satisfying. I wasn't even paying attention to the branches I cut. If there was a branch, it could be cut. It quickly became mindless cutting of anything and everything.

Then, I messed up. Got too cocky perhaps. I went for a bigger branch. I squeezed hard. No satisfying crunch. The clippers lodged halfway in and stopped. I squeezed harder. Nothing. I began to tug back and forth and side to side. I could see the the green innards of this clearly fresh, not-ready-for-trimming branch. Crap. In a panic, I yank the clippers toward me in one strong pull.

Smack. The tip of the clippers hits me smack in the middle of the forehead. I am stunned for a moment. It takes me a minute to calculate what just happened. I look down and for a split second am delighted to see the stubborn branch on the ground. but then I notice the bright red blood covering the metal of the clippers.

You might think this point in the story would involve a lot of screaming, sobbing, or general mayhem. In most cases of bleeding children, that is logical outcome. That's not what happened in this story. I honestly remember absolutely no pain. Instead, my first thought was, "I'm not going down for this. I can fix it."

First, I wiped the blood from the hedge trimmers onto the grass. I carefully placed them back in the exact position I had memorized mom leaving them. Then came the hard part. What would I blame the wound on? I had to find something else sharp and dangerous in the area. Of course there was nothing. Curse my mother for child-proofing our house. Eventually, I settled on the drain spout. The edges were sharp enough to cut open my head, right?

If you were driving on the highway by our house on this given afternoon, you would have witnessed a very strange sight. There, in the front yard of my house, a wannabe-Carrie, with blood trailing down her entire face and dripping onto her shirt, began to catch the blood spurting from her forehead with her hand and dutifully wipe it onto the metal drain spout as if she was finger painting. I never claimed to be a normal child.

Eventually, my mother reappeared from next door and I turned on the theatrics. I sat awkwardly in the dirt to suggest a recent fall and built up from stammering to a loud wail. Although my mother looked extremely confused, I was not reprimanded that day for my act of disobedience...or any other day in fact. But every day when I look in the mirror, I see that tiny notch on my forehead...and remember that maybe I should sometimes take "no" for an answer.

Believe the Pattern, Not the Promises

The title of this post was inspired by what someone I follow recently shared on Instagram, referring to how to avoid unhealthy relationships. I've been thinking about those words for several days. It seems like good advice. Obvious advice even. I think, though, it is very easy to ignore patterns. We would rather believe in potential or promises or apologies. We want to believe in loopholes or exceptions. I am always expecting people to change or grow.

The truth is, sometimes people do change. Sometimes they live up to their promises. Sometimes they really mean it when they apologize. That's what makes it tricky. When those small moments of exception happen, we think we can count on more. Usually we can't. Usually, the friend who cancels on you every week will cancel again. Usually, the guy that doesn't answer your texts will continue to not answer your texts. Your coworker still won't listen to your input. Your boss will still make you feel stupid. Patterns hold.

So, instead of hoping for an incongruity, switch to a better pattern. Be friends with someone who always shows up. Date someone who always make you feel important. Work with people who continue to work with you instead of against you. More than likely, the pattern will hold and you won't be disappointed.

Appreciate Others, Appreciate Yourself

I have long believed one of greatest desires in human nature is the desire to be appreciated. Dissatisfaction at work or in relationships almost always stems from someone feeling unappreciated. Sometimes that feeling pushes us to try harder, hoping to prove our worth in some way. At other times, it causes a total shut-down. We stop giving our best effort to those who don't value it.

Even though we all crave recognition and appreciation in our lives, it can be easy to forget to give it in return. This doesn't just mean saying "thank you." It goes beyond that. Appreciating others means really noticing who in your life is putting forth effort. Who is creating happiness in your world? Who is making your life easier? Tell them! I have gotten a lot better at this since I started teaching at my school. We have a behavior reward system called Panther Paws and when we give these out, we are supposed to give specific praise. The act of doing this each and every day makes me notice and appreciate my students so much more. Today, these are some of the things I told my students:

-Thank you for coming into the room and being prepared. It makes things so much easier and we can get more done.
-I'm so glad you participated in the conversation. I learned something new from you.
-Thank you for writing in full sentences. It makes me feel good when you follow my instructions.
-I appreciate that you always have your work done on time.

This has become a daily routine in my classroom, which transcends out of the classroom as I appreciate my friends who give motivation and encouragement toward my goals or my parents who listen to my problems on the phone or my coworkers that give advice and input on specific assignments.

While it is easy for me to recognize those around me that deserve recognition, it is much more difficult for me to recognize the efforts I put forth myself that deserve appreciation. Out of the options in the first paragraph, I definitely fall in the realm of overworking myself in order to demonstrate my worth.  When I feel unappreciated at work, I tend to blame myself, and assume I'm not doing enough. When I don't feel like friends care, I try to do more for them.

And you want to know something? Working myself to death at work doesn't make me a better teacher. It doesn't earn me any more appreciation. It just makes me tired. Killing myself in order to be liked by other people doesn't help me make more friends or even better friends. I just lowers my self-worth. I used to think that doing whatever others wanted or needed, saying yes to every request, and making an huge effort in every aspect of my life made me a person to be admired, but I think, instead, it's made me lose myself. I appreciate people that are wholly themselves. So that's who I need to be, even if it means walking away from things I'm currently comfortable with.

Many times in my life, people have told me I was loyal. I have always taken this as a compliment. I still do. I think my loyalty to those I love and appreciate is important, but loyalty can't become something unhealthy. I saw this quote today. I don't know who said it, but I felt like it spoke to me on a very personal level:

"Don't let your loyalty become slavery. If they don't appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone."

