Stop Labeling The Things You Are Not

 I remember the first time I made a declaration about what I could not do. I was standing in right field at softball practice, dragging the toe of my shoe through the dirt. I hadn't hit a single ball and couldn't seem to line my glove up with a ball, even in warm-ups. I saw the looks in my coaches' eyes as they tried to find a place for me out of the way. And I thought, "I'm not good at sports." 

Later, I was not good at making friends. I wasn't good at video games. I was not a singer. I was not coordinated. I was not musical. When Algebra came along, I was not good at math. I wasn't artistic. I wasn't organized. I wasn't funny. The list kept growing. When I was in college, I was once asked to write a paper about myself and I suddenly felt like I was defined more by the things I was not rather than the person I was. 

I wish I could tell you I started focusing on my strengths and I have much more self-worth, but I've since learned that self-love is a lifelong process. However, in this process, I have learned that labels aren't so black and white. I may not have excelled in Algebra, but I am good at logic puzzles and sudoku. And honestly, I think I could have been good at math if I hadn't stopped trying in 7th grade when I believed that I wasn't good at it and never could be. Also, our perceptions of our self can be way off. Didn't a boy in my class always try to cheat off me in my junior year? Why did he do that if I was so bad? 

I may not be good at softball or basketball or any of the sports I was asked to do as a kid, but that doesn't mean I can't or don't want to be active. I love swimming laps, no longer worried about keeping my time. I feel energized when taking a hike when I'm not comparing my speed to those around me. I really enjoy yoga. My family still likes to tease me often about how uncoordinated I am, but honestly I don't feel that way anymore. Did I drop things and run into things and struggle with hand-eye-coordination growing up? Absolutely. I was growing into myself. Like with a lot of things on my "You Are Not" list, with time, practice, and patience with myself, I got better. 

I am not saying we can all be good at everything. We are each unique and that's what makes us beautiful. But some things like art and video games don't have to be a competition and I can find enjoyment without being "great." Some things, like organization, can get better as I learn about myself more and what works for me. Some things, like humor or beauty, are all a matter of perception.

Recently, the thing I am "not" has been a writer. For years, I haven't even attempted to write anything beyond this blog and I even stopped writing in here for the past 3 months. My self-talk said, "I am not a real writer. No one wants to read what I write. I don't have any good ideas." Is that the point though? Writing is a way of expressing and letting out feelings we have inside. I can write a story and it doesn't have to be publishable to be something I can be proud of. 

I hope all of you can focus on what brings you joy, pride, and/or satisfaction without labeling all the things you are "not." You ARE many amazing things. Those are the things that count. 

Sitting on Empty

 There are 131 emails in my inbox; 

Greeting me in bold print as I open my eyes, 

Settling like cement around my limbs, my skull. 

I must get up, must fight the concrete of dread.

But I hit snooze for the 5th time instead.

There are 162 emails in my inbox. 

Ten minutes of sleep like a piece of Scotch tape.

The flood is still coming. 

Today, I will hold my head above water

And wonder if anything I do will even matter.

There are 145 emails in my inbox. 

But you wouldn't notice the problems I've solved

While combing my hair and brushing my teeth.

The passenger seat greets me with a paper pile,

To grade; To sign; To drop off; to file.

I don't look at the emails in my inbox. 

"What are we doing today, Ms. Siel?"

19 sets of eyes stare back at my swollen ones.

I take a breath and I put on a show.

We read and write and play and grow.

There are 183 emails in my inbox.

I grab more caffeine, the third trip this week.

I sit at my desk and I begin to respond.

"I'll come to your room. What was the date?"

Heap more meetings onto my plate.

There's 144 emails in my inbox. 

But I'm all out of time. The hour went fast.

I rush to my car and I drive to the next school.

I present the data I prepared late last night.

"Scores are low...how can I help make this right?"

There's 165 emails in my inbox. 

It's lunch time, but I too stressed to eat.

Because if I'm not prepared for every second,

my 30 middle school students will eat me alive.

So I start to plan as I take another drive.

There's 178 emails in my inbox.

Printed the worksheets. Prepared the projector.

The kids pile in and 2 hours of questions begin.

