Knowing Others. Knowing Yourself.

Middle-schoolers know everything.

Didn't you know?

They know the release date for the newest pair of Jordan's

And every word recited by Lil Uzi Vert.

They know that Mrs. ____ hates them.

And that reading class will always be boring. 

They know Steph Curry is a god

And that they will be famous like him one day.

As they are trying so hard to know everything,

making assumptions and spitting out unquestionable facts

as quick as the shot of a gun,

I am quick with a counterattack

of all the things I don't know.

"I don't know what you do after school.

I don't know your greatest fears.

I don't know what makes you laugh

or who you trust to hold your secrets.

I don't know you."

"But you want to know something?

You may not be able to choose your teachers,

or your chores, or your classes, or even your family,

but you can choose who you share your life with.

I'm here to listen if you want.

You don't have to tell me anything about yourself.

I don't need to know." 

.........................................................................

As I grow older, more people "know" me.

Didn't I know? 

They know I'm loyal

and will always show up.

They know I'm forgetful

and shouldn't be trusted.

They know I'm shy.

I just need to "open up."

They know I'm loud.

And tap me to remind me to quiet down.

As they are trying so hard to remind me of who I am,

giving me advice and assuring me of their camaraderie

grasping at this rope between us,

I am starting to understand

that even I don't yet really know myself.

I don't know who I want to be when I "grow up."

I don't know how to be less stressed.

I don't know what will bring me the most joy.

I don't know how to find balance.

I'm still figuring it out.

But you want to know something?

I may not be the best teacher or friend, or daughter.

I may not say the right things.

I may say way too much.

But I am lucky enough to have people that will listen.

And I still, have that power to choose

to whom I hand the keys to my life.

Holding Onto the Happiness

My last blog post was titled "Letting the Lonely Out" and focused on how I'm working to share when I'm lonely with others. My other goal for this summer is in some ways on the opposite end of the spectrum, but is equally inspired by Brown's Braving the Wilderness. Have I mentioned you should read that book yet? A lot of the advice and thoughts that Brown shares in this book make me think "Obviously. That makes so much sense." But one part genuinely was new thought to me. It was a section I read over and over and reflected on a lot. It started like this:

I believe joy is probably the most vulnerable emotion we experience. We're afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel it, we'll be blindsided by disaster or disappointment. 

My first reaction to this was complete disagreement. Joy is so easy to experience! Everyone loves to be happy and laugh. Why would that be difficult?

But how many times has someone told me "I'm so happy for you," and I've responded, "Oh it's no big deal." or "It won't last" or even "It's really not that exciting." I downplay joy like it's my job. Almost every time something is going right in my life, I start to imagine how it could go wrong. Sometimes, I feel a lot of guilt when I'm happy too. When I'm in a moment of great joy, I think about those who don't have the same happiness or great experiences in life that I do and work to downplay the situation to make that feeling go away too. 

So what's the solution? According to Brown, the remedy is gratitude. Instead of worrying about the negative possibilities or how anyone else might feel about it, just take a moment to feel gratitude. I used to try to think of things I was grateful for every night before I went to bed, and I think that is a practice I could get back into to help me hold on to happiness rather than tossing it to the side. 

I probably won't make any friends on this trip. I am so grateful that I get to go on an amazing trip and see and experience new things. 

He probably doesn't really like me.  I am grateful that I had a great conversation with a  friend today. 

I probably did all this work in grad school for nothing.  I am so grateful that I was able to learn and grow as a person by continuing my education.

It was probably be bad weather.  I'm thankful that I get to go outside today and breathe in some fresh air, no matter the weather. 

They probably just put up with me because they know I'll be the DD.  I'm thankful that my friends trust me and want me to be around. 

That's how we hold onto happiness. Joy is such an amazing emotion. Why let go of it? It is difficult, but gratitude in the face of joy is a goal I am making for this summer. Do you have summer goals? Feel free to comment and share! 

Letting The Lonely Out

I think the idea of loneliness is uncomfortable. Not to the person who is lonely, but to others. Stay with me on this one. So, if a friend tells you they are "frustrated", you know exactly what to do. You let them talk about it and give advice. If a family member is "upset" or "angry" or even "sad", you probably have a go-to response, such taking them out for ice cream or hugging them. But if someone tells you, "I'm lonely", I think we tend to step back instead of reaching forward. It's as if loneliness is contagious or taboo. We feel bad, but we also feel uncomfortable.

