I tried to move away from this topic. I really did. But it's like anything: If you start thinking about it, you can't stop thinking about it. If you think about happiness, you are happier. When you start feeling sorry for yourself, you find more ways to feel sorry for yourself. When you start thinking about how hungry you are, you are suddenly 10x more hungry. Dang it. Now I'm hungry.
Since I've posted the last blog about my woes in dating, so many people have talked to me about it, that I can't thinking about everything that is wrong (with me or the state of dating). I want to make it clear that I never rejected any person based on their online profile. I was using an example of a guy I met, but I was never interested in "getting together" with said guy. I think I made that unclear. We never exchanged information. I never even seriously thought about hanging out with him again. We were drinking with a large group of people, not really getting to know each other. Coworkers, friends, and family members have lectured me about this, so I wanted to be clear. He was an example to prove a point, nothing else.
So here goes. Round 2.
Why is it different now than it ever was. Dating always sucked, right? Probably. But it has also changed in the following ways.
1. People don't "date." I can count on one hand the amount of times someone told me they went on a date with someone who wasn't their girlfriend/boyfriend. People "hook up" or "hang out" or "talk" (meaning texting, not actually talking). You don't make plans with someone together. That's a date and not what we do. Instead, we make plans with friends (going to a bar, going to a house party, going to a concert) and then casually ask someone to come along. Or just meet someone else randomly there. My generation hates defining things. It's like "boyfriend" is a scary word. Once again, we're just "hanging out". We're just "talking."
2. Online dating is the opposite and too easy to get into the tough subjects. After reading about the political and religious views, the education and experience, the height, the "what I want in a match", it's hard for me to actually see anyone as a real person. I'm pre-judging and I hate myself for that. I don't like to categorize people, but I also don't want to judge just on the picture and those are my only two options for sorting, right? Maybe I should just "like" everyone, but the thought of the countless "How was your day?" "So your a teacher?" conversations that never move anywhere makes sorting a necessity.
3. There are all these stupid technology rules. How long you should you wait between messages? Should you send a text or a snapchat? Is it appropriate to tag him/her in this post on Facebook? I can't tell you how many times my best friends thought I was mad at them or ignoring them just because of a miscommunicating text message or too much time for a reply. And those are people I know and love. Imagine how complicated this is for someone you just met.
And now that we know what sucks about the world of dating, here's what sucks about me in particular:
1. I have literally no idea what I want. In that "What you are looking for in a partner" section, I have no idea what to put. I definitely don't want to be centered on a certain appearance. I kept thinking we needed to have similar interests, but most couples I know have very different hobbies and they work out fine. Then, I thought I should limit it to college-educated guys, but I have plenty of friends without Bachelor's degrees that I get along with. I like people who voted for different candidates than I did. I actually like learning about the religions and beliefs of new people. I love learning from people who work in entirely different professions. I don't even care that much if they are out-going or shy. So what am I looking for? I just want a good person. But what makes a good person? I honestly think there are criminals and drug addicts that are essentially "good people", so this is a difficult thing to define.
2. I never meet anyone in person. Ever. This is because I have a very limited network of friends. I'm not super close to my coworkers. I know lots of people that I could probably hang out with, but I'm either 1. always busy with school and work and am too tired to make plans or 2. I'm too scared to reach out because I'm afraid of rejection (even with my cousins or people I've known for years).
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
The Books That Shaped Me
***First off, I just want to thank anybody that is reading this. After last week's post, I had not only several Facebook comments, also a few texts and people that came up to me in person to either share their similar experiences with dating or give advice. This was amazing because not only were people reading my blog (which I never expect, but always love to hear), but these people also cared enough to reach out to me. I am so grateful for all of you amazing people.***
Now, on to my next topic. I was lucky enough to have awesome parents that took me to a book festival over spring break in Tucson. I got to hear several authors speak and even got an autograph from one author that really inspires me. It was such a cool event. One question on a panel that I heard was "What books inspired you as a child?" The author's had a variety of answers, but it got me thinking about what books really shaped me into the reader and writer and person I am today.
