Walking Blindly Forward

Every time I go on a hike, I have a destination in mind. I follow a trail that I planned for and I work my way up to a peak. Sometimes the path is fun and beautiful. Sometimes I have to work really, really hard and I want to stop. Sometimes I end up altering my route. My life is like this path, full of variety, but also always having a direction in mind. Then, this year I looked ahead and the path was washed out. It suddenly got very dark and I had no idea where I was going. 

I think most of us are feeling that blind, directionless feeling. Over the past 8 months we've been waiting. Waiting for schools to reopen. Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting for election results. And being stopped in our tracks without a clear time table or answers, I admit at times I've been angry. I've been scared. And frustrated. And really, really sad. It's a difficult hike right now. 

We might not see the path, but I believe there's still one there. We'll never get back on the exact same hike again. It's washed out and I accept that. I believe however, that there is a lot of beauty still around us. I also believe the sun will come up again and we will find our footing as individuals and as a community again. Hope and faith are extremely important resources to hold onto. 

Another important factor on this difficult hike is to look for support around you. I think that the only way to get better/stronger/wiser is to surround yourself with people that believe in you. So, look around at your fellow hikers. Are they going to pull you up and cheer you on or just complain and make the hike more difficult? You can always take a different path from them, even if they are family. By holding onto the believers and the cheerleaders, your community with grow stronger together. Thank you to all my fellow hikers. I am thankful for your support every day. You know who you are. And don't be afraid to reach out your hand when you need help up the mountain. 

The Big, Bad Monster In My Life

When I was a kid, I watched countless shows and movies filled with villains being defeated by the protagonist. Strangely enough, those circumstances have never presented themselves in my real, adult life. There's no evil villains in gigantic space ships trying to take over the world. I haven't encountered any evil witches. No giant, green monsters. Obviously, there is a lot of terrible things happening in the world. However, I have found the the monster I have to battle in every "episode" of my life is actually one I create.

Just like as a kid, I actually reviewed this life lesson through the plot of a cartoon. I'm a regular viewer of the show Bob's Burgers. On Sunday evenings, it begins my week with a laugh. However, the season premiere this year seemed like less of a window and more of a mirror. In the episode, the title character starts with a pretty ordinary problem. He can't find the key to his safe. His daughter needs her birth certificate inside of it. But on his quest to find the key, he lets this problem snowball. He starts beating himself up about being so unorganized. He calls himself a bad father. As he sifts through junk, he starts believing this mess means he is lazy and unmotivated and worthless. He begins to dwell on a lot of questions starting with "Why didn't I...?" 

So lost in the failings of his past, Bob can't move forward in his mission. He loses faith and energy and falls asleep. In his dream, he has become very small. The trash becomes a literal monster, towering over him. As he fights the monster, a friend keeps trying to convince him that he isn't worthless, but with every compliment, Bob shoots it down. "I'm not really that good of a cook." "I am not that creative." It isn't until he changes his mindset and starts acknowledging his accomplishments and his talents that he is able to defeat the monster. With each positive affirmation, he grew. 

Man, did that resonate with me. I have had many times in my life when I've created monsters of negativity. I make one mistake, like forgetting my ID, and start piling on every mistake I've ever made. I use any mishap as validation of my inadequacy. Like Bob, I need to change the response. I need to move forward and not look back at things that can't be changed. I need to feed myself and not that monster. By taking time in every situation to purposefully exude positivity and encouragement, I can become the superhero of my childhood fantasies. If I can defeat my own monster, I can defeat anything. 

What Virtual Teaching Looks and Sounds Like

Today, I started my day with a group of 5th graders. Through my computer screen, I was introduced to three dogs, two cats, and a bunny. Two students ate breakfast in between responses about prefixes. One showed off his pretty amazing drawing skills to illustrate a character in the story I had read. Another introduced me to her three siblings, all "doing school" at the same dining room table. A few shy students didn't turn on their cameras, but when I asked them about a favorite place to visit, they turned their mics on and told me stories about their summer trip the Grand Canyon or their cousins in Mexico. 

All of that was before 9:00. 

Virtual teaching is a new and somewhat scary experience for everyone. I understand the stress many teachers are feeling. This type of instruction can provide a multitude of frustrations, such as lagging video and wandering students. But I also find it refreshing. I get to witness students in their homes. I watch their family dynamics and see their comfort as they sit in their bed or walk to the sink for a drink of water. I hear them turning to their parents or siblings to speak in Spanish or Arabic or French. I see the posters on their walls.

Because of online teaching, I have also been able to bring together students from different schools in my online sessions. They may have never met each other otherwise, but now light up when they see their "new friends" log into the Google Meet. I teach students ranging from Kindergarten to 6th grade this year, so some of my day involves watching 5-year-olds wiggle and dance and draw "fishies" I spend another portion of my day witnessing pre-teens yelling at their younger siblings that they are attempting to babysit during their school day. In the classroom, it's hard to fully imagine the people my students are outside the classroom.

