"Miss Siel...How Many Shoes Do You Have?"

Last week, one of my students came to class and asked me how many pairs of shoes I owned. At the time, I thought she was teasing me and I laughed it off without answering. Then the next day she came in, looked at yet another pair of shoes on my feet and asked again. "How many shoes do you have?"

This time I took a look at the serious expression on her face and the awe in her voice. I realized this wasn't a trivial question for her. I looked down at her own feet the pair of worn-out white sneakers that she wore every single day. It hit me like a ton of bricks. While I take pride in never wearing the same shoes two days in a row, she didn't have a choice.

I decided to lean in. She didn't want me to brush it off and act like it didn't matter. To her, it really did. So I looked her in the eyes and sat down in a chair near hers. "Hmmm," I pondered. "Probably like 20 pairs. That's too many, huh?" She grinned and shook her head. "No. I wish I had 20 pairs!" I chuckled and asked her what size she wore. She told me and I said, "Wow, you're gonna have bigger feet than me because you're still growing!" We compared our feet side by side and I told her about how when I was a kid, my feet grew so much, I had to keep changing shoes and one day, they stopped and then I was able to start my collection. She told me about the basketball shoes and track shoes she wanted some day.

We spent the rest of personal reading time in this conversation. It had nothing to do with reading and she didn't get her 10 minutes of reading time in like I usually require, but the time wasn't wasted. I learned to think a bit more about how I was presenting myself.  I also learned a lot more about this student in particular and her aspirations. These little moment matter.

Movies of 2017

Although I can't believe this is true, the year of 2017 is coming to an end very soon. As I went to the theater tonight, I was thinking back to the movies I have seen this year in anticipation for awards season in a few months. So what have I liked? What have I hated? Here's a quick movies of 2017 in review according to Roxie:

The Best:

• I have to start with the movie I saw tonight, Thor: Ragnarok. I went in hoping to like it, but not expecting a lot, since I not only didn't enjoy the last two Thor movies, but haven't really liked any Avenger-esque movies like most people. I always feel like they are shallow and lack depth. Ragnarok started out ordinary for me. They changed stoic Thor into the sarcastic, goofy character that is a proven win like Iron Man and Deadpool and Guardians of the Galaxy and that turned me off a little.  Then, it complete turned around. It felt like an immersion into another world. It had a Star Wars or Lord of the Rings vibe rather than a hero beats villain and that's the end. It felt longer than 2 hours. That sounds like a bad thing, but to me it wasn't, as I feel many movies are half-baked and done before they really begin. 
• I came into Wind River with no expectations or real idea of what it was about, which could contribute to my love for it. It was a simple story, unlike big blockbusters, but it really hit me emotionally. It was so simple, yet it was powerful and moving. I remember thinking right after it that my Grandpa Dick would like it. I don't know why I thought that or if he would have, since he passed away shortly after I saw it, but I think maybe I attributed that to him because it had a sort of western feel. 
• For a horror movie buff like myself, Get Out couldn't have been better. It was absolutely terrifying in a completely different way. Not jump scares or demons or excessive blood, but just a all-encompassing feeling of panic and nervousness and being trapped. The social commentary in this movie was brilliant and I am glad it is getting the recognition it deserves beyond the genre of horror/thriller. 
• How could I not have Beauty and the Beast on the list? It was perfect in every way. It captured all the great things from the original and added things that were lacking or unexplained. The music was amazing. The acting was great. I just loved it. 

The Worst:

• Atomic Blonde had good reviews from the critics and I'm a fan of Charlize Theron, but I just hated it so much. It was 2 hours of mindless slashing. I mean seriously, it had to have beat a record for most dead bodies. 
• I know many will disagree with this one, but I genuinely disliked Baby Driver too. I admit it was visually creative and beautiful and had good music, but the characters felt fake and the plot went nowhere. A big disappointment for me. 
• This one would get me in real trouble with the critics. I believe it is a front runner for Best Picture actually, but sitting through Dunkirk was tortuous for me. I don't mind movies with little dialogue, but this one was so heavy on the screeching of planes and explosions that it literally made me want to leave the theater. There are probably less than 100 words said in the whole movie and I didn't even think the visuals were as amazing as everyone made them out to be. 
• Despicable Me 3 just didn't need to be made. It was not funny. It wasn't cute. I probably thought "This is stupid" at least once every 5 minutes of the movie. Movie studios just find something that audiences liked and beat it to death. 

