Go Where the Wind Takes You...Or Make the Jump?

I am a control freak. I like to be in charge of my own life and make my own decisions. Maybe it's an oldest child side effect or maybe it's an inherited trait from my father. Possibly, it's because of how I was raised or due to the fact that I've never been a relationship that forced me to pull back. Regardless, I naturally don't like to wait around for things to happen. I like to make them happen.

But, for the past 5 years or so, I have made a very conscious effort to "go with the flow." I found out in college that many of my best moments weren't planned ahead of time, but happened when I just went wherever the day/night took me. I try to release the reigns whenever possible and say "yes" to opportunities that come along. As a general rule, although uncomfortable to me at times, this has served me very well. I have met amazing people, tried new things, and learned a lot about myself from taking chances and experiencing whatever has come my way.

The problem is, sometimes I struggle to find the line between riding and driving. If I just keep riding the waves of my life, things may never change. I might stay at my same job in my same town doing the same things forever. I may do what everyone else wants me to do and not do what I envision for myself. But jumping into the driver's seat has caused me to make bad decisions (and purchases) many times too. For example...

*If I hadn't made a bold decision, I wouldn't be going to Italy this summer.
*If I hadn't made a bold decision, I wouldn't be getting Master's degree.
*If I hadn't made the bold decision to walk into a stranger's dorm room on a lonely night, I would never have made one of my best friends.

*If I had made a bold decision to leave my job after a stressful first year like I wanted, I wouldn't be doing the job I love now.
*If I had made the bold decision to go meet people I just met on dating apps, I most definitely would have put myself in awkward situations instead of realizing they were creeps through text message at a safe distance away.
*If I had made the bold decision to say "no" to three jobs, I probably wouldn't be able to afford that trip or that degree.

See that crazy line? So, you can go with the flow or you can make the jump.  Either way, you might not get what you want. Either way, amazing things might happen.

Turn the Camera Around...Or Just Turn It Off

Over spring break, I took on the task of cleaning out my parents' very cluttered computer. I trashed hundreds of documents, but I didn't touch a single photograph. Photos are amazing. So are videos. They capture moments of our life and people who mean the most to us.

Luckily, we live in a time when we all have cameras at our fingertips to collect these moments. But we also live in a time where we can find photos of almost anything on the Internet. So photos can lose their value unless they are personal.

For example, I went to an NBA game a few weeks ago. Since most of my students are big LeBron James fans, I made a point of taking many, many photos and videos of him playing. Do you know what there favorite photo was? The one of me in front of the court. They can see LeBron play every single day from their phones or computers. They don't know anyone personally who has watched him play. So they wanted to see me there. They wanted to hear my stories. They wanted to know exactly where I sat and how many people were there and how it felt and what surprised me.

Last week, I went to a concert. It was entertaining and exhilarating and an all-around good experience. But, at any given moment, my view of Andy Grammer was blocked by at least 5 cell phones recording the concert. Are those people really going to go back and watch a grainy reproduction of that concert? If they want to see him perform, go to Youtube. Do they prefer to watch him in that small screen when they could see it live in front of them? I doubt it. They just wanted to capture a moment that seemed meaningful. I'm not saying I didn't have my phone out. But most of the time, I turned the camera around. I filmed my friends and their smiles. I filmed us dancing and singing. I believe those are the photographs that I'll come back years from now and will make me smile. Those are the ones I will clog my phone or computer up with because they are worth it.

Like I said, photos are magical things. I wish all the time that I had more than one photo with Moriah. Or more with my grandfathers. So take pictures of people that matter. You'll want those. But the mountains or celebrities or buildings or sports teams? You can skip it. Use your eyes instead.

To Be Needed

I think we don't acknowledge nearly enough the importance humans place in being needed by others. We try to "take care" of our significant others or family members or friends because when we feel they need us for something, it fills a piece of ourselves. While my mother calls me a "pleaser", I think my pleasing of others is a much more selfish act that it might sound. I work extra shifts at my second and third jobs not because I want to help people out, but because it feels good to be needed in those roles. Many people have pets (or even children) because having something or someone dependent on you gives you purpose.

Recently, I've had really bad anxious energy. I feel the need to be doing something all the time...but can't settle on just one thing. I write two sentences for my graduate thesis and get up and grab an unsatisfying snack and then decide to go to the gym but never really finish a full workout. I call people up with nothing to say and read without remembering. I have been planning lessons for school that have no coherent flow at all. I'm jumping from task to task and never feeling satisfied. My Fitbit has tracked a total of 2 hours of "deep sleep" for the entire week. 

It wasn't until I was lying here, on another sure-to-be sleepless night, that I realized these feelings might be connected to this feeling of need. As an oldest child, I always wanted to take care of my siblings, but they are now fully capable adults that don't need me. As I gain my tenure at the end of this school year, I no longer have to work quite as hard to show administrators how much they need me. As I trudge through a final quarter of teaching, I feel like I could be just as easily replaced with any teacher and the kids don't need me. I'm meeting all my professional and personal goals in life and so are all my friends and family around me (which is seriously awesome!) and it should be an amazing, incredible time in my life (I'm graduating with a Master's and going to Italy this year!), but I think I often believe I could leave the country and not be missed at all. No one would need me to come back. And that scares me.

I know I'm not alone in this feeling. I believe it is part of the human condition to feel this way. So, if you need people, don't be afraid to tell them. Even if it's for little things. "I really need you to look over this paper for me. You have a good eye." "I really need to talk to you. You are a great listener." Or make it big. "I need you in my life. You are important to me." You may think they already know, but you might be surprised. 

Where Were You Yesterday?

