Sleeping on the Floor

 Growing up in a family of five, there was usually an odd-man-out. This was especially noticeable when traveling or going on vacation. Restaurant tables, vehicles, hotel rooms, and amusement park rides are all made to comfortably accommodate four. I'm not here to complain about some major injustice. This was an inconvenience. As I look back, though, I realize the kid cramped in the third row seat or sitting in the chair at the end of the booth or sleeping on the hotel room floor was oftentimes me. This isn't because I was forced into these positions. My family did not exclude me. I always volunteered. But why?

In Demi Lovato's song "I Love Me," she says "I'm a black belt when I'm beating up on myself. But I'm an expert at giving love to somebody else." I've always felt like this, my own worst critic, while championing others and their needs. I remember waking up on the floor of those hotel rooms with my hip bone grinding into the hard floor or shivering because the floor was always cold and thinking, "I deserve this because..." Fights with my siblings ran through my head. Of course they didn't want me to sleep in the same bed as them. I was a terrible sister. 

In many ways, I've been "sleeping on the floor" for people ever since. "You want to borrow that? I'll bring it to you because I don't want to be an inconvenience." "We can go to whatever restaurant you want." Even if I don't like it. I just want you to be happy. "I'll edit/rewrite that paper for you. No charge. It's my pleasure." Even when it takes me hours to finish. "I'll just grab an Uber. You shouldn't go out of your way to pick me up." I'll absolutely always spend my own time, money, or mental well-being instead of asking for anything from anyone else. They need the soft, comfy bed. Not me.

When I quit my extremely stressful job in February, I had this vision of myself with no worries, feeling so light and free. While it took a huge weight off my shoulders, I didn't feel like I was flying. I'm still clenching my jaw until it aches and not sleeping well. I still get angry suddenly for no reason. I know these things are all side effects of stress, but if not from my job, where is it coming from? It's me, beating up on myself. I'm worrying I'm not doing enough in a job that expects less. (In fact, last week, my manager told me to stop asking if I was doing enough because I was doing way more than she expected.) As ridiculous as it sounds, when I'm not sacrificing all my energy to helping others, I feel like I'm being "bad." 

I turned 30 this month and I made two resolutions for myself as I start a new decade. First, I will find moments of joy every single day. Life's too short to waste days. So far, I've committed fully to this and have found something every single day that brings me joy including exploring new places, cooking food I love, playing sand volleyball or bowling, or reading in the sun. Second is much harder. I will stop going places where I don't have a bed. I don't (always) mean a literal bed. I just mean I need to stop engaging with people when they aren't thinking of me and my needs in return. I will stop being an afterthought or a tool to get what they need done. I deserve to be comfortable and my needs to be heard. 

Surface Pressure

 Like many people across the world right now, I've been pretty obsessed with the movie Encanto. While, I've only seen it once in theaters, I have listened to the soundtrack on repeat on my way to and from work. While I can sing along to most of the songs, the one that I gravitate toward over and over again is the song called "Surface Pressure." As a teacher and an older sibling, I have often felt like Luisa's character, working to carry as much as I can and to be of service as many as I can. I was always piling more onto my plate, whether it was asked of me of not. This school year, I got crushed under the weight.

In high school, I was part of almost every club I could join. I stayed at the school until dinner time almost every night. I put in so many hours on extra projects like the yearbook and senior video. When I got to college, just taking classes didn't seem like I was working hard enough, so I joined the honors program and residential hall councils and became a tour guide. I stayed up all night so many times because that paper or project wasn't "the best it could be." I was always helping friends or siblings write their papers too. 

The late nights didn't end at college graduation. During the past 7 years of teaching (always at Title 1 schools), I have spent most of my nights worried about my students. How can I help them learn? What can I do to be a better teacher for them?  Do they have a safe place to eat and sleep tonight? I've woken up in the middle of the night to rewrite lesson plans for the following day. As I moved up to leadership roles at my school districts, my concern transferred to helping teachers too. Teachers would ask me for materials or how to do certain tasks or often would just need me to come and listen to them vent. 

Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel miserable throughout all of this service work. I prided myself on being there for everyone as much as possible. When I filled out bios on social media or dating apps, I always listed "Teacher" first. It has been the title I have loved about myself for so long. So, as I sat in a theater in November, after a particularly overwhelming month at work, and I heard Luisa sing, "I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service", it really hit home. I actually remember being startled by those words. That's how I felt. I felt like my entire self-worth hinged on how much I could help.

Later in Luisa's song she says, "Line up the dominoes. A light wind blows. You try to stop it tumbling. But on and on it goes." That's been my school year. It wasn't one big event that made me want to quit. But I've been trying to pick up those dominoes all year, but the wind has been relentless. So I started applying for other jobs. I knew I needed to get out of this cycle of tumbling down. The decision to apply elsewhere didn't make me feel any less guilty or lost. I told a friend once, "I think I'm going to lose my identity if I'm not a teacher. I'm going to lose my purpose." The friend said, "Maybe you should stop worrying about what you might lose. What might you gain?"

Luisa had the same thought: 

"If I could shake the crushing weight of expectations
Would that free some room up for joy 
Or relaxation, or simple pleasure?

So this week, I start anew. I took a job as Associate Customer Success Manager for an educational publishing company. I will definitely lose some huge parts of my life, but instead of loss, I'm trying to think of it as "shaking it off" to make room for better things. Wish me luck. 

Stop Labeling The Things You Are Not

 I remember the first time I made a declaration about what I could not do. I was standing in right field at softball practice, dragging the toe of my shoe through the dirt. I hadn't hit a single ball and couldn't seem to line my glove up with a ball, even in warm-ups. I saw the looks in my coaches' eyes as they tried to find a place for me out of the way. And I thought, "I'm not good at sports." 

Later, I was not good at making friends. I wasn't good at video games. I was not a singer. I was not coordinated. I was not musical. When Algebra came along, I was not good at math. I wasn't artistic. I wasn't organized. I wasn't funny. The list kept growing. When I was in college, I was once asked to write a paper about myself and I suddenly felt like I was defined more by the things I was not rather than the person I was. 

I wish I could tell you I started focusing on my strengths and I have much more self-worth, but I've since learned that self-love is a lifelong process. However, in this process, I have learned that labels aren't so black and white. I may not have excelled in Algebra, but I am good at logic puzzles and sudoku. And honestly, I think I could have been good at math if I hadn't stopped trying in 7th grade when I believed that I wasn't good at it and never could be. Also, our perceptions of our self can be way off. Didn't a boy in my class always try to cheat off me in my junior year? Why did he do that if I was so bad? 

I may not be good at softball or basketball or any of the sports I was asked to do as a kid, but that doesn't mean I can't or don't want to be active. I love swimming laps, no longer worried about keeping my time. I feel energized when taking a hike when I'm not comparing my speed to those around me. I really enjoy yoga. My family still likes to tease me often about how uncoordinated I am, but honestly I don't feel that way anymore. Did I drop things and run into things and struggle with hand-eye-coordination growing up? Absolutely. I was growing into myself. Like with a lot of things on my "You Are Not" list, with time, practice, and patience with myself, I got better. 

I am not saying we can all be good at everything. We are each unique and that's what makes us beautiful. But some things like art and video games don't have to be a competition and I can find enjoyment without being "great." Some things, like organization, can get better as I learn about myself more and what works for me. Some things, like humor or beauty, are all a matter of perception.

Recently, the thing I am "not" has been a writer. For years, I haven't even attempted to write anything beyond this blog and I even stopped writing in here for the past 3 months. My self-talk said, "I am not a real writer. No one wants to read what I write. I don't have any good ideas." Is that the point though? Writing is a way of expressing and letting out feelings we have inside. I can write a story and it doesn't have to be publishable to be something I can be proud of. 

I hope all of you can focus on what brings you joy, pride, and/or satisfaction without labeling all the things you are "not." You ARE many amazing things. Those are the things that count. 

Sitting on Empty

 There are 131 emails in my inbox; 

Greeting me in bold print as I open my eyes, 

Settling like cement around my limbs, my skull. 

I must get up, must fight the concrete of dread.

But I hit snooze for the 5th time instead.

There are 162 emails in my inbox. 

Ten minutes of sleep like a piece of Scotch tape.

The flood is still coming. 

Today, I will hold my head above water

And wonder if anything I do will even matter.

