How I Want You to See Me

When I was a kid, I used to get really angry. Really, really angry. I'd lash out, usually at my siblings, and I'd physically shake...and I couldn't figure out why. As I got older, I also started to withdraw a lot. I'd be at a basketball game or family birthday party or at lunch in my high school and suddenly feel a strong pull to disconnect or leave completely. People would ask me what had happened and I really couldn't explain it at all, but it felt awful. Over the past year or two, I've come to understand myself a little bit better and looking back I think those reactions were reactions to instances of shame or vulnerability. Someone said or did something that made me feel bad about myself, even if they didn't know it, and I had that natural "fight or flight" instinct.

I've basically devoured every text and video by Brené Brown and am currently listening to her audio lessons, because her work is a big part of my self-realization efforts. The more aware I am of what she calls "shame triggers", the better equipped I am to counteract them. I think, "I'm not actually angry. I just don't like when people think of me that way" or "I'm pulling away and putting up a wall. Stop Roxie. Lean into this moment. Let that person see you. You don't have to hide." And, yes. I am actually having conversations with myself. My internal monologue never shuts up. 😄

In the latest book I read by Brown (but actually one of her earlier books), I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't), she presents a simple exercise to help identify your own triggers, which I found incredibly interesting. You start with the sentence stem "I want to be perceived as..." and list five ways you want to be seen. Then, you do the opposite starting with "I don't want to be perceived as..." One of the most surprising things about this was how easy it was for me personally. It was also surprising when I realized how important these things were to me. Brown gave many examples and everyone is so different. Some focus on intelligence or being a good mother or being healthy or physical appearance. Everyone has different pieces that make up the way they want to be seen and the things they desperately want to avoid. I have shared my answers below.

I want to be perceived as caring, strong, hard-working, open-minded, and positive.

I don't want to be perceived pushy, judgemental, selfish, bossy, or cynical. 

These things explain so much. It explains why I say "yes" to everything even when I don't really have time. I have to show I'm hard-working. But I work hard enough without having to always prove it.

It explains why I get really angry when my sister rolls her eyes when I tell her to do something. I suddenly realize I was pushy/bossy and hate that image of myself. But I can fix it without anger.

It explains why I dislike others doing things for me. I don't feel strong. But letting others be strong doesn't make me weak.

It explains why I suddenly withdraw from an interaction when I see someone zone out when I'm talking. I've realized that I'm being selfish and talking all about myself. But I have the right to talk about myself sometimes. I am enough.

Lessons Learned

I learned a lot of things this summer when I traveled to Italy. I learned so much about history and art and religion. I learned about a different culture and communicated with new words and gestures. I navigated new cities and tasted new foods. I participated in Italian superstitions and witnessed the most amazing architecture. It was one of the very best experiences of my life.

But one lesson I learned was unexpected. I've been trying to describe it in my own words for weeks, but have failed, so I think the best way to illustrate this lesson is through something a fellow traveler said. One girl in my tour group was asked if she was glad she went on this trip without her boyfriend of if she missed him. Her response was something like this:

"I am so glad I did this on my own. It makes me feel confident in myself as an individual. I'm so glad I was able to enjoy the things that make me happy without constantly worrying if he was happy. But...I still wish he was here. It's not that I need him. It's just that when I'm seeing and experiencing such amazing things, I want to turn to someone I love and share it."

I may not have a boyfriend, but I had a similar feeling all the time in Italy. People say that trips like these help you "find yourself", but what I found out about myself is regardless of how independent I am, I like to share. When a tour guide made a joke, I wanted to turn and see someone else laughing. As I stood in awe in front of the Statue of David, I instantly wanted to share the moment with people close to me. I wanted to say, "You should try this" to someone at my table each time I ate something fabulous. In fact, despite my antisocial tendencies, I did reach out to many people in my group. Even with strangers, swimming together in Monterosso and dancing together in Florence and watching soccer together in a pub in Rome made up some of the most beautiful, memorable moments of the trip.

