Stop Discounting the Before Picture

Just this month, I have probably seen over 50 "before and after" photos on my social media. Friends share their weight loss or bodybuilding successes. Advertisements highlight the effects of a certain pill or diet. Paparazzi catch celebrities with their post-baby bodies. I absolutely hate this landscape of before vs. after. Obviously, I absolutely want to celebrate people in their growth to become healthier or more confident. The problem I have is the disgust we as a society seem to have for the "before." 

Think about every before picture you have ever seen. The person always looks sad. Often, they are slouching, looking unconfident. Many times, they even change the lighting or filters to make it looks more depressing. I think people get caught in this "before" stage. They think, "Things are bad now, but someday, when I'm thinner/richer/fitter/married/more successful, I will be happy." 

I could do a lot of things differently in my classroom, but that does not mean I'm not a good teacher right now. I'd really like to lose 25 pounds, but that does not mean I'm repulsive at my current weight. I could be in much better shape, but that doesn't mean I'm not strong as I am. I don't want to think of myself as the before picture. I want every image I have of myself to one with a positive filter.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post about hope. I truly believe hope is an incredible force that helps us move forward and grow as human beings. We can always do better. We can always believe there will be better. Hope, however, can cross the line into unattainable expectations. I have great hope for the future for those I love and the world and myself. The world right now, though, is beautiful. The me I am right now is important.

I Watched Every Original on Disney Plus (Now You Don't Have To)

The new Disney Plus service, like everything Disney, premiered and filled the world with a little magic. People of all ages were filled with nostalgia as they searched for their most memorable childhood movie or television show to re-watch. Some binge-watched Marvel movies and some the classic animations. It's an awesome spot to hold all those favorites. 

The thing I was the most interested in, though, were the new things. Don't get me wrong, I have a LOT of Disney favorites, but if I really wanted to watch those again, I could have used the library or my DVD collection or the Internet. While the platform is much easier, it's not necessary. So, I decided to tackle the originals. I watched everything single new on Disney Plus (except one--more on that later) that came out in the first three weeks of the service. There honestly wasn't a ton. Here's what you should know:

1. Lady and the Tramp:

This is the only new movie I have watched. The other one is a Christmas movie (Noelle) and I have a policy that I don't start Christmas movies or music until after Thanksgiving. Lady and the Tramp is a cute kid's movie. I didn't dislike it. But I think it lacked a lot of charm. The real dogs, although cute, don't express the same emotions available in animation and I didn't feel attached to the characters because of that. I was also severely disappointed with the fact that the cats were not Siamese cats. I mean, the best song was "We are Siamese if you please. We are Siamese if you don't please." Right? 

2. Mandalorian: 

This is far and away my favorite thing on Disney Plus right now. I know Star Wars is not everyone's cup of tea, but this for me is exactly what I love from the Star Wars universe. The plot lines are simple so far, but that is okay with me. There's just enough action without being overwhelming and I think there is a lot of potential for great storylines and character relationships. Plus, I can not get enough of baby Yoda. He melts my heart. As of now, this is the only thing I plan to continue watching as they release on a weekly basis. If you don't have Disney Plus, you should know it isn't as binge-ready as Netflix with only one episode at a time, but I also kind of enough the "old-school" wait for each new episode to release.

3. High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: 

Despite the horrendous name of this show (the only other scripted show other than Mandalorian out now), it was the biggest surprise so far. I liked the High School Musical movie as a teenager, but expected this spin-off to be terrible. It turned out to be very watchable. I definitely think that the intended audience if pre-teens or teens, but the characters are fun, the writing is good, and I actually laughed a few times. I also really like that it seems to target a younger crowd because it feels much more like the original than the recent spin-offs like Girl Meets World that seem to want to engage nostalgic adults instead of kids. This is Disney. Make it for the kids. 

4. Encore!: 

This is the first of the nonfiction series. The rest of the programs are all nonfiction. This one, out of all of them intrigued me the most because of my background in drama. The premise is that they bring casts of high schools plays together long after graduation to recreate their production. The results, in my opinion, are terrible. The series honestly just makes me feel sad. Some of these people have never moved past high school. Most realize their idealized version of these high school performances was not reality. While the casts may have been close in the past, they don't click now. Most, honestly, don't really have much acting or singing ability. I really had a hard time continuing watching these first three episodes and I don't plan to continue after this trial run. Also, Kristen Bell, despite being on the promos, is not part of the show. 

5. The Imagineering Story:

If you are a huge Walt Disney fan and want to understand the history of the theme park, this one is for you. To me, it wasn't all that exciting, but I am sure to some, this is really interesting. Of course, the documentary is made my Disney, so it shines everything in an amazing light. I really do enjoy documentaries and history, but I like to hear all sides and you aren't going to get that with this story.

6. Marvel's Hero Project: 

These are feel-good stories about kids doing great things in the world. Although I think the series tries to hard and a lot of it feels forced, I will fully admit that I cried (twice) during the first three episodes and it makes me feel good about the future of the world. I'm not highly anticipating every episode, but if I need a boost of hope, you'd better believe I'd turn this on again.

7. The World According to Jeff Goldblum:

 I really wanted to like this one. It seemed right up my alley. I like to learn about new things and I though Jeff would make an entertaining host. It just seems to fall flat so far. Nothing crazy interesting. Doesn't go into depth about things that may actually be interesting. It's a no for me.

8. The Short Series: There are a lot of quick 5 minute shows in the originals section, but I'm going to lump them together here. Disney Family Sundays is a wonderful idea in theory with crafts to do with you kids, but the crafts seem way to complicated with supplies that would difficult to find in my opinion. Use Pinterest for ideas instead. Pixar in Real Life is completely pointless to me. I don't understand it. Forky Asks a Question is okay programming for young kids to teach them about different concepts. There are some new short films that are pretty good. I enjoy those, so hope Disney Plus turns out to be a great platform for us to see a lot more of those. 

So, that's it. Right now, my feelings toward Disney Plus are that it is wonderful for families with kids. It provides a one-stop-shop for anything they want to watch. For older audiences though, I think they are going to really work on adding more things "new" in order to compete with other services. I can't in good-conscience pay over $80 a year when I can find everything on there I'd want (besides Mandalorian) in another way. Disney knows this. I just read that Disney has over 30 new series planned for the next year. The wide majority of those, though, look to be Marvel or superhero shows. I love Marvel, but I think it might be becoming oversaturated in that department. Hopefully, I'll be surprised. 

Hope Is...

"Hope" is the thing with feathers-

That perches in the soul-

And sings the tune without the words-

And never stops-at all-

And sweetest-in the Gale-is heard-

And sore must be the storm-

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm-

I've heard it in the chilliest land-

And on the strangest Sea-

Yet-never-in Extremity,

It asked a crumb-of me.

