Things I Gained in 2020

 Most years, and especially this year, we take this time on January 1st to think about the future. We create goals and make plans. We think about what we want to change about ourselves and the world. I, like everyone, have many hopes for the year 2021 and plan to continue working to become a better me. 2020 has been a year in which I have gained weight, stress, and impatience. There have been many, many times in this anxiety-filled year in which I reacted poorly to the situations around me. However, in thinking toward the future, I don't want to discount my present. No matter how many times I have lost my temper or cried, I am not a bad person that needs to change everything about my life. Also, not every single moment of this year has been a disaster. I've gained some wonderful things too. So here are some positive things I gained in 2020:

1. Connections with Friends: This year had the potential to be one of the loneliest years of my life in the midst of a pandemic that made travel difficult. However, early on in the stay-at-home era, I downloaded an app called Marco Polo and connected with my friends from across the country. Before this year, my contact with friends was limited to pictures on social media or text messages whenever we had a moment in our busy schedules. Now, almost every day I talk to my friends. I listen to them talk about their lives, both struggles and celebrations, and am able to vent my own frustrations or happy moments with them without waiting for someone to be available to hang out. 

2. A Really Exciting New Job: In May, I decided to change my career path in a major way and leave my middle school classroom. Working at the district level this year, I have been able to teach students ages 5 to 12 who speak a variety of languages. I have danced along to alphabet songs and had really great discussions with a group of thoughtful 5th graders. I have learned so much from an incredible team of coworkers and have actually enjoyed every moment of virtual teaching. Like every year, I know I am a better teacher than I was last year and so look forward to working with students for a lifetime.

3. A Lot of Knowledge: I read 60 books this year and made my goal! I read science fiction and fantasy, thriller and even nonfiction. I read books by authors from 5 different countries. I learned about the Vietnam War, injustice in the justice system, and the future of agriculture. Some books made me fall in love. Others made me cry. Each book, regardless of genre or topic, made me think differently about the world around me. I also studied Spanish almost every day. I learned more about technology due to the emergence of virtual learning and actually taught my first professional development courses to other teachers. I tried new recipes and new logic puzzles and even played around with a new skincare and makeup routine. 2020 did not halt my progress in terms of learning at all.

4. An Appreciation for the Little Things: When it's safe again, I will never take a hug or a high-five for granted. Man, do I miss them. I miss smiles at the store and big open-mouthed laughter with others. I also appreciate the grocery store stockers and pharmacy workers, when I never gave them a second thought before. I hope I will go into the coming years remembering to appreciate all the little pieces of the world that make it this amazing planet I live in and not take anything for granted again. 

I hope all of you have also gained some wonderful things in 2020, despite all we have lost or been without. Happy New Year!

Yeah, I'm Picky.

     "You are the pickiest child," my mom said to me as I walked out of a yet another store without buying anything. I'm 28 years old and she's been saying this to me as long as I can remember. She's not alone. Friends from elementary school to now have bemoaned my pickiness. It's definitely not a trait that has attracted a lot of people into my life. However, it's also not something that I am in denial about or that I struggle to change. I know I'm picky. I fully accept that piece of myself. While I prefer the term "selective", I'm perfectly content being whichever synonym you want to use. I know what I want and I don't settle for less. 

    I knew I was picky from an early age. Food was the most obvious first indicator. It wasn't that I was selfish and wanted meals catered to me. I just knew what I didn't like and no matter how many times I was asked to "try it again", I knew it wouldn't change. I learned how to adapt. I scraped potatoes from the skin and picked out tomato chunks. If there might be onions in that casserole, I just won't use my teeth and then there's no chance for a crunch to ruin my entire meal. When it comes to salad, however, I have no tricks. I just politely decline. 

    Later, it was clothes. While my classmates all wore t-shirts and gym shorts each day, I knew what I wanted to wear and that wasn't it. I wore dresses and layered shirts and coordinated accessories. I didn't let the taunts or the whispers about my clothing change what I liked. I'm also picky about shows and movies. I remember going with my family to the theater and choosing to go to a different movie than they went to several times. I didn't need them sitting beside me to enjoy the movies I chose. I don't watch the shows that "everyone is watching" or those that win the most awards either. I just watch what I like. 

    I know some of you read this and think are labeling me as difficult or selfish or high-maintenance. I can understand that. Honestly, though, one my favorite things about myself has always been my steadfast sense of self. I don't rely on anyone to make decisions for me. I follow my heart and it has served me well. I have beliefs that aren't based on what my family or community or any news station tells me, but my own personal convictions. I'm not afraid to be different or "weird". At work, I'm not afraid to take what I learn and make it my own. Because I'm "picky", I have a very strong sense of who I am. Most days, I really like that person. 

