You Are What You Love

I am currently stuck in a recliner because my cat decided to fall asleep on my lap. My dog is snoring on the chair beside me and her leg keeps shaking so she must be dreaming. It smells like pine needles, but only because of a candle on our end table since we have a fake Christmas tree this year. I love the sound of the keyboard as I type, especially when the rest of the house is so silent. Even when my family is all at school and work, it is good to be home. :)

As I was sitting here, I realized that I wrote a note to myself over a month ago to write a blog post about something and I never got around to it, so I'll do that now. For my Meryl Streep movie class, we watched a movie called Adaptation with Nicholas Cage. I know this movie has very high ratings on almost every website and someone reading this may love the movie, but I personally found it more bizarre than funny. I thought I'd like a movie about writers as a writer myself, but I didn't. I'm not here to review the movie though. I'm only here to discuss one quote.

"You are what you love, not what loves you. I decided that a long time ago."

Although this is probably just a rewording of something that many people have said, it was something that I mulled over for quite some time before writing it on my "to blog" list. I know I often decide my worth by that people that love me and the reasons they love me. Even if it's the little things.  A comment like "I love talking to you" makes me feel like a good listener. I am also very prone to thoughts like "that teacher hates me" or "my sister hates me" and I make myself feel worse about myself.

But I am not what others tell me I am. And neither are you. Maybe your music teacher thinks you can't sing. Or your mom and you always fight. Those things don't define you. You are the only person who can define you.

I love dad's hugs and my brother's smiles. I love laughing with my sister and playing games with my friend Sarah. I love Husker games with Hillary and cruising with Ashley. My mom is my best friend in the whole world. I love all of my pets unconditionally. I love reading a good book or getting in the car and driving somewhere new. I love chocolate, pink, and Christmas morning. That is who I am. I know and I don't need anyone else to confirm that. So who are you? What do you love?

Hope some of you are having a wonderful holiday break! Merry Christmas!

Destressing Over Break

Do you ever sit or lie down for 10 minutes and do nothing but take deep breaths? If you answered no, don't worry...neither do I. I have found this simple exercise to be much more difficult than imagined. I am a person who is easily stressed. I have been known to pop my fingers, chew the inside of my lip, pull my hair, pick at my fingers, clench my teeth, or rub my palms together, all habits caused by anxiety. Recently, I have been going to the chiropractor because of constant back problems and every time I go in, he tells me my back muscles are in knots. I get stressed and my whole body has to suffer for it. Something he suggested was the exercise above. Taking time out of every day to breathe. That was a month ago. I still haven't done it once.

I did try, believe me. I closed the door to my bedroom and turned relaxing music on. I sat on my bed and closed my eyes and starting taking long, deep breaths. Two minutes later, I found myself considering what time I needed to get up in the morning and if I should study more for an upcoming test, having completely forgotten my breathing. Other attempts ended the same. One time I even got distracted by the paint color of my wall. I have no attention span. I have no idea how I even sit through class.

Now I am home for the semester. Every assignment is turned in and there is no more classes to worry about. Today I looked up information about deep breathing. Did you know it not only relaxes muscles, but also lowers blood pressure, increases endorphins, and releases toxins from your body? And it only takes 10 minutes a day. I just need to find my inner determination I guess. I have 3 weeks in Franklin. I have time. Wish me luck!

