As a single, overweight, female teacher, who is definitely not a morning person and is very messy, I am bombarded by this sentence starter. In fact, I had this thought a few weeks ago and since then have counted 14 different times that someone said these exact words to me. That's about once a day on average. Most people mean well. They see a problem and they want to help you solve it. "You don't have a boyfriend? Well you should..." "That kid is failing your class? You should..." "You should try eating..." "You should join..." "You should do this for your hair/skincare routine." "You should go to bed at..."
Every "should" can make me feel like something is wrong with me if they are suggesting that I need to fix it. If I'm seeking advice, that is different. For example, I seek out opportunities to become a better teacher and to better understand child psychology and learning styles. I am unafraid to ask for advice from expert teachers. But, without fail, every year a multitude of people in my life will give me advice about how to run my classroom or respond to my students when they haven't taken a single education class or taught a single day in a middle school classroom. I would never tell the engineers, pharmacists, accountants, or data analysts in my life how to do their job, but for some reason everyone thinks they could be better teachers. I know I am a good teacher and am doing a good job, but I feel undermined all the time.
The same goes with other areas. If I ask someone where they got their hair done, I want to know. But when someone tells me about a product or diet I should try without prompting, they are saying, "You are not meeting the beauty standards. You need to look different." I know I am beautiful, but I start to second-guess my self-image. When someone gives me advice on how to "meet people", they are telling me I am not meeting societal standards and that being single at my age is somehow inherently wrong. I have actually often thought, "If I went out with someone, it would make my family/friends happy." Not thinking about what makes ME happy.
Recently, I saw an ad campaign on TikTok from Halo Top ice cream. They start with people saying things like "I should eat healthy." Or "I should be productive" and then they say "Stop should-ing yourself." The actors then sit down on the couch and eat the ice cream. While the ad is nothing extraordinary, it has become my new motto. I can't internalize the things other people are telling me I should do. Waking up early or being a certain weight or being super-organized will not make me a better person. There are not Rules of Life. None. No checklist of how to be the perfect teacher or person.
So instead of asking myself what I should be doing differently, I want to start asking this:
What can I accept about myself? Does putting effort into changing this make me a better/kinder person? Instead of making rules about all things I should do in my daily life, I just want to follow one rule. The golden one. As long as I am treating everyone around me how I want to be treated, I am meeting my goal every day, even if I didn't check off every to-do on my calendar.
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