When I was a kid, I used to get really angry. Really, really angry. I'd lash out, usually at my siblings, and I'd physically shake...and I couldn't figure out why. As I got older, I also started to withdraw a lot. I'd be at a basketball game or family birthday party or at lunch in my high school and suddenly feel a strong pull to disconnect or leave completely. People would ask me what had happened and I really couldn't explain it at all, but it felt awful. Over the past year or two, I've come to understand myself a little bit better and looking back I think those reactions were reactions to instances of shame or vulnerability. Someone said or did something that made me feel bad about myself, even if they didn't know it, and I had that natural "fight or flight" instinct.
I've basically devoured every text and video by BrenĂ© Brown and am currently listening to her audio lessons, because her work is a big part of my self-realization efforts. The more aware I am of what she calls "shame triggers", the better equipped I am to counteract them. I think, "I'm not actually angry. I just don't like when people think of me that way" or "I'm pulling away and putting up a wall. Stop Roxie. Lean into this moment. Let that person see you. You don't have to hide." And, yes. I am actually having conversations with myself. My internal monologue never shuts up. đŸ˜„
In the latest book I read by Brown (but actually one of her earlier books), I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't), she presents a simple exercise to help identify your own triggers, which I found incredibly interesting. You start with the sentence stem "I want to be perceived as..." and list five ways you want to be seen. Then, you do the opposite starting with "I don't want to be perceived as..." One of the most surprising things about this was how easy it was for me personally. It was also surprising when I realized how important these things were to me. Brown gave many examples and everyone is so different. Some focus on intelligence or being a good mother or being healthy or physical appearance. Everyone has different pieces that make up the way they want to be seen and the things they desperately want to avoid. I have shared my answers below.
I want to be perceived as caring, strong, hard-working, open-minded, and positive.
I don't want to be perceived pushy, judgemental, selfish, bossy, or cynical.
These things explain so much. It explains why I say "yes" to everything even when I don't really have time. I have to show I'm hard-working. But I work hard enough without having to always prove it.
It explains why I get really angry when my sister rolls her eyes when I tell her to do something. I suddenly realize I was pushy/bossy and hate that image of myself. But I can fix it without anger.
It explains why I dislike others doing things for me. I don't feel strong. But letting others be strong doesn't make me weak.
It explains why I suddenly withdraw from an interaction when I see someone zone out when I'm talking. I've realized that I'm being selfish and talking all about myself. But I have the right to talk about myself sometimes. I am enough.
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