What a Few Words Can Do

Has someone ever complimented your outfit and it made you happier the rest of the day? Or have you heard someone whisper something about you behind your back and you've never forgotten? No matter how much we say that others' opinions don't matter, they often impact the way we think and feel.
This semester, I have had some instructors that impacted my work with their comments. I have always prided myself on being a good student, so teachers' opinions matter, probably more than they should. I currently am in a theater class and a reporting class. In each of these classes, the professors have continually torn my papers apart.
I don't mean to sound arrogant, but this has never happened before. Writing has always been a strength of mine and I have become used to praise on my papers. I'm not saying I've never been corrected. But it is usually minute things that are easily corrected. Now I am suddenly not explaining myself and papers aren't flowing. Because of this, I have stressed over every word of every sentence of my final papers over the last few weeks.
Yesterday, I had a presentation for my Instructional Technology class. This is a class I have an A in and with all the stress I've put on myself for the other classes, I didn't try very hard in this class at all. At the end of the class, my teacher asked me to stay after class and I assumed she wanted to reprimand me for my late assignment the week before, but instead she smiled and said, "I just wanted to let you know that your presentation was one of the best of the class. You have a great speaking voice."
I was taken aback but I thanked her eagerly, still confused about why she needed to tell me this. She went on and said, "I know you're going to be a great teacher. I know you are trying to figure out your path in college, but I think you're on the right track. I thought you should know that." Suddenly, my worries throughout the semester went away. I told her truthfully how much I enjoyed her class and I saw her face light up in reflection of my own.
So, at the end of the semester, as everyone is filling out course evaluations, I am evaluating things myself. Just because one teacher doesn't like your work doesn't make you a bad student. Have confidence in yourself. Also, your words to others do make a difference. If you like something you see, tell that person because it might make their day. Or their whole semester.

The Day Facebook Saved My Life...

So I took a trip for Thanksgiving to Arizona, where my grandpa lives. My family drove down and I was to meet them at the airport after finishing classes for the week. I have flown there several times before and had no worries...until I found my phone would not make any calls or send any texts at my connecting flight in Dallas. My phone turned on with chiming music and bright lights. It provided 3G coverage and sent me emails instantly but when it came to the one function it was designed for, actual phone calls, it was useless.

 I was filled with sheer panic. My flight was on time and I had just had dinner. I had plenty of money and I wasn't lost. Everything was going smoothly. But you would have thought I had been sent to Timbuktu instead of Dallas. I wanted to cry.

I sat down in my two hour layaway and thought over exactly what I am writing now.  I was being ridiculous. Twenty years ago, I would have gone the whole flight without a phone. I would have relied on someone to pick me up without confirmation. I would have gone throughout my entire day without talking to anyone that I didn't see face-to-face. I would be absolutely fine. Breathe.

And then my phone dinged. I jumped up and grabbed my phone to find I had received a Facebook message. I sent a message to my mom and all was saved. Thank you Facebook Messenger.

The Problem With Girls

So, many of you have probably stumbled upon Jenna Marbles on Youtube at some time or another. If you haven't and want a laugh, look her up. She is hilarious. (But also a little PG-13) And let's be honest, that's not common for girls. How many girl comedians to you see?

But that isn't what this post is about. It is inspired be Jenna though after I watched a video called "Why Girls Hate Each Other" the other night. Straying away from her normal, goofy posts, she talks about girls and the jealousy they have for one another. And some of the things she said we very true to me.

She mentioned that we were taught from an early age that everything is a competition. The way schools are set up allows for this mentality. Grades are a competition. So are popularity contests like class officers and prom queens. There are magazines to compare "who wore it best" and give titles like "sexiest woman alive."

While I agree, I know from experience that when girls are unhappy, they are more likely to take it out on other girls that are happy. I know I did this. My first year of college, I became very depressed and I can't tell you how many times I took this emotion out on Taylor Swift or campus sorority girls or Twilight stars. I turned jealousy into hate and I didn't even know those girls. I see that same thing in girls all the time. One friend hates another friend just because she has a boyfriend or a girl makes excuses for why someone is successful (they have rich parents or they cheated, etc.).

Now, I know this may not be wholly a female problem, but I definitely see it in girls more often. And I don't think it's something that is going to change. But it's something I need to remind myself of sometimes. Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be." It's not other people's fault if I'm unhappy. And it doesn't take beauty or talent or brains to create happiness. It just takes a decision to do what makes you feel happy. And happy girls really are the prettiest girls of all. 

A Few Clarifications...

First of all, I want to thank everyone that continues to read these posts and give feedback. It is really awesome to have a reason to sit down and write every week. Some of the comments I've got for recent blogs, though, I felt needed to be clarified since there were some very good points brought up.