So, while I look forward to walking into classroom communities and watching students work together and play very soon, I want to take this time and appreciate my students how they are and where they are right now. Some are in comfort. Some are in chaos. For an hour a day, they are in my class, even if that class is just my face on a screen. I am so glad I get to be a part of their day.

Some favorite quotes:

Me: I know that was your sister is answering the questions for you.

Her: How did you know?

Me: Well, first of all, most students don't turn off their camera every time they are called on. 

Coworker (overheard): Aren't those supposed to be in a cage?? (It was pet birds.)

Me: You couldn't get out of bed for class?

Him: That would involve putting on clothes.

Student (looking around for proper nouns in his house): I found a Woolpooh!

Me: A what?

Student: (runs to his refrigerator and shows me "Whirlpool" brand)

Me: Oh. That says Whirlpool. Good job.

Him: My Woolpooh makes ice! (proceeds to hit the ice machine with his hand and I watch ice fall all over the floor).

Me: Anna, what did you draw as your favorite food?

Her: Well, I did rainbow spaghetti, but my mom says that isn't a food. So, I drew a pancake. That is your favorite food and I want to be your friend. 

I'm Not Guilty of Any Crime

Today at work, I was working at a table working alone and I looked up and saw someone across the room. I hurriedly pulled up my mask, which was dangling around my chin. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I spent the next hour of work feeling guilty. This is not a unique story. Just this week, I have admonished myself in the following ways:

The kitchen is a mess. Why can't I just get it together?

I forgot to ask about her sick mother. I am so selfish.

I lost my phone again. What is wrong with me?

I ate way too much. This is why I look so awful.

I was the last one to walk into the meeting. I look so unprofessional.

The truth is that today I was at least 10 feet away from that coworker when I took off my mask. I was late for no meetings. I hurt no one. I had not broken a single rule. No one reprimanded me. When it comes to myself, I play the role of prosecution, but never the defense. I'm guilty when I say the wrong thing or talk too much. I'm also guilty when I don't speak up or don't reach out. I don't have to provide proof. Even when I defend my actions to others, I've already convicted myself. Consequently, I don't sleep.

This is not to say I think I'm a bad person. I think I'm smart and hard-working. I'm caring and helpful. I just find it hard to forgive myself for any mistake. And I make a lot of them.

Like usual with these posts, I don't have any answers. One thing I do that I am proud of, though, is I always try to improve. So tonight, I looked into what I could do. The following are some tips I learned after reading several psychology magazine articles. I thought I'd share on here in case they empower anyone else with similar excessive guilt and I might just need to come back to this blog again...and again.

1. Pay attention to your accomplishments. I already practice gratitude and naming things I am thankful for each day, which helps me stay positive, but ending the day by naming something you accomplished incites a sense of "self-gratitude" rather than self-judgment.

2. Imagine if roles were reversed. A lot of my guilt stems from what I believe others think of me. If I take the same situation and imagine how I would feel if my coworker or friend or family member did the same thing, it is likely I would be much, much more understanding. I need to treat myself as I treat others.

3. Realize it's okay to take care of your own needs. This year, I've been doing workouts on an app called FitOn (it's free and I highly recommend it by the way). One of the reasons I like it so much is that almost every coach on the app reiterates this sentiment: You know yourself better than anyone else so do what's best for you. They tell me to stop if I need to. They say to modify workouts if I need to. They tell me I can fall down in yoga and I shouldn't feel ashamed. Some of the most guilt-driven moments in my life have centered around exercise. I was guilty when I let down my PE or recess team because I was bad at every sport. I was guilty when my parents would come to softball or volleyball games and I wouldn't get to play. I was guilty every time I broke something due to my awful coordination. I was guilty when I couldn't keep up in Zumba/Barre/HIIT classes. With FitOn, I finally feel like the exercise is "me time" and isn't affecting anyone else at all. I want to think more about how I can serve my own needs without worrying about the needs of others (and also without feeling selfish). This one might take a lifetime, but life is just a work in progress.

I Don't Just Love You When It's Easy

Whenever I take my cat, Bowser, to visit my parents, in a house with two bigger dogs, he acts erratically. Sometimes he's jumpy, every movement scaring him. Oftentimes, he retreats, hiding for hours. In the middle of petting him, he will suddenly hiss or swat me. I feel like I'm constantly defending him. "I swear he's not always like this." And he isn't. As soon as we return home, he becomes he usual adventurous, "chatty" self. But in an unpredictable setting, he becomes unpredictable.

I write this, not to tell you a story about my cat, but because I think we are all in that house right now. We're in foreign territory. Instead of dogs, we have the looming threat of Covid-19 and social unrest and an upcoming election. Our routines have been disrupted and I think, for many of us, that changes our personalities because we are trying to cope.  I, like my cat, have "hissed" and been defensive around people that weren't trying to harm me. I have retreated at times and been angry at other times. I have seen many others on social media or on the news acting the same way. The world is chaotic. Our actions become chaotic.