I think life is about human connections and shared experiences. My best days at work are those where I make a connection with a student. And my best personal days are when I laugh with someone or listen to a story.  So, as this new school year gets started, I plan to share myself and my experiences as much as possible. Like my friend on the tour said, it's not that I need someone. I am confident in myself. It's just that when I'm happy, why not share that happiness? When I'm sad or upset, why hold that all by myself? We aren't meant to live in isolation. We are meant to share.

Leaking Love

I keep searching for hands.
Hands to hold me.
Not a hand to hold my hand
or a hand to hold my head up.
Not hands locked around my waist.
But hands to carry the messy innards
of me.

Some say anger boils over,
but the stuff overflowing in me is
a sweeter syrup.
It's hope and love and trust
mixed with a spoon of vulnerability.
It pumps through my veins
and the thumps of my heart
whisper to me, asking me
to give it away.

When I find hands I trust,
that feel strong and soft,
I pour myself into them
without a thought.
Many hands have held my love
and many palms still do.
But many hands have opened up their fingers
and let me slip through.

Most hands hold me tight at first.
I keep them warm and sweet.
But then I give too much and they slowly
let me leak.
I try to catch the falling drops.
I tuck them into my folds.
But you can only self-love so much
before a drop gets through
and hits the pavement with a
splat.

Knowing Others. Knowing Yourself.

Middle-schoolers know everything.

Didn't you know?

They know the release date for the newest pair of Jordan's

And every word recited by Lil Uzi Vert.

They know that Mrs. ____ hates them.

And that reading class will always be boring. 

They know Steph Curry is a god

And that they will be famous like him one day.

As they are trying so hard to know everything,

making assumptions and spitting out unquestionable facts

as quick as the shot of a gun,

I am quick with a counterattack

of all the things I don't know.

"I don't know what you do after school.

I don't know your greatest fears.

I don't know what makes you laugh

or who you trust to hold your secrets.

I don't know you."

"But you want to know something?

You may not be able to choose your teachers,

or your chores, or your classes, or even your family,

but you can choose who you share your life with.

I'm here to listen if you want.

You don't have to tell me anything about yourself.

I don't need to know." 

.........................................................................

As I grow older, more people "know" me.

Didn't I know? 

They know I'm loyal

and will always show up.

They know I'm forgetful

and shouldn't be trusted.

They know I'm shy.

I just need to "open up."

They know I'm loud.

And tap me to remind me to quiet down.

As they are trying so hard to remind me of who I am,

giving me advice and assuring me of their camaraderie

grasping at this rope between us,

I am starting to understand

that even I don't yet really know myself.

I don't know who I want to be when I "grow up."

I don't know how to be less stressed.

I don't know what will bring me the most joy.

I don't know how to find balance.

I'm still figuring it out.

But you want to know something?

I may not be the best teacher or friend, or daughter.

I may not say the right things.

I may say way too much.

But I am lucky enough to have people that will listen.

And I still, have that power to choose

to whom I hand the keys to my life.

Holding Onto the Happiness

My last blog post was titled "Letting the Lonely Out" and focused on how I'm working to share when I'm lonely with others. My other goal for this summer is in some ways on the opposite end of the spectrum, but is equally inspired by Brown's Braving the Wilderness. Have I mentioned you should read that book yet? A lot of the advice and thoughts that Brown shares in this book make me think "Obviously. That makes so much sense." But one part genuinely was new thought to me. It was a section I read over and over and reflected on a lot. It started like this:

I believe joy is probably the most vulnerable emotion we experience. We're afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel it, we'll be blindsided by disaster or disappointment. 

My first reaction to this was complete disagreement. Joy is so easy to experience! Everyone loves to be happy and laugh. Why would that be difficult?

But how many times has someone told me "I'm so happy for you," and I've responded, "Oh it's no big deal." or "It won't last" or even "It's really not that exciting." I downplay joy like it's my job. Almost every time something is going right in my life, I start to imagine how it could go wrong. Sometimes, I feel a lot of guilt when I'm happy too. When I'm in a moment of great joy, I think about those who don't have the same happiness or great experiences in life that I do and work to downplay the situation to make that feeling go away too. 

So what's the solution? According to Brown, the remedy is gratitude. Instead of worrying about the negative possibilities or how anyone else might feel about it, just take a moment to feel gratitude. I used to try to think of things I was grateful for every night before I went to bed, and I think that is a practice I could get back into to help me hold on to happiness rather than tossing it to the side. 