1. My mom responded to a post I wrote about how everyone's past experiences are like a fingerprint that defines you. She asked if that meant good experiences too. Once again, I was caught taking a more depressing point of view and focused on the bad experiences of life. But good ones make us who we are to. To illustrate this, here are a few good things that have helped define me:

-My mom read to me almost every night as a child. This instilled my passion for reading and later writing.
-I was the oldest child. Although I can't say I was a good big sister, I learned to take responsibility and how to lead, which is why I am drawn to leadership positions today.
-I always had pets growing up, so I now feel lost without one.
-I joined one-acts and speech team my freshman year of high school and I learned a lot about myself. I became more outspoken and sure of myself.
-I had so many people in my life believe in me: my parents, teachers, grandparents, and friends. Their love and encouragement makes me want to spread love and encouragement to others. I am eternally grateful.

2. As I said, I had many great teachers and was involved in some great activities in high school. A former teacher commented on an older post about finding beauty in every place. I talked about the physical beauty of my hometown, but she suggested there were other benefits that I would later be grateful for. Another pessimistic moment for me and my blog. Yes, I was able to be involved much more than I would have been in a bigger school. I met some wonderful people and like I said before, my experience in Franklin made me who I am.

3. My motto from my most recent post may have a slight exception. My biggest pet peeve is when a wonderful book is adapted into a movie. I understand that a book can never be fully translated into movie form to include every detail and I'm trying to be more accepting of this. I said I'd try anything twice. Maybe someday I'll try to watch Twilight or the Harry Potter movies or The Hunger Games, but it usually just upsets me because the true characters or emotions that the author worked long and hard to put into just the right words are changed into Hollywood explosions and fight scenes.

That is all for now. I will have my regular weekly blog coming later this week. :)

I'll Try Anything Twice

Thanks to the wonderful world of Pinterest, I have stumbled upon a new life motto: I'll Try Anything Twice.

I must admit that I am a picky person. There are many foods I've eaten, places I've been, or movies I've watched that I really disliked. But I think our experiences are often easily influenced by other things such as who you are with, how you are feeling at the time, or preconceived notions. In other circumstances, you may love something you hated before.

Opinions and tastes can also change over time. I have read books and watched movies that the first time around seemed boring and the second time I found more meaning in. This is probably because I had experienced more or matured a bit and got more out of it the second time.

That is my little thought of the week. Sorry it isn't much but I've have a lot going on in my life right now. There are better blogs to come. Stay tuned. :)

A Tourist in Chicago

It's been a crazy week and so I've taken a while to get this post out, but I took a trip to Chicago last weekend for the Northwestern football game. Not only did I get to watch a Husker victory, but a group of us took a trip on the 'L' and explored the streets of Chicago late into the night Saturday and all of Sunday morning. We ate the local cuisine and walked through the Field Museum and touched the giant silver bean. We sat along the harbor and looked out on the beautiful lake. My only complaint was that there wasn't enough time to take in everything. But I guess there never will be.

At one point, as my group was walking through the city, I lagged behind to take a photo. And I looked ahead at my group and every one of them was looking up at the buildings, their mouths slightly open, eyes wide. Looking back, I wish I'd gotten a picture of that. The awe in each of their faces as if the city was the most incredible thing they had ever witnessed.

Instead, I ran to catch up and turned to my friend Jessica and laughed. "You can definitely tell we're tourists,"I said.

But she didn't laugh along with me. She looked at me very seriously and asked, "Do you think when you live here long enough these just become buildings?"

I said I assumed so, since you would get used to it and she shook her head. "What a shame," she said.

I must agree. What a shame. It's awful how the things familiar to us so often lose their beauty. Most people that know me know that I did not enjoy the town I grew up in. I remember wanting to move away since the 2nd grade. I often say that the town was "boring." But truthfully, I lived in a pretty little valley with a river running nearby and rolling hills for miles around. No matter what experiences I may have had there, it's important to remember there's beauty in everything. It can be something we will see only once in a lifetime or something we see every day on the way to work. And it's a shame to miss even a bit of it.