That's why it's so hard for people to share loneliness. We hear stories of self-harm or suicide all the time and think "Why didn't he/she tell someone?" Maybe it was so that he/she didn't feel "weird" or like something was innately wrong with her/him. Maybe it was because he/she didn't want to inflict that feeling of discomfort we've all experienced on anyone else. I'm not saying this is always the case by any means. I do think the way we react to loneliness makes sharing difficult. As a person who gets lonely often, I know how pressured I feel to act like I'm not. I don't want others to think less of me. I don't want others to feel pity for me. I want to feel normal, so I act like I feel nothing.

I'm going to quote Brene Brown again for this post, as I'm currently reading Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. In her book about making connections with other people, she states early on that, "denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying you feel hunger." We can act all we want. It's a human experience and it doesn't go away through sheer will power. In fact, she has a lot of research to back it up. Take at look at this one: "Living with air pollution increases your odds of dying early by 5 percent. Living with obesity, 20 percent. Excessive drinking 30 percent. And living with loneliness? It increase our odds of dying early by 45 percent." Isn't that insane?

So recently, I've been trying to reach out whenever I feel a surge of loneliness. Am I making my friends and family uncomfortable or worried because of it? Most likely. Does it make me feel bad? Oftentimes yes. But, it also feels better than burying it. I feel relieved that I'm not the only one holding it. I sleep better after making even a small human connection rather than pretending I'm fine and not texting/calling/talking to anyone. So, if anyone out there ever feels super alone, talk to someone. Talk to me. Let it out. You'll feel better.

Great Reads for Middle School That Aren't Classics

In order to change it up this quarter (for my sanity as much as the kids'), I started book clubs this quarter in my reading classes. When searching for books over the past two years for this endeavor, I have discovered that everyone wants middle-schoolers to read really old books. Almost every list of recommendations online included The Outsiders, The Giver, A Wrinkle in Time, The Hobbit, The Bridge to Terabithia, The Witch of Blackbird Pone, and Tuck Everlasting. I love all of those books. I really do want my kids to read titles like those. I offered most of them as options. But I also really wanted them to be invested in the books without me having to sell them. I wanted to buy new books and books that they would pick up in the library on their own if given the chance. There are some really, really good ones out there. So here's my list of some modern middle school reads that are worth giving a chance. 

1. Orbiting Jupiter by Gary D. Schmidt

Here's the description of this book: "When Jack meets his new foster brother, he already knows three things about him: Joseph almost killed a teacher. He was incarcerated at a place called Stone Mountain. He has a daughter. Her name is Jupiter. And he has never seen her." I mean what kid doesn't want to read that book after reading that? Kids love things that seem real and this feels very real. It's a book with themes that make my students think and it's a SAD book. Man, I'm waiting for the part when I have to send half my class to the counseling office because they are crying in my class. I think this is good for kids though to build empathy. I remember how much I cried reading Where the Red Fern Grows, but it didn't make me love that book any less.

2. Jackaby by William Ritter

This debut novel is a bit of  Sherlock Holmes meets the paranormal. It's adventurous. It's mysterious. And it's funny. I like the fact that kids are invested in the case. I also like that it's a series so kids can continue their reading quest if they like it afterwards. It's not a difficult read and is accessible for middle school students. 

3. The Crossover/Booked by Kwame Alexander

These are two different books, but I'm pushing them together because they are very similar. Both are written in a cool poetry format and have protagonists that are middle school athletes dealing with more off the field or court than on it. They really capture teenage angst as well as how teenagers really cope with family drama (it's not always a pretty reaction). My kids are invested in these books and once again the real issues (death, divorce, bullying, crushes, sibling rivalry) feel genuine. 

4. I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai and Patricia McCormick

This is my only nonfiction pick, but my students gravitated toward this because it was true. It tells the story of when the Taliban took control of Swat Valley in Pakistan and one girl who refused to be silenced and fought for her right for an education. This led to her being shot at point-blank range at the age of 15 while riding a bus to school. I chose the Young Readers Version for my kids and it is perfect reading level for my low readers. It makes students put themselves in someone else's shoes. My kids ask questions every single day as they read and I can see them Googling political figures and historical facts all the time. I love anything that makes my kids wonder. 

