Whenever I take my cat, Bowser, to visit my parents, in a house with two bigger dogs, he acts erratically. Sometimes he's jumpy, every movement scaring him. Oftentimes, he retreats, hiding for hours. In the middle of petting him, he will suddenly hiss or swat me. I feel like I'm constantly defending him. "I swear he's not always like this." And he isn't. As soon as we return home, he becomes he usual adventurous, "chatty" self. But in an unpredictable setting, he becomes unpredictable.
I write this, not to tell you a story about my cat, but because I think we are all in that house right now. We're in foreign territory. Instead of dogs, we have the looming threat of Covid-19 and social unrest and an upcoming election. Our routines have been disrupted and I think, for many of us, that changes our personalities because we are trying to cope. I, like my cat, have "hissed" and been defensive around people that weren't trying to harm me. I have retreated at times and been angry at other times. I have seen many others on social media or on the news acting the same way. The world is chaotic. Our actions become chaotic.
Today, a family member of one of my students reached out to me. She wanted to thank me for helping her younger sister out "even when she was acting out." I wanted to tell her that I enjoyed having that student not "in spite" of her episodes of anger and sadness, but right through those moments. Of course I loved when she was working hard and cooperating, but I loved her just as much when she was yelling. When she stomped out of the room and I let her keep stomping until she was calmer. When she sat on the floor and cried and I sat next to her until she was ready to rejoin class. I knew that she was in that unfamiliar house. Middle school may not have big dogs, but it has bullies. It has first-loves. It has new friends and new teachers and new content. The threats are endless. Her environment was erratic. She acted erratically.
I hope my friends, my family, and my students don't ever feel too bad for lashing out or saying things they don't mean. I don't love them only when it is "easy" or only when we agree. That's not what caring for someone means. And, if I can believe that, I need to stop apologizing so much for my own missteps. Those that really care know my heart and won't throw me away when things aren't easy. We all act in ways we don't want to act sometimes. As much as we hope to be in control of our every word and action, we make mistakes. That's life. That's adjusting to a world that is always changing. And that is okay.
Wednesday, July 8, 2020
Sunday, May 31, 2020
Your Experiences are Not My Experiences. Your Story Is Your Own.
Have you ever been telling a friend or family member about something in your life and part way through the description, the entire conversation is suddenly about them? You could be describing your trip to Disney World and that person interrupts and starts telling you exactly when they went to Disney World and what rides they went on and what places they hate and what they thought of it, etc. They weren't listening to your experiences at all, but instead using your provided topic to think about themselves.
We aren't listening.
When you hear a story of trauma, your reaction shouldn't be, "Well _____ happened to me and..." No. Stop. This isn't your story. This is theirs. Listen to how they feel. Because no matter what you've been through in your life, it isn't what they've been through. We have different amounts of privilege, different fears, different families, different abilities, different identity-building experiences, different coping mechanisms, etc. An overheard comment made in a grocery store could change your entire outlook on the world or perception of yourself, so even members of the same family or community are not going to think exactly alike.
When a child at school is in distress, a comment by a teacher of "when I was your age" is automatically discounting the current, very real feelings of that kid. In that moment, it doesn't matter what the adult did when they were in school. This is the student's experience. Let them tell their story. Then, ask how you can help. When one parent hears another parent expressing concerns about their child, explaining what they did with their own son or daughter often just makes the new parent feel bad or judged. They are raising completely different human being in a entirely different environment and culture. Listen closely to their story. Then, give advice if it is needed.
Whether is has to do with the pandemic, politics, or injustices in the world, people are doling out judgments, creating barriers of "us vs. them", and using topics of grave importance to bolster their own reputations or social media profiles. Freedom of speech is an important thing and everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but opinions about other people's experiences just don't matter. Own your own story, but listen to others' too. Spilling out your own story without filling yourself up with others isn't very nourishing. Every story counts.
We aren't listening.
When you hear a story of trauma, your reaction shouldn't be, "Well _____ happened to me and..." No. Stop. This isn't your story. This is theirs. Listen to how they feel. Because no matter what you've been through in your life, it isn't what they've been through. We have different amounts of privilege, different fears, different families, different abilities, different identity-building experiences, different coping mechanisms, etc. An overheard comment made in a grocery store could change your entire outlook on the world or perception of yourself, so even members of the same family or community are not going to think exactly alike.
When a child at school is in distress, a comment by a teacher of "when I was your age" is automatically discounting the current, very real feelings of that kid. In that moment, it doesn't matter what the adult did when they were in school. This is the student's experience. Let them tell their story. Then, ask how you can help. When one parent hears another parent expressing concerns about their child, explaining what they did with their own son or daughter often just makes the new parent feel bad or judged. They are raising completely different human being in a entirely different environment and culture. Listen closely to their story. Then, give advice if it is needed.