I think it always feels good to be missed. Whenever I miss work or a class and someone asks me about it, I feel important. I feel noticed. So, I absolutely always make an effort to acknowledge a student who has missed my class, even for a day. These quick, private conversations at the beginning of class always start with, "We missed you yesterday." Sometimes they smile and go on their way. Sometimes, they explain. You might expect an explanation to be a doctor's appointment or an illness. My background tells me that these are reasons to miss school. But I've learned there is a whole lot more than that. These are some reasons my students missed school just this year...

"I had to take care of my little brother. My mom couldn't pay for daycare until she got paid again." 

"Sorry I was gone so long Miss Siel. I was really sick and the flu medicine cost too much for us. I'll try to catch up"

"I spent all day at the hospital. My little cousin was born too small and is sick. No one at the hospital speaks Karen, so I had to translate for the doctors."

"We moved again" (4 times this school year)

"My dad just got out on bail and my mom didn't want him to find us. So we had to go away for a while." 

"The gas guy came to the house and my mom couldn't take off work to let him in. Now we have heat." 

These kids are 12-14 years old. Breaks your heart doesn't it? In the words of my wise 13-year old student, "Everyone has their stuff going on so you've got to be understanding." 

From One Perspective...

Were you ever told to "think of the poor children starving in Africa?" Or "at least you have a home/food/clothes/etc." That "things could be worse?" We are always trying to "put things in perspective." It is as if comparing our struggles to those of other will lessen our pain or worries or anxiety. I think that is crap. 

The truth is that you never, ever know what someone is going through. Just because a life seems good... just because someone seems happy... just because they have things they need, does not mean a person isn't hurting. We are all born different. Our brains produce different emotions. We handle situations differently. We have different capabilities. That doesn't make us weaker or stronger. It makes us human.

Sure, resilience is a good quality and one I try to instill in my students, but I also work very hard to help them understand that what is good for one is not good for all.

In my classroom, I write one student's summaries for him because he has a learning disability and I see his frustration at getting those great thoughts down on paper. I let one student lay her head on her desk many days because she told me about her terrible headaches. I give some students more encouragement than others because I know they have anxiety or low self-esteem. My students notice these things. They compare and question. And when they question me, I always tell them, "Everyone is different." Then, I usually give them something personal I know about them. "I know you have a hard time sitting still, so I send you out with deliveries sometimes." Or "I know you hate fiction, so I make sure there is always a newspaper for you to read at personal reading time." Or "I know you struggle to make it from P.E. to my class so I give you a pass to put your bag away sometimes."

If I sit down and think about, I know I have done something different with each one of my students. I am fortunate to have very small classes so I have time to listen to all of their perspectives and dilemmas.

Just yesterday, I could tell one of my students was very upset as he was walking out of class. I pulled him aside and asked him to sit down with me before going to his next period. I asked what was wrong. He told me about a student that closed his computer before he could save his progress and now he was sure his assignment would be late. He then told me that he felt everyone was picking on him. Honestly, I was very surprised. From my perspective, this student is very well-liked. He is funny and people are always wanting to work with him and I figured the computer incident was accidental or a bad joke. I didn't tell him this though. My observations are not his point of view.  I do not live his life. So, all I could do was say I was sorry he felt that way. I asked what I could do and when he said "nothing," I gave him an extension on the assignment anyway. 

So just because you would have done something differently or you see things a different way or there are worse problems in the world, doesn't mean any one person's perspective is invalid or bad. The world isn't so black and white. It isn't just good vs. bad or right vs. wrong or strong vs. weak. We are all living a different life. We all have a different perspective on the world. 

Best Picture Nominee Rankings

I officially finished my final Best Picture nominee tonight. I still have some short films and documentaries and foreign films to get in before the Oscars, but I have all the main categories down. And it was such a good year! Last year felt a little lackluster, but this year was so damn good I can't even stop thinking and talking about these movies. I'm such a nerd that I was writing multiple essays in my head on the way home from Omaha about the themes of love and compassion and responsibility and control and moral decisions using examples from all the movies I watched. Is there a job where you can write deep thoughts about movies or books...that literally no one would care about except me? Because I think I'd be good at it.

I know my favorites won't win. They rarely do. It isn't really about the awards for me. It's just about great movies. These are all the Best Picture nominees in order of my own ratings. A good movie usually gets a 6 or 7 out of 10, so there were some off-the-charts good ones.

Call Me By Your Name-10/10
Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri-9/10
Get Out-8/10
Phantom Thread-8/10
Darkest Hour-7/10
Lady Bird-7/10
The Post-7/10
The Shape of Water-4/10
Dunkirk-3/10


Stand Out Performances: Timothee Chalamet, Daniel Kaluuya, Gary Oldman, Saoirse Ronan, Sam Rockwell

Also Worth Watching: Coco, Beauty and the Beast, Blade Runner 2049, The Greatest Showman, The Florida Project

Empty of Words

It has been almost a month since I posted in this blog and that is very unlike me. I really wanted to write something today, but I just have nothing to give. I think my relationship of stories is the most important piece of me. Stories are what make me who I am. They make life meaningful. They flow in and out as easily as air and are just as precious to me.

Sometimes I have stories inside of me. I am filled with words and want to share. They bubble out of me. I can't think of anything else until I type them or tell them to someone.

And then there are times when I feel fairly empty of words. I try my best but there is nothing there. So I go out and consume stories like I am starving. Yesterday, I laid in bed and watched two movies and read two books. I had many other things to do that may have seemed more important, but I really needed those stories. I can't tell you how much better I felt immersed in those words and feelings and experiences.

So....soon I hope to have those words again to share. I am not abandoning my blog. I'm just waiting for the right story.