(Emily Dickinson)

That was one of the only poems I have ever memorized in my life and sometimes it comes to me in random moments. I imagine that little bird called "Hope" singing away, regardless of the circumstances. It's so easy to discount that bird's song, but I think it is such an important thing to feed. After love, I think hope is the most important force in the world.

In a recent episode of This is Us, a dinner party after the death of a loved one goes awry. To comfort Rebecca, Miguel tells a story about making wine. He said good wine is difficult to produce. It doesn't come every year, even when winemakers take precautions or work as hard as they possibly can to protect their crops. Sometimes, they toil away for no reward, but they keep doing it year after year though, hoping for a better outcome. It doesn't always come, but sometimes it does and it is amazing. It may have been a corny or overly-dramatic metaphor, but it rings true.

There are so many things in our worlds that we can't control. Things don't turn out right. We get sick or injured or depressed. Our car breaks down. We hate our jobs. There's a leak in the house. Someone we love dies. Those are dark holes. Those moments of darkness make it very hard easy to hear a constantly repeating soundtrack that say, "Why is this happening to me?" or "Why does everything go wrong?" or "Things will never get better." Try to listen for Hope. That bird's song can be faint, but it never stops at all.

The Most Important Language in My Classroom

This year, there are a lot of languages spoken in my classroom. I have 25 students who speak Spanish at home and come to me to improve their English. I have 3 that only spoke Arabic until just last year. One speaks Tagalog (which sounds so cool!). Then, I have English speakers that come in each day to learn French and Spanish and Italian and German. I think about language and the way languages work every single day.

            Here’s a hard truth, though. It doesn’t matter what language or words I use. No matter how many times I repeat an grammar rule or tell my students that "really" is, in fact, not spelled with an "i", my kids will not all be learning languages. Throughout my life, I have heard about different learning languages and different personality types and growth mindsets for students. All of these things are important to know and understand. To me, though, none of them are as important as the most important language in my classroom: the language of love.

I know, that sounds incredibly corny, but it is true! It doesn’t matter what words I use to communicate to these kids if those words don’t show that I care about them.  Kids that feel cared for will work harder for you. That is a tested truth. The only problem is that, like any language, love languages aren’t necessarily universal. I could greet each student exactly the same way every day and present every lesson the same and respond to every question and concern identically, and I would only reach a portion of the students. That’s why I learn my students’ love languages every year.  Let me give you some examples.

Students that respond to words of affirmation are always the easiest to reach. “Wow, that is such a thoughtful answer”, “I really love the effort you put into this project today”, or even “I love your new backpack” are so impactful. I try to hand out affirmation as much as possible in my first few weeks of school in order to get an understanding of which students really light up. I keep those students in mind and remember to never be skimpy on compliments whenever I notice something positive.

For some students, words aren’t enough. So, next comes my “gifts” kiddos. I’m not talking about spending money on actually buying them gifts all the time. All I do is hand out “Bee Cards” (They were “Panther Paws” in my last school) when I see a student follow or exceed expectations. Even though it is just a slip of paper, that “gift” really means something to some students. While the slips of paper can be saved up to buy actual prizes, sometimes the paper is enough. For example, I have one student this year who has already collected over 50 of them without spending them. I asked him last week if he was saving for something special and he said, “Not really. I just like to have them as a reminder of how good I’m doing.” His love language is definitely gifts.

I have found that, in middle school, the portion of my students that use physical touch as their love language are usually repressing that need. It is a shame, since a hug can have so many benefits, but I am able to reach these kids in less affectionate ways too. I love giving high fives anytime a student answers a question or does something responsible. So many kids try to act like they are too cool for that, but grin like crazy when I put my hand up. I can picture one girl I have this year now, so eager to do well so she can get a high-five. In my first year of teaching, a boy made up a special handshake for us that we used every day to greet one another.

The next love language is “acts of service.” These take a bit more time and attention. I have made efforts to go to basketball games or concerts or soccer games or school plays to support students. I have fixed broken lanyards when I saw the need. In these instances, with tough students, I often have to ask a lot of questions in order to identify what needs they have, but acts of service are often the most appreciated of all the love languages.

Finally, there is “quality time.” As my own predominant love language, this should be the easiest for me to give, but in the chaos of a school day, it can often be forgotten. When 20 kids are yelling my name at once, giving one student one-on-one time can be difficult. I know from experience how much it means though. Some of my best experiences with my own teachers were when my computer teacher sat with me and helped me create something new in Photoshop or when my speech coach spent time listening to my speech over and over. It was when a teacher allowed me to come in during my lunch hour just to talk. Lots of my kids just need an ear that is actually listening without distraction.

I know my students will all be hearing new languages in my classroom every day this year. But I also hope they hear their own language. Their language of love.

When You Talk Too Much

For the first writing assignment for the year in my Writing and Grammar class, the students were assigned to write a paragraph about something they were good at with reasons to support this claim. Most students bragged that they were great soccer players, outstanding artists, or wonderful friends.  Then I got to a paper that started like this:

"I am really good at talking too much."

My first reaction was to think he did the assignment wrong. It was supposed to be positive. I continued to read. He explained how his mom constantly had to tell him to be quiet. He told how he raised in hand so that he could talk in every class. He even labeled himself the "speaker" for his younger brothers. While it wasn't necessarily a positive paragraph, it was a claim that he really believed was true and he had relevant evidence to back up his belief. He had been told his whole life he talked too much, and that had become a part of his identity. When asked to write about himself, this was his self-perception.

I ended up giving the student an A. His paragraph really struck a chord with me. How many times have I been told to be quiet by my parents? How many teachers told me to "give someone else a chance to talk"? How many times have I been excited and talked right over someone else? And I've definitely seen that glazed look in the eyes of all my friends at one point or another when I just forgot to quit. People in my life have always joked about it, but it always, always makes me feel terrible when someone brings attention to my talking.

Unfortunately for my friends and family, I can't stop talking. When something comes to mind, I just am dying to blurt it out immediately. So is this student. He talks and talks and talks. I realized reading his paragraph, that I had already lectured him a couple times about blurting out in class just in the very first  week. So, I took the next week to be purposeful about listening to him instead. While, at times, I knew he was just looking for a laugh from his peers, he also loved to contribute to what we were learning. He had all kinds of ideas and wanted to share them.

Today, I approached him. I said, "You know what? I talk a lot too." "Really?" he replied. "Yep. Everyone is always telling me that I talk too much. But sometimes it's good to tell your stories. I like to hear what you have to say. We talkers have to stick together."

I Like Me Better

There are people in our lives that we want to get to know more. They are interesting or funny or kind. We are attracted to their energy. Something much more rare and special, though, are those people who shine that energy back at us. Instead of just wanting to get to know them, we want them to get to know us. We open ourselves up without feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious. As the song goes, "I like me better when I'm with you." As Ross says in the episode of Friends that is coincidently on in front of me right now, "I love the person I am when I'm with you." We all deserve people like that; that not only make us feel important and beautiful and interesting, but whose presence actually pushes us to be better people. 