There are 145 emails in my inbox. 

But you wouldn't notice the problems I've solved

While combing my hair and brushing my teeth.

The passenger seat greets me with a paper pile,

To grade; To sign; To drop off; to file.

I don't look at the emails in my inbox. 

"What are we doing today, Ms. Siel?"

19 sets of eyes stare back at my swollen ones.

I take a breath and I put on a show.

We read and write and play and grow.

There are 183 emails in my inbox.

I grab more caffeine, the third trip this week.

I sit at my desk and I begin to respond.

"I'll come to your room. What was the date?"

Heap more meetings onto my plate.

There's 144 emails in my inbox. 

But I'm all out of time. The hour went fast.

I rush to my car and I drive to the next school.

I present the data I prepared late last night.

"Scores are low...how can I help make this right?"

There's 165 emails in my inbox. 

It's lunch time, but I too stressed to eat.

Because if I'm not prepared for every second,

my 30 middle school students will eat me alive.

So I start to plan as I take another drive.

There's 178 emails in my inbox.

Printed the worksheets. Prepared the projector.

The kids pile in and 2 hours of questions begin.

"Can I use the bathroom?" "Change my seat?"

"How do you spell...?" "What does this mean?"

I don't open my inbox. 

I don't want to see the deadlines I'm missing.

I can't respond, "What can I do to help?"

Because, frankly, there's no help left in me.

Both my car and I are sitting on empty.

TikTok, Don't Stop

2020 and 2021 have not been years full of positives. But if anything good came out of the year for me, it was TikTok. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right now. You think it's full of teens dancing silly dances or challenges that involve stealing property from schools. Those things are true. But this app is truly what you make it, and I have designed my feed to be a real source of learning and connection. I truly believe it is what social media was designed to be and other haven't gotten it right. Let me show you.

Facebook is generally filled with people you already know and Instagram might be filled with celebrities and influencers. TikTok though...it lets you meet people like you. 

These two ladies below are middle school teachers. The first lady helps me remember why I teach. I listen to her stories about her own classroom or about conversations with other teachers and I just feel better. She never has perfect organization or a Pinterest-worthy classroom, but I see her as a huge role model. And through the comments, I've actually done problem solving with her and other teachers about classroom issues. The 2nd is a reader like me. After school, she posts about the books she is reading or her students are reading and we often have the exact same opinions on books and it brings me joy. 

                    

I also see people who look like me. I don't follow models or actors or singers. These two wear the exact size of clothes as me and try on different styles to show how'd they look. They are fun and entertaining, but also so normal. I've talked to both of them, asking them about clothes and I can finally talk about fashion that I love without fitting in a Size 2. 

                            

On the other hand, I get to follow people with jobs SO different from mine and it is amazing! I follow a guy who raises tortoises in Arizona, a prop master for television shows in Texas, a professional artist from New Zealand, and a guy who cleans pools in New Orleans. I have learned so much from these guys and am fascinated every day. 

Not only do these people across the world fascinate me, they also inspire me. The pool guy above? He lost his job and has recently made this pool business really flourish. Celina (the 1st girl below) has written several books, started a makeup line, and is one of the most popular content-creators on TikTok. Before last year, she talks openly about being suicidal. The 2nd lady gets hate on a regular basis about her religion and culture, but now has over 3 million people laughing along with her every day. Sarah was lost and didn't know what to do with her life until she made a silly rap video on TikTok and now is pursuing a music career. Jax now has songs on the radio after years of struggling to make it in LA. Kristen had to quit a job she liked because she couldn't afford daycare and TikTok gives her a sense of purpose every day. Emily chose to quit a job at an interior design firm that she didn't love and now does her own renovations with her boyfriend and shares all her design ideas with the world.

 

Speaking of couples, I was pretty disenchanted by relationships as a whole, but some TikTok couples just make me smile. 

                                           

And some of them just make me belly laugh. (Do you notice all my favorite comedians are women?--not typical on any other platform). 

  

Some are real professionals. I follow doctors and nurses and lawyers and dieticians and physical therapists that give real practical advice from their homes or cars without making me feel judged and seeming superior. 

