Who Am I?

Have you ever seen a Facebook profile with the person never smiling? Or a dating app profile with the person sitting on the couch in every picture? My guess is that you haven't. That's because profile pages are a place to present ourselves as we want to look to others. We want to show others we are happy and successful and have our lives together. We want to show we do fun things on a daily basis. Maybe we want to show we are artsy or creative on Instagram or Pinterest.  I mean not all of us are climbing mountains or skiing or ziplining every day, but what dating profile doesn't have the obligatory "adventurous" picture?

Whether it's because I live in a world of social media or because it is just a natural human instinct, I know that I am constantly "editing" myself and trying to be the best me for the situation and context. Because of that, I often feel like I lose my core self.  Most of my friends would tell you I am very "chill" and laid-back. My family or students would tell you the opposite. Sometimes, I wish my friends could see me take charge and be the control freak that I often am. More often, I wish I could show how relaxed I can be to family instead of taking over conversations and decisions so often. A while back, I had a wonderful day at work and thought, "I wish other people in my life could see this "me." This is the "me" I like best."

Isn't that a weird thought? Why didn't I just enjoy the day? Why does it even matter what anyone else sees or thinks?

This is something I think about a lot, but haven't ever adequately put into words. This week, though, one of the characters in my book really spoke to me on this subject. In the story, she gets a nose piercing and talks about how she kept seeing herself from outside her body. She was hoping this look would capture the personality she wanted to show to others. Later, she sees her father's reaction to the piercing and feels instantly bad because she now doesn't fit the "good daughter" persona anymore. Throughout the book, she talks about how everyone dresses each day with someone specific in mind, whether it's a boss, parent, crush, husband, or new friend. She looks at herself from the outside instead of how she feels inside her body.

"Quinn wondered why she didn't stick in her own body more...why did she slip out of it so easily? Why wasn't her obligation to herself more binding? What if she slipped out of her body one time and forgot to come back?" --The Whole Thing Together by Ann Brashares

Something about that line really speaks to me. I "slip out" of myself all the time. I've never heard anyone describe it that way, but so often I'm not even really a part of the conversations I take part in. I feel like I'm watching them as a bystander. I look at myself in the mirror with other people's eyes.

As someone who prides myself on my independence and self-efficacy, this is a nagging thought. I have been  working hard to be more present in myself. This is why I started going on hikes alone this summer, trying to ground myself. Unfortunately, most of my hikes involved thoughts of pictures I could post on Snapchat or other people who would like this trail or how out of shape I looked when climbing a hill. I had to keep stopping myself. Stare at that sunset. Take a deep breath. Listen to the breeze in the trees.

I'm also trying to ask myself what I like and who I am a lot more. Do I actually like this or do I want others to think I like this? Am I editing my reaction based on the audience? Who do I really want to be for ME? Who the heck am I? I'm still working on it. I probably always will be. But if I find any answers, I'll keep you posted.

My "Me Too" Post

Over the past week, all over social media, there has been a trend of women writing "Me Too" to indicate an experience they have had with sexual assault or sexual harassment. When I first saw this circulating, I chose to ignore it. It wasn't because I didn't agree with the intent. I just knew it was another social media fad that would be forgotten in a few weeks. If people don't believe women testifying in court about these things, who is going to believe a Facebook post? But I kept scrolling through comments of "I can't believe that" and "Wow, I'm so sorry." This confused me. The definition of sexual harassment is "unwanted advances or obscene comments." What woman hasn't experienced that? I'd say almost every woman I know has. Personally, I plan grocery trips for high volume hours because of the times I have been followed into the parking lot. I've been grabbed at bars so hard I bruised. I've been called all kinds of names just for saying "No thank you."  This is not a rare or shocking occurrence.

For some reason, though, it seems that so many people think this is a problem for others and doesn't happen in their worlds. I had a friend tell me once that her dad thought catcalling wasn't a thing in Nebraska. She said it happened to her about once a week. I've had people from small towns act like "predators" are only in cities. The time in my life that I was sexually harassed the most was in high school in a small town. There was a boy that made me feel uncomfortable almost every day for a year. He would corner me when I was alone and make sexual comments daily and touch me as we went by in the hallway. He wasn't some criminal. He was a nice boy from a good family that was friends with all of my friends. He went to church. He was someone all the teachers and parents loved. I spent most the time thinking something was wrong with me for not liking the attention. I'm not writing this to bash this guy or to get pity. I honestly don't think he thought he was doing anything wrong. I just want to point out that this is not an isolated or "other" problem. This is about men feeling like they have the right to say of do whatever they want to women.