Yet to Come: 

• One of the most anticipated movies right now is Justice League. Although I didn't put it in my "best" category, I did enjoy Wonder Woman and loved Gal Gadot in that role, so I am looking forward to this one. I just hope it doesn't turn into Suicide Squad, which I had so much hope for last year. 
• Just because I've been a Star Wars fan my whole life, I have to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi. My sister and I felt the last one in this series was pretty redundant, doing a lot more throwback to the original films than developing new plot lines, so I hope this one is a tad more original. Nothing better than a good jedi fight though.
• I am just dying to see Downsizing and I can't really explain why. I just think the concept is brilliant. Stephen King always says the best stories come from people asking the question "What if...?" and this is a great what if. I also like that the trailers don't really show any conflict, so I am not sure where the story will go. So many trailers show way too much and the actual movie gets compared to the expectations of the trailer.
• Although I don't know a whole lot about it, the things I've read about The Florida Project make me want to see it. I just saw today it is coming to the Ross and I am definitely making a point to see it while it's in town. 

The Halloween Costumes of My Childhood

Do you remember what you were for Halloween as a child? I was thinking about this today. The only two I really remember were when I was Princess Jasmine and when I was Josephina (The American Girl). I know I had to have been many, many other things, but I just don't remember what they were. In my teenage years, I think I was a witch/vampire a few times, and I know from pictures and stories that I was a pumpkin as a baby.

I keep wondering why only these two costumes in between stand out. I think the Josephina probably does because my mom took a lot of time trying to collect the right clothes and jewelry to make me match my favorite book character. Jasmine kind of baffles me. I've been told Beauty and the Beast was always my favorite movie, so why do I remember Jasmine so vividly? I remember the beaded headband and the way the flowy pants felt when I walked. Something about that costume really sticks.

So do you have a specific costume that sticks out to you? Share your memories in the comments!

Who Am I?

Have you ever seen a Facebook profile with the person never smiling? Or a dating app profile with the person sitting on the couch in every picture? My guess is that you haven't. That's because profile pages are a place to present ourselves as we want to look to others. We want to show others we are happy and successful and have our lives together. We want to show we do fun things on a daily basis. Maybe we want to show we are artsy or creative on Instagram or Pinterest.  I mean not all of us are climbing mountains or skiing or ziplining every day, but what dating profile doesn't have the obligatory "adventurous" picture?

Whether it's because I live in a world of social media or because it is just a natural human instinct, I know that I am constantly "editing" myself and trying to be the best me for the situation and context. Because of that, I often feel like I lose my core self.  Most of my friends would tell you I am very "chill" and laid-back. My family or students would tell you the opposite. Sometimes, I wish my friends could see me take charge and be the control freak that I often am. More often, I wish I could show how relaxed I can be to family instead of taking over conversations and decisions so often. A while back, I had a wonderful day at work and thought, "I wish other people in my life could see this "me." This is the "me" I like best."

Isn't that a weird thought? Why didn't I just enjoy the day? Why does it even matter what anyone else sees or thinks?

This is something I think about a lot, but haven't ever adequately put into words. This week, though, one of the characters in my book really spoke to me on this subject. In the story, she gets a nose piercing and talks about how she kept seeing herself from outside her body. She was hoping this look would capture the personality she wanted to show to others. Later, she sees her father's reaction to the piercing and feels instantly bad because she now doesn't fit the "good daughter" persona anymore. Throughout the book, she talks about how everyone dresses each day with someone specific in mind, whether it's a boss, parent, crush, husband, or new friend. She looks at herself from the outside instead of how she feels inside her body.

"Quinn wondered why she didn't stick in her own body more...why did she slip out of it so easily? Why wasn't her obligation to herself more binding? What if she slipped out of her body one time and forgot to come back?" --The Whole Thing Together by Ann Brashares

Something about that line really speaks to me. I "slip out" of myself all the time. I've never heard anyone describe it that way, but so often I'm not even really a part of the conversations I take part in. I feel like I'm watching them as a bystander. I look at myself in the mirror with other people's eyes.

As someone who prides myself on my independence and self-efficacy, this is a nagging thought. I have been  working hard to be more present in myself. This is why I started going on hikes alone this summer, trying to ground myself. Unfortunately, most of my hikes involved thoughts of pictures I could post on Snapchat or other people who would like this trail or how out of shape I looked when climbing a hill. I had to keep stopping myself. Stare at that sunset. Take a deep breath. Listen to the breeze in the trees.

I'm also trying to ask myself what I like and who I am a lot more. Do I actually like this or do I want others to think I like this? Am I editing my reaction based on the audience? Who do I really want to be for ME? Who the heck am I? I'm still working on it. I probably always will be. But if I find any answers, I'll keep you posted.