    The most common time I am labeled as picky in recent years has been in terms of searching for a boyfriend. I have reflected upon this a lot. Am I judging people too harshly? Are my standards too high? While I might believe that in moments of weakness, I know that I am a loving, considerate, accepting person. That doesn't mean I have to let everyone in. If someone, whether it's a guy, a friend (new or old), or a family member, makes me feel insecure or bad about myself, I don't want that in my life. If someone talks at me and doesn't create space to listen, I don't want it. If someone is rude to a server (or anyone for that matter), I don't want to be part of that. I can compromise and adapt, but some things are like salads, and I just have to say, "No, thank you."

    I know myself well enough to know that when I do open myself up and let someone into my life, I will devote a big chunk of myself to that person. Currently, I spend nights worrying about friends. I send gifts "just because." I constantly think about how to make those I love feel less stressed or unhappy. I will spend hours listening to someone talk. That's the person I am. So if a guy isn't willing to think about what I want or need before their own desires, any relationship I might pursue would be one-sided and draining. Someone I worked with yesterday (yes I work on Saturdays) said, "I think women are always worried about being good enough for a man. They worry about their appearance and hold back their personalities to be accommodating. It took me a long time to start asking myself, 'Is he good enough for me?'" 

     So far, I haven't met a man that cared for me enough to put in the effort I deserve. I'm okay with the judgement and the lectures from my friends and family. They come from a good place from people that care. But I know my worth. So, yeah, I'm picky.

Walking Blindly Forward

Every time I go on a hike, I have a destination in mind. I follow a trail that I planned for and I work my way up to a peak. Sometimes the path is fun and beautiful. Sometimes I have to work really, really hard and I want to stop. Sometimes I end up altering my route. My life is like this path, full of variety, but also always having a direction in mind. Then, this year I looked ahead and the path was washed out. It suddenly got very dark and I had no idea where I was going. 

I think most of us are feeling that blind, directionless feeling. Over the past 8 months we've been waiting. Waiting for schools to reopen. Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting for election results. And being stopped in our tracks without a clear time table or answers, I admit at times I've been angry. I've been scared. And frustrated. And really, really sad. It's a difficult hike right now. 

We might not see the path, but I believe there's still one there. We'll never get back on the exact same hike again. It's washed out and I accept that. I believe however, that there is a lot of beauty still around us. I also believe the sun will come up again and we will find our footing as individuals and as a community again. Hope and faith are extremely important resources to hold onto. 

Another important factor on this difficult hike is to look for support around you. I think that the only way to get better/stronger/wiser is to surround yourself with people that believe in you. So, look around at your fellow hikers. Are they going to pull you up and cheer you on or just complain and make the hike more difficult? You can always take a different path from them, even if they are family. By holding onto the believers and the cheerleaders, your community with grow stronger together. Thank you to all my fellow hikers. I am thankful for your support every day. You know who you are. And don't be afraid to reach out your hand when you need help up the mountain. 

The Big, Bad Monster In My Life

When I was a kid, I watched countless shows and movies filled with villains being defeated by the protagonist. Strangely enough, those circumstances have never presented themselves in my real, adult life. There's no evil villains in gigantic space ships trying to take over the world. I haven't encountered any evil witches. No giant, green monsters. Obviously, there is a lot of terrible things happening in the world. However, I have found the the monster I have to battle in every "episode" of my life is actually one I create.

Just like as a kid, I actually reviewed this life lesson through the plot of a cartoon. I'm a regular viewer of the show Bob's Burgers. On Sunday evenings, it begins my week with a laugh. However, the season premiere this year seemed like less of a window and more of a mirror. In the episode, the title character starts with a pretty ordinary problem. He can't find the key to his safe. His daughter needs her birth certificate inside of it. But on his quest to find the key, he lets this problem snowball. He starts beating himself up about being so unorganized. He calls himself a bad father. As he sifts through junk, he starts believing this mess means he is lazy and unmotivated and worthless. He begins to dwell on a lot of questions starting with "Why didn't I...?" 

So lost in the failings of his past, Bob can't move forward in his mission. He loses faith and energy and falls asleep. In his dream, he has become very small. The trash becomes a literal monster, towering over him. As he fights the monster, a friend keeps trying to convince him that he isn't worthless, but with every compliment, Bob shoots it down. "I'm not really that good of a cook." "I am not that creative." It isn't until he changes his mindset and starts acknowledging his accomplishments and his talents that he is able to defeat the monster. With each positive affirmation, he grew. 

