Stop Should-ing Yourself

Do you ever have others direct a sentence to you that starts with, "You should..."? 

As a single, overweight, female teacher, who is definitely not a morning person and is very messy, I am bombarded by this sentence starter. In fact, I had this thought a few weeks ago and since then have counted 14 different times that someone said these exact words to me. That's about once a day on average. Most people mean well. They see a problem and they want to help you solve it. "You don't have a boyfriend? Well you should..." "That kid is failing your class? You should..." "You should try eating..." "You should join..." "You should do this for your hair/skincare routine." "You should go to bed at..." 

Every "should" can make me feel like something is wrong with me if they are suggesting that I need to fix it. If I'm seeking advice, that is different. For example, I seek out opportunities to become a better teacher and to better understand child psychology and learning styles. I am unafraid to ask for advice from expert teachers. But, without fail, every year a multitude of people in my life will give me advice about how to run my classroom or respond to my students when they haven't taken a single education class or taught a single day in a middle school classroom. I would never tell the engineers, pharmacists, accountants, or data analysts in my life how to do their job, but for some reason everyone thinks they could be better teachers. I know I am a good teacher and am doing a good job, but I feel undermined all the time. 

The same goes with other areas. If I ask someone where they got their hair done, I want to know. But when someone tells me about a product or diet I should try without prompting, they are saying, "You are not meeting the beauty standards. You need to look different." I know I am beautiful, but I start to second-guess my self-image. When someone gives me advice on how to "meet people", they are telling me I am not meeting societal standards and that being single at my age is somehow inherently wrong. I have actually often thought, "If I went out with someone, it would make my family/friends happy." Not thinking about what makes ME happy. 

Recently, I saw an ad campaign on TikTok from Halo Top ice cream. They start with people saying things like "I should eat healthy." Or "I should be productive" and then they say "Stop should-ing yourself." The actors then sit down on the couch and eat the ice cream. While the ad is nothing extraordinary, it has become my new motto. I can't internalize the things other people are telling me I should do. Waking up early or being a certain weight or being super-organized will not make me a better person. There are not Rules of Life. None. No checklist of how to be the perfect teacher or person. 

So instead of asking myself what I should be doing differently, I want to start asking this: 

What can I accept about myself? Does putting effort into changing this make me a better/kinder person? Instead of making rules about all things I should do in my daily life, I just want to follow one rule. The golden one. As long as I am treating everyone around me how I want to be treated, I am meeting my goal every day, even if I didn't check off every to-do on my calendar. 

Being on a Losing Team

 I don't remember winning even one volleyball game in the 6 years that I played the sport. I am sure we won some, but I don't have memories of celebrations. I have memories of silent locker rooms and disappointed bus rides home. I never won a single swim competition, nor a field day event. Even speech and drama competitions were filled with constant 3rd or 4th place finishes. I watched my dad shout at the television or turn it off completely in anger whenever sports were on. Competitions with my siblings or cousins almost always ended in a fight. I started to learn to avoid competitions altogether. It was easier that way.

After all these experiences, I unsurprisingly didn't really want to buy season football tickets when I went to college. My parents thought differently and bought me the tickets for freshman year. I will never forget that first win in Memorial Stadium. The high-fives from strangers and my raw throat from cheering. How we jumped up and down in unison. None of us had anything to do with the outcome of that football game, but it was OUR team and I felt such pride and belonging for the first time in my life. I finally understood the value of being part of a "team" and the euphoria of a win. 

Phoenix is experiencing that shared euphoria right now. After years of disappointment, the Suns are a winning team. The jerseys and flags and billboards around town make me so happy. Even in a metropolitan area of 5 million people, I feel a sense of community. 

I think being a part of so many losing teams has made me a better person. I am better at managing my reactions and expectations. I have learned to find joy in activities without a "win" and can lose a competitive game without it affecting my self-worth. But I never lose hope in the win around the corner. Phoenix had the 2nd worst record in the league two years ago and the 2nd best in the league this year. Winning isn't everything, but we can keep dreaming and hoping and believing. And that's a beautiful thing. 

Things I Tell My Students That I Really Should Tell Myself

For the past six years, I have taught middle school. That means I have repeated the same instructions an awful lot. Those mantras I say over and over have become so ingrained in me that oftentimes, I don't even think about what I'm saying. The other night my self-talk was clamoring on and on about something in the future that I was worried about and suddenly something inside me said, "Let's not worry about that moment. What's going on in this moment?" This is something I say to kids that are overwhelmed with emotion all the time. I was giving myself advice from a teacher's perspective. So I wondered what other things I tell my student over and over should really be something I am telling myself. Here are some that I thought of:

1. "Noise turned off. Let's listen." I'm not a bad listener, but sometimes, like my students, I want to share my input or am thinking about my own reactions, I can interrupt others when they should have my undivided attention. Even my self-talk can be "noisy" and I need to focus on listening more deeply to the world around me. That is the best way to learn.

