Sitting on Empty

 There are 131 emails in my inbox; 

Greeting me in bold print as I open my eyes, 

Settling like cement around my limbs, my skull. 

I must get up, must fight the concrete of dread.

But I hit snooze for the 5th time instead.

There are 162 emails in my inbox. 

Ten minutes of sleep like a piece of Scotch tape.

The flood is still coming. 

Today, I will hold my head above water

And wonder if anything I do will even matter.

There are 145 emails in my inbox. 

But you wouldn't notice the problems I've solved

While combing my hair and brushing my teeth.

The passenger seat greets me with a paper pile,

To grade; To sign; To drop off; to file.

I don't look at the emails in my inbox. 

"What are we doing today, Ms. Siel?"

19 sets of eyes stare back at my swollen ones.

I take a breath and I put on a show.

We read and write and play and grow.

There are 183 emails in my inbox.

I grab more caffeine, the third trip this week.

I sit at my desk and I begin to respond.

"I'll come to your room. What was the date?"

Heap more meetings onto my plate.

There's 144 emails in my inbox. 

But I'm all out of time. The hour went fast.

I rush to my car and I drive to the next school.

I present the data I prepared late last night.

"Scores are low...how can I help make this right?"

There's 165 emails in my inbox. 

It's lunch time, but I too stressed to eat.

Because if I'm not prepared for every second,

my 30 middle school students will eat me alive.

So I start to plan as I take another drive.

There's 178 emails in my inbox.

Printed the worksheets. Prepared the projector.

The kids pile in and 2 hours of questions begin.

"Can I use the bathroom?" "Change my seat?"

"How do you spell...?" "What does this mean?"

I don't open my inbox. 

I don't want to see the deadlines I'm missing.

I can't respond, "What can I do to help?"

Because, frankly, there's no help left in me.

Both my car and I are sitting on empty.

TikTok, Don't Stop

2020 and 2021 have not been years full of positives. But if anything good came out of the year for me, it was TikTok. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right now. You think it's full of teens dancing silly dances or challenges that involve stealing property from schools. Those things are true. But this app is truly what you make it, and I have designed my feed to be a real source of learning and connection. I truly believe it is what social media was designed to be and other haven't gotten it right. Let me show you.

Facebook is generally filled with people you already know and Instagram might be filled with celebrities and influencers. TikTok though...it lets you meet people like you. 

These two ladies below are middle school teachers. The first lady helps me remember why I teach. I listen to her stories about her own classroom or about conversations with other teachers and I just feel better. She never has perfect organization or a Pinterest-worthy classroom, but I see her as a huge role model. And through the comments, I've actually done problem solving with her and other teachers about classroom issues. The 2nd is a reader like me. After school, she posts about the books she is reading or her students are reading and we often have the exact same opinions on books and it brings me joy. 

                    

I also see people who look like me. I don't follow models or actors or singers. These two wear the exact size of clothes as me and try on different styles to show how'd they look. They are fun and entertaining, but also so normal. I've talked to both of them, asking them about clothes and I can finally talk about fashion that I love without fitting in a Size 2. 

                            

On the other hand, I get to follow people with jobs SO different from mine and it is amazing! I follow a guy who raises tortoises in Arizona, a prop master for television shows in Texas, a professional artist from New Zealand, and a guy who cleans pools in New Orleans. I have learned so much from these guys and am fascinated every day. 

Not only do these people across the world fascinate me, they also inspire me. The pool guy above? He lost his job and has recently made this pool business really flourish. Celina (the 1st girl below) has written several books, started a makeup line, and is one of the most popular content-creators on TikTok. Before last year, she talks openly about being suicidal. The 2nd lady gets hate on a regular basis about her religion and culture, but now has over 3 million people laughing along with her every day. Sarah was lost and didn't know what to do with her life until she made a silly rap video on TikTok and now is pursuing a music career. Jax now has songs on the radio after years of struggling to make it in LA. Kristen had to quit a job she liked because she couldn't afford daycare and TikTok gives her a sense of purpose every day. Emily chose to quit a job at an interior design firm that she didn't love and now does her own renovations with her boyfriend and shares all her design ideas with the world.