Man, did that resonate with me. I have had many times in my life when I've created monsters of negativity. I make one mistake, like forgetting my ID, and start piling on every mistake I've ever made. I use any mishap as validation of my inadequacy. Like Bob, I need to change the response. I need to move forward and not look back at things that can't be changed. I need to feed myself and not that monster. By taking time in every situation to purposefully exude positivity and encouragement, I can become the superhero of my childhood fantasies. If I can defeat my own monster, I can defeat anything. 

What Virtual Teaching Looks and Sounds Like

Today, I started my day with a group of 5th graders. Through my computer screen, I was introduced to three dogs, two cats, and a bunny. Two students ate breakfast in between responses about prefixes. One showed off his pretty amazing drawing skills to illustrate a character in the story I had read. Another introduced me to her three siblings, all "doing school" at the same dining room table. A few shy students didn't turn on their cameras, but when I asked them about a favorite place to visit, they turned their mics on and told me stories about their summer trip the Grand Canyon or their cousins in Mexico. 

All of that was before 9:00. 

Virtual teaching is a new and somewhat scary experience for everyone. I understand the stress many teachers are feeling. This type of instruction can provide a multitude of frustrations, such as lagging video and wandering students. But I also find it refreshing. I get to witness students in their homes. I watch their family dynamics and see their comfort as they sit in their bed or walk to the sink for a drink of water. I hear them turning to their parents or siblings to speak in Spanish or Arabic or French. I see the posters on their walls.

Because of online teaching, I have also been able to bring together students from different schools in my online sessions. They may have never met each other otherwise, but now light up when they see their "new friends" log into the Google Meet. I teach students ranging from Kindergarten to 6th grade this year, so some of my day involves watching 5-year-olds wiggle and dance and draw "fishies" I spend another portion of my day witnessing pre-teens yelling at their younger siblings that they are attempting to babysit during their school day. In the classroom, it's hard to fully imagine the people my students are outside the classroom.

So, while I look forward to walking into classroom communities and watching students work together and play very soon, I want to take this time and appreciate my students how they are and where they are right now. Some are in comfort. Some are in chaos. For an hour a day, they are in my class, even if that class is just my face on a screen. I am so glad I get to be a part of their day.

Some favorite quotes:

Me: I know that was your sister is answering the questions for you.

Her: How did you know?

Me: Well, first of all, most students don't turn off their camera every time they are called on. 

Coworker (overheard): Aren't those supposed to be in a cage?? (It was pet birds.)

Me: You couldn't get out of bed for class?

Him: That would involve putting on clothes.

Student (looking around for proper nouns in his house): I found a Woolpooh!

Me: A what?

Student: (runs to his refrigerator and shows me "Whirlpool" brand)

Me: Oh. That says Whirlpool. Good job.

Him: My Woolpooh makes ice! (proceeds to hit the ice machine with his hand and I watch ice fall all over the floor).

Me: Anna, what did you draw as your favorite food?

Her: Well, I did rainbow spaghetti, but my mom says that isn't a food. So, I drew a pancake. That is your favorite food and I want to be your friend. 

I'm Not Guilty of Any Crime

Today at work, I was working at a table working alone and I looked up and saw someone across the room. I hurriedly pulled up my mask, which was dangling around my chin. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I spent the next hour of work feeling guilty. This is not a unique story. Just this week, I have admonished myself in the following ways:

The kitchen is a mess. Why can't I just get it together?

I forgot to ask about her sick mother. I am so selfish.

I lost my phone again. What is wrong with me?

I ate way too much. This is why I look so awful.

I was the last one to walk into the meeting. I look so unprofessional.

The truth is that today I was at least 10 feet away from that coworker when I took off my mask. I was late for no meetings. I hurt no one. I had not broken a single rule. No one reprimanded me. When it comes to myself, I play the role of prosecution, but never the defense. I'm guilty when I say the wrong thing or talk too much. I'm also guilty when I don't speak up or don't reach out. I don't have to provide proof. Even when I defend my actions to others, I've already convicted myself. Consequently, I don't sleep.

This is not to say I think I'm a bad person. I think I'm smart and hard-working. I'm caring and helpful. I just find it hard to forgive myself for any mistake. And I make a lot of them.

Like usual with these posts, I don't have any answers. One thing I do that I am proud of, though, is I always try to improve. So tonight, I looked into what I could do. The following are some tips I learned after reading several psychology magazine articles. I thought I'd share on here in case they empower anyone else with similar excessive guilt and I might just need to come back to this blog again...and again.

1. Pay attention to your accomplishments. I already practice gratitude and naming things I am thankful for each day, which helps me stay positive, but ending the day by naming something you accomplished incites a sense of "self-gratitude" rather than self-judgment.