How to Be Happier

With songs like "Happy Now" and "Happier" on the radio (Check both of them out if you haven't already), it seems like happiness is a relevant topic. For me, I've struggled to get those endorphins going a lot more than usual in the past few months. Maybe this is post-Italy travel blues or losing my purpose after graduation or just a stage in my life, but it seems that most days, I have to drag myself through the day and even at moments I am happy, I lose it quickly.

So...I'm out searching for happiness-boosting activities. And I thought I'd share with you what I've found so far.

1. Sleep. Holy cow does this affect every part of your life. I am tired, therefore I am sad. That's just simple stuff. I am working very hard with temperature adjustments and relaxation techniques and technology-free bed zones in order to help improve my sleeep.

2. Gratitude. I have talked about this before on my blog, but being very disciplined about listing what you are thankful for each day is proven to boost happiness. Today, I am thankful for friends, family, and good food on a Sunday evening.

3. Kindness. I know for a fact that my happiest moments are when I do something for someone else, even if it's a stranger, so I am hoping to really plan out acts of kindness to perform regularly.

4. Telling My Inner Voices They Are Wrong. I am, without a doubt, my own worst enemy. I've been bullied in my life, but the things I think about myself are awful. When I think I'm unattractive or unlikable or stupid or annoying, I have to stand up to myself and fight back. I read about someone who would say regularly out loud, "I am important" and she said it made her feel much, much better every single day.

5. Being Outside. Man, is this hard when you hate cold as much as I do and I know part of my funk this weekend had to do with the dreary weather, but if I can get outside, I need to. This is a proven endorphin booster.

6. Laughter. It IS the best medicine. Making jokes with my students or watching a comedian could be the best things to combat sadness.


So, if this fall has got you feeling down, maybe try some of these with me. Make tomorrow happier! 😀




http://www.keepinspiring.me/15-simple-things-to-do-to-be-happier-today/
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/45-things-you-can-do-to-get-happy-no-matter-where-you-are.html
https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/things-can-happy-next-minutes

Being the Guide in My Life

When I was in college, I had a job as a tour guide. I would listen to families' stories and help them find their way around campus. I would try to make them comfortable and show them the best places to eat.

Some tours turned out amazing. I saw students fall in love with the university as I had. Parents laughed at my jokes. We were able to observe all the best parts of campus. The weather was nice.

Not all tours were like this. Sometimes, members of the tour would leave, preferring to wander on their own. Other times, no one said a word or acted the least bit excited about what I was showing them. These tours would really bum me out.

What I didn't realize at the time was I had been doing this job my whole life and it's a job that has lasted long after my last official campus tour. I am a person that naturally wants to help and guide people in any way I can. I want to be there with people as to witness their journeys. I want to make people happy.

But sometimes, just like with the campus tours, expectations don't meet reality.  Life can bring rain (or snow) and I can't fix it no matter how hard I love those in my life. At times, the people in my life wander away from me, not because I did something wrong, but they found a different path that was better for their needs. Not every member of my "group" is exactly what I expect or hope for them to be.

I think the best thing I can do to combat these disappointments or frustrations in the tours of life is to listen to some advice my boss on campus gave us once. She said, "Just be totally who you are on every tour. You may not like them all the time and they may not appreciate you, but if you show up just as you are and do what you know is your best, you can end every day satisfied."

10 Best Moments of My School Year So Far

I just needed a reminder of how amazing the job I get to do is today...


1. Getting a hug from a student during open house. He was so excited to be in my class again.

2. This conversation:

Student: Do I talk too much?
Me: You talk when you should be listening, but it's not bad to talk. Talking will help you in life. And I like you a lot even though you interrupt me.
Student: You like me?
Me: Of course.
Student: A teacher has never told me that before.

Since that conversation, that student has moved for apathy to dedicated work for me.

3. Watching a group of students dunk their noses in Vasoline and then in cotton balls in an attempt to move cotton balls across the room. This is hilarious. Highly recommended class builder.

4. Reciting every one of my 65 students' names as they walked through my door on the 3rd day of school.

5. Observing one of my most difficult students from last year immerse himself in a book for 10 minutes without even glancing up once.

6. A student offering to share his jacket when I was shivering one day.

7. A exceptionally self-conscious student's giant smile after I told her how well she did on a test.

8. Walking a student through the halls and talking her ear off even though she definitely wanted to me left alone. And then watching as my stupid chatter about nonsense eventually helped her fall from agitated to calm.

9. Hearing students shout out things they saw and felt while they were reading a story.

10. Sitting in a circle in a the library with my smallest class and sharing stories as we all laughed together.

When You Lose...

 This feeling sucks. This post-Husker loss slump can break your heart and suck the life right out of you. You can say "It's just a game" or "It wasn't all bad", but that doesn't stop the bleeding. 

Those wounds aren't something we need to hide away though. The only reason we have them is because we dove in with our hearts. Every single time the Husker football players take the field, I am filled with hope and joy and excitement. Sometimes those feelings are squashed, which hurts a lot, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't hope or get excited. A lot of people try that approach. We all know those fans that put up walls before the game even starts. They deflect hope and instead protect themselves by preparing to lose. 

Sure, they might not hurt quite as bad as optimistic fans like me do, but they also are missing something hugely important. That heart-racing feeling I get as I walk into the stadium can't be beat. And those feelings don't always get squashed. Instead, sometimes they multiply. Even today, there were moments where I was so excited I was jumping up and down. I couldn't stop smiling. I was so joyful and that joy reflected in every face around me. I was high-fiving strangers. It was contagious and it was amazing community experience.

This isn't an experience only found in sports or competitions. There are so many things to get excited about in the world. There is so much in our world to fall in love with. So much that makes us feel joy. It is so important that we don't avoid those things for fear of a broken heart. We will be let down over and over again. That is a fact. But avoiding experiences or lying about how much we care about something or someone won't make us hurt less. We have to take a chance at losing in order to take a chance winning the best things in life.