I probably won't make any friends on this trip. I am so grateful that I get to go on an amazing trip and see and experience new things. 

He probably doesn't really like me.  I am grateful that I had a great conversation with a  friend today. 

I probably did all this work in grad school for nothing.  I am so grateful that I was able to learn and grow as a person by continuing my education.

It was probably be bad weather.  I'm thankful that I get to go outside today and breathe in some fresh air, no matter the weather. 

They probably just put up with me because they know I'll be the DD.  I'm thankful that my friends trust me and want me to be around. 

That's how we hold onto happiness. Joy is such an amazing emotion. Why let go of it? It is difficult, but gratitude in the face of joy is a goal I am making for this summer. Do you have summer goals? Feel free to comment and share! 

Letting The Lonely Out

I think the idea of loneliness is uncomfortable. Not to the person who is lonely, but to others. Stay with me on this one. So, if a friend tells you they are "frustrated", you know exactly what to do. You let them talk about it and give advice. If a family member is "upset" or "angry" or even "sad", you probably have a go-to response, such taking them out for ice cream or hugging them. But if someone tells you, "I'm lonely", I think we tend to step back instead of reaching forward. It's as if loneliness is contagious or taboo. We feel bad, but we also feel uncomfortable.

That's why it's so hard for people to share loneliness. We hear stories of self-harm or suicide all the time and think "Why didn't he/she tell someone?" Maybe it was so that he/she didn't feel "weird" or like something was innately wrong with her/him. Maybe it was because he/she didn't want to inflict that feeling of discomfort we've all experienced on anyone else. I'm not saying this is always the case by any means. I do think the way we react to loneliness makes sharing difficult. As a person who gets lonely often, I know how pressured I feel to act like I'm not. I don't want others to think less of me. I don't want others to feel pity for me. I want to feel normal, so I act like I feel nothing.

I'm going to quote Brene Brown again for this post, as I'm currently reading Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. In her book about making connections with other people, she states early on that, "denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying you feel hunger." We can act all we want. It's a human experience and it doesn't go away through sheer will power. In fact, she has a lot of research to back it up. Take at look at this one: "Living with air pollution increases your odds of dying early by 5 percent. Living with obesity, 20 percent. Excessive drinking 30 percent. And living with loneliness? It increase our odds of dying early by 45 percent." Isn't that insane?

So recently, I've been trying to reach out whenever I feel a surge of loneliness. Am I making my friends and family uncomfortable or worried because of it? Most likely. Does it make me feel bad? Oftentimes yes. But, it also feels better than burying it. I feel relieved that I'm not the only one holding it. I sleep better after making even a small human connection rather than pretending I'm fine and not texting/calling/talking to anyone. So, if anyone out there ever feels super alone, talk to someone. Talk to me. Let it out. You'll feel better.

Great Reads for Middle School That Aren't Classics

In order to change it up this quarter (for my sanity as much as the kids'), I started book clubs this quarter in my reading classes. When searching for books over the past two years for this endeavor, I have discovered that everyone wants middle-schoolers to read really old books. Almost every list of recommendations online included The Outsiders, The Giver, A Wrinkle in Time, The Hobbit, The Bridge to Terabithia, The Witch of Blackbird Pone, and Tuck Everlasting. I love all of those books. I really do want my kids to read titles like those. I offered most of them as options. But I also really wanted them to be invested in the books without me having to sell them. I wanted to buy new books and books that they would pick up in the library on their own if given the chance. There are some really, really good ones out there. So here's my list of some modern middle school reads that are worth giving a chance. 

1. Orbiting Jupiter by Gary D. Schmidt

Here's the description of this book: "When Jack meets his new foster brother, he already knows three things about him: Joseph almost killed a teacher. He was incarcerated at a place called Stone Mountain. He has a daughter. Her name is Jupiter. And he has never seen her." I mean what kid doesn't want to read that book after reading that? Kids love things that seem real and this feels very real. It's a book with themes that make my students think and it's a SAD book. Man, I'm waiting for the part when I have to send half my class to the counseling office because they are crying in my class. I think this is good for kids though to build empathy. I remember how much I cried reading Where the Red Fern Grows, but it didn't make me love that book any less.