5. Maybe A Fox by Kathi Appelt and Alison McGhee

When one sister goes missing into thin air one day, the other has to stumble into grief and heartbreak. A missing girl is always a way to grab attention, but this book is different than a typical mystery. It really dives into the superstitions of a group of people and how and how we all cope differently after tragedy. It is truly a beautiful book and its honestly grips you like most novels for middle school students can't do. I was unsure of how readily my students would attach to such realities, but one student told me just last week "Reading this book is the best thing I've ever done in school." High praise, I'd say. 

6. Bruiser by Neal Schusterman

This one is not quite as new as the others on my list, but this is my 2nd year in a row using it in my classroom. I really like it. It is a story about Brewster "Bruiser" Rawlins, a boy everyone in school is scared of. Behind his scary exterior is a boy in fear because he is very different from everyone else. He has a special power. I don't want to give away the whole book, because it worth a read, but I will say that the debate about whether this power is a blessing or a curse is one of the best discussions I've ever had with my students. It's a weird enough book to be sort of magical, but real enough for kids to relate to the characters personally. 

7. Okay for Now by Gary D. Schmidt

This one is also a bit older and it comes from the same author as Orbiting Jupiter, but I think it needs its own spot on this list. It is a beautiful coming-of-age novel about a boy that is new to town and has to adjust not only to a new school, but also deal with a abusive father and try to understand his older brother who has just returned from Vietnam and will never be the same. It is a companion book for The Wednesday Wars if you have ever read that, but this, in my opinion, was much more powerful. 

8. Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson

Like the Kwame Alexander books, this one is written in poetry format. That is a new trend and for reluctant readers, a trend I really like. Jacqueline Woodson has always been an author I'd admire and this autobiography is as moving as I'd have expected. Woodson was raised in South Carolina and New York and always felt halfway home in each place. Her poems show how African Americans were treated in both urban and rural settings in the 1960s and 1970s. They are poems about childhood and poems about big issues and poems about what gives us fire and passion. Just good stuff. 

9. Doll Bones by Holly Black

I just happened upon this story on accident. Found it on audiobook in the library and thought it would be a good background story while I was walking at they gym. It is a story about three kids who have been friends forever and create a magical world using the action figure toys. But, then, without warning, Zach's father throws out all his toys and declares he is too old for them. Zach, furious and confused and embarrassed, has to decide how to "grow up" and whether he can be friends with Poppy and Alice. He makes this transition during an adventure to solve a mystery of a haunted china doll (that is creepy enough to get the kids reading). I thought it was a little creepy, had adventure, and was incredibly honest. I will keep it as an option for my readers for sure. 

Do you have any recommendations for middle school readers? I am ALWAYS looking for a good new book to suggest to my class. Feel free to comment and let me know. 

Go Where the Wind Takes You...Or Make the Jump?

I am a control freak. I like to be in charge of my own life and make my own decisions. Maybe it's an oldest child side effect or maybe it's an inherited trait from my father. Possibly, it's because of how I was raised or due to the fact that I've never been a relationship that forced me to pull back. Regardless, I naturally don't like to wait around for things to happen. I like to make them happen.

But, for the past 5 years or so, I have made a very conscious effort to "go with the flow." I found out in college that many of my best moments weren't planned ahead of time, but happened when I just went wherever the day/night took me. I try to release the reigns whenever possible and say "yes" to opportunities that come along. As a general rule, although uncomfortable to me at times, this has served me very well. I have met amazing people, tried new things, and learned a lot about myself from taking chances and experiencing whatever has come my way.

The problem is, sometimes I struggle to find the line between riding and driving. If I just keep riding the waves of my life, things may never change. I might stay at my same job in my same town doing the same things forever. I may do what everyone else wants me to do and not do what I envision for myself. But jumping into the driver's seat has caused me to make bad decisions (and purchases) many times too. For example...

*If I hadn't made a bold decision, I wouldn't be going to Italy this summer.
*If I hadn't made a bold decision, I wouldn't be getting Master's degree.
*If I hadn't made the bold decision to walk into a stranger's dorm room on a lonely night, I would never have made one of my best friends.