"Can I use the bathroom?" "Change my seat?"

"How do you spell...?" "What does this mean?"

I don't open my inbox. 

I don't want to see the deadlines I'm missing.

I can't respond, "What can I do to help?"

Because, frankly, there's no help left in me.

Both my car and I are sitting on empty.

TikTok, Don't Stop

2020 and 2021 have not been years full of positives. But if anything good came out of the year for me, it was TikTok. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right now. You think it's full of teens dancing silly dances or challenges that involve stealing property from schools. Those things are true. But this app is truly what you make it, and I have designed my feed to be a real source of learning and connection. I truly believe it is what social media was designed to be and other haven't gotten it right. Let me show you.

Facebook is generally filled with people you already know and Instagram might be filled with celebrities and influencers. TikTok though...it lets you meet people like you. 

These two ladies below are middle school teachers. The first lady helps me remember why I teach. I listen to her stories about her own classroom or about conversations with other teachers and I just feel better. She never has perfect organization or a Pinterest-worthy classroom, but I see her as a huge role model. And through the comments, I've actually done problem solving with her and other teachers about classroom issues. The 2nd is a reader like me. After school, she posts about the books she is reading or her students are reading and we often have the exact same opinions on books and it brings me joy. 

                    

I also see people who look like me. I don't follow models or actors or singers. These two wear the exact size of clothes as me and try on different styles to show how'd they look. They are fun and entertaining, but also so normal. I've talked to both of them, asking them about clothes and I can finally talk about fashion that I love without fitting in a Size 2. 

                            

On the other hand, I get to follow people with jobs SO different from mine and it is amazing! I follow a guy who raises tortoises in Arizona, a prop master for television shows in Texas, a professional artist from New Zealand, and a guy who cleans pools in New Orleans. I have learned so much from these guys and am fascinated every day. 

Not only do these people across the world fascinate me, they also inspire me. The pool guy above? He lost his job and has recently made this pool business really flourish. Celina (the 1st girl below) has written several books, started a makeup line, and is one of the most popular content-creators on TikTok. Before last year, she talks openly about being suicidal. The 2nd lady gets hate on a regular basis about her religion and culture, but now has over 3 million people laughing along with her every day. Sarah was lost and didn't know what to do with her life until she made a silly rap video on TikTok and now is pursuing a music career. Jax now has songs on the radio after years of struggling to make it in LA. Kristen had to quit a job she liked because she couldn't afford daycare and TikTok gives her a sense of purpose every day. Emily chose to quit a job at an interior design firm that she didn't love and now does her own renovations with her boyfriend and shares all her design ideas with the world.

 

Speaking of couples, I was pretty disenchanted by relationships as a whole, but some TikTok couples just make me smile. 

                                           

And some of them just make me belly laugh. (Do you notice all my favorite comedians are women?--not typical on any other platform). 

  

Some are real professionals. I follow doctors and nurses and lawyers and dieticians and physical therapists that give real practical advice from their homes or cars without making me feel judged and seeming superior. 

 

In short, TikTok is really a place of connection to people all over the world. Want to learn about board games? It's on TikTok? Thinking of becoming an oceanographer? Watch one in action. Chat with them here. Want to share your art or talents, or even just your thoughts? You can do that on TikTok. So, thanks TikTok. I really need you this year. 

To My Amazing Friends

 I often say, "I don't make friends easily." Or "I'm not social." And those things are true. By some amazing luck, though, despite my awkward, introverted ways, I somehow have collected this incredible group of people that I get to call friends. Not a week goes by that I don't feel thankful for my friends. I try to tell them often how much they mean to me, especially since I lost two of my best friends much too soon and my biggest regret is always that I didn't express how much they made me feel safe and loved and seen before it was too late. However, I think sometimes it's good to have your feelings in print. 

So, this is an ode to some friends.

Thomas....you were one of my first friends. When others bullied me or made me feel weird, you never did. You made the "unpopular" table feel like the best place to be. You gave me a home in every playground or classroom. Most people in my life aren't physically affectionate, so your bear hugs are one of my favorite things in the world. 