Whether is has to do with the pandemic, politics, or injustices in the world, people are doling out judgments, creating barriers of "us vs. them", and using topics of grave importance to bolster their own reputations or social media profiles. Freedom of speech is an important thing and everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but opinions about other people's experiences just don't matter. Own your own story, but listen to others' too. Spilling out your own story without filling yourself up with others isn't very nourishing. Every story counts.
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Everything Worth Doing Takes Time
In May of last year, I was planning my new start in Arizona. Obviously, I would be starting a new job and adjusting to new surroundings, but I also felt like it was a good opportunity to start some new habits. I wanted to start taking care of my skin. I wanted to start a regular workout routine. I bought Rosetta Stone and committed myself to really learning Spanish. I sucked at the first goal. Never woke up early enough to do absolutely anything for my skin. I tried hard at the 2nd by joining a gym and trying lots of classes and workout apps. Fatigue and lack of results eventually made it difficult to be consistent. For the third, I stayed committed and never went more than 2 days without practicing Spanish and completed the entire program last week. This isn't a story of success, but it isn't one of failure either. I learned a lot about time this year.
Everything...and I mean everything, if done well, takes time. I'm good at my job because I spend so much time working to make myself better. I am assessing myself and trying new things outside of work hours because it is important to me. It isn't "just a job" that I put in the minimum amount to make a living. This kind of dedication applies to everything. If fitness is going to be taken seriously, you can't just put in 20 minutes at the gym a few times a week. You have to go back every day. You have to keep pushing yourself.
If you watch celebrity accounts on Instagram, you quickly realize that that hair and skin you envy takes a lot of time. They go to dermatologists and salons every week. They do laser treatments and wear countless serums and masks. In a recent post by singer Kelsea Ballerini, she said that it takes her over an hour every single night to do her "nightly routine."
These things don't end either. I can't just eat healthy for 6 months and be done. A house cleaned meticulously for a month won't maintain that level of clean. Even with the one goal I maintained, learning Spanish, I may have finished the program, but I am no way done. I will still have to keep practicing more and more and more to become fluent.
Here's the really important part of this post: We don't have time for everything. As much as our society tries to make us believe we can and should be organized, financially responsible, a good parent, healthy, clean, fit, beautiful, a good spouse, smart, etc., it's just unreasonable to think one person can have enough hours in the day to commit to each of these things. I'm not saying to give up. I'm just learning to prioritize. What really matters to me? What things will I be glad I spent my hours dedicated to 20 years from now? That's different for everyone, and honestly, outside of work, I am struggling to decide what that is for me. If you do something for an hour every day for 20 years, that means you will spend over 300 days of your life doing that. That's a substantial amount. So, what is worth your time?
Saturday, May 2, 2020
The Art of Staying Calm
A few years ago, a distressed student threw a laptop at me. I moved out of the way, walked over and picked it up, and checked to see if it was working without much reaction at all. After 5 years of teaching middle school, I have found that my gut reaction to absolutely any event is a poker face. It doesn't matter if there's a physical fight, a messy break-up, a temper tantrum, an incident involving blood or vomit, or a school wide lockdown. I immediately stop and think "it's not that big of a deal."
I started attempting the technique to avoid showing weakness in a classroom where I obviously didn't have control. I continued practicing it even after I had good classroom management because I felt that I was able to bring a sense of calm to the classroom, a very important thing for the turbulent lives of adolescents. This doesn't mean I didn't break down when I separated myself from the incident. During my first year of teaching, I cried in the car on the way home from work at least once a week. I still remember asking another teacher to watch my classroom for a few minutes while I broke down in a bathroom. But the more I have practiced the "Stop. Don't react." approach over and over and over, the more it has served to minimize stress in so many aspects of my life.
I bring this up because I think friends and family think I'm either 1. Not taking important issues seriously or 2. not very sympathetic. I hope you all know that I care very much. My "nonchalant" attitude toward the coronavirus pandemic isn't because I don't care about people. It's because, like a crisis in my classroom, my best way to cope was to tell myself repeatedly that it isn't a big deal and exude calm at all times. And when my best friend or family member is crying and telling me about their current crisis, whether it's in a fight in a relationship, a career frustration, or they just ruined their favorite jeans, it makes me very upset. If I am not showing that in my expressions or voice, it is only because I have gone into crisis mode. I am telling myself it's a solvable problem and am thinking about the next step to fix/alleviate that problem.
This is not a blog to give advice. I just want everyone reading this to know that I care. I may not know the right thing to say. I probably don't have a solution. I might not show my sympathy very well. If you need me though, please reach out. I can be calm. I can listen.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
I Was Thinking of You Today...
