Sleeping on the Floor

 Growing up in a family of five, there was usually an odd-man-out. This was especially noticeable when traveling or going on vacation. Restaurant tables, vehicles, hotel rooms, and amusement park rides are all made to comfortably accommodate four. I'm not here to complain about some major injustice. This was an inconvenience. As I look back, though, I realize the kid cramped in the third row seat or sitting in the chair at the end of the booth or sleeping on the hotel room floor was oftentimes me. This isn't because I was forced into these positions. My family did not exclude me. I always volunteered. But why?

In Demi Lovato's song "I Love Me," she says "I'm a black belt when I'm beating up on myself. But I'm an expert at giving love to somebody else." I've always felt like this, my own worst critic, while championing others and their needs. I remember waking up on the floor of those hotel rooms with my hip bone grinding into the hard floor or shivering because the floor was always cold and thinking, "I deserve this because..." Fights with my siblings ran through my head. Of course they didn't want me to sleep in the same bed as them. I was a terrible sister. 

In many ways, I've been "sleeping on the floor" for people ever since. "You want to borrow that? I'll bring it to you because I don't want to be an inconvenience." "We can go to whatever restaurant you want." Even if I don't like it. I just want you to be happy. "I'll edit/rewrite that paper for you. No charge. It's my pleasure." Even when it takes me hours to finish. "I'll just grab an Uber. You shouldn't go out of your way to pick me up." I'll absolutely always spend my own time, money, or mental well-being instead of asking for anything from anyone else. They need the soft, comfy bed. Not me.

When I quit my extremely stressful job in February, I had this vision of myself with no worries, feeling so light and free. While it took a huge weight off my shoulders, I didn't feel like I was flying. I'm still clenching my jaw until it aches and not sleeping well. I still get angry suddenly for no reason. I know these things are all side effects of stress, but if not from my job, where is it coming from? It's me, beating up on myself. I'm worrying I'm not doing enough in a job that expects less. (In fact, last week, my manager told me to stop asking if I was doing enough because I was doing way more than she expected.) As ridiculous as it sounds, when I'm not sacrificing all my energy to helping others, I feel like I'm being "bad." 

I turned 30 this month and I made two resolutions for myself as I start a new decade. First, I will find moments of joy every single day. Life's too short to waste days. So far, I've committed fully to this and have found something every single day that brings me joy including exploring new places, cooking food I love, playing sand volleyball or bowling, or reading in the sun. Second is much harder. I will stop going places where I don't have a bed. I don't (always) mean a literal bed. I just mean I need to stop engaging with people when they aren't thinking of me and my needs in return. I will stop being an afterthought or a tool to get what they need done. I deserve to be comfortable and my needs to be heard.