The Boy in the Red Hoodie

I was driving along 27th Street yesterday and spotted a group of teenage boys walking in a pack on the sidewalk. I would have driven right by without a second thought, but a certain red hoodie caught my eye. A red hoodie I had seen every single day last school year by one of my students. I knew it was him and I actually hit my brakes, trying to slow down and catch a glimpse.  Who was he with? Where they headed? Were they getting into trouble?

I sound like a total stalker, right? Or at the very least, an overprotective mother. But honestly, I never run into my former students in Lincoln. Ever. It's one of the worst parts of teaching. I build relationships with students for a year or sometimes two. I hear their struggles. I know what they love. I read with them and laugh with them. And then I never see them again.

It doesn't help that I have insomnia so I slept my nights pondering the most asinine things. Is Livon still playing basketball? And is anyone coming to support him if he is? Is Brooklyn making friends in high school? Does Maday still write in a journal every day? I bet she has a boyfriend. I hope he's good to her. Is Leo's mom still sick? I hope he's able to keep up with school after taking care of his siblings. Does Angel still get in trouble for wearing his hood up? And do his teachers laugh as much at his jokes as I did?

I can't keep track of all the students I teach. They aren't all wearing red hoodies on major streets. And the number I have taught is always growing. Most of the kids won't remember me either. In the years I do have them, though, I want to make sure they know I care. Every day we come in as teachers and plan a lesson and give feedback and ask questions and call them by their names, we are showing we care a lot. I will keep working to make the moments count.

How I Want You to See Me

When I was a kid, I used to get really angry. Really, really angry. I'd lash out, usually at my siblings, and I'd physically shake...and I couldn't figure out why. As I got older, I also started to withdraw a lot. I'd be at a basketball game or family birthday party or at lunch in my high school and suddenly feel a strong pull to disconnect or leave completely. People would ask me what had happened and I really couldn't explain it at all, but it felt awful. Over the past year or two, I've come to understand myself a little bit better and looking back I think those reactions were reactions to instances of shame or vulnerability. Someone said or did something that made me feel bad about myself, even if they didn't know it, and I had that natural "fight or flight" instinct.

I've basically devoured every text and video by Brené Brown and am currently listening to her audio lessons, because her work is a big part of my self-realization efforts. The more aware I am of what she calls "shame triggers", the better equipped I am to counteract them. I think, "I'm not actually angry. I just don't like when people think of me that way" or "I'm pulling away and putting up a wall. Stop Roxie. Lean into this moment. Let that person see you. You don't have to hide." And, yes. I am actually having conversations with myself. My internal monologue never shuts up. 😄

In the latest book I read by Brown (but actually one of her earlier books), I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't), she presents a simple exercise to help identify your own triggers, which I found incredibly interesting. You start with the sentence stem "I want to be perceived as..." and list five ways you want to be seen. Then, you do the opposite starting with "I don't want to be perceived as..." One of the most surprising things about this was how easy it was for me personally. It was also surprising when I realized how important these things were to me. Brown gave many examples and everyone is so different. Some focus on intelligence or being a good mother or being healthy or physical appearance. Everyone has different pieces that make up the way they want to be seen and the things they desperately want to avoid. I have shared my answers below.

I want to be perceived as caring, strong, hard-working, open-minded, and positive.

I don't want to be perceived pushy, judgemental, selfish, bossy, or cynical. 

These things explain so much. It explains why I say "yes" to everything even when I don't really have time. I have to show I'm hard-working. But I work hard enough without having to always prove it.

It explains why I get really angry when my sister rolls her eyes when I tell her to do something. I suddenly realize I was pushy/bossy and hate that image of myself. But I can fix it without anger.

It explains why I dislike others doing things for me. I don't feel strong. But letting others be strong doesn't make me weak.

It explains why I suddenly withdraw from an interaction when I see someone zone out when I'm talking. I've realized that I'm being selfish and talking all about myself. But I have the right to talk about myself sometimes. I am enough.

Lessons Learned

I learned a lot of things this summer when I traveled to Italy. I learned so much about history and art and religion. I learned about a different culture and communicated with new words and gestures. I navigated new cities and tasted new foods. I participated in Italian superstitions and witnessed the most amazing architecture. It was one of the very best experiences of my life.

But one lesson I learned was unexpected. I've been trying to describe it in my own words for weeks, but have failed, so I think the best way to illustrate this lesson is through something a fellow traveler said. One girl in my tour group was asked if she was glad she went on this trip without her boyfriend of if she missed him. Her response was something like this:

"I am so glad I did this on my own. It makes me feel confident in myself as an individual. I'm so glad I was able to enjoy the things that make me happy without constantly worrying if he was happy. But...I still wish he was here. It's not that I need him. It's just that when I'm seeing and experiencing such amazing things, I want to turn to someone I love and share it."

I may not have a boyfriend, but I had a similar feeling all the time in Italy. People say that trips like these help you "find yourself", but what I found out about myself is regardless of how independent I am, I like to share. When a tour guide made a joke, I wanted to turn and see someone else laughing. As I stood in awe in front of the Statue of David, I instantly wanted to share the moment with people close to me. I wanted to say, "You should try this" to someone at my table each time I ate something fabulous. In fact, despite my antisocial tendencies, I did reach out to many people in my group. Even with strangers, swimming together in Monterosso and dancing together in Florence and watching soccer together in a pub in Rome made up some of the most beautiful, memorable moments of the trip.

I think life is about human connections and shared experiences. My best days at work are those where I make a connection with a student. And my best personal days are when I laugh with someone or listen to a story.  So, as this new school year gets started, I plan to share myself and my experiences as much as possible. Like my friend on the tour said, it's not that I need someone. I am confident in myself. It's just that when I'm happy, why not share that happiness? When I'm sad or upset, why hold that all by myself? We aren't meant to live in isolation. We are meant to share.