*If I had made a bold decision to leave my job after a stressful first year like I wanted, I wouldn't be doing the job I love now.
*If I had made the bold decision to go meet people I just met on dating apps, I most definitely would have put myself in awkward situations instead of realizing they were creeps through text message at a safe distance away.
*If I had made the bold decision to say "no" to three jobs, I probably wouldn't be able to afford that trip or that degree.

See that crazy line? So, you can go with the flow or you can make the jump.  Either way, you might not get what you want. Either way, amazing things might happen.

Turn the Camera Around...Or Just Turn It Off

Over spring break, I took on the task of cleaning out my parents' very cluttered computer. I trashed hundreds of documents, but I didn't touch a single photograph. Photos are amazing. So are videos. They capture moments of our life and people who mean the most to us.

Luckily, we live in a time when we all have cameras at our fingertips to collect these moments. But we also live in a time where we can find photos of almost anything on the Internet. So photos can lose their value unless they are personal.

For example, I went to an NBA game a few weeks ago. Since most of my students are big LeBron James fans, I made a point of taking many, many photos and videos of him playing. Do you know what there favorite photo was? The one of me in front of the court. They can see LeBron play every single day from their phones or computers. They don't know anyone personally who has watched him play. So they wanted to see me there. They wanted to hear my stories. They wanted to know exactly where I sat and how many people were there and how it felt and what surprised me.

Last week, I went to a concert. It was entertaining and exhilarating and an all-around good experience. But, at any given moment, my view of Andy Grammer was blocked by at least 5 cell phones recording the concert. Are those people really going to go back and watch a grainy reproduction of that concert? If they want to see him perform, go to Youtube. Do they prefer to watch him in that small screen when they could see it live in front of them? I doubt it. They just wanted to capture a moment that seemed meaningful. I'm not saying I didn't have my phone out. But most of the time, I turned the camera around. I filmed my friends and their smiles. I filmed us dancing and singing. I believe those are the photographs that I'll come back years from now and will make me smile. Those are the ones I will clog my phone or computer up with because they are worth it.

Like I said, photos are magical things. I wish all the time that I had more than one photo with Moriah. Or more with my grandfathers. So take pictures of people that matter. You'll want those. But the mountains or celebrities or buildings or sports teams? You can skip it. Use your eyes instead.

To Be Needed

I think we don't acknowledge nearly enough the importance humans place in being needed by others. We try to "take care" of our significant others or family members or friends because when we feel they need us for something, it fills a piece of ourselves. While my mother calls me a "pleaser", I think my pleasing of others is a much more selfish act that it might sound. I work extra shifts at my second and third jobs not because I want to help people out, but because it feels good to be needed in those roles. Many people have pets (or even children) because having something or someone dependent on you gives you purpose.

Recently, I've had really bad anxious energy. I feel the need to be doing something all the time...but can't settle on just one thing. I write two sentences for my graduate thesis and get up and grab an unsatisfying snack and then decide to go to the gym but never really finish a full workout. I call people up with nothing to say and read without remembering. I have been planning lessons for school that have no coherent flow at all. I'm jumping from task to task and never feeling satisfied. My Fitbit has tracked a total of 2 hours of "deep sleep" for the entire week. 

It wasn't until I was lying here, on another sure-to-be sleepless night, that I realized these feelings might be connected to this feeling of need. As an oldest child, I always wanted to take care of my siblings, but they are now fully capable adults that don't need me. As I gain my tenure at the end of this school year, I no longer have to work quite as hard to show administrators how much they need me. As I trudge through a final quarter of teaching, I feel like I could be just as easily replaced with any teacher and the kids don't need me. I'm meeting all my professional and personal goals in life and so are all my friends and family around me (which is seriously awesome!) and it should be an amazing, incredible time in my life (I'm graduating with a Master's and going to Italy this year!), but I think I often believe I could leave the country and not be missed at all. No one would need me to come back. And that scares me.

I know I'm not alone in this feeling. I believe it is part of the human condition to feel this way. So, if you need people, don't be afraid to tell them. Even if it's for little things. "I really need you to look over this paper for me. You have a good eye." "I really need to talk to you. You are a great listener." Or make it big. "I need you in my life. You are important to me." You may think they already know, but you might be surprised.