If we don't have a past...

We are constantly trying to tell ourselves or others that we are different or special or unique. And sometimes that's a hard concept to believe. I know I often feel very "ordinary." It's one of the reasons we idolize celebrities that aren't so normal or dig back into our ancestry or heritage to find something exciting about our families.

There is one thing that every single person on earth has that is unique to them though. It's called a past. It's like a fingerprint that is forever changing. Even identical twins with the same family and friends have had their own conversations, activities, and experiences, even if they only lasted a second. Not one of us goes through life the exact same way.

We, as a society, are always categorizing people by interest or race or family but everyone is a little bit different and it's something we should treasure about the world I think.

This week I read the book Feed by M.T. Anderson, a dystopian novel about future people connecting their brains to "feeds" or computers. As one malfunctions, a girl loses an entire year of her memory. As she vents to her boyfriend, she says, "Who are we, if we don't have a past?" And really...who? Each day, we may be moving toward death, but we are also growing, right up until the end I think. That's why I find conditions such as amnesia, dementia, and alzheimer's so heartbreaking. They aren't just losing memories of others, but a part of themselves.

There are always quotes about "living in the present" and I don't disagree at all, but when I sit down and think about it, it's so important to take in as much of the past as possible, even the hard parts. You are special. You are different. Unique. But it's those hard events you went through that made you that way. Each place in your life is like another line added to the fingerprint of you.

Explore. Dream Discover.

 I can't really imagine anything better than exploring a place you've never been before, whether it's a new restaurant a block from my apartment or a whole new region of the world. Almost all of my best childhood memories include family vacations. I have loved traveling my whole life and have made my way, with a lot of help from my parents, to 34 U.S. States. Every one has something to offer, no matter how boring it sounds. I have seen the Atlantic and Pacific, the Rockies and the Appalachians. I have explored our nation's capital.

One of my favorite quotes ever is from Mark Twain, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

I am trying very hard to follow his advice. So, I really want to travel abroad. Really bad.  I can't become the author or even the teacher I wish to be without discovering as much about the world as possible. And one of my biggest fears about my future career is that I'll never be able to continue my travel on a teacher's salary, although I know it is going to be the most rewarding job I could take on.

I am currently trying to gather enough scholarship money to intern abroad. I really like this program in New Zealand where I could work in a high school. Why New Zealand?  Because I know absolutely nothing about it. Not one thing. And what's more exciting than that? I get an adrenaline rush just thinking about it. Plus, it has one of the best public school systems in the world and would be a wonderful learning experience. But with just airfare costing over $2,000, it's probably just a dream. Sorry if my post this week is boring but I feel if I publish my goals and reasoning, I might have more drive to push toward this dream. Wish me luck and have a wonderful week!

Why I Surprisingly Really Do Love Sports

Since I watched an amazing comeback game in Husker football last night, it seems appropriate that I talk about sports this week. When I first thought of that topic, I pushed it out of my mind, thinking there was nothing profound or interesting I could say about football, but after some lazy Sunday musings, I have changed my mind.

I have never been an athlete. Or anything close to one. The only two sports I have ever enjoyed are swimming and volleyball and only at the recreational level. I guess I've never had that competitive passion. Or love of running. Or any sort of coordination. Most of the time, the idea of playing basketball or tennis or even golf just makes me groan. I'd rather read or take a nice, relaxing, VERY SLOW walk.

But the spirit of watching a sport is irresistible. Last night I stood for hours on end, shouting and fist pumping and giving high fives. There is no other feeling like that. Every time Wisconsin crept toward our end zone, my heart beat against my rib cage with nervousness and when Martinez threw a pass I would practically fly off the bleachers with it. I actually ended up hugging people around me I'd never met.