Finding these people is hard. I make it even more difficult for myself. I fall into category #1. I love lots of people. I want to get to know lots of people. I want to help people and do things with these people. But I always assume they wouldn't want to know me. I assume they are annoyed or irritated by my presence. To be fair, many, many people have been annoyed by me in my life. I can be overbearing and very loud. However, the sigh my sister responded with might have nothing to do with me, but with her stressful day. The lack of communication with a good friend may have more to do with her busy schedule than her feelings about me. 

This is starting to sound like a blog where I tell you I should be more positive and presume good intentions and open myself up, huh? That would follow the typical pattern of my posts. Here's the truth, though. I can't do that. I can try. I could tell myself to not take things to heart and be confident in myself. I could tell myself that every hour of every day. I still wouldn't. I would still feel like I was falling short. Here's the good news. I'm lucky enough to be a teacher of middle school students. And even though that is a dreaded age group for most, with those kids, I never have to guess feelings. 😂They will tell me when they hate me and tell me when they love me. They'll tell me when I'm being "lame" and when my dress looks pretty. And, when I'm teaching, I feel in my element. It is when I'm the most confident and least worried. In fact...I like me better when I'm with them.

6 more days until the first day of school!

Goals for A New Year

Tomorrow marks the first day for me as a teacher here in Arizona. While it will only be trainings all week, which will most likely be boring, I am so excited to get started. For those of you who don't know, I am teaching something completely new this year: English Language Development. I have worked with many students in my past four years of teaching that spoke another home language, but never before have I been given the task of specifically helping them develop their English language. I know my teaching practices as a reading teacher will serve me well in this new venture, but it is a new state with new standards and test, a new school with different expectations and procedures, and a very different demographic of students. While in some ways that is daunting, it is also incredibly exciting. I really can't wait. To mark this powerful new moment in my life, I , as always, made a list. There will be a learning curve. I won't get a lot right. I want my expectations to be realistic. This is what I want from this year:

1. I will learn something every day. Even if it is what doesn't work with a group of students or something new about a single student. If I walk home knowing something I didn't know coming into the day, I have accomplished something.

2. I will share my love of reading...and writing...and speaking. I may not be a reading teacher anymore, but I can't think of a better way to learn English than by reading. I learn new words all the time when reading books. I know not all of my kids will love reading like I do. In fact, it will be an incredibly frustrating enterprise for many of them. I think attitude goes a long way. If I am just honest about my love for all of these things, students may see potential for the same love with practice.

3.I will have an organization system. While many amazing teachers are very disorganized, I learned in the past few years how less stressful a school year can be if you do the work of really thinking things through up-front.

3. I will give students the opportunity and the encouragement to participate. I think this is incredibly important when learning a language. I know Spanish in theory fairly well, but I am not fluent because I never actually talk to people in that language. When I am given the opportunity, I always feel as if everyone is judging what I say. So, it is my goal to make sure the environment is safe and encouraging for everyone to talk without judgement.

4. I will be open to feedback. I think one of the best ways to get better is to ask others with more experience. As I learned early on from speech competitions, it is difficult to take negative feedback, but if we utilize the criticism and understand it is not a personal attack, we can get better. I also think it's important to ask students how they feel things are going. I don't have to take all advice, but I need to listen to all of it.

I am so excited to start this new adventure and will keep you all up to date on the things I learn along the way!

Taking Up Space

A few days ago, I was lying on the couch, my body stretched up so I took up the entire length of it. I was so relaxed. Then, my sister walked into the living room and I immediately sat up. "Sorry," I said; an automatic reaction. She wrinkled her forehead and asked, "Sorry for what? Existing?" I replied, "No, taking up space."

Obviously I meant I was sorry for taking up the entire couch. Practically, I was just trying to be polite, but as I said it, I thought, "Damn, she's right. Taking up space IS existing. I just apologized for existing."

I continued to think for the rest of the evening about how I often I do just that. I mean, how often do you say, "I'm sorry to bother you"? I say it A LOT. Even when I'm just talking about important work-related things to a coworker, which shouldn't "bother" them at all. I am always concerned about encroaching on other people's time and space. I actually feel stressed when I'm standing in the way of someone else at the grocery store, even though I have just as much of a right to stop and think about what I'm buying as they do. I know I'm not the only one who apologizes for a messy house. Everyone does that. I barely walk into someone else's house without hearing it. Unless it's so bad that a guest can't sit down, I promise our clutter isn't hurting other people in any way. My sister can find another spot to sit. People can wait for me to make a decision. If my friends and family are annoyed by answering a text, they probably aren't good people to have in my life.

By taking up less space; by talking quieter or reaching out less, I really am trying to "exist" less in a way. I need to think of myself less as a burden and more as an asset to my environment. It is such a hard thing to me. I apologize too much. You could argue that this is a result of a mid-western upbringing. You could say it is the conditioning of women in our society. Both are probably true. But the heart of it is this. I have to believe I am worth enough to take up your time and space. I am important enough to be seen and to be heard.

You Belong

Imagine you are in a room full of people, but no one is looking at you. No one is talking to you. You are physically uncomfortable, wishing you were in your bed or at least somewhere familiar. You've been there, right? I think we all have. That out-of-place feeling is something everyone has to go through in life. Discomfort isn't always a bad thing. What is important is that we all find our reprieve. We all need to be able to "go home."

I personally believe a sense of belonging is just as important to our well-being as food or shelter. I'm very serious about this. The feeling of not belonging is like starving. Your physical body may look no different, but your mind shrivels up. In my previous classroom, some of my students needed nourishment in the form of food, but ALL of them needed nourishment in the form of belonging. It is a top priority for me to know my students names. I greet them each day. I ask them questions. I tell them I missed them when they are gone. I don't care if they enjoy my class. I care that they feel seen and their presence is acknowledged.

This doesn't change when we grow up. Most people I know, unfortunately, dislike their jobs and the number one complaint I hear is that they feel unappreciated or like they don't belong in that job. It isn't about phony "team-building." It's about genuine connections and feeling like contributions are valid.

As I have just moved to a new city, it is very easy for me to fall into the category of "not-belonging." My environment is new, but "going home" isn't about a physical place. On my trip down here, I stopped in my home town. That house used to be my safe place. That school used to feel like home. Now, they are just buildings. We make our home in places we feel belonging and I know I will eventually find where I belong here. I still have family that has always made me feel wanted. I have friends that, although not near me, show me I belong when they answer my texts or phone calls. We can all belong somewhere. If you are feeling unwanted or unseen, keep looking around that crowded room. You will find your home. You belong.

All The Ways to Show You Care

While all the talk and attention this season has been about the series finale of Game of Thrones, the same week a series finale of a show I have watched for a LOT of years aired: The Big Bang Theory. And while no series finale can please everyone, I really enjoyed this ending. While a light-hearted comedy throughout, this show oftentimes bumped up against important life themes like friendships, relationships, and compromise.