Today, a family member of one of my students reached out to me. She wanted to thank me for helping her younger sister out "even when she was acting out." I wanted to tell her that I enjoyed having that student not "in spite" of her episodes of anger and sadness, but right through those moments. Of course I loved when she was working hard and cooperating, but I loved her just as much when she was yelling. When she stomped out of the room and I let her keep stomping until she was calmer. When she sat on the floor and cried and I sat next to her until she was ready to rejoin class. I knew that she was in that unfamiliar house. Middle school may not have big dogs, but it has bullies. It has first-loves. It has new friends and new teachers and new content. The threats are endless. Her environment was erratic. She acted erratically.

I hope my friends, my family, and my students don't ever feel too bad for lashing out or saying things they don't mean. I don't love them only when it is "easy" or only when we agree. That's not what caring for someone means. And, if I can believe that, I need to stop apologizing so much for my own missteps. Those that really care know my heart and won't throw me away when things aren't easy. We all act in ways we don't want to act sometimes. As much as we hope to be in control of our every word and action, we make mistakes. That's life. That's adjusting to a world that is always changing. And that is okay.

Your Experiences are Not My Experiences. Your Story Is Your Own.

Have you ever been telling a friend or family member about something in your life and part way through the description, the entire conversation is suddenly about them? You could be describing your trip to Disney World and that person interrupts and starts telling you exactly when they went to Disney World and what rides they went on and what places they hate and what they thought of it, etc. They weren't listening to your experiences at all, but instead using your provided topic to think about themselves.

We aren't listening.

When you hear a story of trauma, your reaction shouldn't be, "Well _____ happened to me and..." No. Stop. This isn't your story. This is theirs. Listen to how they feel. Because no matter what you've been through in your life, it isn't what they've been through. We have different amounts of privilege, different fears, different families, different abilities, different identity-building experiences, different coping mechanisms, etc. An overheard comment made in a grocery store could change your entire outlook on the world or perception of yourself, so even members of the same family or community are not going to think exactly alike.

When a child at school is in distress, a comment by a teacher of "when I was your age" is automatically discounting the current, very real feelings of that kid. In that moment, it doesn't matter what the adult did when they were in school. This is the student's experience. Let them tell their story. Then, ask how you can help. When one parent hears another parent expressing concerns about their child, explaining what they did with their own son or daughter often just makes the new parent feel bad or judged. They are raising completely different human being in a entirely different environment and culture. Listen closely to their story. Then, give advice if it is needed.

Whether is has to do with the pandemic, politics, or injustices in the world, people are doling out judgments, creating barriers of "us vs. them", and using topics of grave importance to bolster their own reputations or social media profiles. Freedom of speech is an important thing and everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but opinions about other people's experiences just don't matter. Own your own story, but listen to others' too. Spilling out your own story without filling yourself up with others isn't very nourishing. Every story counts.

Everything Worth Doing Takes Time

In May of last year, I was planning my new start in Arizona. Obviously, I would be starting a new job and adjusting to new surroundings, but I also felt like it was a good opportunity to start some new habits. I wanted to start taking care of my skin. I wanted to start a regular workout routine. I bought Rosetta Stone and committed myself to really learning Spanish. I sucked at the first goal. Never woke up early enough to do absolutely anything for my skin. I tried hard at the 2nd by joining a gym and trying lots of classes and workout apps. Fatigue and lack of results eventually made it difficult to be consistent. For the third, I stayed committed and never went more than 2 days without practicing Spanish and completed the entire program last week. This isn't a story of success, but it isn't one of failure either. I learned a lot about time this year.

Everything...and I mean everything, if done well, takes time. I'm good at my job because I spend so much time working to make myself better. I am assessing myself and trying new things outside of work hours because it is important to me. It isn't "just a job" that I put in the minimum amount to make a living. This kind of dedication applies to everything. If fitness is going to be taken seriously, you can't just put in 20 minutes at the gym a few times a week. You have to go back every day. You have to keep pushing yourself. 

If you watch celebrity accounts on Instagram, you quickly realize that that hair and skin you envy takes a lot of time. They go to dermatologists and salons every week. They do laser treatments and wear countless serums and masks. In a recent post by singer Kelsea Ballerini, she said that it takes her over an hour every single night to do her "nightly routine."

These things don't end either. I can't just eat healthy for 6 months and be done. A house cleaned meticulously for a month won't maintain that level of clean. Even with the one goal I maintained, learning Spanish, I may have finished the program, but I am no way done. I will still have to keep practicing more and more and more to become fluent. 

Here's the really important part of this post: We don't have time for everything. As much as our society tries to make us believe we can and should be organized, financially responsible, a good parent, healthy, clean, fit, beautiful, a good spouse, smart, etc., it's just unreasonable to think one person can have enough hours in the day to commit to each of these things. I'm not saying to give up. I'm just learning to prioritize. What really matters to me? What things will I be glad I spent my hours dedicated to 20 years from now? That's different for everyone, and honestly, outside of work, I am struggling to decide what that is for me. If you do something for an hour every day for 20 years, that means you will spend over 300 days of your life doing that. That's a substantial amount. So, what is worth your time?