Thanks for letting me vent a bit, Internet friends. Have a great week. As I tell my students whenever they leave the room, "Work hard. Be kind."

Striking a Balance

The older I get, the more I realize that no one has it all together. I used to think it was just me. I hoped eventually I would "grow up" and start cleaning and making regular meals and going to the gym everyday. I wanted to be a teacher who wasn't staying at school until 6:00 at night and still struggling to get by day to day. I wanted to write in my blog every week and pay my bills on the same date every month. Some days, I just wanted to be a person that got a regular amount of sleep each night.

So far, I haven't gotten good at any of these things. I'm perpetually behind on everything. I'm sleep-deprived, throwing lessons together, not healthy, and just basically a mess. And I don't even have anyone to take care of besides myself. The secret? Neither does anyone else. When you really get to know someone and peek behind those curtains, even the "perfect" people have problems. So many people are trying to balance work life and home life and social life and personal time and most people are falling behind in at least one area. Even those who aren't often have vices to deal or have anxiety or depression as a side effect of being so perfect.

I'm only human and I can't do it all. There are only 24 hours in a day. I still hope I keep getting better, but I may never get to the point where I have it all together. But I guess I'll just make the most of it. One step at a time. One goal at a time.

What It Means to Be a Fan

After 7 seasons of being a Husker/Husker alum, I have seen my fair share of Husker football fans. I've stood in the student section for over 40 games, so mostly I see students, ranging from nervous/excited freshmen to seniors with face paint and staked out spots. But for the past 3-4 years, I have sat behind the band, closer to the general East stadium crowd with families with hands filled with hot dogs and ice cream and senior citizens with cans who somehow still sit through the entire game, no matter the weather.

No matter what we say about being the "best fans in college football", there are many fans that are arrogant and rude. There are many that don't care an inkling about football and spend most of their time on their phone, getting just the right filter on their picture. But there are a LOT of amazing fans too. Those who stick it out, even when we aren't very good. Those that cheer and clap and encourage always. That's the fan I always hope to be because being a fan of any team in any sport shouldn't really be about the win-loss record.

Yeah, that's right. Hard to believe, huh? Isn't that what sports are all about? You wouldn't believe how many people look at me with pity when I tell them I have season tickets in seasons that aren't going so well. There are people (from Nebraska) who tell me I should find a different team to cheer on who has a better record. Sure, it sucks to be invested in a game and watch it turn into a loss, but that's part of the experience. There are no great highs without lows.

I bring this up this week because my friend and I have a regular seat buddy at the home games this year. He is a man who I would guess is in his 50s. He comes alone, stands in the student section, and screams the entire game. He drives us insane, honestly. He rarely has a good thing to say and has a very vocal suggestions for absolutely everything. I thought, "Why do you watch it if it makes you so upset?" I go to games for the sense of community and the adrenaline rush and anticipation for something I've never seen and the pure love of the sport and for hope--no matter the opponent. He talks to no one, seems stoic, never gives compliments on positive plays, and seems to have no hope at all. So why does he come? Why does he spend over 3 hours on his feet? Why does he pay the money for a ticket? I really genuinely want to know. What makes fans like that continue to be fans? No solution or catharsis on this post, just thoughts and questions.

Happy Sunday and Go Huskers!

Resumé Virtues vs. Eulogy Virtues

On the first week of school, I opened up a question forum for my students. I said, ask any question you want about me or this class or school or anything. That night, as I read through everything from "What's your favorite color?" to "Will we ever have homework?", I stumbled upon a very different question. The question was, "What do you value most in other people?" I have no idea where such a question came from. I don't know if the student Googled "interesting questions" or heard this in another class or even who asked it (the survey was anonymous), but it made me stop and really think. Wow. What do I value the most?

I am currently reading a book called The Road to Character by David Brooks. I am only about half-way through and have mixed thoughts about it as a whole, but the intro definitely hooked me. Basically, the author says there are two different types of virtues: those that you want to present on a resumé and those someone would present in your eulogy. The first kind bring you external success. They tend to be valued in our everyday lives the most. I tell myself that I have these all the time. We are taught to look for these in ourselves so that we can get a job. The entire interview process is picking out the best of these virtues. I am a problem solver and I am hard-working and I am a good communicator.

But will anyone say any of these things at my funeral?

Probably not. Because no matter how much they matter to my everyday life, they aren't lingering virtues. No one cares how well I communicated after I am gone. What people really value are traits like kindness and bravery and honesty and patience. Those are the things that build meaningful relationships. Those are the things the make us who we are on a much deeper level.

