Taking Up Space

A few days ago, I was lying on the couch, my body stretched up so I took up the entire length of it. I was so relaxed. Then, my sister walked into the living room and I immediately sat up. "Sorry," I said; an automatic reaction. She wrinkled her forehead and asked, "Sorry for what? Existing?" I replied, "No, taking up space."

Obviously I meant I was sorry for taking up the entire couch. Practically, I was just trying to be polite, but as I said it, I thought, "Damn, she's right. Taking up space IS existing. I just apologized for existing."

I continued to think for the rest of the evening about how I often I do just that. I mean, how often do you say, "I'm sorry to bother you"? I say it A LOT. Even when I'm just talking about important work-related things to a coworker, which shouldn't "bother" them at all. I am always concerned about encroaching on other people's time and space. I actually feel stressed when I'm standing in the way of someone else at the grocery store, even though I have just as much of a right to stop and think about what I'm buying as they do. I know I'm not the only one who apologizes for a messy house. Everyone does that. I barely walk into someone else's house without hearing it. Unless it's so bad that a guest can't sit down, I promise our clutter isn't hurting other people in any way. My sister can find another spot to sit. People can wait for me to make a decision. If my friends and family are annoyed by answering a text, they probably aren't good people to have in my life.

By taking up less space; by talking quieter or reaching out less, I really am trying to "exist" less in a way. I need to think of myself less as a burden and more as an asset to my environment. It is such a hard thing to me. I apologize too much. You could argue that this is a result of a mid-western upbringing. You could say it is the conditioning of women in our society. Both are probably true. But the heart of it is this. I have to believe I am worth enough to take up your time and space. I am important enough to be seen and to be heard.