2. Imagine if roles were reversed. A lot of my guilt stems from what I believe others think of me. If I take the same situation and imagine how I would feel if my coworker or friend or family member did the same thing, it is likely I would be much, much more understanding. I need to treat myself as I treat others.

3. Realize it's okay to take care of your own needs. This year, I've been doing workouts on an app called FitOn (it's free and I highly recommend it by the way). One of the reasons I like it so much is that almost every coach on the app reiterates this sentiment: You know yourself better than anyone else so do what's best for you. They tell me to stop if I need to. They say to modify workouts if I need to. They tell me I can fall down in yoga and I shouldn't feel ashamed. Some of the most guilt-driven moments in my life have centered around exercise. I was guilty when I let down my PE or recess team because I was bad at every sport. I was guilty when my parents would come to softball or volleyball games and I wouldn't get to play. I was guilty every time I broke something due to my awful coordination. I was guilty when I couldn't keep up in Zumba/Barre/HIIT classes. With FitOn, I finally feel like the exercise is "me time" and isn't affecting anyone else at all. I want to think more about how I can serve my own needs without worrying about the needs of others (and also without feeling selfish). This one might take a lifetime, but life is just a work in progress.

I Don't Just Love You When It's Easy

Whenever I take my cat, Bowser, to visit my parents, in a house with two bigger dogs, he acts erratically. Sometimes he's jumpy, every movement scaring him. Oftentimes, he retreats, hiding for hours. In the middle of petting him, he will suddenly hiss or swat me. I feel like I'm constantly defending him. "I swear he's not always like this." And he isn't. As soon as we return home, he becomes he usual adventurous, "chatty" self. But in an unpredictable setting, he becomes unpredictable.

I write this, not to tell you a story about my cat, but because I think we are all in that house right now. We're in foreign territory. Instead of dogs, we have the looming threat of Covid-19 and social unrest and an upcoming election. Our routines have been disrupted and I think, for many of us, that changes our personalities because we are trying to cope.  I, like my cat, have "hissed" and been defensive around people that weren't trying to harm me. I have retreated at times and been angry at other times. I have seen many others on social media or on the news acting the same way. The world is chaotic. Our actions become chaotic.

Today, a family member of one of my students reached out to me. She wanted to thank me for helping her younger sister out "even when she was acting out." I wanted to tell her that I enjoyed having that student not "in spite" of her episodes of anger and sadness, but right through those moments. Of course I loved when she was working hard and cooperating, but I loved her just as much when she was yelling. When she stomped out of the room and I let her keep stomping until she was calmer. When she sat on the floor and cried and I sat next to her until she was ready to rejoin class. I knew that she was in that unfamiliar house. Middle school may not have big dogs, but it has bullies. It has first-loves. It has new friends and new teachers and new content. The threats are endless. Her environment was erratic. She acted erratically.

I hope my friends, my family, and my students don't ever feel too bad for lashing out or saying things they don't mean. I don't love them only when it is "easy" or only when we agree. That's not what caring for someone means. And, if I can believe that, I need to stop apologizing so much for my own missteps. Those that really care know my heart and won't throw me away when things aren't easy. We all act in ways we don't want to act sometimes. As much as we hope to be in control of our every word and action, we make mistakes. That's life. That's adjusting to a world that is always changing. And that is okay.

Your Experiences are Not My Experiences. Your Story Is Your Own.

Have you ever been telling a friend or family member about something in your life and part way through the description, the entire conversation is suddenly about them? You could be describing your trip to Disney World and that person interrupts and starts telling you exactly when they went to Disney World and what rides they went on and what places they hate and what they thought of it, etc. They weren't listening to your experiences at all, but instead using your provided topic to think about themselves.

We aren't listening.

When you hear a story of trauma, your reaction shouldn't be, "Well _____ happened to me and..." No. Stop. This isn't your story. This is theirs. Listen to how they feel. Because no matter what you've been through in your life, it isn't what they've been through. We have different amounts of privilege, different fears, different families, different abilities, different identity-building experiences, different coping mechanisms, etc. An overheard comment made in a grocery store could change your entire outlook on the world or perception of yourself, so even members of the same family or community are not going to think exactly alike.

When a child at school is in distress, a comment by a teacher of "when I was your age" is automatically discounting the current, very real feelings of that kid. In that moment, it doesn't matter what the adult did when they were in school. This is the student's experience. Let them tell their story. Then, ask how you can help. When one parent hears another parent expressing concerns about their child, explaining what they did with their own son or daughter often just makes the new parent feel bad or judged. They are raising completely different human being in a entirely different environment and culture. Listen closely to their story. Then, give advice if it is needed.

