I Don't Just Love You When It's Easy

Whenever I take my cat, Bowser, to visit my parents, in a house with two bigger dogs, he acts erratically. Sometimes he's jumpy, every movement scaring him. Oftentimes, he retreats, hiding for hours. In the middle of petting him, he will suddenly hiss or swat me. I feel like I'm constantly defending him. "I swear he's not always like this." And he isn't. As soon as we return home, he becomes he usual adventurous, "chatty" self. But in an unpredictable setting, he becomes unpredictable.

I write this, not to tell you a story about my cat, but because I think we are all in that house right now. We're in foreign territory. Instead of dogs, we have the looming threat of Covid-19 and social unrest and an upcoming election. Our routines have been disrupted and I think, for many of us, that changes our personalities because we are trying to cope.  I, like my cat, have "hissed" and been defensive around people that weren't trying to harm me. I have retreated at times and been angry at other times. I have seen many others on social media or on the news acting the same way. The world is chaotic. Our actions become chaotic.

Today, a family member of one of my students reached out to me. She wanted to thank me for helping her younger sister out "even when she was acting out." I wanted to tell her that I enjoyed having that student not "in spite" of her episodes of anger and sadness, but right through those moments. Of course I loved when she was working hard and cooperating, but I loved her just as much when she was yelling. When she stomped out of the room and I let her keep stomping until she was calmer. When she sat on the floor and cried and I sat next to her until she was ready to rejoin class. I knew that she was in that unfamiliar house. Middle school may not have big dogs, but it has bullies. It has first-loves. It has new friends and new teachers and new content. The threats are endless. Her environment was erratic. She acted erratically.

I hope my friends, my family, and my students don't ever feel too bad for lashing out or saying things they don't mean. I don't love them only when it is "easy" or only when we agree. That's not what caring for someone means. And, if I can believe that, I need to stop apologizing so much for my own missteps. Those that really care know my heart and won't throw me away when things aren't easy. We all act in ways we don't want to act sometimes. As much as we hope to be in control of our every word and action, we make mistakes. That's life. That's adjusting to a world that is always changing. And that is okay.