Football is my favorite sport to watch, but this year I have found many others to enjoy too. I was wrapped up in the Olympics and glued to the couch during the NBA finals. And how awesome was Andy Murray's win over Djokovic at the U.S. open? Sports bring us together and lift our hearts.

I am in a reporting class right now in which I am required to read newspapers every day. And let me tell you, news, whether world, national, or local, can be very depressing. I once heard a quote by Earl Warren that stated, " I always turn to the sports section first.  The sports page records people's accomplishments; the front page has nothing but man's failures." I think this is true. Failures are newsworthy in most types of news, but sports are about celebrating accomplishments. I think all sports require a sense of pride and community, even if you never play a game.

Remembering

Almost everyone has been asked the question, "If you could have any super power what would it be?" And most people answer flying or invisibility or super strength or mind reading. And those are all powers I'd like, don't get me wrong. But do you want to know the power that always flashes through my mind? Super memory.

I know it sounds strange. No one wants to remember everything. But wouldn't it be nice? No more moments on that test where the answer is at the tip of your tongue but won't come out on paper. No more awkward moments with a face that you can't name. Seeing every moment with the ones you have lost in perfect detail. I wish memory was like a filing cabinet that I could go back in time and look at. But it's not. It's the most unpredictable and confounding thing in the world to me.

In the book Bitterblue by Kritin Cashore that I finished this week, the main character talked about memory. She said, "Things disappear without your permission then come back without your permission. And sometimes they came back incomplete and warped."

I will often walk around campus and see a car drive by or a lilac bush or even someone who looks a little like someone I know and a memory comes flooding back into my head out of nowhere. It's like I have all these movie reels stuck in the folds of my brain and one image or word can unlock them. But what makes them lock up in the first place? Often they are beautiful memories that I wish I had with me always but they won't. They will fade away like dreams in the morning.

I like the part of the quote that says they can come back incomplete and warped too. Memories are so easily influenced by stories others tell or meshing many memories together. Sometimes I have no idea what of my past is truly remembered and what i something my own mind constructed.

You know, I can remember what I ate for breakfast almost all through 3rd grade, but I can't even remember my breakfast from yesterday. And I have a memory of singing to Dixie Chicks in the car with my mom but I have no idea what vehicle we were riding in or if anyone else was with us. I think Maya Angelou said it best. "People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."You may be a visual learner or an auditory learner or a kinetic learner but as far as memory goes, what sticks the longest is the feelings you have. And maybe that's what matters most anyway.

Celebrating Life

While last week, I felt like I had nothing to write about, this week I have an overabundance. I have watched four movies and read two books just this week and, being as I am very opinionated, I could discuss any one of them. But I think I'll touch on a few things I mused about after watching Sophie's Choice on Monday night for my honors seminar.

First of all, during the movie a writer pleads to Sophie, "Tell me the truth. I want to understand." And Sophie replies, "The truth? It does not make it easier to understand." 

I immediately scribbled that down on my notebook because I knew as soon as it came out of her mouth that it was true. I hear about things going on in the world all the time that don't make sense. Sometimes reality is harder to grasp than all the fiction I read and watch in movies. I think the real people of the world make the greatest stories and, like the writer in the movie, I hope maybe I can capture that human spirit.

Next was something my honors professor said before we even watched the movie. He said, "This is a very sad movie, but I think it is also a movie celebrating life. That sounds weird but when terrible things happen, we have to find ways to appreciate life again. Look for that." And there were many scenes in the movie where I was able to feel that joy of living in between moments of sorrow. In the last line in the film, the writer says, " I let go the rage and sorrow for Sophie and Nathan... and for the many others who were but a few of the butchered and betrayed and martyred children of the Earth. When I could finally see again, I saw the first rays of daylight reflected in the murky river. This was not judgment day. Only morning; morning, excellent and fair."

So I left the seminar thinking about life and I want to end this post by sharing some times this week when I really felt like I was "living." The five most "alive" moments of the week.

1. Holding my 2 year old cousin's tiny flower petal of a hand and running through the grass as fast as her little legs would go. We were track stars.