2. "If you don't know, ask." I get so irritated with students when they don't let me know what they need or what they don't understand. Questions shouldn't be a sign of weakness or inadequacy. They should be a sign that you are trying to be a better communicator and learner. I, like most middle schoolers, am fiercely independent, so asking for help can feel like failure. It's not. Asking for what I need is healthy. Asking for what I do no understand is how I grow.

3. "Close the computer." As a younger teacher, I have always taught in a digital world. My students have always had Chromebooks with them in the classroom (as well as cell phones for many). That means I am fighting to keep them away from this type of distraction all the time. I love technology. I'd consider myself a fairly "techie" teacher and I think the ways we learn though technology are amazing. But we have to unplug. Students have to be able to think and produce ideas without a hidden Youtube tab running. While I need my phone during the week, I am trying to spend less and less time online during my weekends, even if that means keeping my devices in a separate room. 

4. "What's going on in this moment?" Let's return to my mantra from the first paragraph. I learned this grounding technique in my very first year of teaching. I wasn't very good at using it then, but now I walk my students through it regularly with increased success. When students are freaking out over something that happened to them or was said to them by a classmate or if they are panicking about a future event or consequence, I start asking them questions about the current moment. For example "What do you smell right now?...What are two things you hear?....What are three sensations you are feeling (temperature, pain, texture)?...What are 4 colors you see around you? Noticing these things moves our minds on to a different task than what they are currently overloaded with. It gives my students a chance to calm down. Turns out, it worked for me too. 

So, I'm not much different that a 12-year-old student. We all are human and struggle with the same things. I just need to use my own advice a little more often. 

Writer's Block

 Well, it's officially been 2 entire months of blank stares at this page. It's so funny how sometimes, I have 10 ideas for what to write about and other times, I think every thought that passes through my mind is complete trash. Today is no different. I am not inspired. I don't have some cute/funny story to share or a lesson I learned. I needed to put something down on paper.

Last week, I practiced listening comprehension with my 6th grade English learners. I say simple sentences such as "The children walk along the river in the forest" and students write down exactly what I said. That may seem simple, but if you've ever learned a new language you know that making sense of sounds and translating them to words on paper can actually be super challenging. After the first sentence, one of my students threw down his pencil. I read all over his face the feeling of embarrassment. I picked up the pencil without reaction. I set it next to him and said, "Try again." I repeated the sentence. He refused to pick up the pencil again. I did not make a scene and moved on, but addressed him after class. 

"Do you think giving up helped you learn? Did it help you get better?" I asked.

"No, but I can't do it. I'm not a fast writer. I'm just going to fail."

I wanted to lecture him about trying his best all the time, but honestly, that's ridiculous. I don't try my best at every task I am asked to do. In fact, I actively avoid activities I am not good at such as art or sports. I get frustrated and embarrassed too. 

All I said was this: "I think you will feel a whole lot better getting on that bus today if you write something down on this paper. Can we try one more time? No grade. No sharing. Just writing three words." 

He hesitantly nodded, tears in his eyes. He listened and wrote the words "I can write." 

So, today, I take my own advice. I wrote something down. It may not have been my best day, but I proved I could do it. I can write. I will have better ideas soon. Stay tuned. 

Setting Myself Up for Failure

 This morning as I dragged myself out of bed, I already had a to-do list running through my head. Was it an important day filled with engagements? No. It was a typical Monday. The only things expected of me by others were to show up to work and teach my lessons. The list is totally made-up obligations that I have somehow collected and hold myself accountable for. By 7:45 a.m., I had failed. I was running late and didn't have time to put lotion on. I forgot to grab my water bottle and now I would struggle to drink my 80 ounces of water for the day. I always curl my hair on odd numbered days and instead had lazily thrown it up in a ponytail. I beat myself up on the way to the car. What a way to start a day. 