Whether is has to do with the pandemic, politics, or injustices in the world, people are doling out judgments, creating barriers of "us vs. them", and using topics of grave importance to bolster their own reputations or social media profiles. Freedom of speech is an important thing and everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but opinions about other people's experiences just don't matter. Own your own story, but listen to others' too. Spilling out your own story without filling yourself up with others isn't very nourishing. Every story counts.

Everything Worth Doing Takes Time

In May of last year, I was planning my new start in Arizona. Obviously, I would be starting a new job and adjusting to new surroundings, but I also felt like it was a good opportunity to start some new habits. I wanted to start taking care of my skin. I wanted to start a regular workout routine. I bought Rosetta Stone and committed myself to really learning Spanish. I sucked at the first goal. Never woke up early enough to do absolutely anything for my skin. I tried hard at the 2nd by joining a gym and trying lots of classes and workout apps. Fatigue and lack of results eventually made it difficult to be consistent. For the third, I stayed committed and never went more than 2 days without practicing Spanish and completed the entire program last week. This isn't a story of success, but it isn't one of failure either. I learned a lot about time this year.

Everything...and I mean everything, if done well, takes time. I'm good at my job because I spend so much time working to make myself better. I am assessing myself and trying new things outside of work hours because it is important to me. It isn't "just a job" that I put in the minimum amount to make a living. This kind of dedication applies to everything. If fitness is going to be taken seriously, you can't just put in 20 minutes at the gym a few times a week. You have to go back every day. You have to keep pushing yourself. 

If you watch celebrity accounts on Instagram, you quickly realize that that hair and skin you envy takes a lot of time. They go to dermatologists and salons every week. They do laser treatments and wear countless serums and masks. In a recent post by singer Kelsea Ballerini, she said that it takes her over an hour every single night to do her "nightly routine."

These things don't end either. I can't just eat healthy for 6 months and be done. A house cleaned meticulously for a month won't maintain that level of clean. Even with the one goal I maintained, learning Spanish, I may have finished the program, but I am no way done. I will still have to keep practicing more and more and more to become fluent. 

Here's the really important part of this post: We don't have time for everything. As much as our society tries to make us believe we can and should be organized, financially responsible, a good parent, healthy, clean, fit, beautiful, a good spouse, smart, etc., it's just unreasonable to think one person can have enough hours in the day to commit to each of these things. I'm not saying to give up. I'm just learning to prioritize. What really matters to me? What things will I be glad I spent my hours dedicated to 20 years from now? That's different for everyone, and honestly, outside of work, I am struggling to decide what that is for me. If you do something for an hour every day for 20 years, that means you will spend over 300 days of your life doing that. That's a substantial amount. So, what is worth your time? 

The Art of Staying Calm

A few years ago, a distressed student threw a laptop at me. I moved out of the way, walked over and picked it up, and checked to see if it was working without much reaction at all. After 5 years of teaching middle school, I have found that my gut reaction to absolutely any event is a poker face. It doesn't matter if there's a physical fight, a messy break-up, a temper tantrum, an incident involving blood or vomit, or a school wide lockdown. I immediately stop and think "it's not that big of a deal."

I started attempting the technique to avoid showing weakness in a classroom where I obviously didn't have control. I continued practicing it even after I had good classroom management because I felt that I was able to bring a sense of calm to the classroom, a very important thing for the turbulent lives of adolescents. This doesn't mean I didn't break down when I separated myself from the incident. During my first year of teaching, I cried in the car on the way home from work at least once a week.  I still remember asking another teacher to watch my classroom for a few minutes while I broke down in a bathroom. But the more I have practiced the "Stop. Don't react." approach over and over and over, the more it has served to minimize stress in so many aspects of my life.

I bring this up because I think friends and family think I'm either 1. Not taking important issues seriously or 2. not very sympathetic. I hope you all know that I care very much. My "nonchalant" attitude toward the coronavirus pandemic isn't because I don't care about people. It's because, like a crisis in my classroom, my best way to cope was to tell myself repeatedly that it isn't a big deal and exude calm at all times. And when my best friend or family member is crying and telling me about their current crisis, whether it's in a fight in a relationship, a career frustration, or they just ruined their favorite jeans, it makes me very upset. If I am not showing that in my expressions or voice, it is only because I have gone into crisis mode. I am telling myself it's a solvable problem and am thinking about the next step to fix/alleviate that problem.

This is not a blog to give advice. I just want everyone reading this to know that I care. I may not know the right thing to say. I probably don't have a solution. I might not show my sympathy very well. If you need me though, please reach out. I can be calm. I can listen.

I Was Thinking of You Today...