Ashley...thanks for always taking me along for your adventures. You never took no for an answer and still have this wonderful sense of leadership that I admire. I love watching you and your family grow. 

Hillary...girl I would be lost without you! You picked me up when I felt at my lowest and brought me into this bright and beautiful world of yours. When I think of college, I think of you.. You love so easily and never let me undervalue myself. Your energy is contagious and it makes my life better each and every day.

Sarah...I am so glad that we decided to room together. I always loved coming home and telling you about my day. Thank you for always listening to my stories and letting me be my weird self. You have the biggest heart and also aren't afraid to call me on my bullshit sometimes.

Bailey...I can't imagine anyone in the whole world not loving you. You exude this peace and kindness that always makes me feel loved and important. Plus, you have a bomb taste in music and books. I'm inspired by you as a fellow educator (I know your a speech-path, but that's a educator to me) and human being.

Skye...I love your honesty and work ethic. You always push me to be better. I also have so much fun with you, whether it's playing games or drinking wine, or just chatting over Marco Polo. I know I can always count on you to be there if I need you.

Kristi...Whenever I'm working through a problem and I send a video to the group about it, I'm waiting on your response because you are the problem solver I wish I was. Your passion for your job makes me so happy and I absolutely love how you are always willing to see things from another point of view before making a judgment. 

Will...When I was finishing my Master's thesis and was having a complete meltdown, you took time to text me all weekend to tell me how amazing I was doing and how everything was going to be worth it. You validated my feelings and truly got me through. You've pushed me ever since with words of encouragement or even a phone call to talk things through when I'm confused. 

And I can't forget my work friends. Thanks to Heidi and Christine for making me feel like a part of a work environment for the first time. Thanks to Patti and Elizabeth for giving me the confidence to try new things. Thanks to Karen for forcing me out of my desk last year to take breaks and to Melissa for calling me after work so we can debrief from our stressful days. 

I have the best friends. 

Why I Really Can Never Get Married

I've spent almost 30 years being single. Recently, I've realized this has absolutely ruined me for any incoming parties...not that I have any interested applicants. Sometimes I think it might be nice to have a boyfriend or a husband...and then I remember:

1. I set at least 5 alarms every morning. I snooze some of them while still asleep. I sleep through some completely. No one will live through this morning torture. 

2. My cat needs at least 2 solid hours of my undivided attention every night. And he ranks pretty high in my book.

3. My apartment regularly reflects the inner chaos of my mind. If I'm overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, or anxious, you better believe I just take my shoes off in the middle of the living room. Or let the dishes pile up. Once, last week, after a particularly stressful day, I dropped a piece of plastic on the floor and the act of picking it up seemed Herculean. 

4. My shower is already full. I have a different shower routine every day and have to fully stock with all the scrubs and conditioners. No shelf room available. 

5. On that same note, I am not willing or able to share a closet.

6. I am guaranteed to go off about the most asinine things. Once, my sister's boyfriend mixed up all my alphabetized spices in the kitchen and I was ENRAGED. 

7. I don't do quiet. This is my volume. It does not change. I will use that volume on a call with friends or singing in the shower. And is you shush me...see #6.

It's a very, very good thing I enjoy my own company. 😄

The Art of Stepping Back

 A few weeks ago, when Simone Biles dropped out of events at the Olympics, my first reaction was, "But you've worked so hard for this moment. Why are you wasting it?" It wasn't that she was letting me down or the United States down. I felt like she was letting herself down. What I didn't realize at that time was that she was, in fact, doing the opposite. She was holding herself together.

I haven't been posting lately because I've been completely overwhelmed at work. I respond to emails in my bed the second I wake up. I'm revising lesson plans as I absent-mindedly shovel dinner into my mouth. I teach kids in 5 different grade levels at two different schools at very definitely abilities. Sometimes I am teaching what sound "a" makes while simultaneously editing an essay. I stayed after school for over an hour today to coach other teachers on how to use a specific website. I ate cheese crackers in the car for lunch. I used speech-to-text to respond to a question from a principal.