2. Playing a game at my aunt's 50th birthday party and laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. And knowing my family was joining me.

3. Curling up on the couch and watching yet another scary movie with friends.

4. Running back to my apartment through the rain after class without a jacket.

5. Swimming at the Rec. Center until my muscles ached.

Hiding Herbie Husker

Decided to add a light story this week since I didn't have much inspiration. So here goes... On my birthday this year, my brother and sister got me a Herbie Husker pillow pet. Which is awesome. Husker and Pillow Pets together, what could be better? But I've found he can be a tiny bit creepy. Just look below.

But my friend Hillary seems to have found a fascination with this little guy. I've even caught her pinching his plush cheeks. This was fine until this semester when she decided to randomly hide our little pillow friend all over Sarah's and my apartment...

Like on our cabinets...

 So if I happen to die of a heart attack in the near future, blame Hillary. Also, if Herbie happens to catch fire, blame Sarah.

Or even in our shower :/

 

Grandpa Jack

My little inspiration of the week this week comes from my Grandpa Jack. He is currently in rehabilitation after heart surgery at the Nebraska Heart Institute. I've been checking in on him several times this past week.

The other day we were sitting there watching 60 Minutes when he suddenly said "Rox?" I turned to him, thinking maybe he needed help with something or had a question, since his short-term memory isn't so good.

Instead he asked, "If you ever need anything extra up here at college, you'll let me know right?"

I smiled and said, "Yes of course."

He patted my hand and said, "Watch out for the other yay-hoos (he meant the other grandkids) too. You let me know if anyone needs anything." He then went back to watching the television.

And it struck me how lucky I am to have someone like that as a grandfather. After serious surgery and a week in rehabilitation which he hates, he's still looking out for the rest of his family before himself. He might grumble about wanting to go home, but he isn't feeling sorry for himself. He continues to smile and joke and ask about our lives.

I hope that even a little bit of Grandpa's compassion can rub off on me. I tend to be selfish and bossy but I really do love my family and friends despite my dominating personality. So that's what I'm taking away from this week. Even the smallest questions or comments can show you care. Don't let your own problems stand in the way of remembering the ones you love.

"A Hero Can Be Anyone."

So I'm starting a new blog. Starting anew with the new school year. My very close friend Moriah used to always encourage my blogging efforts. I tried to start but always felt like I didn't have time and no one would want to read my posts. Then Moriah suddenly passed away in April at only 20 years old. A few days before she passed away she was telling me how excited she was about her own quote blog. So now I am taking the time to sit down every week and write. No matter if anyone reads or not. I want to document the inspirations I find in day to day life, because life's too short not to appreciate the little things.

Just to introduce myself to anyone who doesn't know me, I am an undergraduate at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln studying Language Arts Education. I love books and movies and traveling. Anything that takes me away. And though it sounds strange to most, I love school. I never want to stop learning.

Though I wanted this blog to be here to share the magic, this week has been a little less than magical. My grandpa has been in the hospital having heart surgery, I watched the corruption of the Dark Knight Rises, and am reading Persepolis about Iranian revolution, learned about racism and hate in my Multicultural Education class, and last night my cousin died in a car crash. Terrible things happen every day. Every hour. Every minute. It doesn't make sense. But the world still turns.

And some beautiful things happened this week too. There is a little squirrel that lives outside my new apartment and sometimes he sleeps in the gutter. Every morning I look for him (or her I suppose) and I smile. Just the little things.

My squirrel

The Dark Knight Rises is one of the best movies I saw in a while.I love comic book movies, but I felt like this one showed a real hero. Batman could have walked away at any time but he risked everything. It wasn't only classic good vs. evil but fear vs. hope. This world scares me sometimes, especially this year, but hope is powerful and I choose to believe in that.

So, "A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a coat around a little boy's shoulders to let him know that the world hadn't ended." I hope I can make a difference like that in one person's life as a teacher in the future. Reassurance. Love. Smiles. Hope. That's why the world keeps turning.