It was really difficult to narrow them down. My Goodreads account says I've read 523 books to date and that doesn't include picture books. I have revised this list several times in the last few days, but I really think the ones I included were the most meaningful in my life up to now.
1. The Trumpet of the Swan. I had a set of E.B. White books that my mom read to me when I was very young. I remember loving all of them, but for some reason The Trumpet of the Swan stands out the most. I can't even remember how old I was when my mom read it to me, so I'm not sure why it was so impactful, but I really believe this was the first book I really loved.
2. Bridge to Terabithia. I read this book 3 times in 4th grade. If I remember right, it was an assigned book for 6th graders, but my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Johnson, moved from 6th to 4th grade that year and brought the book with him. I could tell he really loved the book and I fell in love with it too. I wanted to badly to be like Leslie and escape into my own world of imagination. I cried even on the third reading. This was also during a time when I started really beinig interested in writing and I modeled my writing after Katherine Paterson.
3. Harry Potter. This isn't just one book, but there is no question in my mind that I would be a different person if I didn't have Harry Potter in my life. Harry Potter taught my generation many lessons about growing up and bravery and relationships. My mom also read most of these books to us, even as we got older and didn't have books read to us anymore. I have very fond memories of Josh and I sprawled out on my parents' bed as my mom read to us and we begged her for one more chapter.
4. The Giver. I would say that dystopian fiction is my favorite book genre and that has a lot to do with this book. I read it in 6th grade I believe and was utterly captivated by it. I remember I started asking a lot of "what if" questions at that time. It made me think about the world in a broader sense, just at the right time as I was maturing and able to think more critically.
5. The Truth About Forever. Sarah Dessen books basically define my high school self. She captures teenage girl emotions like a pro. This was my first book of hers and still the most memorable. Although truly just a typical teen romance book, at the time it felt like the first "grown-up" book I had read. I fell in love with my first (and definitely not last) fictional character.
6. Looking for Alaska. As I write this last one, I realize that none of my books are very happy ones. I believe every single one deals with death in some way. I wonder what that says about me. I think maybe the books that made me cry or feel a powerful emotion like that implanted themselves in my memory more permanently. This John Green book was no exception. I actually remember where I was when I read this book. I was a junior in high school and I was visiting my grandpa in Arizona. I bought the book for the plane ride, but couldn't get it out of my head when I landed. I ended up lying my the pool reading this book for hours on that trip. I still find myself imitating Green's writing style whenever I write fiction because his humor and raw emotion is so easy to connect with.
Now, on to my next topic. I was lucky enough to have awesome parents that took me to a book festival over spring break in Tucson. I got to hear several authors speak and even got an autograph from one author that really inspires me. It was such a cool event. One question on a panel that I heard was "What books inspired you as a child?" The author's had a variety of answers, but it got me thinking about what books really shaped me into the reader and writer and person I am today.
It was really difficult to narrow them down. My Goodreads account says I've read 523 books to date and that doesn't include picture books. I have revised this list several times in the last few days, but I really think the ones I included were the most meaningful in my life up to now.
1. The Trumpet of the Swan. I had a set of E.B. White books that my mom read to me when I was very young. I remember loving all of them, but for some reason The Trumpet of the Swan stands out the most. I can't even remember how old I was when my mom read it to me, so I'm not sure why it was so impactful, but I really believe this was the first book I really loved.
2. Bridge to Terabithia. I read this book 3 times in 4th grade. If I remember right, it was an assigned book for 6th graders, but my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Johnson, moved from 6th to 4th grade that year and brought the book with him. I could tell he really loved the book and I fell in love with it too. I wanted to badly to be like Leslie and escape into my own world of imagination. I cried even on the third reading. This was also during a time when I started really beinig interested in writing and I modeled my writing after Katherine Paterson.