 

Speaking of couples, I was pretty disenchanted by relationships as a whole, but some TikTok couples just make me smile. 

                                           

And some of them just make me belly laugh. (Do you notice all my favorite comedians are women?--not typical on any other platform). 

  

Some are real professionals. I follow doctors and nurses and lawyers and dieticians and physical therapists that give real practical advice from their homes or cars without making me feel judged and seeming superior. 

 

In short, TikTok is really a place of connection to people all over the world. Want to learn about board games? It's on TikTok? Thinking of becoming an oceanographer? Watch one in action. Chat with them here. Want to share your art or talents, or even just your thoughts? You can do that on TikTok. So, thanks TikTok. I really need you this year. 

To My Amazing Friends

 I often say, "I don't make friends easily." Or "I'm not social." And those things are true. By some amazing luck, though, despite my awkward, introverted ways, I somehow have collected this incredible group of people that I get to call friends. Not a week goes by that I don't feel thankful for my friends. I try to tell them often how much they mean to me, especially since I lost two of my best friends much too soon and my biggest regret is always that I didn't express how much they made me feel safe and loved and seen before it was too late. However, I think sometimes it's good to have your feelings in print. 

So, this is an ode to some friends.

Thomas....you were one of my first friends. When others bullied me or made me feel weird, you never did. You made the "unpopular" table feel like the best place to be. You gave me a home in every playground or classroom. Most people in my life aren't physically affectionate, so your bear hugs are one of my favorite things in the world. 

Ashley...thanks for always taking me along for your adventures. You never took no for an answer and still have this wonderful sense of leadership that I admire. I love watching you and your family grow. 

Hillary...girl I would be lost without you! You picked me up when I felt at my lowest and brought me into this bright and beautiful world of yours. When I think of college, I think of you.. You love so easily and never let me undervalue myself. Your energy is contagious and it makes my life better each and every day.

Sarah...I am so glad that we decided to room together. I always loved coming home and telling you about my day. Thank you for always listening to my stories and letting me be my weird self. You have the biggest heart and also aren't afraid to call me on my bullshit sometimes.

Bailey...I can't imagine anyone in the whole world not loving you. You exude this peace and kindness that always makes me feel loved and important. Plus, you have a bomb taste in music and books. I'm inspired by you as a fellow educator (I know your a speech-path, but that's a educator to me) and human being.

Skye...I love your honesty and work ethic. You always push me to be better. I also have so much fun with you, whether it's playing games or drinking wine, or just chatting over Marco Polo. I know I can always count on you to be there if I need you.

Kristi...Whenever I'm working through a problem and I send a video to the group about it, I'm waiting on your response because you are the problem solver I wish I was. Your passion for your job makes me so happy and I absolutely love how you are always willing to see things from another point of view before making a judgment. 

Will...When I was finishing my Master's thesis and was having a complete meltdown, you took time to text me all weekend to tell me how amazing I was doing and how everything was going to be worth it. You validated my feelings and truly got me through. You've pushed me ever since with words of encouragement or even a phone call to talk things through when I'm confused. 

And I can't forget my work friends. Thanks to Heidi and Christine for making me feel like a part of a work environment for the first time. Thanks to Patti and Elizabeth for giving me the confidence to try new things. Thanks to Karen for forcing me out of my desk last year to take breaks and to Melissa for calling me after work so we can debrief from our stressful days. 

I have the best friends. 

Why I Really Can Never Get Married

I've spent almost 30 years being single. Recently, I've realized this has absolutely ruined me for any incoming parties...not that I have any interested applicants. Sometimes I think it might be nice to have a boyfriend or a husband...and then I remember:

1. I set at least 5 alarms every morning. I snooze some of them while still asleep. I sleep through some completely. No one will live through this morning torture. 

2. My cat needs at least 2 solid hours of my undivided attention every night. And he ranks pretty high in my book.

3. My apartment regularly reflects the inner chaos of my mind. If I'm overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, or anxious, you better believe I just take my shoes off in the middle of the living room. Or let the dishes pile up. Once, last week, after a particularly stressful day, I dropped a piece of plastic on the floor and the act of picking it up seemed Herculean. 