Leaking Love

I keep searching for hands.
Hands to hold me.
Not a hand to hold my hand
or a hand to hold my head up.
Not hands locked around my waist.
But hands to carry the messy innards
of me.

Some say anger boils over,
but the stuff overflowing in me is
a sweeter syrup.
It's hope and love and trust
mixed with a spoon of vulnerability.
It pumps through my veins
and the thumps of my heart
whisper to me, asking me
to give it away.

When I find hands I trust,
that feel strong and soft,
I pour myself into them
without a thought.
Many hands have held my love
and many palms still do.
But many hands have opened up their fingers
and let me slip through.

Most hands hold me tight at first.
I keep them warm and sweet.
But then I give too much and they slowly
let me leak.
I try to catch the falling drops.
I tuck them into my folds.
But you can only self-love so much
before a drop gets through
and hits the pavement with a
splat.

Knowing Others. Knowing Yourself.

Middle-schoolers know everything.

Didn't you know?

They know the release date for the newest pair of Jordan's

And every word recited by Lil Uzi Vert.

They know that Mrs. ____ hates them.

And that reading class will always be boring. 

They know Steph Curry is a god

And that they will be famous like him one day.

As they are trying so hard to know everything,

making assumptions and spitting out unquestionable facts

as quick as the shot of a gun,

I am quick with a counterattack

of all the things I don't know.

"I don't know what you do after school.

I don't know your greatest fears.

I don't know what makes you laugh

or who you trust to hold your secrets.

I don't know you."

"But you want to know something?

You may not be able to choose your teachers,

or your chores, or your classes, or even your family,

but you can choose who you share your life with.

I'm here to listen if you want.

You don't have to tell me anything about yourself.

I don't need to know." 

.........................................................................

As I grow older, more people "know" me.

Didn't I know? 

They know I'm loyal

and will always show up.

They know I'm forgetful

and shouldn't be trusted.

They know I'm shy.

I just need to "open up."

They know I'm loud.

And tap me to remind me to quiet down.

As they are trying so hard to remind me of who I am,

giving me advice and assuring me of their camaraderie

grasping at this rope between us,

I am starting to understand

that even I don't yet really know myself.

I don't know who I want to be when I "grow up."

I don't know how to be less stressed.

I don't know what will bring me the most joy.

I don't know how to find balance.

I'm still figuring it out.

But you want to know something?

I may not be the best teacher or friend, or daughter.

I may not say the right things.

I may say way too much.

But I am lucky enough to have people that will listen.

And I still, have that power to choose

to whom I hand the keys to my life.

Holding Onto the Happiness

My last blog post was titled "Letting the Lonely Out" and focused on how I'm working to share when I'm lonely with others. My other goal for this summer is in some ways on the opposite end of the spectrum, but is equally inspired by Brown's Braving the Wilderness. Have I mentioned you should read that book yet? A lot of the advice and thoughts that Brown shares in this book make me think "Obviously. That makes so much sense." But one part genuinely was new thought to me. It was a section I read over and over and reflected on a lot. It started like this:

I believe joy is probably the most vulnerable emotion we experience. We're afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel it, we'll be blindsided by disaster or disappointment. 

My first reaction to this was complete disagreement. Joy is so easy to experience! Everyone loves to be happy and laugh. Why would that be difficult?

But how many times has someone told me "I'm so happy for you," and I've responded, "Oh it's no big deal." or "It won't last" or even "It's really not that exciting." I downplay joy like it's my job. Almost every time something is going right in my life, I start to imagine how it could go wrong. Sometimes, I feel a lot of guilt when I'm happy too. When I'm in a moment of great joy, I think about those who don't have the same happiness or great experiences in life that I do and work to downplay the situation to make that feeling go away too. 

So what's the solution? According to Brown, the remedy is gratitude. Instead of worrying about the negative possibilities or how anyone else might feel about it, just take a moment to feel gratitude. I used to try to think of things I was grateful for every night before I went to bed, and I think that is a practice I could get back into to help me hold on to happiness rather than tossing it to the side. 

I probably won't make any friends on this trip. I am so grateful that I get to go on an amazing trip and see and experience new things. 

He probably doesn't really like me.  I am grateful that I had a great conversation with a  friend today. 

I probably did all this work in grad school for nothing.  I am so grateful that I was able to learn and grow as a person by continuing my education.

It was probably be bad weather.  I'm thankful that I get to go outside today and breathe in some fresh air, no matter the weather. 

They probably just put up with me because they know I'll be the DD.  I'm thankful that my friends trust me and want me to be around. 

That's how we hold onto happiness. Joy is such an amazing emotion. Why let go of it? It is difficult, but gratitude in the face of joy is a goal I am making for this summer. Do you have summer goals? Feel free to comment and share! 

Letting The Lonely Out

I think the idea of loneliness is uncomfortable. Not to the person who is lonely, but to others. Stay with me on this one. So, if a friend tells you they are "frustrated", you know exactly what to do. You let them talk about it and give advice. If a family member is "upset" or "angry" or even "sad", you probably have a go-to response, such taking them out for ice cream or hugging them. But if someone tells you, "I'm lonely", I think we tend to step back instead of reaching forward. It's as if loneliness is contagious or taboo. We feel bad, but we also feel uncomfortable.