In the last episode, Sheldon gives a heartfelt speech to show his appreciation for the important people in his life. This was out-of-character for a guy who viewers often ask "Why are they even friends with him?" after he insults, belittles, or infuriates them. The speech came after his wife, Amy confronts him in this scene:

Sheldon: How can you call them friends when they are abandoning us? 
Amy: They're abandoning us because you broke their hearts. 
Sheldon: I didn't mean to.
Amy: I know. You never mean to. That's the only reason people tolerate you. 

Something about that really hit Sheldon hard...and it stuck with me as well. Friends and family can hurt us the most because we care about them and their opinions and reactions the most. But actions or words don't always reflect intentions. Advice from a parent may make you feel embarrassed or annoyed when really the fact that they are there to give their input is an extraordinary act of caring. A friend might not listen to you when you really want them to or may hurt your feelings, but you know that in an emergency, they would drop everything to help. If you know that about someone...they care.  In Big Bang Theory, Sheldon annoyed the living hell out of everyone, but he was always there for people. While his help wasn't always ideal, showing up is caring. I say the wrong thing all the time, but I hope the people I care about know that those in-the-heat-of-the-moment words don't reflect my heart.

There's a million ways to show you care about someone. Try to look past the small moments and look at the bigger heart of people. And, like Sheldon, also take time to be explicit and say the words sometimes too.

What I Learned in My First Four Years of Teaching

Today marks the last day of my 4th year teaching at Park Middle School.

Three years ago, on this final week of my first year, I was a mess. My classroom was a literal mess of broken pencils and graffiti on the tables. My kids were out of control. My mental stability was hanging on by a thread. I felt like the kids hadn't learned anything and I was a terrible teacher.

This year, during this last week, I watched students work hard to perfect their final projects and clean up after themselves without asking. I easily organized my classroom to pack it up. The kids smiled and laughed and cheered each other on during final games and activities without ever disrupting other classes. I am confident that every single student has improved in one aspect of reading. I don't think I'm a great teacher and I definitely haven't slept much this week, but I definitely don't feel depressed and over-stressed either.

So what happened in the last three years to improve the quality of my final days? What have a learned? The answer is A LOT. But, if I had to break it down, here are the most important things I have learned as a teacher:

1. Get to Know Your Students. While this is always something I tried to do, I didn't realize how important it was at first. When you greet students by name and mention something you know about them or ask them personal questions, they begin to feel respected and safe in the classroom. When students feel safe, they relax and don't react in volatile ways as often. When they feel respected, they give more respect in turn. The authentic relationships you build are amazing too!

2. Find a Balance. In my first year...or two... Who am I kidding? Even this year, I found it hard to separate my personal life from my teacher life. I would lug piles of papers home and spend nights in bed typing lessons or creating presentations. I found myself worrying about a student issue in the middle of a conversation with a friend or family member. I know now that is essential for my mental well-being to separate myself and take a break. By leaving papers to grade and my work computer at school most days this semester, I have forced myself to stop and do things for myself. This makes me calmer and, just like my students, I have less impulsive responses to situations at school when I have had a break.

3. Be Honest with Students. So many people gave me advice my first year to be strict and firm for the beginning of the year and not show signs of weakness. Actually, my second year I worked even harder at "acting tough" because I figured that is where I went wrong. I don't act at all anymore. I am myself. I don't deny students and give consequences "because I said so" or to exude power and control. Whenever I can, I explain my decisions. While the response: "You can't go to the bathroom right now because you'll miss the instructions and they are important. Can I have your attention for a while and then we'll come back to this if you still really need to go?" is a lot longer than "No!" I guarantee it gets better results. Students generally want to work with you and like when you explain things. I also admit my mistakes. If I do react harshly, I will tell them why I was upset and apologize. Some may say that shows weakness. I believe it models how to correct your mistakes.

4. Don't Let Tests Be "The End." Tests are supposed to show us what students know or don't know. They should be used to better our students not just label them with a letter. When almost everyone in my class failed a test, I used to be upset with them for not listening. Now, I take time to figure out how to reteach or approach the material differently. I think this also helps with management because students get out-of-hand when they are frustrated or give up. I don't give up on them and I tell them I expect them to never give up on themselves either. That common understanding that there is no "end" to any lesson has changed my classroom dramatically.

5. Tell Kids the Positive Things. I know. This can be hard. Especially, when "that kid" tests your patience again and again. I work every day to notice good things though. "Hey, I really appreciated you sitting down before the bell rang today" can change a bad day to a good day. It really can. I also make more positive phone calls home than I did before. My kids are amazing. They should know it. Their parents should know it. Confident kids work to be better. Self-conscious kids act out in different ways.

6. Classroom Set-Up Matters. My first year, I set up my room with rows of desks because that is what I had my entire career as a student. That is how classrooms look, right? Why do these kids deserve any different? Now, I spend literally hours before a school year thinking about access to materials and ability to work in groups and how I am going to move around the classroom. I did a mock walk-through this year. I'm serious. I sat in every chair to make sure they could see important posters with class rules and all of the white boards. It was time well-spent because my classroom worked this year. I was able to actively monitor. My kids didn't need to move all over the room. Plus, the pops of color made my room more welcoming...which gives a feeling of safety (See #1).

7. Ask for Help. I am still SO bad at this, but I at least know it and am trying. My first year, I didn't know where the teacher's lounge in my school was for two whole weeks and didn't want to ask anyone. I'm serious. So silly. I figured out online grade books and printing and fire drills and material orders all by myself. I felt like if I asked, I would be judged. Who cares? It is such a waste of my time and mental energy to do things myself that others could do more efficiently. Sometimes a co-worker has extra materials that will make your life so much easier (Thank you Heidi and Karla!). Sometimes, that computer problem is a one-second fix with help and a one-hour job alone. Oftentimes, talking through a problem with another teacher or administrator will give you a new perspective you could have never seen on your own.

I am going to miss Park so much! But, I have learned some great lessons here that I know will help serve me in every teaching experience I have to come.

What Mom Gave Us

My mom often tells the story of how blue my eyes were when I was a baby. She says my Grandpa Jack made comments about me having my mom's eyes. But after many months, those blue eyes faded away, unable to combat the dominant genes. None of the three of us inherited my mother's beautiful eyes. Unfortunately, we didn't get her artistic abilities either. Although you may not be able to see my mother in these prominent ways in her three children, you can definitely see her in other ways. I can't look in the mirror at myself or look at my siblings without seeing her.

I see her in my sister's tenacity and the way they both never let go until they have made things right.

I watch my brother's grin mirror my mom's every time he greets a animal.

I feel her when I'm worrying about a friend or family member.

I see my mom's work ethic in all of us. We always do our very best, no matter who is watching.