Teachers are always talking about that "lightbulb moment." I've heard about it so much that it seems cliché at this point. Teachers love when students "get it" for the first time. It validates us in our professions and shows growth in those kiddos we love so much. I like that moment too and have used it in the traditional "Why do you want to be a teacher?" interview question. It's not my favorite moment though. My favorite moment is a moment that has nothing to do with learning, but everything to do with life. I love the moments when students know they have been seen.
I have complimented my students in many ways as a teacher over the past five years. I tell them they are hard workers or I compliment their efforts on a test. I let them know about their improvement or give out smelly stickers that say "Great job!" My kids like all of those things. Who doesn't like positive attention? None of those reactions is quite as wonderful as the reaction to "I was thinking of you today/last night/yesterday/this morning..." along with something personal like a reference to a movie they like or sport they play. In those moments, it isn't just a quick "aha" or smile. Their entire body relaxes as if they lost their anxiety of the day and that classroom just became their home.
Middle school is a tough time. I remember how much I struggled with it. Not only are peer relationships tough, when you move from class to class, sometimes it's easy to avoid building any relationships at all with teachers too. All kids want to feel special, but they don't need to be creative or talented or smart or funny or pretty to be special. They are special without having to do anything. As Mr. Rogers used to say, "There's no person in the whole world like you. And I like you exactly as you are."
This isn't just true for middle school kids. Can you remember a time when a friend or family member messaged you out of the blue to bring up a shared memory or inside joke? It's an amazing feeling to know you were on someone else's mind even just for a minute. I know I think of other people randomly throughout my day as I hear a song on the radio or a certain shade of purple. I bet they would like to know they were special enough to trigger that moment in my day.
Right now, some people in the world have a heck of a lot more time on their hands. If you are one of those people, make those extra minutes count and reach out. Call someone. Text someone. Send them a hand-written letter. The world is a better place when we think of others.
I have complimented my students in many ways as a teacher over the past five years. I tell them they are hard workers or I compliment their efforts on a test. I let them know about their improvement or give out smelly stickers that say "Great job!" My kids like all of those things. Who doesn't like positive attention? None of those reactions is quite as wonderful as the reaction to "I was thinking of you today/last night/yesterday/this morning..." along with something personal like a reference to a movie they like or sport they play. In those moments, it isn't just a quick "aha" or smile. Their entire body relaxes as if they lost their anxiety of the day and that classroom just became their home.
Middle school is a tough time. I remember how much I struggled with it. Not only are peer relationships tough, when you move from class to class, sometimes it's easy to avoid building any relationships at all with teachers too. All kids want to feel special, but they don't need to be creative or talented or smart or funny or pretty to be special. They are special without having to do anything. As Mr. Rogers used to say, "There's no person in the whole world like you. And I like you exactly as you are."
This isn't just true for middle school kids. Can you remember a time when a friend or family member messaged you out of the blue to bring up a shared memory or inside joke? It's an amazing feeling to know you were on someone else's mind even just for a minute. I know I think of other people randomly throughout my day as I hear a song on the radio or a certain shade of purple. I bet they would like to know they were special enough to trigger that moment in my day.
Right now, some people in the world have a heck of a lot more time on their hands. If you are one of those people, make those extra minutes count and reach out. Call someone. Text someone. Send them a hand-written letter. The world is a better place when we think of others.
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Finding a Path to Love Yourself
Lately, I've had a hard time liking anything about myself. I look in the mirror in the morning and I immediately start picking apart my features; hating my skin, battling my hair, admonishing myself for not eating better or working out more. I go to bed at night, irritated with myself for not accomplishing anything. I lie there thinking about what I could do to be "better."
I understand that this social distancing is intensifying the problem. During the school year, I am able to create a lesson that makes me feel accomplished. I am able to feel good about myself as a teacher/hard worker/advocate for kids. I like myself in that role. I doubt my worth without it.
So I hike.
Friends and family members keep up with my hikes on social media and seem to think I'm good at it. I am not. I let everyone pass me. I have to stop and wheeze. I don't think I'm getting any better with practice. But each time I set foot on a new path, I have a mission in front of me. It's not a competition. I don't care about times or distances. I care about battling my self-doubt and making it to the top. When I make it to the top, I feel instantly good about myself.
Today, when I finished my hike, I looked in the rearview mirror of my car. I was covered in dirt and sweat. Neither my weight or my skin had improved in the slightest since my examination this morning. Regardless, I felt more beautiful. I felt strong. I liked myself. Even though I just walked a trail that thousands of others have walked before me, as I lie in bed tonight, I feel accomplished.
I hope all of you are able to find your own mountain to conquer during these disorienting times. I have seen some people that have planted some impressive gardens. Some of you have finished a book for the first time in years. Maybe your day was just spent cleaning your kitchen and that makes you feel great. It isn't the merits of the action that count. It could be as simple as putting one foot in front of the other like me.
