Your Experiences are Not My Experiences. Your Story Is Your Own.

Have you ever been telling a friend or family member about something in your life and part way through the description, the entire conversation is suddenly about them? You could be describing your trip to Disney World and that person interrupts and starts telling you exactly when they went to Disney World and what rides they went on and what places they hate and what they thought of it, etc. They weren't listening to your experiences at all, but instead using your provided topic to think about themselves.

We aren't listening.

When you hear a story of trauma, your reaction shouldn't be, "Well _____ happened to me and..." No. Stop. This isn't your story. This is theirs. Listen to how they feel. Because no matter what you've been through in your life, it isn't what they've been through. We have different amounts of privilege, different fears, different families, different abilities, different identity-building experiences, different coping mechanisms, etc. An overheard comment made in a grocery store could change your entire outlook on the world or perception of yourself, so even members of the same family or community are not going to think exactly alike.

When a child at school is in distress, a comment by a teacher of "when I was your age" is automatically discounting the current, very real feelings of that kid. In that moment, it doesn't matter what the adult did when they were in school. This is the student's experience. Let them tell their story. Then, ask how you can help. When one parent hears another parent expressing concerns about their child, explaining what they did with their own son or daughter often just makes the new parent feel bad or judged. They are raising completely different human being in a entirely different environment and culture. Listen closely to their story. Then, give advice if it is needed.

Whether is has to do with the pandemic, politics, or injustices in the world, people are doling out judgments, creating barriers of "us vs. them", and using topics of grave importance to bolster their own reputations or social media profiles. Freedom of speech is an important thing and everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but opinions about other people's experiences just don't matter. Own your own story, but listen to others' too. Spilling out your own story without filling yourself up with others isn't very nourishing. Every story counts.