3. Harry Potter. This isn't just one book, but there is no question in my mind that I would be a different person if I didn't have Harry Potter in my life. Harry Potter taught my generation many lessons about growing up and bravery and relationships. My mom also read most of these books to us, even as we got older and didn't have books read to us anymore. I have very fond memories of Josh and I sprawled out on my parents' bed as my mom read to us and we begged her for one more chapter.
4. The Giver. I would say that dystopian fiction is my favorite book genre and that has a lot to do with this book. I read it in 6th grade I believe and was utterly captivated by it. I remember I started asking a lot of "what if" questions at that time. It made me think about the world in a broader sense, just at the right time as I was maturing and able to think more critically.
5. The Truth About Forever. Sarah Dessen books basically define my high school self. She captures teenage girl emotions like a pro. This was my first book of hers and still the most memorable. Although truly just a typical teen romance book, at the time it felt like the first "grown-up" book I had read. I fell in love with my first (and definitely not last) fictional character.
6. Looking for Alaska. As I write this last one, I realize that none of my books are very happy ones. I believe every single one deals with death in some way. I wonder what that says about me. I think maybe the books that made me cry or feel a powerful emotion like that implanted themselves in my memory more permanently. This John Green book was no exception. I actually remember where I was when I read this book. I was a junior in high school and I was visiting my grandpa in Arizona. I bought the book for the plane ride, but couldn't get it out of my head when I landed. I ended up lying my the pool reading this book for hours on that trip. I still find myself imitating Green's writing style whenever I write fiction because his humor and raw emotion is so easy to connect with.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Why Dating in the 21st Century Sucks
I wasn't dating (online or otherwise) a year ago. Wasn't even really thinking about it. Sure, I'd casually flipped through my Tinder app when I was bored. But I always imagined I'd meet someone someday and I didn't have to actively seek someone. About six months ago, I was given a reality check.
Someone at work asked me, like many people do, if I was in a relationship. I gave my usual negative response, but unlike most responses like "it will happen someday" or "you don't need a man", this particular coworker prodded more. Did I date? Was I going places to meet people? Had I tried online dating? I was initially taken aback by the questions. I was worried I gave the impression I was lonely or in need of help. I'm still not sure what made her ask these questions, but what the conversation made me realize is that I was waiting and not acting.
In high school, I always imagined I'd meet someone in college classes. In college, I just thought I'd meet someone wherever I worked. Nobody I know really dates. They meet someone at a party or on Tinder or at an event and that is it--they are together. I believed that it would just "happen" when someone was interested in me and that the lack of interest I was getting was because I was personally unattractive/uninteresting/too awkward/ too shy/too talkative/overweight, etc. This waiting game was causing me to be less confident all the time. I needed to do something.
This coworker suggested I get active in online dating because then I could figure out what I liked (or didn't like) and go out on dates. Remember, this was six months ago. And I took her advice. I felt compelled to take action. I paid for a Match membership and started going onto Tinder and Bumble daily. I sent messages to many people. I worked to make my profiles more appealing. So far, I've been on a total of zero dates. So much for a confidence boost.
So, is my lack of success online because I'm too picky or unappealing? Or, does online dating just suck? Of course, the third option sounds the best to me because I don't have to confront my flaws. If I were to confront them, I would say both of the first two options are possible. But there is also a big hole in online dating. It's all based on a few pictures and set of stats (even on those more sophisticated websites like Match). No one (men or women) will read the profile or look at your interests or message you unless they think your picture is attractive. What is missing is the warmth or humor that can't be captured in a photo.
Over the past month or so, I was giving up on online dating. It worked for some people, but not for me. Then, I had a weekend in Omaha. I met a guy at a bar. He was a friend of a friend. The first thing he said to me made me laugh out loud. He showed me his tattoos and was super easy to talk to. We danced and had a great time. And I couldn't help thinking that if this guy had been on any online dating site that I wouldn't have given him a second glance. It wasn't his looks that made him attractive. He didn't stand out to me at all until he started talking. I was angry at myself for being so shallow.