Teachers are always talking about that "lightbulb moment." I've heard about it so much that it seems cliché at this point. Teachers love when students "get it" for the first time. It validates us in our professions and shows growth in those kiddos we love so much. I like that moment too and have used it in the traditional "Why do you want to be a teacher?" interview question. It's not my favorite moment though. My favorite moment is a moment that has nothing to do with learning, but everything to do with life. I love the moments when students know they have been seen.

I have complimented my students in many ways as a teacher over the past five years. I tell them they are hard workers or I compliment their efforts on a test. I let them know about their improvement or give out smelly stickers that say "Great job!" My kids like all of those things. Who doesn't like positive attention? None of those reactions is quite as wonderful as the reaction to "I was thinking of you today/last night/yesterday/this morning..." along with something personal like a reference to a movie they like or sport they play. In those moments, it isn't just a quick "aha" or smile. Their entire body relaxes as if they lost their anxiety of the day and that classroom just became their home.

Middle school is a tough time. I remember how much I struggled with it. Not only are peer relationships tough, when you move from class to class, sometimes it's easy to avoid building any relationships at all with teachers too. All kids want to feel special, but they don't need to be creative or talented or smart or funny or pretty to be special. They are special without having to do anything. As Mr. Rogers used to say, "There's no person in the whole world like you. And I like you exactly as you are."

This isn't just true for middle school kids. Can you remember a time when a friend or family member messaged you out of the blue to bring up a shared memory or inside joke? It's an amazing feeling to know you were on someone else's mind even just for a minute. I know I think of other people randomly throughout my day as I hear a song on the radio or a certain shade of purple. I bet they would like to know they were special enough to trigger that moment in my day.

Right now, some people in the world have a heck of a lot more time on their hands. If you are one of those people, make those extra minutes count and reach out. Call someone. Text someone. Send them a hand-written letter. The world is a better place when we think of others.

Finding a Path to Love Yourself

Lately, I've had a hard time liking anything about myself. I look in the mirror in the morning and I immediately start picking apart my features; hating my skin, battling my hair, admonishing myself for not eating better or working out more. I go to bed at night, irritated with myself for not accomplishing anything. I lie there thinking about what I could do to be "better."

I understand that this social distancing is intensifying the problem. During the school year, I am able to create a lesson that makes me feel accomplished. I am able to feel good about myself as a teacher/hard worker/advocate for kids. I like myself in that role. I doubt my worth without it.

So I hike.

Friends and family members keep up with my hikes on social media and seem to think I'm good at it. I am not. I let everyone pass me. I have to stop and wheeze. I don't think I'm getting any better with practice. But each time I set foot on a new path, I have a mission in front of me. It's not a competition. I don't care about times or distances. I care about battling my self-doubt and making it to the top. When I make it to the top, I feel instantly good about myself.

Today, when I finished my hike, I looked in the rearview mirror of my car. I was covered in dirt and sweat. Neither my weight or my skin had improved in the slightest since my examination this morning. Regardless, I felt more beautiful. I felt strong. I liked myself. Even though I just walked a trail that thousands of others have walked before me, as I lie in bed tonight, I feel accomplished.

I hope all of you are able to find your own mountain to conquer during these disorienting times. I have seen some people that have planted some impressive gardens. Some of you have finished a book for the first time in years. Maybe your day was just spent cleaning your kitchen and that makes you feel great. It isn't the merits of the action that count. It could be as simple as putting one foot in front of the other like me.

Respecting Things We Don't Like

This week, I have been reading a book of short stories called Exhalation by Ted Chiang. It originally caught my eye when I saw it on Obama's 2019 reading list since he rarely chooses works of fiction. When I saw it again on The New York Times 10 Best Books of 2019, I had to buy it. The truth is I didn't really enjoy it. This wasn't a surprise. I dislike short stories generally. I am not typically a science-fiction reader. Here's the kicker though....I still whole-heatedly believe it is one of, if not the best book of 2019.

I've probably lost a lot of you at this point in the blog. You thought this is just a book review and you don't care. You've clicked away. But if I still have your attention, here is what I want to say. Things we like and things we respect do not have to be the same. As with this book, I can dislike something and still feel deep respect for it. I feel that we have fallen into a society of "us" versus "them." Anything that is different from us is automatically pushed away, disregarded, or actively attacked.

I fall into this cycle ALL THE TIME. For example, many members of my family like to watch UFC fighting. I very much dislike this sport. When they start talking about it, I have been known to: show a face of disgust, leave the conversation immediately, say "I am not a UFC person", or make a comment to bash the sport entirely. What do any of those actions accomplish?? They just make those people talking about the subject (one that excites them) feel upset, annoyed, guilty, or defensive.