I see my mom's heart in my sister. While most of us build up walls of protection, they fearlessly hand over their whole hearts to all those they care about.

She is there in the way Josh immerses himself entirely into a television series or movie.

I hear her in my voice when I sing along to the radio (especially if it happens to be Shania or Tim McGraw or the Dixie Chicks)

My mom is in each of us. Look us in the eyes. They may not be blue, but our mom is definitely there. Thank you for helping us become the people we are, Mom.

Fighting Frustration with Laughter

Everyone says laughter is the best medicine and I never knew how true that was until this week. Monday was a bad day. I have no idea why, but I was upset all day. I cried several times for no logical reason. I lashed out and got angry about trivial things. Most likely, I was overtired from a long (but good) weekend. I didn't get much sleep on Monday night so expected Tuesday to go just as badly, but it didn't. And that's because I laughed.

I laughed at a movie. I laughed during conversation with friends. I laughed with my students. And each moment of laughter erased the anxiety and the built-up frustration and the sadness. By the end of the day, I felt like I could breathe again.

Did you know???

-We laugh up to 30 times more when in the company of others. It really is a contagious act. The act of laughter actually makes us feel a bond with other people. The best way to make new friends is to laugh with them.

-Real laughter (different than fake sounds that sound like laughter) actually builds up your immune system helps your body fight off harmful diseases.

-Laughing helps wake you up. It's very similar to a boost of caffeine.

-In several surveys of appearance, people who laughed were almost always rated more attractive.

-What population laughs most? Girls under the age of 13.

(Facts found in Time Magazine and on helpguide.org)

Sharing Memories of Moriah

Today, for whatever reason, I was browsing through old Facebook messages. I came across a message from my friend Moriah. It was before a trip to Arizona for Thanksgiving. It said, "While you're there, hang out by some golf courses and find a hot golfer. Marry him, stay in the sun, and invite me to hang out by your pool." It made me laugh until I cried. I didn't meet a hot golfer, Moriah, but, 8 years later, I am moving there and I wish so much that I could invite you to lay out by my pool.

Moriah died 7 years ago this month. That's so hard to believe. She had so much life in her short 20 years and I still miss that light all the time. I think the hardest part about losing a best friend is that my relationship with Moriah was so isolated. With the losses of my grandfathers, I have always had other people around me that shared the same memories with them. We are able to tell stories together and bring them up all the time. With Moriah, that was never the case. The majority of the experiences I had with Moriah were just her and me. The two of us shopping together. The two of us studying together. The two of us having dinner. We were a duo and half of that duo was ripped away. I was never able to say "Remember when...?" because I'm left alone to carry all of those wonderful memories.

I think it's important to remember. Although the memories weren't shared at the time, I can share them now. I will always remember Moriah calling me. She didn't like texting. She felt more connected when she could talk aloud. She called me the day before she died and started the conversation with "Hey girl! I just wanted to hear your voice." I will always remember our "study sessions" that involved absolutely no studying, but a whole lot of gummy worms and gossip (usually about boys.) I will always remember how she insisted on eating at Selleck dining hall even though it was far for both us to walk because the had the BEST cheese pizza. I will remember whenever she was happy, she would ask me to go to the mall where she picked up and modeled every purse in Dillard's that neither of us could actually afford and we laughed and laughed. I will remember when she was sad and we'd leave all the lights off in her dorm room and just lay on the rug and talk and cry. I will remember that her favorite scary movie was Cry Wolf and we watched it at least 10 times. And how much she loved cats and holidays and swimming and, most of all, her family. Although I know it sounds silly, every time I hear Cardi B on the radio, I think of Moriah because she would haved LOVED Cardi B. With Moriah, I was always comfortable talking because we both talked a lot (even at the same time sometimes) and that was okay. I could always be myself.

I was lucky to have a friend like Moriah. Thanks for letting me share a little bit of her today.

Writing for an Audience

"What do you want me to write?" a boy asked me this morning. Anxiety played across his face. He wanted desperately to be "right." And I wouldn't give him the "right" answer. How terrible am I?

Want to know what he was writing? A journal.

I told this student, "Don't write the journal for me. Write it for yourself."

I say that a lot. Today, though, it dawned on me how silly that is. I write all the time...and I rarely write "for myself." That is not to say that I don't enjoy the act of writing or that I see everything I write as an assignment. I just find writing meaningful if I have an audience in mind.

When I began this blog, I was writing to Moriah. She always wanted me to write a blog, so each post kept her in mind and what she would enjoy or want to know about me. As time went on, I started writing to my students and I wanted them to know but couldn't tell them or to my family or to specific friends. I didn't write directly to them, but I would imagine these people reading my work and it changed how I wrote. Authors have a demographic in mind when they write books. It's a natural thing. Writing is meant for reading so the two acts intertwine.

So, after a few minutes at my desk, as I watched my student continue to struggle, I walked back over to him. I said, "This is about falling and standing back up, right? Why don't you write it as if you are telling your mom. Tell her something that would make her really proud. Or your younger brother, what advice would you give him?" He was quiet for several minutes, thinking, but was able to finish the whole journal... and it is a REALLY good story. I'm glad he found someone worth writing for.

27 Things I've Accomplished in 27 Years

Yesterday, I turned 27. It's very easy for me to dwell on things I haven't done in those years. It's easy to look to the future and think about what I want to do. I think there is great value, though, in taking a moment to appreciate what I have accomplished in my 27 years. When I am asked what my biggest accomplishment is, I really struggle. I don't believe my minor life stories are good enough. I may not have been the best at anything. I may not have done something heroic. But I have done something.

1. I have completed a Bachelor's and Master's degree, complete with an honors thesis and Master's thesis.

2. I have traveled to two different countries on my own.

3. I have helped over 100 students improve their reading comprehension scores enough so they didn't have to take reading support classes in high school.

4. I designed and led production of a high school yearbook and college yearbook.

5. I have shown up for people when they needed a ride or a loan or just an open ear.

6. I have worked very hard to make myself healthier by being conscious of my activity level every day for the past 3-4 years.

7. I have donated over 3 gallons or blood and became a bone marrow donor candidate.

8. I started a blog and stuck with it for over 6 years now.

9. I made it to state speech competition in high school and and once got an Outstanding Actor award.

10. I took the initiative to learn about areas of need for my students and developed many lesson plans on my own to meet those needs.

11. I became the head of the reading department in my 3rd year of teaching.

12. I've conquered my fear of heights.

13. I've worked 8 different jobs including being a custodian, lifeguard, waitress, tour guide, speech judge, teacher, cashier, and most recently a delivery driver.

14. I worked to create spreadsheet and system to automatically track progress and place over 800 students at my school into classes.