4. My shower is already full. I have a different shower routine every day and have to fully stock with all the scrubs and conditioners. No shelf room available. 

5. On that same note, I am not willing or able to share a closet.

6. I am guaranteed to go off about the most asinine things. Once, my sister's boyfriend mixed up all my alphabetized spices in the kitchen and I was ENRAGED. 

7. I don't do quiet. This is my volume. It does not change. I will use that volume on a call with friends or singing in the shower. And is you shush me...see #6.

It's a very, very good thing I enjoy my own company. 😄

The Art of Stepping Back

 A few weeks ago, when Simone Biles dropped out of events at the Olympics, my first reaction was, "But you've worked so hard for this moment. Why are you wasting it?" It wasn't that she was letting me down or the United States down. I felt like she was letting herself down. What I didn't realize at that time was that she was, in fact, doing the opposite. She was holding herself together.

I haven't been posting lately because I've been completely overwhelmed at work. I respond to emails in my bed the second I wake up. I'm revising lesson plans as I absent-mindedly shovel dinner into my mouth. I teach kids in 5 different grade levels at two different schools at very definitely abilities. Sometimes I am teaching what sound "a" makes while simultaneously editing an essay. I stayed after school for over an hour today to coach other teachers on how to use a specific website. I ate cheese crackers in the car for lunch. I used speech-to-text to respond to a question from a principal.

Why are you doing all that?, you might ask. Trust me, my family and friends have been asking that for weeks. In some ways, while it doesn't sound like it, this is my dream job. I went back to school, even when I vowed to be done, because I became so passionate about English language learning. I willingly spent hours of my spare time learning about new technology to better engage and assess students because I love it. I'm always on the move and I get to interact with a wide variety of teachers and students every single day. I may not be a dazzling gymnast, but I'm good at this. 

Just because I CAN do all these things though, doesn't mean I have to do it all alone. Two weeks ago, we sat in a meeting and my boss handed out another responsibility to my already very crowded plate. As she explained the assignment, I glanced around the room. I thought, "If I don't do this, someone else will have to carry the burden. If I don't do this, I will look bad to my boss. If I don't do this, am I failing at this job?"

But then, finally, I thought of Simone Biles and thought, "If I DO this, I will hurt myself." Maybe I won't fall and break my legs or hit my head. But mentally, I will be injured. So, I turned to my boss (through tears I admit) and said, "I cannot do that. I am overwhelmed and this is too much." As she promptly handed over the task to a coworker, I felt guilty and selfish. It isn't selfish, though. If I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of my students. I can't be present for my coworkers. Like Simone, I have to assess my limits. I have to protect myself.

I still struggle with the art of stepping back. I probably will my whole life. I want to take care of people. The reality is doing everything for everyone all of the time isn't the only way to care. So I practice a little at a time. When a student came up to me for the 20th time, interrupting me with a question about a worksheet, I started to feel that overwhelmed, shaky feeling. So, first I physically stepped back. I took a breath to calm myself. Then I called another student over. "Could you work together on this? I think you can be a great team." I just graded the assignment. They got 100% and I didn't have to be there. So, if you're like me, take a step back, take a breath. Letting go doesn't always mean you are going to fall. 

Stop Should-ing Yourself

Do you ever have others direct a sentence to you that starts with, "You should..."? 

As a single, overweight, female teacher, who is definitely not a morning person and is very messy, I am bombarded by this sentence starter. In fact, I had this thought a few weeks ago and since then have counted 14 different times that someone said these exact words to me. That's about once a day on average. Most people mean well. They see a problem and they want to help you solve it. "You don't have a boyfriend? Well you should..." "That kid is failing your class? You should..." "You should try eating..." "You should join..." "You should do this for your hair/skincare routine." "You should go to bed at..." 

Every "should" can make me feel like something is wrong with me if they are suggesting that I need to fix it. If I'm seeking advice, that is different. For example, I seek out opportunities to become a better teacher and to better understand child psychology and learning styles. I am unafraid to ask for advice from expert teachers. But, without fail, every year a multitude of people in my life will give me advice about how to run my classroom or respond to my students when they haven't taken a single education class or taught a single day in a middle school classroom. I would never tell the engineers, pharmacists, accountants, or data analysts in my life how to do their job, but for some reason everyone thinks they could be better teachers. I know I am a good teacher and am doing a good job, but I feel undermined all the time. 