BUT...the next day I learned the power of those dating website statistics. I searched the guy from the bar up on Facebook. What I found out very quickly was that we were from two different worlds. We had different education levels, different political standpoints, different lifestyles entirely. Suddenly, I wished I'd been about to screen this before meeting him, so I would have known we were so incompatible. Isn't that crazy?
So...I don't know what steps to take from here. Maybe I should stop trying so hard and work on the "let it happen" stance I used to have. Or maybe I need to work on taking better photos. Maybe I should stop screening by education and beliefs and age, etc. Ugh. Why can't it be as easy as every movie ever made?
Someone at work asked me, like many people do, if I was in a relationship. I gave my usual negative response, but unlike most responses like "it will happen someday" or "you don't need a man", this particular coworker prodded more. Did I date? Was I going places to meet people? Had I tried online dating? I was initially taken aback by the questions. I was worried I gave the impression I was lonely or in need of help. I'm still not sure what made her ask these questions, but what the conversation made me realize is that I was waiting and not acting.
In high school, I always imagined I'd meet someone in college classes. In college, I just thought I'd meet someone wherever I worked. Nobody I know really dates. They meet someone at a party or on Tinder or at an event and that is it--they are together. I believed that it would just "happen" when someone was interested in me and that the lack of interest I was getting was because I was personally unattractive/uninteresting/too awkward/ too shy/too talkative/overweight, etc. This waiting game was causing me to be less confident all the time. I needed to do something.
This coworker suggested I get active in online dating because then I could figure out what I liked (or didn't like) and go out on dates. Remember, this was six months ago. And I took her advice. I felt compelled to take action. I paid for a Match membership and started going onto Tinder and Bumble daily. I sent messages to many people. I worked to make my profiles more appealing. So far, I've been on a total of zero dates. So much for a confidence boost.
So, is my lack of success online because I'm too picky or unappealing? Or, does online dating just suck? Of course, the third option sounds the best to me because I don't have to confront my flaws. If I were to confront them, I would say both of the first two options are possible. But there is also a big hole in online dating. It's all based on a few pictures and set of stats (even on those more sophisticated websites like Match). No one (men or women) will read the profile or look at your interests or message you unless they think your picture is attractive. What is missing is the warmth or humor that can't be captured in a photo.
Over the past month or so, I was giving up on online dating. It worked for some people, but not for me. Then, I had a weekend in Omaha. I met a guy at a bar. He was a friend of a friend. The first thing he said to me made me laugh out loud. He showed me his tattoos and was super easy to talk to. We danced and had a great time. And I couldn't help thinking that if this guy had been on any online dating site that I wouldn't have given him a second glance. It wasn't his looks that made him attractive. He didn't stand out to me at all until he started talking. I was angry at myself for being so shallow.
BUT...the next day I learned the power of those dating website statistics. I searched the guy from the bar up on Facebook. What I found out very quickly was that we were from two different worlds. We had different education levels, different political standpoints, different lifestyles entirely. Suddenly, I wished I'd been about to screen this before meeting him, so I would have known we were so incompatible. Isn't that crazy?
So...I don't know what steps to take from here. Maybe I should stop trying so hard and work on the "let it happen" stance I used to have. Or maybe I need to work on taking better photos. Maybe I should stop screening by education and beliefs and age, etc. Ugh. Why can't it be as easy as every movie ever made?
Monday, March 6, 2017
March Gladness Challenge
Right now at my school, students and staff are participating in a "March Gladness Challenge." It is focused on maintaining a positive school climate and belief that attitude is often a choice and we can share happiness with others to make the school/world a better place. It seems like this time of year I usually get a little down and need to remind myself of energy boosting activities and happy moments, so I decided to continue this on my blog this week. These are some things I did in the past week that made me feel truly happy.
1. A few days last week, I turned music up really loud in my house. I danced and jogged and sang strutted around the house for a few hours. This is by far my favorite way to get 10,000 steps. Even after a long day at work, it makes me feel really happy for a while. Also, I have found that my house is way cleaner because when I walk by a piece of trash a few times, I usually pick it up. When my sister was here last weekend, she did the jam session with me and that was great too.