That's why it's so hard for people to share loneliness. We hear stories of self-harm or suicide all the time and think "Why didn't he/she tell someone?" Maybe it was so that he/she didn't feel "weird" or like something was innately wrong with her/him. Maybe it was because he/she didn't want to inflict that feeling of discomfort we've all experienced on anyone else. I'm not saying this is always the case by any means. I do think the way we react to loneliness makes sharing difficult. As a person who gets lonely often, I know how pressured I feel to act like I'm not. I don't want others to think less of me. I don't want others to feel pity for me. I want to feel normal, so I act like I feel nothing.

I'm going to quote Brene Brown again for this post, as I'm currently reading Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. In her book about making connections with other people, she states early on that, "denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying you feel hunger." We can act all we want. It's a human experience and it doesn't go away through sheer will power. In fact, she has a lot of research to back it up. Take at look at this one: "Living with air pollution increases your odds of dying early by 5 percent. Living with obesity, 20 percent. Excessive drinking 30 percent. And living with loneliness? It increase our odds of dying early by 45 percent." Isn't that insane?

So recently, I've been trying to reach out whenever I feel a surge of loneliness. Am I making my friends and family uncomfortable or worried because of it? Most likely. Does it make me feel bad? Oftentimes yes. But, it also feels better than burying it. I feel relieved that I'm not the only one holding it. I sleep better after making even a small human connection rather than pretending I'm fine and not texting/calling/talking to anyone. So, if anyone out there ever feels super alone, talk to someone. Talk to me. Let it out. You'll feel better.

Great Reads for Middle School That Aren't Classics

In order to change it up this quarter (for my sanity as much as the kids'), I started book clubs this quarter in my reading classes. When searching for books over the past two years for this endeavor, I have discovered that everyone wants middle-schoolers to read really old books. Almost every list of recommendations online included The Outsiders, The Giver, A Wrinkle in Time, The Hobbit, The Bridge to Terabithia, The Witch of Blackbird Pone, and Tuck Everlasting. I love all of those books. I really do want my kids to read titles like those. I offered most of them as options. But I also really wanted them to be invested in the books without me having to sell them. I wanted to buy new books and books that they would pick up in the library on their own if given the chance. There are some really, really good ones out there. So here's my list of some modern middle school reads that are worth giving a chance. 

1. Orbiting Jupiter by Gary D. Schmidt

Here's the description of this book: "When Jack meets his new foster brother, he already knows three things about him: Joseph almost killed a teacher. He was incarcerated at a place called Stone Mountain. He has a daughter. Her name is Jupiter. And he has never seen her." I mean what kid doesn't want to read that book after reading that? Kids love things that seem real and this feels very real. It's a book with themes that make my students think and it's a SAD book. Man, I'm waiting for the part when I have to send half my class to the counseling office because they are crying in my class. I think this is good for kids though to build empathy. I remember how much I cried reading Where the Red Fern Grows, but it didn't make me love that book any less.

2. Jackaby by William Ritter

This debut novel is a bit of  Sherlock Holmes meets the paranormal. It's adventurous. It's mysterious. And it's funny. I like the fact that kids are invested in the case. I also like that it's a series so kids can continue their reading quest if they like it afterwards. It's not a difficult read and is accessible for middle school students. 

3. The Crossover/Booked by Kwame Alexander

These are two different books, but I'm pushing them together because they are very similar. Both are written in a cool poetry format and have protagonists that are middle school athletes dealing with more off the field or court than on it. They really capture teenage angst as well as how teenagers really cope with family drama (it's not always a pretty reaction). My kids are invested in these books and once again the real issues (death, divorce, bullying, crushes, sibling rivalry) feel genuine. 

4. I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai and Patricia McCormick

This is my only nonfiction pick, but my students gravitated toward this because it was true. It tells the story of when the Taliban took control of Swat Valley in Pakistan and one girl who refused to be silenced and fought for her right for an education. This led to her being shot at point-blank range at the age of 15 while riding a bus to school. I chose the Young Readers Version for my kids and it is perfect reading level for my low readers. It makes students put themselves in someone else's shoes. My kids ask questions every single day as they read and I can see them Googling political figures and historical facts all the time. I love anything that makes my kids wonder. 

5. Maybe A Fox by Kathi Appelt and Alison McGhee

When one sister goes missing into thin air one day, the other has to stumble into grief and heartbreak. A missing girl is always a way to grab attention, but this book is different than a typical mystery. It really dives into the superstitions of a group of people and how and how we all cope differently after tragedy. It is truly a beautiful book and its honestly grips you like most novels for middle school students can't do. I was unsure of how readily my students would attach to such realities, but one student told me just last week "Reading this book is the best thing I've ever done in school." High praise, I'd say. 

6. Bruiser by Neal Schusterman

This one is not quite as new as the others on my list, but this is my 2nd year in a row using it in my classroom. I really like it. It is a story about Brewster "Bruiser" Rawlins, a boy everyone in school is scared of. Behind his scary exterior is a boy in fear because he is very different from everyone else. He has a special power. I don't want to give away the whole book, because it worth a read, but I will say that the debate about whether this power is a blessing or a curse is one of the best discussions I've ever had with my students. It's a weird enough book to be sort of magical, but real enough for kids to relate to the characters personally. 

7. Okay for Now by Gary D. Schmidt

This one is also a bit older and it comes from the same author as Orbiting Jupiter, but I think it needs its own spot on this list. It is a beautiful coming-of-age novel about a boy that is new to town and has to adjust not only to a new school, but also deal with a abusive father and try to understand his older brother who has just returned from Vietnam and will never be the same. It is a companion book for The Wednesday Wars if you have ever read that, but this, in my opinion, was much more powerful. 

8. Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson

Like the Kwame Alexander books, this one is written in poetry format. That is a new trend and for reluctant readers, a trend I really like. Jacqueline Woodson has always been an author I'd admire and this autobiography is as moving as I'd have expected. Woodson was raised in South Carolina and New York and always felt halfway home in each place. Her poems show how African Americans were treated in both urban and rural settings in the 1960s and 1970s. They are poems about childhood and poems about big issues and poems about what gives us fire and passion. Just good stuff. 