The same goes with other areas. If I ask someone where they got their hair done, I want to know. But when someone tells me about a product or diet I should try without prompting, they are saying, "You are not meeting the beauty standards. You need to look different." I know I am beautiful, but I start to second-guess my self-image. When someone gives me advice on how to "meet people", they are telling me I am not meeting societal standards and that being single at my age is somehow inherently wrong. I have actually often thought, "If I went out with someone, it would make my family/friends happy." Not thinking about what makes ME happy. 

Recently, I saw an ad campaign on TikTok from Halo Top ice cream. They start with people saying things like "I should eat healthy." Or "I should be productive" and then they say "Stop should-ing yourself." The actors then sit down on the couch and eat the ice cream. While the ad is nothing extraordinary, it has become my new motto. I can't internalize the things other people are telling me I should do. Waking up early or being a certain weight or being super-organized will not make me a better person. There are not Rules of Life. None. No checklist of how to be the perfect teacher or person. 

So instead of asking myself what I should be doing differently, I want to start asking this: 

What can I accept about myself? Does putting effort into changing this make me a better/kinder person? Instead of making rules about all things I should do in my daily life, I just want to follow one rule. The golden one. As long as I am treating everyone around me how I want to be treated, I am meeting my goal every day, even if I didn't check off every to-do on my calendar. 

Being on a Losing Team

 I don't remember winning even one volleyball game in the 6 years that I played the sport. I am sure we won some, but I don't have memories of celebrations. I have memories of silent locker rooms and disappointed bus rides home. I never won a single swim competition, nor a field day event. Even speech and drama competitions were filled with constant 3rd or 4th place finishes. I watched my dad shout at the television or turn it off completely in anger whenever sports were on. Competitions with my siblings or cousins almost always ended in a fight. I started to learn to avoid competitions altogether. It was easier that way.

After all these experiences, I unsurprisingly didn't really want to buy season football tickets when I went to college. My parents thought differently and bought me the tickets for freshman year. I will never forget that first win in Memorial Stadium. The high-fives from strangers and my raw throat from cheering. How we jumped up and down in unison. None of us had anything to do with the outcome of that football game, but it was OUR team and I felt such pride and belonging for the first time in my life. I finally understood the value of being part of a "team" and the euphoria of a win. 

Phoenix is experiencing that shared euphoria right now. After years of disappointment, the Suns are a winning team. The jerseys and flags and billboards around town make me so happy. Even in a metropolitan area of 5 million people, I feel a sense of community. 

I think being a part of so many losing teams has made me a better person. I am better at managing my reactions and expectations. I have learned to find joy in activities without a "win" and can lose a competitive game without it affecting my self-worth. But I never lose hope in the win around the corner. Phoenix had the 2nd worst record in the league two years ago and the 2nd best in the league this year. Winning isn't everything, but we can keep dreaming and hoping and believing. And that's a beautiful thing. 

Things I Tell My Students That I Really Should Tell Myself

For the past six years, I have taught middle school. That means I have repeated the same instructions an awful lot. Those mantras I say over and over have become so ingrained in me that oftentimes, I don't even think about what I'm saying. The other night my self-talk was clamoring on and on about something in the future that I was worried about and suddenly something inside me said, "Let's not worry about that moment. What's going on in this moment?" This is something I say to kids that are overwhelmed with emotion all the time. I was giving myself advice from a teacher's perspective. So I wondered what other things I tell my student over and over should really be something I am telling myself. Here are some that I thought of:

1. "Noise turned off. Let's listen." I'm not a bad listener, but sometimes, like my students, I want to share my input or am thinking about my own reactions, I can interrupt others when they should have my undivided attention. Even my self-talk can be "noisy" and I need to focus on listening more deeply to the world around me. That is the best way to learn.

2. "If you don't know, ask." I get so irritated with students when they don't let me know what they need or what they don't understand. Questions shouldn't be a sign of weakness or inadequacy. They should be a sign that you are trying to be a better communicator and learner. I, like most middle schoolers, am fiercely independent, so asking for help can feel like failure. It's not. Asking for what I need is healthy. Asking for what I do no understand is how I grow.