I understand that this social distancing is intensifying the problem. During the school year, I am able to create a lesson that makes me feel accomplished. I am able to feel good about myself as a teacher/hard worker/advocate for kids. I like myself in that role. I doubt my worth without it.
So I hike.
Friends and family members keep up with my hikes on social media and seem to think I'm good at it. I am not. I let everyone pass me. I have to stop and wheeze. I don't think I'm getting any better with practice. But each time I set foot on a new path, I have a mission in front of me. It's not a competition. I don't care about times or distances. I care about battling my self-doubt and making it to the top. When I make it to the top, I feel instantly good about myself.
Today, when I finished my hike, I looked in the rearview mirror of my car. I was covered in dirt and sweat. Neither my weight or my skin had improved in the slightest since my examination this morning. Regardless, I felt more beautiful. I felt strong. I liked myself. Even though I just walked a trail that thousands of others have walked before me, as I lie in bed tonight, I feel accomplished.
I hope all of you are able to find your own mountain to conquer during these disorienting times. I have seen some people that have planted some impressive gardens. Some of you have finished a book for the first time in years. Maybe your day was just spent cleaning your kitchen and that makes you feel great. It isn't the merits of the action that count. It could be as simple as putting one foot in front of the other like me.
Sunday, April 12, 2020
Respecting Things We Don't Like
This week, I have been reading a book of short stories called Exhalation by Ted Chiang. It originally caught my eye when I saw it on Obama's 2019 reading list since he rarely chooses works of fiction. When I saw it again on The New York Times 10 Best Books of 2019, I had to buy it. The truth is I didn't really enjoy it. This wasn't a surprise. I dislike short stories generally. I am not typically a science-fiction reader. Here's the kicker though....I still whole-heatedly believe it is one of, if not the best book of 2019.
I've probably lost a lot of you at this point in the blog. You thought this is just a book review and you don't care. You've clicked away. But if I still have your attention, here is what I want to say. Things we like and things we respect do not have to be the same. As with this book, I can dislike something and still feel deep respect for it. I feel that we have fallen into a society of "us" versus "them." Anything that is different from us is automatically pushed away, disregarded, or actively attacked.
I fall into this cycle ALL THE TIME. For example, many members of my family like to watch UFC fighting. I very much dislike this sport. When they start talking about it, I have been known to: show a face of disgust, leave the conversation immediately, say "I am not a UFC person", or make a comment to bash the sport entirely. What do any of those actions accomplish?? They just make those people talking about the subject (one that excites them) feel upset, annoyed, guilty, or defensive.
People want to share things that bring them joy. People want to share what they are passionate about. I don't have to change my opinion, but I think listening to what people are sharing without using the types of actions I listed above is so, so, so important. I may not care at all about my friend's fitness routine, but if it matters to them, why not encourage them and show I respect the effort they are putting in? I have hated every fishing experience I have ever had and will almost definitely never go hunting, but if someone wants to tell me about a hunting or fishing trip, listening costs me nothing, brings the sharer joy, and might teach me something I didn't know before.
I read a book this week in a genre and a format I don't like. I have no regrets and have great respect for the art and intelligence put into that book. I also respect activists that stand up for what they believe even if I completely don't support their viewpoint. I respect artists who pour their souls into their craft even if I don't like or understand the things they create. We are all different and we enjoy different things. That's okay.
I've probably lost a lot of you at this point in the blog. You thought this is just a book review and you don't care. You've clicked away. But if I still have your attention, here is what I want to say. Things we like and things we respect do not have to be the same. As with this book, I can dislike something and still feel deep respect for it. I feel that we have fallen into a society of "us" versus "them." Anything that is different from us is automatically pushed away, disregarded, or actively attacked.
I fall into this cycle ALL THE TIME. For example, many members of my family like to watch UFC fighting. I very much dislike this sport. When they start talking about it, I have been known to: show a face of disgust, leave the conversation immediately, say "I am not a UFC person", or make a comment to bash the sport entirely. What do any of those actions accomplish?? They just make those people talking about the subject (one that excites them) feel upset, annoyed, guilty, or defensive.
People want to share things that bring them joy. People want to share what they are passionate about. I don't have to change my opinion, but I think listening to what people are sharing without using the types of actions I listed above is so, so, so important. I may not care at all about my friend's fitness routine, but if it matters to them, why not encourage them and show I respect the effort they are putting in? I have hated every fishing experience I have ever had and will almost definitely never go hunting, but if someone wants to tell me about a hunting or fishing trip, listening costs me nothing, brings the sharer joy, and might teach me something I didn't know before.
I read a book this week in a genre and a format I don't like. I have no regrets and have great respect for the art and intelligence put into that book. I also respect activists that stand up for what they believe even if I completely don't support their viewpoint. I respect artists who pour their souls into their craft even if I don't like or understand the things they create. We are all different and we enjoy different things. That's okay.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)