On Mondays, I have to take out the trash. On the first of the month, I need to trim my cat's nails and pay all my bills and clean my car out. Every day, I must walk and work out and read 2 chapters and practice Spanish. If I don't, I better double it up tomorrow. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Saturdays, I need to cook a full meal even though it's only me eating it. On Mondays and Thursdays, I exfoliate and shave and pluck my eyebrows and clip my own nails. On Fridays and Sundays I do laundry. I have to reach out to a friend every day and my parents at least every 3. Better not forget to clean the floors and the bathrooms once a week. And hike once a week. And swim once a week when it gets warm enough. Why this schedule? What is the reasoning? What is the importance? I have absolutely no idea. 

If I followed these regimens regularly, you might label me as OCD or neurotic. But I never, ever do. I set myself up for failure every single day. This afternoon, I came home from work exhausted and sat down trying to write this blog post because it was "late." As if this was a job. I laughed when I saw the topic I had written down for myself to blog about and took a nap instead. I needed a nap because I keep myself up at night even when I'm exhausted just to "finish my list." I hurt my foot this weekend and could barely walk, but was so worried about not getting my daily walk in that I did 4 arm workouts yesterday instead. 

I had a conversation with a friend recently that my car is my favorite place to be. Sometimes I take a really long drive home just so I can stay in it longer. Sometimes I pull into a parking spot and sit there for 15 minutes before moving on with my day. I realized that the reason I love that time so much is because those minutes in the car are the only moments of the day where I'm not expecting myself to be doing anything else. I can't do any other task. Just drive.  

I think if I woke up with the mentality of "just driving" through my day, I might actually be more productive because I wouldn't get overwhelmed and shut down. I don't have a to-do list at work and somehow everything gets done because I just keep driving, taking on one task at a time. It's currently 10:30 p.m. and I haven't worked out. I didn't do my Spanish practice. I only read one chapter. But it's okay. I don't have to stay up until 1:00. I don't have to make those things up tomorrow. I can shower and go to bed now. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Easier said than done. 

Go Ahead and Reach Out

 Something that a lot of people assume about me is that I enjoy being alone. It is true I am unafraid to go to a movie or out to eat on my own. I love the stillness of a solo hike and the freedom of traveling with only my own destinations in mind. Even this weekend, I am looking forward to having the apartment to myself. However, that doesn't mean I don't want to talk to others. In this pandemic, more than any other time, I have learned how much I crave human interaction. 

"They don't want to hear from me." "They are busy with their significant other." "It will make me seem desperate or lonely." These are things I have told myself my entire adult life. Recently, I have decided these assumptions are just plain wrong. 

A few weeks back, a friend asked me if it would be weird if she bought a birthday gift for a friend she just met. "Everyone appreciates a gift," I said. The truth is, everyone appreciates being thought of in general. When a friend calls me or messages me, even if they are just needing to vent, I always feel good that they thought of me. 

Asking someone for advice isn't automatically a burden. It shows that you trust them and their opinion. Asking someone if they want to do something with you doesn't make you seem desperate. It makes them feel sought after. And while a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife or especially children can create less time for other relationships, it shouldn't be a reason to not reach out. 

I've realized that most people, like me, are hoping others will reach out to them. We are all like middle schoolers with crushes, self-conscious about how others perceive us and so fearful of being rejected, that we wait for others to come to us. Have I been ignored or rejected? Of course. But have some of my best memories started for taking a chance and reaching out to someone that I wanted to hang out with? Definitely. 

You Deserve to Eat

 I know a lot of people are starting the year with diets. Maybe you are avoiding carbs or added sugar. Maybe you are loading up on protein or drinking gallons of water each day. Whatever you are doing, I hope that is going well. I am rooting you on with whatever you do. But for anyone out there that needs to hear this, you deserve to eat. Even if you didn't go to the gym today. Even if the number on the scale isn't what you'd like. Even if you ate a big breakfast. You are worthy of food when you are hungry. Period. I am so tired of us demonizing food and therefore ourselves or others who eat those foods. 

To the coworker who walks by the bowl of Starburst on my desk each day with a pained look on her face because that one piece of candy is totally off-limits, I really wish you'd enjoy a moment of bliss on the way back to your desk. 

To the coworker who makes comments about how much she needs to lose every single day, I think you are wonderful and I hope you can appreciate many things your body can do in spite of any number.

To the coworker who watches what everyone else eats at lunch and tries to explain her choices for her own meal, you don't have to justify your own worth. I wish you would start enjoying your lunch instead of stressing about it. And when I don't eat, it is because I promise I'm just not hungry. I'm not better than you. 

And most importantly, to myself, guilt should not be an ingredient of any food. It was okay to trash that broccoli because it didn't taste good. It was okay that you ate that whole plate of nachos when you were really hungry. No matter what my size, I deserve to eat.