People want to share things that bring them joy. People want to share what they are passionate about. I don't have to change my opinion, but I think listening to what people are sharing without using the types of actions I listed above is so, so, so important. I may not care at all about my friend's fitness routine, but if it matters to them, why not encourage them and show I respect the effort they are putting in? I have hated every fishing experience I have ever had and will almost definitely never go hunting, but if someone wants to tell me about a hunting or fishing trip, listening costs me nothing, brings the sharer joy, and might teach me something I didn't know before.

I read a book this week in a genre and a format I don't like. I have no regrets and have great respect for the art and intelligence put into that book. I also respect activists that stand up for what they believe even if I completely don't support their viewpoint. I respect artists who pour their souls into their craft even if I don't like or understand the things they create. We are all different and we enjoy different things. That's okay.

8 Unexpectedly Good Things About the Coronavirus Situation

Hey everyone! It's been a long time since I posted. I honestly have nothing to blame that on, but my own lack of motivation, but I'm gonna blame it on that whole coronavirus fiasco. Anything you aren't doing can be blamed on this crisis, right? While I am not trying to make light of a serious situation for some, I do like to flip things on their head. So, in these dire times, what can possibly be the "positive side"? Here are a few things!

1. If you're one of those people stuck at home, you can get to things you've been putting off. I deep cleaned my shower tonight, which I've been telling myself to do for weeks. Take that, germs!

2. Pets don't have to be alone so much. Their owners are staying home. Yay for kitty cuddles and puppy play time!

3. You learn more about the people around you by how they deal with stressful situations. I have gained a huge amount of respect for many of my friends who have proved to be reasonable, intelligent, and calm when social media hysteria can easily lead to spread of false news and unreasonable panic. I am reassured that I gravitate toward really amazing people that I can count on any time.

4. You might be able to branch out into new TV viewing selections. Around this time of year, my television is predominantly set to basketball games. While I miss that form of entertainment very much, I am now discovering new channels and shows.

5. Weird buying habits might not be so weird after all. My obsession with Bath & Body Works is finally coming in handy! I, for some reason, have like 8 hand soaps and only two sinks. I always have a coupon or I fall in love with a new scent. Now, they can be used. I also always buy toilet paper in bulk from Amazon, so that's a nice cushion.

6. You might be able to do your work without so many distractions. I'm personally planning on having 10 weeks worth of lesson plans done by Tuesday (even though the kids might not be in school for that many more weeks). I know a lot of people that say talkative coworkers can make it difficult to get things done. Even if your workplace has not moved to working from home, you can always use the fear of contact as an excuse to keep away from those distracting presences and actually work in peace.

7. Some people are able to take trips they would never usually be able to take. I know, I know, they probably shouldn't be traveling. But it's starting to feel very apocalyptic out there. A lot of people my age are dealing with huge student loan payments and working more than one job to get by and rising cost of living. It's so difficult to experience the things we want to experience. With prices way down and time off for many people, as long as they are safe and not in contact with the susceptible population, take some time and see something you've always wanted to see. Do something you never get to do. Bonus: Currently our student loans are not accruing interest.

8. In many ways, it is a learning experience for the nation. We learn what things are important for our survival. We learn better hygienic practices. In education, we are exploring the possibilities within online learning. I am sure the medical world is learning so much.

Times may be scary, but keep your heads up out there. There's a lot of good in the world. It may be hard to see over the fear and upheaval, but it's there. Take it one day at a time. Come together with those you love and trust to help you remember what's important (just maybe not too close.)

Oscar Picks 2019

As is tradition for me now, I went and saw all the Oscar-nominated movies. This year, I've decided not to venture guesses about who might win. The Academy has favorites and I'm not here to guess who those people might be. I'm just here to record what my favorite movies and performances for the year of 2019. (I have not seen any of the shorts yet, so those categories are not included.) I won't be right, but I want to cheer for those that I loved. Here they are.

Best Picture: Ford v Ferrari --Of all the best picture nominees, this is the only one I honestly would see again. I haven't met anyone yet that didn't like this movie. Out of all the movies I saw in the theater, I felt like this one had the best feeling in the theater after the movie was over. And isn't it good to see a movie and feel good when leaving?

Best Lead Actress: Saoirse Ronan (Little Women) This is the third year in a row that she's impressed me with a performance and each of her characters is distinct and different. She deserves a win.

Best Lead Actor: Joaquin Phoenix (Joker) I don't think any other performance comes close. He commanded every single scene.

Best Supporting Actress: Margot Robbie (Bombshell) Margot has been dominated the movie world for the past few years. This movie made me ugly cry because of her performance.

