Letting The Lonely Out

I think the idea of loneliness is uncomfortable. Not to the person who is lonely, but to others. Stay with me on this one. So, if a friend tells you they are "frustrated", you know exactly what to do. You let them talk about it and give advice. If a family member is "upset" or "angry" or even "sad", you probably have a go-to response, such taking them out for ice cream or hugging them. But if someone tells you, "I'm lonely", I think we tend to step back instead of reaching forward. It's as if loneliness is contagious or taboo. We feel bad, but we also feel uncomfortable.

That's why it's so hard for people to share loneliness. We hear stories of self-harm or suicide all the time and think "Why didn't he/she tell someone?" Maybe it was so that he/she didn't feel "weird" or like something was innately wrong with her/him. Maybe it was because he/she didn't want to inflict that feeling of discomfort we've all experienced on anyone else. I'm not saying this is always the case by any means. I do think the way we react to loneliness makes sharing difficult. As a person who gets lonely often, I know how pressured I feel to act like I'm not. I don't want others to think less of me. I don't want others to feel pity for me. I want to feel normal, so I act like I feel nothing.

I'm going to quote Brene Brown again for this post, as I'm currently reading Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. In her book about making connections with other people, she states early on that, "denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying you feel hunger." We can act all we want. It's a human experience and it doesn't go away through sheer will power. In fact, she has a lot of research to back it up. Take at look at this one: "Living with air pollution increases your odds of dying early by 5 percent. Living with obesity, 20 percent. Excessive drinking 30 percent. And living with loneliness? It increase our odds of dying early by 45 percent." Isn't that insane?

So recently, I've been trying to reach out whenever I feel a surge of loneliness. Am I making my friends and family uncomfortable or worried because of it? Most likely. Does it make me feel bad? Oftentimes yes. But, it also feels better than burying it. I feel relieved that I'm not the only one holding it. I sleep better after making even a small human connection rather than pretending I'm fine and not texting/calling/talking to anyone. So, if anyone out there ever feels super alone, talk to someone. Talk to me. Let it out. You'll feel better.