 

In short, TikTok is really a place of connection to people all over the world. Want to learn about board games? It's on TikTok? Thinking of becoming an oceanographer? Watch one in action. Chat with them here. Want to share your art or talents, or even just your thoughts? You can do that on TikTok. So, thanks TikTok. I really need you this year. 

To My Amazing Friends

 I often say, "I don't make friends easily." Or "I'm not social." And those things are true. By some amazing luck, though, despite my awkward, introverted ways, I somehow have collected this incredible group of people that I get to call friends. Not a week goes by that I don't feel thankful for my friends. I try to tell them often how much they mean to me, especially since I lost two of my best friends much too soon and my biggest regret is always that I didn't express how much they made me feel safe and loved and seen before it was too late. However, I think sometimes it's good to have your feelings in print. 

So, this is an ode to some friends.

Thomas....you were one of my first friends. When others bullied me or made me feel weird, you never did. You made the "unpopular" table feel like the best place to be. You gave me a home in every playground or classroom. Most people in my life aren't physically affectionate, so your bear hugs are one of my favorite things in the world. 

Ashley...thanks for always taking me along for your adventures. You never took no for an answer and still have this wonderful sense of leadership that I admire. I love watching you and your family grow. 

Hillary...girl I would be lost without you! You picked me up when I felt at my lowest and brought me into this bright and beautiful world of yours. When I think of college, I think of you.. You love so easily and never let me undervalue myself. Your energy is contagious and it makes my life better each and every day.

Sarah...I am so glad that we decided to room together. I always loved coming home and telling you about my day. Thank you for always listening to my stories and letting me be my weird self. You have the biggest heart and also aren't afraid to call me on my bullshit sometimes.

Bailey...I can't imagine anyone in the whole world not loving you. You exude this peace and kindness that always makes me feel loved and important. Plus, you have a bomb taste in music and books. I'm inspired by you as a fellow educator (I know your a speech-path, but that's a educator to me) and human being.

Skye...I love your honesty and work ethic. You always push me to be better. I also have so much fun with you, whether it's playing games or drinking wine, or just chatting over Marco Polo. I know I can always count on you to be there if I need you.

Kristi...Whenever I'm working through a problem and I send a video to the group about it, I'm waiting on your response because you are the problem solver I wish I was. Your passion for your job makes me so happy and I absolutely love how you are always willing to see things from another point of view before making a judgment. 

Will...When I was finishing my Master's thesis and was having a complete meltdown, you took time to text me all weekend to tell me how amazing I was doing and how everything was going to be worth it. You validated my feelings and truly got me through. You've pushed me ever since with words of encouragement or even a phone call to talk things through when I'm confused. 

And I can't forget my work friends. Thanks to Heidi and Christine for making me feel like a part of a work environment for the first time. Thanks to Patti and Elizabeth for giving me the confidence to try new things. Thanks to Karen for forcing me out of my desk last year to take breaks and to Melissa for calling me after work so we can debrief from our stressful days. 

I have the best friends. 

Why I Really Can Never Get Married

I've spent almost 30 years being single. Recently, I've realized this has absolutely ruined me for any incoming parties...not that I have any interested applicants. Sometimes I think it might be nice to have a boyfriend or a husband...and then I remember:

1. I set at least 5 alarms every morning. I snooze some of them while still asleep. I sleep through some completely. No one will live through this morning torture. 

2. My cat needs at least 2 solid hours of my undivided attention every night. And he ranks pretty high in my book.

3. My apartment regularly reflects the inner chaos of my mind. If I'm overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, or anxious, you better believe I just take my shoes off in the middle of the living room. Or let the dishes pile up. Once, last week, after a particularly stressful day, I dropped a piece of plastic on the floor and the act of picking it up seemed Herculean. 

4. My shower is already full. I have a different shower routine every day and have to fully stock with all the scrubs and conditioners. No shelf room available. 

5. On that same note, I am not willing or able to share a closet.

6. I am guaranteed to go off about the most asinine things. Once, my sister's boyfriend mixed up all my alphabetized spices in the kitchen and I was ENRAGED. 

7. I don't do quiet. This is my volume. It does not change. I will use that volume on a call with friends or singing in the shower. And is you shush me...see #6.

It's a very, very good thing I enjoy my own company. 😄