Asking for Help

I was a bossy kid. No doubt about it. Looking back at myself as a child, there are so many snapshots of me yelling, crying, or even lashing out physically when things didn't go my way. I always wanted to be in charge and be the leader. I remember a specific moment in high school, after a heated argument with a peer during a school event when I finally realized just how awful I was. I thought, "I wouldn't even be friends with me. Why would anyone else be?" From that moment on, I started intentionally seeking opportunities to stop and reflect and listen to others. I made it my goal to do as much as I could for as many people as I could. When I catch myself taking over a conversation or task, I stop myself and apologize when necessary. I feel as if I have a lot more self-awareness as I get older and have been happy with my progress. 

Last month, though, I felt I was falling back into my old habits again. I was lashing out at my students when they didn't follow directions. I was dominating conversations with my siblings. I couldn't figure out why I was doing this and was getting frustrated with myself. I realize now that I was overwhelmed. "When people are stretched, their coping skills start to fray" (Rising Strong, Brene Brown). With graduate classes and new duties as reading liaison at my school and teaching an extra period each day and volunteering for different committees, I was attempting to do so much that all my previous methods of dealing with stress were thrown out the window. Why was I doing all this? What was the point? I think I just got "sucked into proving I could, rather than stepping back and asking if I should--or if I really even wanted to" (Brown again!--this chapter really resonated with me). I was pushing to be the best and it turned me into my worst. 

Why couldn't I just ask for help? I wasn't willing to give in and admit I needed it. I even had offers! Friends and colleagues asked me if they could help me in any way. They saw how stressed I was, but I couldn't even give up a teeny tiny slice of control to have them help me with one thing. I was making the same mistake I always made as a kid, just in a less obvious way. Instead of bossing people around to get my way, I was taking everything on so I could do it my way independently. I think I was worried that if I wasn't able to do everything, I would be perceived as somehow imperfect or "not good enough." In Rising Strong, Brown presented the idea that we might not be as truly generous  and helpful to others as we think we are if we are repelled by our own need. It's a two-way street. There aren't givers and receivers. We should be working to build a world in which those two things go hand in hand.

-Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but so is asking for help.-Brene Brown