My "Me Too" Post

Over the past week, all over social media, there has been a trend of women writing "Me Too" to indicate an experience they have had with sexual assault or sexual harassment. When I first saw this circulating, I chose to ignore it. It wasn't because I didn't agree with the intent. I just knew it was another social media fad that would be forgotten in a few weeks. If people don't believe women testifying in court about these things, who is going to believe a Facebook post? But I kept scrolling through comments of "I can't believe that" and "Wow, I'm so sorry." This confused me. The definition of sexual harassment is "unwanted advances or obscene comments." What woman hasn't experienced that? I'd say almost every woman I know has. Personally, I plan grocery trips for high volume hours because of the times I have been followed into the parking lot. I've been grabbed at bars so hard I bruised. I've been called all kinds of names just for saying "No thank you."  This is not a rare or shocking occurrence.

For some reason, though, it seems that so many people think this is a problem for others and doesn't happen in their worlds. I had a friend tell me once that her dad thought catcalling wasn't a thing in Nebraska. She said it happened to her about once a week. I've had people from small towns act like "predators" are only in cities. The time in my life that I was sexually harassed the most was in high school in a small town. There was a boy that made me feel uncomfortable almost every day for a year. He would corner me when I was alone and make sexual comments daily and touch me as we went by in the hallway. He wasn't some criminal. He was a nice boy from a good family that was friends with all of my friends. He went to church. He was someone all the teachers and parents loved. I spent most the time thinking something was wrong with me for not liking the attention. I'm not writing this to bash this guy or to get pity. I honestly don't think he thought he was doing anything wrong. I just want to point out that this is not an isolated or "other" problem. This is about men feeling like they have the right to say of do whatever they want to women.

Thanks for letting me vent a bit, Internet friends. Have a great week. As I tell my students whenever they leave the room, "Work hard. Be kind."

Striking a Balance

The older I get, the more I realize that no one has it all together. I used to think it was just me. I hoped eventually I would "grow up" and start cleaning and making regular meals and going to the gym everyday. I wanted to be a teacher who wasn't staying at school until 6:00 at night and still struggling to get by day to day. I wanted to write in my blog every week and pay my bills on the same date every month. Some days, I just wanted to be a person that got a regular amount of sleep each night.

So far, I haven't gotten good at any of these things. I'm perpetually behind on everything. I'm sleep-deprived, throwing lessons together, not healthy, and just basically a mess. And I don't even have anyone to take care of besides myself. The secret? Neither does anyone else. When you really get to know someone and peek behind those curtains, even the "perfect" people have problems. So many people are trying to balance work life and home life and social life and personal time and most people are falling behind in at least one area. Even those who aren't often have vices to deal or have anxiety or depression as a side effect of being so perfect.

I'm only human and I can't do it all. There are only 24 hours in a day. I still hope I keep getting better, but I may never get to the point where I have it all together. But I guess I'll just make the most of it. One step at a time. One goal at a time.

What It Means to Be a Fan

After 7 seasons of being a Husker/Husker alum, I have seen my fair share of Husker football fans. I've stood in the student section for over 40 games, so mostly I see students, ranging from nervous/excited freshmen to seniors with face paint and staked out spots. But for the past 3-4 years, I have sat behind the band, closer to the general East stadium crowd with families with hands filled with hot dogs and ice cream and senior citizens with cans who somehow still sit through the entire game, no matter the weather.

No matter what we say about being the "best fans in college football", there are many fans that are arrogant and rude. There are many that don't care an inkling about football and spend most of their time on their phone, getting just the right filter on their picture. But there are a LOT of amazing fans too. Those who stick it out, even when we aren't very good. Those that cheer and clap and encourage always. That's the fan I always hope to be because being a fan of any team in any sport shouldn't really be about the win-loss record.

Yeah, that's right. Hard to believe, huh? Isn't that what sports are all about? You wouldn't believe how many people look at me with pity when I tell them I have season tickets in seasons that aren't going so well. There are people (from Nebraska) who tell me I should find a different team to cheer on who has a better record. Sure, it sucks to be invested in a game and watch it turn into a loss, but that's part of the experience. There are no great highs without lows.

I bring this up this week because my friend and I have a regular seat buddy at the home games this year. He is a man who I would guess is in his 50s. He comes alone, stands in the student section, and screams the entire game. He drives us insane, honestly. He rarely has a good thing to say and has a very vocal suggestions for absolutely everything. I thought, "Why do you watch it if it makes you so upset?" I go to games for the sense of community and the adrenaline rush and anticipation for something I've never seen and the pure love of the sport and for hope--no matter the opponent. He talks to no one, seems stoic, never gives compliments on positive plays, and seems to have no hope at all. So why does he come? Why does he spend over 3 hours on his feet? Why does he pay the money for a ticket? I really genuinely want to know. What makes fans like that continue to be fans? No solution or catharsis on this post, just thoughts and questions.

Happy Sunday and Go Huskers!