To Be Needed

I think we don't acknowledge nearly enough the importance humans place in being needed by others. We try to "take care" of our significant others or family members or friends because when we feel they need us for something, it fills a piece of ourselves. While my mother calls me a "pleaser", I think my pleasing of others is a much more selfish act that it might sound. I work extra shifts at my second and third jobs not because I want to help people out, but because it feels good to be needed in those roles. Many people have pets (or even children) because having something or someone dependent on you gives you purpose.

Recently, I've had really bad anxious energy. I feel the need to be doing something all the time...but can't settle on just one thing. I write two sentences for my graduate thesis and get up and grab an unsatisfying snack and then decide to go to the gym but never really finish a full workout. I call people up with nothing to say and read without remembering. I have been planning lessons for school that have no coherent flow at all. I'm jumping from task to task and never feeling satisfied. My Fitbit has tracked a total of 2 hours of "deep sleep" for the entire week. 

It wasn't until I was lying here, on another sure-to-be sleepless night, that I realized these feelings might be connected to this feeling of need. As an oldest child, I always wanted to take care of my siblings, but they are now fully capable adults that don't need me. As I gain my tenure at the end of this school year, I no longer have to work quite as hard to show administrators how much they need me. As I trudge through a final quarter of teaching, I feel like I could be just as easily replaced with any teacher and the kids don't need me. I'm meeting all my professional and personal goals in life and so are all my friends and family around me (which is seriously awesome!) and it should be an amazing, incredible time in my life (I'm graduating with a Master's and going to Italy this year!), but I think I often believe I could leave the country and not be missed at all. No one would need me to come back. And that scares me.

I know I'm not alone in this feeling. I believe it is part of the human condition to feel this way. So, if you need people, don't be afraid to tell them. Even if it's for little things. "I really need you to look over this paper for me. You have a good eye." "I really need to talk to you. You are a great listener." Or make it big. "I need you in my life. You are important to me." You may think they already know, but you might be surprised.