I know for sure I value these eulogy virtues in others. As an example, I once had a coworker at a previous job that was my absolute favorite to work with. She came in with a smile and always asked how you were. You genuinely felt she cared about your response. She was kind to absolutely everyone regardless of their attitude that day and made everyone feel like her friend. And you know what? She was awful at her job. She was constantly playing games on her phone during work. She was spacy and forgot to do things. As a boss, I probably wouldn't hire her, but as a human being, I don't think I will ever forget her genuine compassion.

So what was my answer to the student's question? I came back to school the next morning without a clear answer, but I was thinking about that former coworker of mine. When I got to that period, I realized I had trouble picking something because in every category I chose, I felt like I personally fell short. I really had to confront my own weaknesses. So I told my students the truth, "I loved that question. I have to tell you, I can't really decide. I value effort. But I don't always work as hard as I should. I value education and intelligence, but I still have a lot to learn. And I really value kindness. But sometimes I'm not very kind. I think what is most important is that we just try to be better every day. Not just better at reading, but better as people."

I still am not convinced this was the right answer, but I didn't want to ignore the question altogether either. I do know I have been thinking about how awfully self-centered I usually am and how I need to consider the effort I am putting into relationships and compassion I am presenting to others. I'm hoping I can stop focusing on being the best teacher or student and just try to be a better person.

You Are What You Say You Are

When I was in driver's education when I was fifteen, I remember after a test drive my instructor asked me "Do you think you did a good job?"

I put my head down and mumbled, "Not really."

I'm not sure why I said that. I hadn't made any major mistakes and had followed all of his directions. I was just sure he was going to give me negative feedback so I wanted to agree.

He was silent for several seconds until I looked up at him. Then he said, "And that's exactly your problem. You were so nervous about messing up that you were not driving smoothly and actually prone to make more mistakes because you lacked confidence. You are what you say you are. So, tell yourself you're a good driver. Or at least that you are going to be a good driver."

Now, anyone that has rode in a car with me will tell you this advice did not make me a better driver. But it did stick with me. There have been several moments in my life when I'm freaking out about something and I stop and tell myself, "No, I am not failing. I am letting nerves get in the way of my success. Be confident. I am good at _______."

Sometimes it really works. If I tell myself enough times that I am a good cook or a good writer or a good speaker or a good listener, I tend to actually improve on those things. Confidence is motivating.

I really noticed the difference confidence can make this week. This is my third year of teaching Reading and I have become comfortable and confident in how to teach these kids this curriculum in this classroom setting. This year, though, I added a reading course in a different classroom across the school. Same curriculum, but different classroom set-up and procedures and a transition to and from a new place. Every day this week, my classes went smooth all day except for this class. It had nothing to do with the students or technology or any outside variable. It all had to do with my self-confidence.

I didn't feel like a "good teacher" in this unfamiliar setting and therefore the lessons were jumbled, the materials misplaced, my feedback often unhelpful. They were the SAME lessons I did in my classroom across the building, but every day just this one class you could tell I was nervous, which made me a worse teacher. So I keep telling myself this weekend, "You are good at this. You can teach this stuff anywhere. Make this new place yours. Teach these kids like you know you can." Hopefully it helps (at least a bit more than it helped my dismal driving skills.)  

Working Nights

School starts next week and today marked the beginning of staff meetings, lesson planning, and laying out a classroom. Last night marked the first night shift. No, I wasn't at the school last night, but at 2:00 am, my brain was definitely on the clock. Already, I was considering how best to accommodate a student with a disability that I haven't even met yet. Already, I was considering who I should pair up as table partners and what supplies I still need. I was brainstorming first-week activities and what topics/articles I should use to teach each strategy. By 2:30, I knew I had to just give in, sit up, and open my computer to jot down notes. I wrote an agenda for a meeting today as well as personal to-do list before I could relax enough to fall asleep.

And tonight, I'll probably reflect on exactly what I did or didn't get done/do well today. The cycle repeats. A teacher's job is never done. Honestly, the next few weeks should be a breeze. I have completed my two awful summer grad classes. I am done working at Haymarket Park for the season. I have more resources than I ever have going into a school year. I'm not doing the after-school program anymore. Teaching, however, always affects me like this, no matter how "caught up" I am. It isn't a part-time job in which I forget the whole process and the customers as soon as I walk out. It isn't a class that has a final grade. It is a process that is always changing based on your students and curriculum and the learning you do as a teacher. Even when a day at school goes well, I know it could have gone better.  I know that I should find ways to relax and should stop thinking so much. But I also know that just isn't going to happen. As long as I'm a teacher, I'll be pulling night shifts. However, I am confident that the thought and care I put in does matter to my kids, so I guess the long hours are worth it.