Best Supporting Actor: Brad Pitt (Once Upon a Time in Hollywood) When you can steal the show from Leonardo DiCaprio, you deserve an award.

Best Director: Todd Phillips (Joker) His creativity impressed the hell out of me.

Best Animated Movie: Toy Story 4 Unpopular Opinion-This is my favorite one since the first one.

Best Foreign Movie: Parasite It wasn't my favorite movie, but it got so much buzz, it should win this category for sure.

Best Documentary: The Cave I think this man is doing a great service to the world by documenting the horrors going on in Syria. I have learned so much from this documentaries and this one has a lot of heart.

Original Screenplay: Marriage Story Honest and moving.

Adapted Screenplay: The Two Popes Writing is always a category that means a lot to me and both the scripts I picked are from Netflix movies. I think that shows that Netflix is giving some wonderful opportunities to wonderful story tellers.

Best Original Score: 1917 Very recognizable music.

Best Original Song "I'm Standing With You" from Breakthrough I'm not a big fan of religious movies generally, but I can honestly say I enjoyed this movie and I enjoy this song.

Sound Mixing: 1917

Sound Editing: 1917 Have I mentioned how much the sound in that movie impressed me? Haha.

Cinematography: The Irishman This one was really was tough. I think 1917 is the obvious choice, but I read up on the cinematographer for this movie (Rodrigo Prieto) and the majority of the de-aging for these actors was done solely through camerawork (not makeup). This guy used like 3 different types of cameras for every single scene and filmed hundreds of hours. And, for the most part, he did it alone. It's an impressive feat. Rodrigo has been Scorsese's go-to guy for a long time and has paid his dues.

Visual Effects: Avengers:Endgame The amount of effects for this movie is insane and nothing else compares.

Costume Design: Once Upon a Time in Hollywood It was very distinctive and a major asset to this movie.

Production Design: 1917 Even when watching, I kept making comments about how elaborate the set was.

Film Editing: Ford v Ferrari This movie has so many shots that had to be combined and you don't even notice how elaborate it really is. That's a sign of success.

Makeup and Hair: Maleficent: Mistress of Evil There is good makeup work in a lot of movies, but nothing is to the scale of this movie and all those beautiful fairies.

Look Through My Eyes

On the last weekend of 2019, I decided to take an impromptu road trip. While the purpose was technically to deliver some items to a friend in Dallas, my hope for the trip was to focus on myself. I tend to be a person who is continually gauging the emotions of everyone around me. "Is she upset?" "Does he want to be here?" "Did I say the wrong thing?" "What can I do/say to make this more enjoyable for ____?" While this kind of monitoring has served me well in many situations, it often makes for miserable trips because I spend so much time worrying about those around me that I forget to enjoy myself.

In so many ways, my trip was a success. I stopped when I wanted to stop without hesitation. I really slowed down and took things in. I enjoyed my own company.

 I wasn't all by myself though.

Once, a song came on the radio and I started tapping along to the beat on my steering wheel. Suddenly, I was overcome by a memory of my friend Bryant, who recently passed away, singing along to a song and drumming enthusiastically on his steering wheel as I was laughing easily in the passenger seat. It was such a beautiful, happy memory, but it caught me off guard. I started to cry and couldn't stop. I pulled over at a scenic rest stop in southern Arizona and gazed at the mountains through my tears. I felt like Bryant sat there with me, arm around my shoulder.

On a whim, before I left my house, I had grabbed my necklace that holds my Grandpa Dick's ashes. Every time I adjusted the chain or looked down and caught a glimpse of the necklace, I would delve into thoughts about his numerous solo road trips between Arizona and Nebraska. I wondered what things he thought about or what sights took his breath away. I could almost imagine his sitting there next to me as he gave me a thoughtful lesson on history or astronomy. I also imagined sharing my road trip snacks with Grandpa Jack. As I walked barefoot through the Texas sandhills, I imagined Moriah walking next to me just like our beach walks at Harlan.

Recently, I read a book called Lost Stars, that takes place in the Star Wars universe. In the book, the main character loses her twin in infancy. In accordance with her culture's traditions, she tries to live for both of them, so whenever she encounters great moments of beauty, she takes a snapshot and says the words, "Look through my eyes" as if to let that person she lost see what she sees for moment. While I took many actual photos during my trip, they can't capture everything I saw. So I started taking mental snapshots. I would stare at the sunset or city lights. I would study an incredible museum display or a magnolia tree. Then, I would take a deep breath and blink once slowly and say, "Look through my eyes." For me, all those people I lost were experiencing it with me. No matter what, I will never be alone.