15. I hiked over 25 miles of trails last summer and saw some amazing places.

16. I have learned what looks good on my in terms of clothing and makeup.

17. I have given speeches at one wedding and two funerals for people I loved.

18. Along with many failed recipes, I have learned to make a lot of really yummy things too.

19. I have volunteered at several events to make my community a better place.

20. I changed a tire by myself.

21. I came to basketball games to support students when their families couldn't.

22. I have tried zip-lining and indoor skydiving.

23. I have made some absolutely amazing friends.

24. I have walked away from people that didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated.

25. I have become a much more organized person.

26. I have read over 600 books in my life.

27. I have, and continue to work to, become a better person each and every day.

What Makes Me Happy?

As I dive into the final quarter of the school year, I want to intentionally make choices every day that help me experience joy. When I'm happy, I'm a better teacher, friend, daughter, sister, etc. So this is my list.

What makes me happy?

• The sun on my face
• Singing and/or dancing to a great song
• Trying out a new recipe
• A bag of buttered popcorn in a dark movie theater
• Doing my hair and makeup in the morning without rushing
• Deleting emails piling up in my inbox
• Taking off my shoes and coat when I get home and plopping down on the couch
• Standing in a hot shower
• That first sip of a cold Mountain Dew
• My cat purring on my lap
• Walking while talking to someone
• Wearing something I feel confident in
• Sleeping in fresh, clean sheets
• Making someone laugh
• The sound of rain against a window
• Smelling everything at Bath & Body Works
• Reading a good book
• The feeling when I finish grading a pile of homework
• Walking barefoot outside
• Starting something new on Netflix
• Stretching my muscles before bed
• Receiving anything in the mail that isn't a bill
• Buying something on sale
• Painting (I just do paint-by-number)
• The feeling of a warm towel 
• Watching a student "get it" for the first time
• Being able to roll my windows down as I drive
• Checking something off a list
• Writing with a really good pen
• Hugs. Nothing makes me feel happier than a hug. 😁

Making Room in Your Basket

Do you remember Easter egg hunts as a kid? When you rushed around the park or the back yard snatching up brightly-colored eggs? When it didn't matter what was inside the plastic shell as long as you filled up your basket? Or those moments of terrified panic when you no longer see any eggs anywhere but your basket only has two eggs in it? I loved those adrenaline-packed hunts. I really did. Lately, though, I feel as if I've been living my entire life like a full-time egg hunt. And it's exhausting.

I was a terrible Easter egg hunter for two reasons: 1. I always panicked. When your brain is under stress you don't make good decisions. I was never looking around and problem solving. I was staring at just one area, usually the ground and I was freaking out and then not finding anything. I would even settle for the broken eggs that had been stepped on by other hunters. 2. I was too worried about everyone else. I would be comparing my basket to those kids near me which led to more of problem #1. I would hear others shouting, "Look up!" or "Over there!" and I was trying to listen to everyone instead of taking a breath and thinking about my own game plan.

To counteract this rushed, stressed egg-hunt mentality in my life, I've been working instead to empty my basket out. It started out small. I organized my classroom, ridding myself of the clutter of books or materials I had kept "just in case." KonMari's decluttering method suggests we ask "Does this bring me joy?" about all items we are holding onto in our lives. I'm not sure that all the remaining items in my classroom bring me great joy, but I can guarantee the organization now present in that room does. In fact, it brought me so much happiness that I continued the process in my home. I started throwing things in the trash. I starting selling items online. I gave things away. The empty spaces those joyless things once occupied made me feel lighter. I wasn't aware how much they had weighed me down until I untangled myself from them.

Then I moved away from material things. What is weighing me down mentally? The conclusion I came to was that the heaviest egg in my basket was my job. While teaching at my school has brought me so much joy in the past few years, it is like an egg that no longer contains my favorite candy. My tastes have changed and I no longer get excited to open it up each day. So, I resigned.

I believe the best teachers are happy teachers. The best teachers are passionate teachers. I need a new environment to become the best teacher I can be. Is it terrifying to have no job right now? Absolutely. Is it also the most freeing feeling in the world? I have never felt lighter. 

One of the most memorable Easter egg hunts of my childhood happened inside the house. It wasn't the bright-colored plastic eggs, but real eggs that we had dyed the day before. My siblings and I were each responsible for finding the eggs we had personally dyed. I couldn't find my last egg anywhere. As my siblings collected their last eggs, I was left searching alone. Instead of panicking, though, I changed my mindset and made it into a challenge. I was determined. I climbed on chairs and crawled on the floor. I ended up recruiting my little sister to help me. Although I'm sure my perception of time at that age is exaggerated, I believe it took me over 30 minutes to find. I remember my dad making jokes about the egg going rotten. But when I did find it, it felt amazing.

Right now, I can't see the perfect egg in front of me. I don't know where I'm going. But my basket is ready for something new and I'm determined to find it. I know it will be amazing.

Oscar Predictions for Tonight!

I have been stalling on this post all day. The honest truth is, I don't have a clear favorite in absolutely any category for the Oscars tonight. I saw a lot of good movies. I didn't see any that blew me away. There are always years like that. But I wanted to throw my predictions out anyway. Here they are for every category:

Adapted Screenplay:
Who Will Win--BlacKkKlansman (it's a compelling true story that relates to current events)
My Favorite--The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (This is a screwball movie on Netflix, but it perfectly captured the feeling I have when I read short stories. I liked the format.)

Original Screenplay:
Who Will Win--Green Book (his son wrote this about his father--that's a special thing)
My Favorite--Green Book

Visual Effects:
Who Will Win--First Man (this is the most critically acclaimed of the nominees)
My Favorite--Avengers: Infinity War

Sound Editing:
Who Will Win--Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--The Quiet Place (so unique!)

Sound Mixing:
Who Will Win-- Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--A Star is Born

Production Design:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favorite--Roma (He recreated his childhood home with props from his family. It was so believably 1970s Mexico.)

Original Song:
Who Will Win--Shallow from A Star is Born
My Favorite--All the Stars from Black Panther

Original Score:
Who Will Win--Mary Poppins Returns
My Favorite--Black Panther (I just thought the music made the movie special.)

Makeup and Hairstyling:
Who Will Win--Vice
My Favorite--Vice

Foreign Language Film:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favorite--Roma (It is on Netflix. Beautifully made. Very possibly will win Best Picture, but is guaranteed this category.)

Film Editing:
Who Will Win--Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--Green Book (Honestly, I don't really understand this category haha).

Live Action Short:
Who Will Win--Skin (It is the only American-made movie and hits on current ideas about race.)
My Favorite--Fauve (This was the only nominee I cried at this year.)

Animated Short:
Who Will Win--Bao (More people saw it since it was aired before Incredibles 2 and it was quality)
My Favorite--Weekends (Something about this stood out to me. It felt honest.)

Documentary Short:
Who Will Win--Period. End of Sentence. (This is the only one I've heard buzz about. I actually missed watching any of the documentaries, long or short, this year.)