3. "Close the computer." As a younger teacher, I have always taught in a digital world. My students have always had Chromebooks with them in the classroom (as well as cell phones for many). That means I am fighting to keep them away from this type of distraction all the time. I love technology. I'd consider myself a fairly "techie" teacher and I think the ways we learn though technology are amazing. But we have to unplug. Students have to be able to think and produce ideas without a hidden Youtube tab running. While I need my phone during the week, I am trying to spend less and less time online during my weekends, even if that means keeping my devices in a separate room. 

4. "What's going on in this moment?" Let's return to my mantra from the first paragraph. I learned this grounding technique in my very first year of teaching. I wasn't very good at using it then, but now I walk my students through it regularly with increased success. When students are freaking out over something that happened to them or was said to them by a classmate or if they are panicking about a future event or consequence, I start asking them questions about the current moment. For example "What do you smell right now?...What are two things you hear?....What are three sensations you are feeling (temperature, pain, texture)?...What are 4 colors you see around you? Noticing these things moves our minds on to a different task than what they are currently overloaded with. It gives my students a chance to calm down. Turns out, it worked for me too. 

So, I'm not much different that a 12-year-old student. We all are human and struggle with the same things. I just need to use my own advice a little more often. 

Writer's Block

 Well, it's officially been 2 entire months of blank stares at this page. It's so funny how sometimes, I have 10 ideas for what to write about and other times, I think every thought that passes through my mind is complete trash. Today is no different. I am not inspired. I don't have some cute/funny story to share or a lesson I learned. I needed to put something down on paper.

Last week, I practiced listening comprehension with my 6th grade English learners. I say simple sentences such as "The children walk along the river in the forest" and students write down exactly what I said. That may seem simple, but if you've ever learned a new language you know that making sense of sounds and translating them to words on paper can actually be super challenging. After the first sentence, one of my students threw down his pencil. I read all over his face the feeling of embarrassment. I picked up the pencil without reaction. I set it next to him and said, "Try again." I repeated the sentence. He refused to pick up the pencil again. I did not make a scene and moved on, but addressed him after class. 

"Do you think giving up helped you learn? Did it help you get better?" I asked.

"No, but I can't do it. I'm not a fast writer. I'm just going to fail."

I wanted to lecture him about trying his best all the time, but honestly, that's ridiculous. I don't try my best at every task I am asked to do. In fact, I actively avoid activities I am not good at such as art or sports. I get frustrated and embarrassed too. 

All I said was this: "I think you will feel a whole lot better getting on that bus today if you write something down on this paper. Can we try one more time? No grade. No sharing. Just writing three words." 

He hesitantly nodded, tears in his eyes. He listened and wrote the words "I can write." 

So, today, I take my own advice. I wrote something down. It may not have been my best day, but I proved I could do it. I can write. I will have better ideas soon. Stay tuned. 

Setting Myself Up for Failure

 This morning as I dragged myself out of bed, I already had a to-do list running through my head. Was it an important day filled with engagements? No. It was a typical Monday. The only things expected of me by others were to show up to work and teach my lessons. The list is totally made-up obligations that I have somehow collected and hold myself accountable for. By 7:45 a.m., I had failed. I was running late and didn't have time to put lotion on. I forgot to grab my water bottle and now I would struggle to drink my 80 ounces of water for the day. I always curl my hair on odd numbered days and instead had lazily thrown it up in a ponytail. I beat myself up on the way to the car. What a way to start a day. 

On Mondays, I have to take out the trash. On the first of the month, I need to trim my cat's nails and pay all my bills and clean my car out. Every day, I must walk and work out and read 2 chapters and practice Spanish. If I don't, I better double it up tomorrow. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Saturdays, I need to cook a full meal even though it's only me eating it. On Mondays and Thursdays, I exfoliate and shave and pluck my eyebrows and clip my own nails. On Fridays and Sundays I do laundry. I have to reach out to a friend every day and my parents at least every 3. Better not forget to clean the floors and the bathrooms once a week. And hike once a week. And swim once a week when it gets warm enough. Why this schedule? What is the reasoning? What is the importance? I have absolutely no idea. 

