This morning as I dragged myself out of bed, I already had a to-do list running through my head. Was it an important day filled with engagements? No. It was a typical Monday. The only things expected of me by others were to show up to work and teach my lessons. The list is totally made-up obligations that I have somehow collected and hold myself accountable for. By 7:45 a.m., I had failed. I was running late and didn't have time to put lotion on. I forgot to grab my water bottle and now I would struggle to drink my 80 ounces of water for the day. I always curl my hair on odd numbered days and instead had lazily thrown it up in a ponytail. I beat myself up on the way to the car. What a way to start a day.
On Mondays, I have to take out the trash. On the first of the month, I need to trim my cat's nails and pay all my bills and clean my car out. Every day, I must walk and work out and read 2 chapters and practice Spanish. If I don't, I better double it up tomorrow. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Saturdays, I need to cook a full meal even though it's only me eating it. On Mondays and Thursdays, I exfoliate and shave and pluck my eyebrows and clip my own nails. On Fridays and Sundays I do laundry. I have to reach out to a friend every day and my parents at least every 3. Better not forget to clean the floors and the bathrooms once a week. And hike once a week. And swim once a week when it gets warm enough. Why this schedule? What is the reasoning? What is the importance? I have absolutely no idea.
If I followed these regimens regularly, you might label me as OCD or neurotic. But I never, ever do. I set myself up for failure every single day. This afternoon, I came home from work exhausted and sat down trying to write this blog post because it was "late." As if this was a job. I laughed when I saw the topic I had written down for myself to blog about and took a nap instead. I needed a nap because I keep myself up at night even when I'm exhausted just to "finish my list." I hurt my foot this weekend and could barely walk, but was so worried about not getting my daily walk in that I did 4 arm workouts yesterday instead.
I had a conversation with a friend recently that my car is my favorite place to be. Sometimes I take a really long drive home just so I can stay in it longer. Sometimes I pull into a parking spot and sit there for 15 minutes before moving on with my day. I realized that the reason I love that time so much is because those minutes in the car are the only moments of the day where I'm not expecting myself to be doing anything else. I can't do any other task. Just drive.
I think if I woke up with the mentality of "just driving" through my day, I might actually be more productive because I wouldn't get overwhelmed and shut down. I don't have a to-do list at work and somehow everything gets done because I just keep driving, taking on one task at a time. It's currently 10:30 p.m. and I haven't worked out. I didn't do my Spanish practice. I only read one chapter. But it's okay. I don't have to stay up until 1:00. I don't have to make those things up tomorrow. I can shower and go to bed now. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Easier said than done.
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