Why are you doing all that?, you might ask. Trust me, my family and friends have been asking that for weeks. In some ways, while it doesn't sound like it, this is my dream job. I went back to school, even when I vowed to be done, because I became so passionate about English language learning. I willingly spent hours of my spare time learning about new technology to better engage and assess students because I love it. I'm always on the move and I get to interact with a wide variety of teachers and students every single day. I may not be a dazzling gymnast, but I'm good at this. 

Just because I CAN do all these things though, doesn't mean I have to do it all alone. Two weeks ago, we sat in a meeting and my boss handed out another responsibility to my already very crowded plate. As she explained the assignment, I glanced around the room. I thought, "If I don't do this, someone else will have to carry the burden. If I don't do this, I will look bad to my boss. If I don't do this, am I failing at this job?"

But then, finally, I thought of Simone Biles and thought, "If I DO this, I will hurt myself." Maybe I won't fall and break my legs or hit my head. But mentally, I will be injured. So, I turned to my boss (through tears I admit) and said, "I cannot do that. I am overwhelmed and this is too much." As she promptly handed over the task to a coworker, I felt guilty and selfish. It isn't selfish, though. If I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of my students. I can't be present for my coworkers. Like Simone, I have to assess my limits. I have to protect myself.

I still struggle with the art of stepping back. I probably will my whole life. I want to take care of people. The reality is doing everything for everyone all of the time isn't the only way to care. So I practice a little at a time. When a student came up to me for the 20th time, interrupting me with a question about a worksheet, I started to feel that overwhelmed, shaky feeling. So, first I physically stepped back. I took a breath to calm myself. Then I called another student over. "Could you work together on this? I think you can be a great team." I just graded the assignment. They got 100% and I didn't have to be there. So, if you're like me, take a step back, take a breath. Letting go doesn't always mean you are going to fall. 

Stop Should-ing Yourself

Do you ever have others direct a sentence to you that starts with, "You should..."? 

As a single, overweight, female teacher, who is definitely not a morning person and is very messy, I am bombarded by this sentence starter. In fact, I had this thought a few weeks ago and since then have counted 14 different times that someone said these exact words to me. That's about once a day on average. Most people mean well. They see a problem and they want to help you solve it. "You don't have a boyfriend? Well you should..." "That kid is failing your class? You should..." "You should try eating..." "You should join..." "You should do this for your hair/skincare routine." "You should go to bed at..." 

Every "should" can make me feel like something is wrong with me if they are suggesting that I need to fix it. If I'm seeking advice, that is different. For example, I seek out opportunities to become a better teacher and to better understand child psychology and learning styles. I am unafraid to ask for advice from expert teachers. But, without fail, every year a multitude of people in my life will give me advice about how to run my classroom or respond to my students when they haven't taken a single education class or taught a single day in a middle school classroom. I would never tell the engineers, pharmacists, accountants, or data analysts in my life how to do their job, but for some reason everyone thinks they could be better teachers. I know I am a good teacher and am doing a good job, but I feel undermined all the time. 

The same goes with other areas. If I ask someone where they got their hair done, I want to know. But when someone tells me about a product or diet I should try without prompting, they are saying, "You are not meeting the beauty standards. You need to look different." I know I am beautiful, but I start to second-guess my self-image. When someone gives me advice on how to "meet people", they are telling me I am not meeting societal standards and that being single at my age is somehow inherently wrong. I have actually often thought, "If I went out with someone, it would make my family/friends happy." Not thinking about what makes ME happy. 

Recently, I saw an ad campaign on TikTok from Halo Top ice cream. They start with people saying things like "I should eat healthy." Or "I should be productive" and then they say "Stop should-ing yourself." The actors then sit down on the couch and eat the ice cream. While the ad is nothing extraordinary, it has become my new motto. I can't internalize the things other people are telling me I should do. Waking up early or being a certain weight or being super-organized will not make me a better person. There are not Rules of Life. None. No checklist of how to be the perfect teacher or person. 

So instead of asking myself what I should be doing differently, I want to start asking this: 

What can I accept about myself? Does putting effort into changing this make me a better/kinder person? Instead of making rules about all things I should do in my daily life, I just want to follow one rule. The golden one. As long as I am treating everyone around me how I want to be treated, I am meeting my goal every day, even if I didn't check off every to-do on my calendar.