9. Doll Bones by Holly Black

I just happened upon this story on accident. Found it on audiobook in the library and thought it would be a good background story while I was walking at they gym. It is a story about three kids who have been friends forever and create a magical world using the action figure toys. But, then, without warning, Zach's father throws out all his toys and declares he is too old for them. Zach, furious and confused and embarrassed, has to decide how to "grow up" and whether he can be friends with Poppy and Alice. He makes this transition during an adventure to solve a mystery of a haunted china doll (that is creepy enough to get the kids reading). I thought it was a little creepy, had adventure, and was incredibly honest. I will keep it as an option for my readers for sure. 

Do you have any recommendations for middle school readers? I am ALWAYS looking for a good new book to suggest to my class. Feel free to comment and let me know. 

Go Where the Wind Takes You...Or Make the Jump?

I am a control freak. I like to be in charge of my own life and make my own decisions. Maybe it's an oldest child side effect or maybe it's an inherited trait from my father. Possibly, it's because of how I was raised or due to the fact that I've never been a relationship that forced me to pull back. Regardless, I naturally don't like to wait around for things to happen. I like to make them happen.

But, for the past 5 years or so, I have made a very conscious effort to "go with the flow." I found out in college that many of my best moments weren't planned ahead of time, but happened when I just went wherever the day/night took me. I try to release the reigns whenever possible and say "yes" to opportunities that come along. As a general rule, although uncomfortable to me at times, this has served me very well. I have met amazing people, tried new things, and learned a lot about myself from taking chances and experiencing whatever has come my way.

The problem is, sometimes I struggle to find the line between riding and driving. If I just keep riding the waves of my life, things may never change. I might stay at my same job in my same town doing the same things forever. I may do what everyone else wants me to do and not do what I envision for myself. But jumping into the driver's seat has caused me to make bad decisions (and purchases) many times too. For example...

*If I hadn't made a bold decision, I wouldn't be going to Italy this summer.
*If I hadn't made a bold decision, I wouldn't be getting Master's degree.
*If I hadn't made the bold decision to walk into a stranger's dorm room on a lonely night, I would never have made one of my best friends.

*If I had made a bold decision to leave my job after a stressful first year like I wanted, I wouldn't be doing the job I love now.
*If I had made the bold decision to go meet people I just met on dating apps, I most definitely would have put myself in awkward situations instead of realizing they were creeps through text message at a safe distance away.
*If I had made the bold decision to say "no" to three jobs, I probably wouldn't be able to afford that trip or that degree.

See that crazy line? So, you can go with the flow or you can make the jump.  Either way, you might not get what you want. Either way, amazing things might happen.

Turn the Camera Around...Or Just Turn It Off

Over spring break, I took on the task of cleaning out my parents' very cluttered computer. I trashed hundreds of documents, but I didn't touch a single photograph. Photos are amazing. So are videos. They capture moments of our life and people who mean the most to us.

Luckily, we live in a time when we all have cameras at our fingertips to collect these moments. But we also live in a time where we can find photos of almost anything on the Internet. So photos can lose their value unless they are personal.

For example, I went to an NBA game a few weeks ago. Since most of my students are big LeBron James fans, I made a point of taking many, many photos and videos of him playing. Do you know what there favorite photo was? The one of me in front of the court. They can see LeBron play every single day from their phones or computers. They don't know anyone personally who has watched him play. So they wanted to see me there. They wanted to hear my stories. They wanted to know exactly where I sat and how many people were there and how it felt and what surprised me.

Last week, I went to a concert. It was entertaining and exhilarating and an all-around good experience. But, at any given moment, my view of Andy Grammer was blocked by at least 5 cell phones recording the concert. Are those people really going to go back and watch a grainy reproduction of that concert? If they want to see him perform, go to Youtube. Do they prefer to watch him in that small screen when they could see it live in front of them? I doubt it. They just wanted to capture a moment that seemed meaningful. I'm not saying I didn't have my phone out. But most of the time, I turned the camera around. I filmed my friends and their smiles. I filmed us dancing and singing. I believe those are the photographs that I'll come back years from now and will make me smile. Those are the ones I will clog my phone or computer up with because they are worth it.

Like I said, photos are magical things. I wish all the time that I had more than one photo with Moriah. Or more with my grandfathers. So take pictures of people that matter. You'll want those. But the mountains or celebrities or buildings or sports teams? You can skip it. Use your eyes instead.

To Be Needed

I think we don't acknowledge nearly enough the importance humans place in being needed by others. We try to "take care" of our significant others or family members or friends because when we feel they need us for something, it fills a piece of ourselves. While my mother calls me a "pleaser", I think my pleasing of others is a much more selfish act that it might sound. I work extra shifts at my second and third jobs not because I want to help people out, but because it feels good to be needed in those roles. Many people have pets (or even children) because having something or someone dependent on you gives you purpose.

Recently, I've had really bad anxious energy. I feel the need to be doing something all the time...but can't settle on just one thing. I write two sentences for my graduate thesis and get up and grab an unsatisfying snack and then decide to go to the gym but never really finish a full workout. I call people up with nothing to say and read without remembering. I have been planning lessons for school that have no coherent flow at all. I'm jumping from task to task and never feeling satisfied. My Fitbit has tracked a total of 2 hours of "deep sleep" for the entire week. 

