Today at work, I was working at a table working alone and I looked up and saw someone across the room. I hurriedly pulled up my mask, which was dangling around my chin. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I spent the next hour of work feeling guilty. This is not a unique story. Just this week, I have admonished myself in the following ways:
The kitchen is a mess. Why can't I just get it together?
I forgot to ask about her sick mother. I am so selfish.
I lost my phone again. What is wrong with me?
I ate way too much. This is why I look so awful.
I was the last one to walk into the meeting. I look so unprofessional.
The truth is that today I was at least 10 feet away from that coworker when I took off my mask. I was late for no meetings. I hurt no one. I had not broken a single rule. No one reprimanded me. When it comes to myself, I play the role of prosecution, but never the defense. I'm guilty when I say the wrong thing or talk too much. I'm also guilty when I don't speak up or don't reach out. I don't have to provide proof. Even when I defend my actions to others, I've already convicted myself. Consequently, I don't sleep.
This is not to say I think I'm a bad person. I think I'm smart and hard-working. I'm caring and helpful. I just find it hard to forgive myself for any mistake. And I make a lot of them.
Like usual with these posts, I don't have any answers. One thing I do that I am proud of, though, is I always try to improve. So tonight, I looked into what I could do. The following are some tips I learned after reading several psychology magazine articles. I thought I'd share on here in case they empower anyone else with similar excessive guilt and I might just need to come back to this blog again...and again.
1. Pay attention to your accomplishments. I already practice gratitude and naming things I am thankful for each day, which helps me stay positive, but ending the day by naming something you accomplished incites a sense of "self-gratitude" rather than self-judgment.
2. Imagine if roles were reversed. A lot of my guilt stems from what I believe others think of me. If I take the same situation and imagine how I would feel if my coworker or friend or family member did the same thing, it is likely I would be much, much more understanding. I need to treat myself as I treat others.
3. Realize it's okay to take care of your own needs. This year, I've been doing workouts on an app called FitOn (it's free and I highly recommend it by the way). One of the reasons I like it so much is that almost every coach on the app reiterates this sentiment: You know yourself better than anyone else so do what's best for you. They tell me to stop if I need to. They say to modify workouts if I need to. They tell me I can fall down in yoga and I shouldn't feel ashamed. Some of the most guilt-driven moments in my life have centered around exercise. I was guilty when I let down my PE or recess team because I was bad at every sport. I was guilty when my parents would come to softball or volleyball games and I wouldn't get to play. I was guilty every time I broke something due to my awful coordination. I was guilty when I couldn't keep up in Zumba/Barre/HIIT classes. With FitOn, I finally feel like the exercise is "me time" and isn't affecting anyone else at all. I want to think more about how I can serve my own needs without worrying about the needs of others (and also without feeling selfish). This one might take a lifetime, but life is just a work in progress.
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