Documentary Feature:
Who Will Win--Free Solo

Directing:
Who Will Win--Alfonso Cuaron for Roma
My Favorite--Alfonso Cuaron

Costume Design:
Who Will Win-- The Favourite (Sandy Powell is the BEST costume designer in the industry. Period. She is nominated for both this and Mary Poppins Returns (she did both projects at the same exact time--incredible!) but is more likely to win for The Favourite.
My Favorite--The Favourite (The costumes were the best part of that movie in my opinion.)

Cinematography:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favourite--Roma

Animated Feature:
Who Will Win--Spider Man: Into the Spider-Verse
My Favorite-Spider-Man (unique animation and a good story)

Supporting Actress:
Who Will Win--Regina King for If Beale Street Could Talk
My Favorite--Emma Stone for The Favourite (I couldn't find Beale Street in theaters so unfortunately haven't seen that yet, so Regina will probably be my favorite based on the reviews I've heard, but Emma was my favorite performance of the others.)

Leading Actress:
Who Will Win--Glenn Close for The Wife (based on age and number of previous nominations)
My Favorite--Olivia Coleman for The Favourite (based on her comedic timing and priceless expressions)

Supporting Actor:
Who Will Win--Mahershala Ali for Green Book (although he won last year...the Academy loves him, for good reason)
My Favorite--Mahershala Ali (that man can act!)

Leading Actor:
Who Will Win--Rami Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody (He has won all awards so far and did really capture Freddie Mercury, no small accomplishment)
My Favorite--Bradley Cooper for A Star is Born (He impressed the hell out of me and even Rami couldn't outdo him in my opinion. Plus, I think Cooper was screwed out of the Oscar for Silver Linings Playbook in 2013).

And...drumroll please....

Best Picture:
Who Will Win--Green Book (It is between this and Roma, but I'm going to lock it in with Green Book)
My Favorite--Black Panther (It won't win based on genre, but it is the one I enjoyed the most of all of them. I will only be disappointed if Vice or BlacKkKlansman wins. Those were my least favorites...so they probably will win. That's usually how it works haha.)

The Trouble with Advice

There have been times in all of our lives when we need help. We need to pick the brain of someone more experienced or see a situation from an outside perspective. When we are lost or confused, we often react by reaching out and asking those we trust for help. That's a wonderful thing. Here's the trouble...

Just as often as we need help, we also need those we love to "not help." How many times have you had an extremely frustrating day and called your mom, best friend, boyfriend, brother, wife, daughter etc.? And in those moments, when you feel shitty or tired or angry or sad, do you really want the person on the other end of the phone to start spewing advice, to give a lecture, or to be completely logical? I know I sure don't. I want that person to listen, not talk. I want that person to assure me that everything is going to be alright. I want them to tell me I'm justified in feeling the way I am feeling. More often than I'd like to admit, I simply want them to say, "I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I love you."

This doesn't mean that those giving advice are in the wrong. Obviously, when our friends or family are in distress, our natural instinct is to try to fix the problem for them. We want to jump in and do something or, at the very least, arm them with something so they can tackle the problem in the future. In that venture, though, we often unintentionally highlight their insecurities.

Let me give you an example of a situation that I have found myself in several times. A friend is complaining about her boyfriend to me. This boy has said something that really hurt my friend. This instantly makes me protective and angry. So I tell my friend, "You can't let him treat you like that. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel." In my head, this is a caring comment that shows I'm on her side. Right? But, now, not only is she upset about the treatment from her boyfriend; she's also insecure about her own actions. She might be thinking, "Am I letting people walk all over me?" or "Does Roxie think I'm weak?" This may cause her to shut down and not tell me the next time something happens because she doesn't want me to judge her. This may cause her to get defensive with me to defend herself. Either way, this well-meaning advice has compounded her problem.

 Instead, I should have listened and asked questions to show I was engaged in her feelings. I should have reflected those feelings back with responses like "I'm so sorry he made you feel that way" or "I can understand why you would be angry."

A friend recently told me, "No one should ever tell you how you 'should feel' about something. Everyone has the right to feel in their own way." That seems like solid, obvious advice, but after he said it, I remember thinking of all the times I have been told "You should be happy that..." or "It's not the end of the world." People, while trying to calm me down or make me feel better, were dismissing my anxiety as something trivial, when I was seeking validation for emotions that were very upsetting to me.

All of this is not to say we should never give advice. Recently, though, I have made a goal for myself to listen to cues to understand if the people in my life are seeking advice or support. Phrases like "What do you think?" or "Do you think I should..." or "I'm not sure what to do" are all big, flashing signs that you definitely should offer some suggestions. In those moments, just saying "I believe in you" are not remotely helpful.  But, if someone is venting or just telling me how they feel about a situation, I try not to interject.

Your emotions are legitimate. I'm listening. 

Growing Up in Small Town Nebraska...

I saw a post on Facebook recently about what it means to grow up in the "Midwest." I hate the term Midwest because it seems that everyone thinks they are part of it and it includes too many people to have a distinctive culture. While the article talked about saying "ope" and making casseroles, that is not the "Midwest" I grew up in. There were, however, many distinctive things about how I grew up that did relate to the article and I have made up some of my own.

Growing up in small town Nebraska....

-I spent Saturday afternoons singing along to the "Save Big Money at Menards" jingle while trying our every chair or swing in the patio furniture section while my parents collected their latest home improvement supplies.

-I would pull out a pound of beef from the deep freeze when I came home from school to thaw it out because 9/10 of our "suppers" required hamburger.

-I was more likely to see a deer (or three) than another car on the way home from a friend's house in the evening.

-Driving over two hours to Lincoln or Omaha felt like a "vacation" even though we just ate at someplace like Olive Garden and shopped at a bigger mall.

-I gave all directions in terms of time or landmarks instead of miles or street names: "It's the second turn after the red barn" or "I'd say it's about an hour away".

-I knew what every school gym looked like within a 100 radius because I'd seen at least two basketball games in any given one. I'd even critique them. "Let's bring our own food because their concession stand sucks." or "I like the purple bleachers at that school" or even better, "I hope they have walking tacos like last time!"

-When my grandma called to get a "treat", I knew we were going to the one ice cream place in town, "visiting" with everyone that happened to be there for an hour,  and then delivering chocolate malts to the guys at the farm.

-I participated in some epic block-wide hide-and-seek or sardines games, in which we traipsed through every yard. We knew everyone on the block anyway (and I was related to quite a few of them!)

-I went trick-or-treating most years wearing layers or clothes under my costume.

-I still can't go through more than 2 days without having a conversation about the weather...and after it rains, I definitely want to go out and look at my rain gauge to see "what we got."

-I had to drive to a different town to do my driver's education test because we don't have stoplights or four lane roads.