It wasn't until I was lying here, on another sure-to-be sleepless night, that I realized these feelings might be connected to this feeling of need. As an oldest child, I always wanted to take care of my siblings, but they are now fully capable adults that don't need me. As I gain my tenure at the end of this school year, I no longer have to work quite as hard to show administrators how much they need me. As I trudge through a final quarter of teaching, I feel like I could be just as easily replaced with any teacher and the kids don't need me. I'm meeting all my professional and personal goals in life and so are all my friends and family around me (which is seriously awesome!) and it should be an amazing, incredible time in my life (I'm graduating with a Master's and going to Italy this year!), but I think I often believe I could leave the country and not be missed at all. No one would need me to come back. And that scares me.

I know I'm not alone in this feeling. I believe it is part of the human condition to feel this way. So, if you need people, don't be afraid to tell them. Even if it's for little things. "I really need you to look over this paper for me. You have a good eye." "I really need to talk to you. You are a great listener." Or make it big. "I need you in my life. You are important to me." You may think they already know, but you might be surprised. 

Where Were You Yesterday?

I think it always feels good to be missed. Whenever I miss work or a class and someone asks me about it, I feel important. I feel noticed. So, I absolutely always make an effort to acknowledge a student who has missed my class, even for a day. These quick, private conversations at the beginning of class always start with, "We missed you yesterday." Sometimes they smile and go on their way. Sometimes, they explain. You might expect an explanation to be a doctor's appointment or an illness. My background tells me that these are reasons to miss school. But I've learned there is a whole lot more than that. These are some reasons my students missed school just this year...

"I had to take care of my little brother. My mom couldn't pay for daycare until she got paid again." 

"Sorry I was gone so long Miss Siel. I was really sick and the flu medicine cost too much for us. I'll try to catch up"

"I spent all day at the hospital. My little cousin was born too small and is sick. No one at the hospital speaks Karen, so I had to translate for the doctors."

"We moved again" (4 times this school year)

"My dad just got out on bail and my mom didn't want him to find us. So we had to go away for a while." 

"The gas guy came to the house and my mom couldn't take off work to let him in. Now we have heat." 

These kids are 12-14 years old. Breaks your heart doesn't it? In the words of my wise 13-year old student, "Everyone has their stuff going on so you've got to be understanding." 

From One Perspective...

Were you ever told to "think of the poor children starving in Africa?" Or "at least you have a home/food/clothes/etc." That "things could be worse?" We are always trying to "put things in perspective." It is as if comparing our struggles to those of other will lessen our pain or worries or anxiety. I think that is crap. 

The truth is that you never, ever know what someone is going through. Just because a life seems good... just because someone seems happy... just because they have things they need, does not mean a person isn't hurting. We are all born different. Our brains produce different emotions. We handle situations differently. We have different capabilities. That doesn't make us weaker or stronger. It makes us human.

Sure, resilience is a good quality and one I try to instill in my students, but I also work very hard to help them understand that what is good for one is not good for all.

In my classroom, I write one student's summaries for him because he has a learning disability and I see his frustration at getting those great thoughts down on paper. I let one student lay her head on her desk many days because she told me about her terrible headaches. I give some students more encouragement than others because I know they have anxiety or low self-esteem. My students notice these things. They compare and question. And when they question me, I always tell them, "Everyone is different." Then, I usually give them something personal I know about them. "I know you have a hard time sitting still, so I send you out with deliveries sometimes." Or "I know you hate fiction, so I make sure there is always a newspaper for you to read at personal reading time." Or "I know you struggle to make it from P.E. to my class so I give you a pass to put your bag away sometimes."

If I sit down and think about, I know I have done something different with each one of my students. I am fortunate to have very small classes so I have time to listen to all of their perspectives and dilemmas.

Just yesterday, I could tell one of my students was very upset as he was walking out of class. I pulled him aside and asked him to sit down with me before going to his next period. I asked what was wrong. He told me about a student that closed his computer before he could save his progress and now he was sure his assignment would be late. He then told me that he felt everyone was picking on him. Honestly, I was very surprised. From my perspective, this student is very well-liked. He is funny and people are always wanting to work with him and I figured the computer incident was accidental or a bad joke. I didn't tell him this though. My observations are not his point of view.  I do not live his life. So, all I could do was say I was sorry he felt that way. I asked what I could do and when he said "nothing," I gave him an extension on the assignment anyway. 

So just because you would have done something differently or you see things a different way or there are worse problems in the world, doesn't mean any one person's perspective is invalid or bad. The world isn't so black and white. It isn't just good vs. bad or right vs. wrong or strong vs. weak. We are all living a different life. We all have a different perspective on the world. 

Best Picture Nominee Rankings

I officially finished my final Best Picture nominee tonight. I still have some short films and documentaries and foreign films to get in before the Oscars, but I have all the main categories down. And it was such a good year! Last year felt a little lackluster, but this year was so damn good I can't even stop thinking and talking about these movies. I'm such a nerd that I was writing multiple essays in my head on the way home from Omaha about the themes of love and compassion and responsibility and control and moral decisions using examples from all the movies I watched. Is there a job where you can write deep thoughts about movies or books...that literally no one would care about except me? Because I think I'd be good at it.

I know my favorites won't win. They rarely do. It isn't really about the awards for me. It's just about great movies. These are all the Best Picture nominees in order of my own ratings. A good movie usually gets a 6 or 7 out of 10, so there were some off-the-charts good ones.

Call Me By Your Name-10/10
Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri-9/10
Get Out-8/10
Phantom Thread-8/10
Darkest Hour-7/10
Lady Bird-7/10
The Post-7/10
The Shape of Water-4/10
Dunkirk-3/10


Stand Out Performances: Timothee Chalamet, Daniel Kaluuya, Gary Oldman, Saoirse Ronan, Sam Rockwell

Also Worth Watching: Coco, Beauty and the Beast, Blade Runner 2049, The Greatest Showman, The Florida Project

Empty of Words

It has been almost a month since I posted in this blog and that is very unlike me. I really wanted to write something today, but I just have nothing to give. I think my relationship of stories is the most important piece of me. Stories are what make me who I am. They make life meaningful. They flow in and out as easily as air and are just as precious to me.