2. I am always happy when reading a book. I love when I find one I can't put down. Most recently, that was A Discovery of Witches, which was a fairly long book that I couldn't wait to pick up on every free moment.
3. I opened the windows and laid in the sun on my bed. Just listening to the wind and soaking up that heat (especially in March) made me supremely happy.
4. My after school group had no homework at all last Friday, so I was trying to entertain them last week. Somehow, we got on the topic of fish, so I told them a story about my suicidal Beta fish that would jump out of his bowl. The kids laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, I played North America, a documentary, for them and they were very engaged, watching all the animals and asking all kinds of questions. That was a super fun day.
5. I made brownies. The actual process of baking anything, even as simple as brownie mix, is usually happiness for me.
6. I took time picking out an outfit and doing my hair and makeup last Tuesday. I don't do this nearly enough because I always say "I shouldn't have to dress up every day." or "I just want to be comfortable." It's so weird how much better my day goes when I feel like I look good.
I also think it is a happiness boost when you have something to look forward to. I am looking forward to spring break in Arizona. I'd like to hike somewhere and lay by the pool. And of course see my parents. I talk to them on the phone quite often, but there's nothing like a hug in person (and kisses from my dogs). I'm also looking forward to a Billy Joel concert in a few weeks with a coworker. And I might get tickets to Tim McGraw and Faith Hill in May. And I'm planning on seeing Jim Gaffigan in July. I also plan to take a trip somewhere this summer--maybe Chicago or Denver or Minneapolis or Las Vegas. And I'm even looking forward to work-related things like book club activities next quarter and new activity ideas I have for next year. This forward-thinking makes me happier than when I am stuck thinking about the meeting I have on Wednesday or the homework I need to grade tonight.
So smile everyone. And think about things that make you happy or could make you happy soon. It's a wonderful day to start anew. :)
1. A few days last week, I turned music up really loud in my house. I danced and jogged and sang strutted around the house for a few hours. This is by far my favorite way to get 10,000 steps. Even after a long day at work, it makes me feel really happy for a while. Also, I have found that my house is way cleaner because when I walk by a piece of trash a few times, I usually pick it up. When my sister was here last weekend, she did the jam session with me and that was great too.
2. I am always happy when reading a book. I love when I find one I can't put down. Most recently, that was A Discovery of Witches, which was a fairly long book that I couldn't wait to pick up on every free moment.
3. I opened the windows and laid in the sun on my bed. Just listening to the wind and soaking up that heat (especially in March) made me supremely happy.
4. My after school group had no homework at all last Friday, so I was trying to entertain them last week. Somehow, we got on the topic of fish, so I told them a story about my suicidal Beta fish that would jump out of his bowl. The kids laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, I played North America, a documentary, for them and they were very engaged, watching all the animals and asking all kinds of questions. That was a super fun day.
5. I made brownies. The actual process of baking anything, even as simple as brownie mix, is usually happiness for me.
6. I took time picking out an outfit and doing my hair and makeup last Tuesday. I don't do this nearly enough because I always say "I shouldn't have to dress up every day." or "I just want to be comfortable." It's so weird how much better my day goes when I feel like I look good.
I also think it is a happiness boost when you have something to look forward to. I am looking forward to spring break in Arizona. I'd like to hike somewhere and lay by the pool. And of course see my parents. I talk to them on the phone quite often, but there's nothing like a hug in person (and kisses from my dogs). I'm also looking forward to a Billy Joel concert in a few weeks with a coworker. And I might get tickets to Tim McGraw and Faith Hill in May. And I'm planning on seeing Jim Gaffigan in July. I also plan to take a trip somewhere this summer--maybe Chicago or Denver or Minneapolis or Las Vegas. And I'm even looking forward to work-related things like book club activities next quarter and new activity ideas I have for next year. This forward-thinking makes me happier than when I am stuck thinking about the meeting I have on Wednesday or the homework I need to grade tonight.
So smile everyone. And think about things that make you happy or could make you happy soon. It's a wonderful day to start anew. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)