The Sandcastle

A girl kneels in the sand. Her pupils are dilated in concentration. She breathes in and out heavily in time with the waves. The wind whips her dark hair around wildly. Her hands tremble as she smooths the side of sand castle in front of her. With this latest modification, she shifts her weight back and her toes squish into the wet sand. Her head tilts slightly to the side and she begins to chew on her bottom lip. Whether her lips are red due to the nervous chewing or hours in the sun or a recent indulgence in a cherry popsicle is unclear. What is clear is how much this matters to her. She is the creator. She is in control. This is her world.

This world of hers is fragile, though. Her castle has been kicked down by giggling children. It has been ridiculed and judged by beach-goers and altered greatly by friends "just trying to help." Even the girl herself has destroyed her creation again and again in bursts of frustration or despair. She thinks, now, she is getting closer to success. She has found an isolated cove. Her castle is uniquely hers. She has worked so hard with no help. Hard work pays off, right? But, in her desperate focus, she hasn't noticed the waves creeping closer and closer. With a sudden roar, the water collides with the castle and steals a large chunk of it away without even a simple apology. The girl scrambles over to the washed-away corner, throwing her small body between her castle and the great, big ocean. Another wave attacks her body, its roar sounding like a mocking laugh. Her raw lips sting with the combined salt of the water and her tears.

"I told you that you should have built it up here," her father's voice calls out from up the beach. "Making things difficult for yourself. You should have let your mom help." The girl glances up to meet her mother's eyes. The sadness that rests in those blue eyes rocks her like another wave. The girl wonders if she is more disappointed in her daughter's failure or in the distance between them. Looking away, the girl pushes the wet hair out of her face and sets back to work, piling the sand back up.

"Did that big wave just get your castle?" A voice says behind her.

The girl jumps, startled by the intrusion. She turns to see a boy in orange swim trunks. He is holding a metal pail and studying the pile of sand in front of her with interest.

"I don't need your help," she states, resolutely.

"Okay," he replies. He continues to stare. "What are you building?"

The girl stands up and turns toward him. She is ready to get defensive, to protect what is hers, but words won't come to her lips. She feels the stiffness in her legs and the rawness of her lips. Her vision is hazy. She looks back at her castle and suddenly can't remember why she started it. The grip of determination releases her and she feels unsteady.

"I don't know what I'm building." The sun catches her brown eyes. The boy can see panic in them.

"I think that's the hardest part," he says, "deciding what to build."

The girl swallows, trying to hold back more tears, "What are you building then?"

"Me? Nothing yet. I'm just collecting things."

He holds out the pail to the girl and she sees that is seems to be filled with an assortment of rocks and shells and sticks.

"I'm going to build something really, really amazing someday. It's going to be huge!" the boy talks quickly with excitement, "but I've got to collect all the parts first. It's even gonna have clock tower."

The boy digs through the metal pail and pulls an old, broken watch from the bottom to show the girl. He continues talking, "I'm going to make a sidewalk and a moat and 5 towers. And I'm watching for all the good places with the best sand too."

The joy in the boy's description makes the girl forget her tears. She grabs her own plastic pail and shovel from near the remains of her castle. She starts walking in the direction of her parents and the boy follows. "Maybe I'll start collecting too," she says, "My mom is really good at finding the best seashells. First, tell me...why 5 towers? Why not 10?"

Are You a Flower or a Weed?

I have found that in so many professional development classes or meetings since I became a teacher, we have compared teaching to gardening. We talk about putting our students in the right environment so they have the sunshine and soil they need and how we must water them in order to make them grow. The problem with this metaphor is I am not a gardener. I couldn't tell you the difference between a daisy and a daffodil. I have killed every house plant I owned. Given a garden to tend, I'd most likely either drown all the plants or let them all shrivel up and die. I suppose the comparison does work, then, since in both gardening and teaching, I spend most of my time winging it, but it was never my favorite way to think about teaching.

Recently, though, I was reading a book called The Trouble with Goats and Sheep by Joanna Cannon. In one scene of the story, the two young girls are helping a neighbor by pulling weeds in his garden. At one point, one girl comes across something in the garden and she isn't sure if it's a weed or something meant to be in the garden. When she asks the gardener what it is, he says, "It depends very much on whose point of view it is. What's a weed to one person might be a beautiful flower to another. It depends very much on where they're growing and whose eyes it is you're seeing them through."

I have often felt like a weed in my life. People have made me feel unwanted or annoying. I have often been overlooked. On the flip side, friends, family members, and teachers have also made me feel special and beautiful and worth having around, like a flower. It wasn't because I changed and became something else. A flower is a matter of perspective. As a child, I used to love blowing the seeds of dandelions across the yard. I had no idea that spread something that others didn't like. They had this magical quality to me. Did you know "weeds" are often hardier than traditional flowers and end up providing food that helps bees survive when the weather gets bad?

I may not be a gardener. I may not teach lessons at school that provide the right amount of water for growth. I honestly usually have no idea what each flower in my classroom needs. What I do hope is that I provide the right place for them to all be flowers. No matter how much they disrupt a class or fight me or refuse to work, I hope that a student never feels like they don't belong or that I want to pull them out.

Poet Ian Emberson once said that "A weed is a flower in the wrong place." This isn't just a lesson for teachers or kids. This is something I believe affects every single person in the world. If you are feeling like a weed, you may be in the wrong place. Find gardeners (friends, coworkers, significant others) that see your unique beauty. Find an environment where you feel wanted. There are a lot of gardens out there. If you haven't found yours yet, keep searching.

Resolutions for a Happier 2019

Each year, I try to make resolutions for myself. That is what new years are for, right? The problem is mine have become so predictable. I always want to be healthier and have some new calorie counting plan or exercise routine that I won't follow through with. I always want to be more social and tell myself I can alter my personality to meet more people and then am disappointed when I can't. I usually want to be more organized, whether by cleaning more or planning financially or doing lesson plans ahead of time but life isn't organized and I end up riding the chaos.

So...this year, instead of creating the same healthy, social, organized plans I always do, I want to change gears. This year, I just want to work on being content with who I am rather than discouraged about who I am not.

Instead of worrying about the healthiest options...

• I will take more time to eat and enjoy the food in front of me.
• I will cook and bake more often because I LOVE doing that. 
• I will do lots of activities I love like hiking and swimming.
• I will worry more about how I physically feel than the number on any app.

Instead of beating myself up for not being outgoing enough...

• I will respond more naturally, telling people how I feel (good or bad) rather than what I think they want to hear.
• I will laugh without holding back (even if my laugh is too loud). 
• I will join any activity that sounds enjoyable, but not hate myself for saying "no" when it doesn't.

Instead of being so hard on myself for lacking organization....

• I will do my best work until the end of the school day and say "That is good enough", instead of staying hours after the final bell to be better.
• I will take a deep breath every time I lose something or forget something or pay too much for something and say, "This doesn't make me a bad person. What is my next step?" instead of getting down on myself.
• I will clean and organize small spaces whenever I can to feel better, but also not prioritize fixing messes over sleep.