2. Jackaby by William Ritter

This debut novel is a bit of  Sherlock Holmes meets the paranormal. It's adventurous. It's mysterious. And it's funny. I like the fact that kids are invested in the case. I also like that it's a series so kids can continue their reading quest if they like it afterwards. It's not a difficult read and is accessible for middle school students. 

3. The Crossover/Booked by Kwame Alexander

These are two different books, but I'm pushing them together because they are very similar. Both are written in a cool poetry format and have protagonists that are middle school athletes dealing with more off the field or court than on it. They really capture teenage angst as well as how teenagers really cope with family drama (it's not always a pretty reaction). My kids are invested in these books and once again the real issues (death, divorce, bullying, crushes, sibling rivalry) feel genuine. 

4. I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai and Patricia McCormick

This is my only nonfiction pick, but my students gravitated toward this because it was true. It tells the story of when the Taliban took control of Swat Valley in Pakistan and one girl who refused to be silenced and fought for her right for an education. This led to her being shot at point-blank range at the age of 15 while riding a bus to school. I chose the Young Readers Version for my kids and it is perfect reading level for my low readers. It makes students put themselves in someone else's shoes. My kids ask questions every single day as they read and I can see them Googling political figures and historical facts all the time. I love anything that makes my kids wonder. 

5. Maybe A Fox by Kathi Appelt and Alison McGhee

When one sister goes missing into thin air one day, the other has to stumble into grief and heartbreak. A missing girl is always a way to grab attention, but this book is different than a typical mystery. It really dives into the superstitions of a group of people and how and how we all cope differently after tragedy. It is truly a beautiful book and its honestly grips you like most novels for middle school students can't do. I was unsure of how readily my students would attach to such realities, but one student told me just last week "Reading this book is the best thing I've ever done in school." High praise, I'd say. 

6. Bruiser by Neal Schusterman

This one is not quite as new as the others on my list, but this is my 2nd year in a row using it in my classroom. I really like it. It is a story about Brewster "Bruiser" Rawlins, a boy everyone in school is scared of. Behind his scary exterior is a boy in fear because he is very different from everyone else. He has a special power. I don't want to give away the whole book, because it worth a read, but I will say that the debate about whether this power is a blessing or a curse is one of the best discussions I've ever had with my students. It's a weird enough book to be sort of magical, but real enough for kids to relate to the characters personally. 

7. Okay for Now by Gary D. Schmidt

This one is also a bit older and it comes from the same author as Orbiting Jupiter, but I think it needs its own spot on this list. It is a beautiful coming-of-age novel about a boy that is new to town and has to adjust not only to a new school, but also deal with a abusive father and try to understand his older brother who has just returned from Vietnam and will never be the same. It is a companion book for The Wednesday Wars if you have ever read that, but this, in my opinion, was much more powerful. 

8. Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson

Like the Kwame Alexander books, this one is written in poetry format. That is a new trend and for reluctant readers, a trend I really like. Jacqueline Woodson has always been an author I'd admire and this autobiography is as moving as I'd have expected. Woodson was raised in South Carolina and New York and always felt halfway home in each place. Her poems show how African Americans were treated in both urban and rural settings in the 1960s and 1970s. They are poems about childhood and poems about big issues and poems about what gives us fire and passion. Just good stuff. 

9. Doll Bones by Holly Black

I just happened upon this story on accident. Found it on audiobook in the library and thought it would be a good background story while I was walking at they gym. It is a story about three kids who have been friends forever and create a magical world using the action figure toys. But, then, without warning, Zach's father throws out all his toys and declares he is too old for them. Zach, furious and confused and embarrassed, has to decide how to "grow up" and whether he can be friends with Poppy and Alice. He makes this transition during an adventure to solve a mystery of a haunted china doll (that is creepy enough to get the kids reading). I thought it was a little creepy, had adventure, and was incredibly honest. I will keep it as an option for my readers for sure. 

Do you have any recommendations for middle school readers? I am ALWAYS looking for a good new book to suggest to my class. Feel free to comment and let me know.