If I followed these regimens regularly, you might label me as OCD or neurotic. But I never, ever do. I set myself up for failure every single day. This afternoon, I came home from work exhausted and sat down trying to write this blog post because it was "late." As if this was a job. I laughed when I saw the topic I had written down for myself to blog about and took a nap instead. I needed a nap because I keep myself up at night even when I'm exhausted just to "finish my list." I hurt my foot this weekend and could barely walk, but was so worried about not getting my daily walk in that I did 4 arm workouts yesterday instead. 

I had a conversation with a friend recently that my car is my favorite place to be. Sometimes I take a really long drive home just so I can stay in it longer. Sometimes I pull into a parking spot and sit there for 15 minutes before moving on with my day. I realized that the reason I love that time so much is because those minutes in the car are the only moments of the day where I'm not expecting myself to be doing anything else. I can't do any other task. Just drive.  

I think if I woke up with the mentality of "just driving" through my day, I might actually be more productive because I wouldn't get overwhelmed and shut down. I don't have a to-do list at work and somehow everything gets done because I just keep driving, taking on one task at a time. It's currently 10:30 p.m. and I haven't worked out. I didn't do my Spanish practice. I only read one chapter. But it's okay. I don't have to stay up until 1:00. I don't have to make those things up tomorrow. I can shower and go to bed now. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Easier said than done. 

Go Ahead and Reach Out

 Something that a lot of people assume about me is that I enjoy being alone. It is true I am unafraid to go to a movie or out to eat on my own. I love the stillness of a solo hike and the freedom of traveling with only my own destinations in mind. Even this weekend, I am looking forward to having the apartment to myself. However, that doesn't mean I don't want to talk to others. In this pandemic, more than any other time, I have learned how much I crave human interaction. 

"They don't want to hear from me." "They are busy with their significant other." "It will make me seem desperate or lonely." These are things I have told myself my entire adult life. Recently, I have decided these assumptions are just plain wrong. 

A few weeks back, a friend asked me if it would be weird if she bought a birthday gift for a friend she just met. "Everyone appreciates a gift," I said. The truth is, everyone appreciates being thought of in general. When a friend calls me or messages me, even if they are just needing to vent, I always feel good that they thought of me. 

Asking someone for advice isn't automatically a burden. It shows that you trust them and their opinion. Asking someone if they want to do something with you doesn't make you seem desperate. It makes them feel sought after. And while a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife or especially children can create less time for other relationships, it shouldn't be a reason to not reach out. 

I've realized that most people, like me, are hoping others will reach out to them. We are all like middle schoolers with crushes, self-conscious about how others perceive us and so fearful of being rejected, that we wait for others to come to us. Have I been ignored or rejected? Of course. But have some of my best memories started for taking a chance and reaching out to someone that I wanted to hang out with? Definitely. 

You Deserve to Eat

 I know a lot of people are starting the year with diets. Maybe you are avoiding carbs or added sugar. Maybe you are loading up on protein or drinking gallons of water each day. Whatever you are doing, I hope that is going well. I am rooting you on with whatever you do. But for anyone out there that needs to hear this, you deserve to eat. Even if you didn't go to the gym today. Even if the number on the scale isn't what you'd like. Even if you ate a big breakfast. You are worthy of food when you are hungry. Period. I am so tired of us demonizing food and therefore ourselves or others who eat those foods. 

To the coworker who walks by the bowl of Starburst on my desk each day with a pained look on her face because that one piece of candy is totally off-limits, I really wish you'd enjoy a moment of bliss on the way back to your desk. 

To the coworker who makes comments about how much she needs to lose every single day, I think you are wonderful and I hope you can appreciate many things your body can do in spite of any number.

To the coworker who watches what everyone else eats at lunch and tries to explain her choices for her own meal, you don't have to justify your own worth. I wish you would start enjoying your lunch instead of stressing about it. And when I don't eat, it is because I promise I'm just not hungry. I'm not better than you. 