Sometimes I have stories inside of me. I am filled with words and want to share. They bubble out of me. I can't think of anything else until I type them or tell them to someone.

And then there are times when I feel fairly empty of words. I try my best but there is nothing there. So I go out and consume stories like I am starving. Yesterday, I laid in bed and watched two movies and read two books. I had many other things to do that may have seemed more important, but I really needed those stories. I can't tell you how much better I felt immersed in those words and feelings and experiences.

So....soon I hope to have those words again to share. I am not abandoning my blog. I'm just waiting for the right story.

Asking for Help

I was a bossy kid. No doubt about it. Looking back at myself as a child, there are so many snapshots of me yelling, crying, or even lashing out physically when things didn't go my way. I always wanted to be in charge and be the leader. I remember a specific moment in high school, after a heated argument with a peer during a school event when I finally realized just how awful I was. I thought, "I wouldn't even be friends with me. Why would anyone else be?" From that moment on, I started intentionally seeking opportunities to stop and reflect and listen to others. I made it my goal to do as much as I could for as many people as I could. When I catch myself taking over a conversation or task, I stop myself and apologize when necessary. I feel as if I have a lot more self-awareness as I get older and have been happy with my progress. 

Last month, though, I felt I was falling back into my old habits again. I was lashing out at my students when they didn't follow directions. I was dominating conversations with my siblings. I couldn't figure out why I was doing this and was getting frustrated with myself. I realize now that I was overwhelmed. "When people are stretched, their coping skills start to fray" (Rising Strong, Brene Brown). With graduate classes and new duties as reading liaison at my school and teaching an extra period each day and volunteering for different committees, I was attempting to do so much that all my previous methods of dealing with stress were thrown out the window. Why was I doing all this? What was the point? I think I just got "sucked into proving I could, rather than stepping back and asking if I should--or if I really even wanted to" (Brown again!--this chapter really resonated with me). I was pushing to be the best and it turned me into my worst. 

Why couldn't I just ask for help? I wasn't willing to give in and admit I needed it. I even had offers! Friends and colleagues asked me if they could help me in any way. They saw how stressed I was, but I couldn't even give up a teeny tiny slice of control to have them help me with one thing. I was making the same mistake I always made as a kid, just in a less obvious way. Instead of bossing people around to get my way, I was taking everything on so I could do it my way independently. I think I was worried that if I wasn't able to do everything, I would be perceived as somehow imperfect or "not good enough." In Rising Strong, Brown presented the idea that we might not be as truly generous  and helpful to others as we think we are if we are repelled by our own need. It's a two-way street. There aren't givers and receivers. We should be working to build a world in which those two things go hand in hand.

-Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but so is asking for help.-Brene Brown 

Stuck in the Middle of the Line

On Wednesday, I showed up to the airport in Mesa, Arizona to find a line of people all the way out the door. I trudged along, lugging two bags for an hour before arriving in the other side of TSA. While unpleasant, this incident wasn't the worst possible outcome for me since I'm a rule-follower and made sure my dad got me to the airport 2 hours before departure as instructed. Other passengers weren't so lucky. At 6:00 am, dozens of people stood in the seemingly never-ending line while watching the screen flash "boarding" by their flight number. Panic ensued. It was one of those moments when you saw the true character of complete strangers. A girl behind me began to bawl and physically shake. She kept repeating over and over that she couldn't miss this flight. Another couple began to take out their frustration on employees, blaming them for messing up their entire day. The anxiety in that line was palpable.

The truth is all of these people had made a mistake. They had showed up less than an hour before their planes left. It is a simple miscalculation. They probably had no idea how long the line would be. I sure didn't. But instead of problem solving, they broke down. Instead of owning up to this mistake, they blamed others.

We have all been these panicked people in the line with no end in sight. Maybe not literally, but we have all made an error, miscalculation, slip-up, or really big mistake and feel stuck in it. My parents used to always say "It's not the end of the world," but we all know that in that moment it feels like it. You made a decision, something went wrong, and you feel trapped. I started off this year reading the book Rising Strong by Brene Brown and she talks about how we often skip over this "middle" point when telling stories. We talk about the decisions we make and we talk about the results, but we glaze over the feelings/actions of the middle.

For example, I recently wrote a blog about how meaningful it was for one student to show they cared about the book I gave her, but I never shared how awful I felt last year when students threw handwritten notes in the trash without more than a glance. I write blogs all the time about things I learned at work or meaningful moments, but I rarely share the tears shed in the car after all the terrible days or the days that I snapped a student who did nothing wrong because I was frustrated with how things were going. Those things have to happen. They are part of the process of growing up and learning, but for some reason we only share the "perfect" moments, setting ourselves and others up for impossible expectations.

This "middle of the line" sharing doesn't just work with bad decisions. In fact, it can be a huge problem when sharing good stories. After I lost a lot of weight last year, many people asked me what I had done differently. All weight-loss stories have a before, a decision to change, and an after. We rarely talk about those moments in the middle when we are desperately craving a cookie or when we feel left out when everyone is going out to dinner or when we super hangry and sore and tired. We don't talk about those 3 months when we didn't lose a single pound. Those are realities though. Those are the moments when we are stuck in the line without sight of the end.

I meant to start my first blog post talking about resolutions, but I was looking at last years and feeling pretty bad about not accomplishing any of them. But I'm determined not to make let the bad decisions I made last year end the goals I set out to accomplish. I'm still standing in the line and it isn't really the end of the world. I am going to catch that flight. I am not going to blame others or break down. I'll keep working my way through the line, even if it moves very, very slowly.