And most importantly, to myself, guilt should not be an ingredient of any food. It was okay to trash that broccoli because it didn't taste good. It was okay that you ate that whole plate of nachos when you were really hungry. No matter what my size, I deserve to eat. 

Stand Tall

 When I took photos with friends in high school, I used to always lean over or squat down. I didn't want to be the awkward, tall friend. For so many years, I tried to make myself smaller. While our society values big, tall men, I can assure you that most people don't feel the same about women. Never once have I heard a positive comment from someone about my height (unless they are asking me to grab something on a higher shelf.)

Books I read always have a main character who is small and petite. Usually the character jokes about and is teased about how short she is, but it's always in an affectionate manner. She is "small but mighty" or a "little spitfire." And, in romances, the men around them always kiss them on the top of the head or pick them up to throw over their shoulder. 

It isn't just a standard in fantasy. In the real world, I have had so many guys make comments about me being "too tall." On dating apps, I have actually seen profiles that request no girls over 5' 6".  New people that I meet ask if I play sports and when I admit I'm not athletic, they say things like, "That is a shame."  I have had at least three coworkers who have made comments about me wearing heels, "Aren't you already tall enough without those shoes?" 

About a month ago, I delivered some materials to a 5th grade student. It was the first time I had met her in person after months of teaching through a computer screen. Her first reaction was, "You're so tall!" In the past, I would have brushed that comment away, trying to draw attention away from myself. But I remembered how hesitant this particular student was to turn her camera on during class and show her face. So, instead, I said, "Yeah, I used to not like that I was different than my friends. But now I love being the tallest one in the room. It's good to be different." 

After teaching middle school for 6 years, I know that almost every student of this age is confronting how they don't meet the standards of the community around them. Students worry about their skin being too dark or they have too many freckles. They hate their big foreheads or breast size. This student said, "I'm different than my friends too." While she didn't share details, I said, "Well, I love that you are different. I'm so glad I got to see your face today." She stills hides her face during most classes. I can't change a 10-year-old's self-image with one conversation. However, she shares with me a lot more.

I didn't lie to her. I now really own my height. I love speaking in a meeting or talking to a student and having others look up to me. When I slipped on my heels and became over 6-foot tall today, I felt powerful and confident and ready to take on the day. I hope all of you take on the day today without hiding your smile because of crooked teeth or covering your beautiful face because of acne. Don't apologize for not looking like everyone else. 

No One Is Looking At You...

     I read in a book recently (I can't remember which one unfortunately) that most people are worried of what others are thinking of them while the other people are only worrying about themselves. At first, I rejected this idea. It seemed self-centered and I felt that not everyone was self-obsessed. Also, everyone is always judging everyone around them, right? 

    Yesterday, I walked into a gym to do a cycling class. I hadn't done one of those classes in a long time and knew that I was out of shape and would be terrible. To amplify my insecurities, the bikes lit up based on your pace and effort. While others had red lights flashing for the entire hour, I struggled to move my light from green to yellow. I felt really embarrassed, but then I remembered that book I had read. I took a quick glance around the room. Guess what? Besides me, no one was looking at anyone but themselves in the mirror or down at their bike. Every person was on their own journey. They were only worried about themselves. In fact, I remembered when I walked in. how the entire back row was taken first. Most likely those cyclist felt insecure as well. And even if someone had noticed my slow progress, they probably didn't think twice about it. Why would a stranger's abilities matter to them?

    Moments like this happen to me too often. A few weeks back, the jumpsuit I was wearing to work starting to come apart at one of the seams. The entire day, I had anxiety about if people were looking at it. It was layered, so it wasn't like you could even see skin. I just compounded my own anxiety about my weight and made a huge deal about a little tear. Then I thought, when have I ever studied one of my coworker's outfits? I couldn't tell you what anyone was wearing yesterday. Our work stations are 20 feet apart, for goodness sakes. And even if I had seen a rip in someone's outfit, I wouldn't have ever thought that rip was an indicator of their weight. Rips happen.

    Every person in the world has their own problems. Their own workload and families and goals and plans. Even if it seems self-absorbed, we as humans think of ourselves more than anyone else thinks of us. I need to be much less worried about others looking at me and much more concerned about how I look at myself. I may have many flaws, but there are a lot of good things to see too.