Things I Gained in 2020

 Most years, and especially this year, we take this time on January 1st to think about the future. We create goals and make plans. We think about what we want to change about ourselves and the world. I, like everyone, have many hopes for the year 2021 and plan to continue working to become a better me. 2020 has been a year in which I have gained weight, stress, and impatience. There have been many, many times in this anxiety-filled year in which I reacted poorly to the situations around me. However, in thinking toward the future, I don't want to discount my present. No matter how many times I have lost my temper or cried, I am not a bad person that needs to change everything about my life. Also, not every single moment of this year has been a disaster. I've gained some wonderful things too. So here are some positive things I gained in 2020:

1. Connections with Friends: This year had the potential to be one of the loneliest years of my life in the midst of a pandemic that made travel difficult. However, early on in the stay-at-home era, I downloaded an app called Marco Polo and connected with my friends from across the country. Before this year, my contact with friends was limited to pictures on social media or text messages whenever we had a moment in our busy schedules. Now, almost every day I talk to my friends. I listen to them talk about their lives, both struggles and celebrations, and am able to vent my own frustrations or happy moments with them without waiting for someone to be available to hang out. 

2. A Really Exciting New Job: In May, I decided to change my career path in a major way and leave my middle school classroom. Working at the district level this year, I have been able to teach students ages 5 to 12 who speak a variety of languages. I have danced along to alphabet songs and had really great discussions with a group of thoughtful 5th graders. I have learned so much from an incredible team of coworkers and have actually enjoyed every moment of virtual teaching. Like every year, I know I am a better teacher than I was last year and so look forward to working with students for a lifetime.

3. A Lot of Knowledge: I read 60 books this year and made my goal! I read science fiction and fantasy, thriller and even nonfiction. I read books by authors from 5 different countries. I learned about the Vietnam War, injustice in the justice system, and the future of agriculture. Some books made me fall in love. Others made me cry. Each book, regardless of genre or topic, made me think differently about the world around me. I also studied Spanish almost every day. I learned more about technology due to the emergence of virtual learning and actually taught my first professional development courses to other teachers. I tried new recipes and new logic puzzles and even played around with a new skincare and makeup routine. 2020 did not halt my progress in terms of learning at all.

4. An Appreciation for the Little Things: When it's safe again, I will never take a hug or a high-five for granted. Man, do I miss them. I miss smiles at the store and big open-mouthed laughter with others. I also appreciate the grocery store stockers and pharmacy workers, when I never gave them a second thought before. I hope I will go into the coming years remembering to appreciate all the little pieces of the world that make it this amazing planet I live in and not take anything for granted again. 

I hope all of you have also gained some wonderful things in 2020, despite all we have lost or been without. Happy New Year!

Yeah, I'm Picky.

     "You are the pickiest child," my mom said to me as I walked out of a yet another store without buying anything. I'm 28 years old and she's been saying this to me as long as I can remember. She's not alone. Friends from elementary school to now have bemoaned my pickiness. It's definitely not a trait that has attracted a lot of people into my life. However, it's also not something that I am in denial about or that I struggle to change. I know I'm picky. I fully accept that piece of myself. While I prefer the term "selective", I'm perfectly content being whichever synonym you want to use. I know what I want and I don't settle for less. 

    I knew I was picky from an early age. Food was the most obvious first indicator. It wasn't that I was selfish and wanted meals catered to me. I just knew what I didn't like and no matter how many times I was asked to "try it again", I knew it wouldn't change. I learned how to adapt. I scraped potatoes from the skin and picked out tomato chunks. If there might be onions in that casserole, I just won't use my teeth and then there's no chance for a crunch to ruin my entire meal. When it comes to salad, however, I have no tricks. I just politely decline. 

    Later, it was clothes. While my classmates all wore t-shirts and gym shorts each day, I knew what I wanted to wear and that wasn't it. I wore dresses and layered shirts and coordinated accessories. I didn't let the taunts or the whispers about my clothing change what I liked. I'm also picky about shows and movies. I remember going with my family to the theater and choosing to go to a different movie than they went to several times. I didn't need them sitting beside me to enjoy the movies I chose. I don't watch the shows that "everyone is watching" or those that win the most awards either. I just watch what I like. 

    I know some of you read this and think are labeling me as difficult or selfish or high-maintenance. I can understand that. Honestly, though, one my favorite things about myself has always been my steadfast sense of self. I don't rely on anyone to make decisions for me. I follow my heart and it has served me well. I have beliefs that aren't based on what my family or community or any news station tells me, but my own personal convictions. I'm not afraid to be different or "weird". At work, I'm not afraid to take what I learn and make it my own. Because I'm "picky", I have a very strong sense of who I am. Most days, I really like that person. 

    The most common time I am labeled as picky in recent years has been in terms of searching for a boyfriend. I have reflected upon this a lot. Am I judging people too harshly? Are my standards too high? While I might believe that in moments of weakness, I know that I am a loving, considerate, accepting person. That doesn't mean I have to let everyone in. If someone, whether it's a guy, a friend (new or old), or a family member, makes me feel insecure or bad about myself, I don't want that in my life. If someone talks at me and doesn't create space to listen, I don't want it. If someone is rude to a server (or anyone for that matter), I don't want to be part of that. I can compromise and adapt, but some things are like salads, and I just have to say, "No, thank you."

    I know myself well enough to know that when I do open myself up and let someone into my life, I will devote a big chunk of myself to that person. Currently, I spend nights worrying about friends. I send gifts "just because." I constantly think about how to make those I love feel less stressed or unhappy. I will spend hours listening to someone talk. That's the person I am. So if a guy isn't willing to think about what I want or need before their own desires, any relationship I might pursue would be one-sided and draining. Someone I worked with yesterday (yes I work on Saturdays) said, "I think women are always worried about being good enough for a man. They worry about their appearance and hold back their personalities to be accommodating. It took me a long time to start asking myself, 'Is he good enough for me?'" 

     So far, I haven't met a man that cared for me enough to put in the effort I deserve. I'm okay with the judgement and the lectures from my friends and family. They come from a good place from people that care. But I know my worth. So, yeah, I'm picky.

Walking Blindly Forward

Every time I go on a hike, I have a destination in mind. I follow a trail that I planned for and I work my way up to a peak. Sometimes the path is fun and beautiful. Sometimes I have to work really, really hard and I want to stop. Sometimes I end up altering my route. My life is like this path, full of variety, but also always having a direction in mind. Then, this year I looked ahead and the path was washed out. It suddenly got very dark and I had no idea where I was going. 

I think most of us are feeling that blind, directionless feeling. Over the past 8 months we've been waiting. Waiting for schools to reopen. Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting for election results. And being stopped in our tracks without a clear time table or answers, I admit at times I've been angry. I've been scared. And frustrated. And really, really sad. It's a difficult hike right now. 

We might not see the path, but I believe there's still one there. We'll never get back on the exact same hike again. It's washed out and I accept that. I believe however, that there is a lot of beauty still around us. I also believe the sun will come up again and we will find our footing as individuals and as a community again. Hope and faith are extremely important resources to hold onto. 

Another important factor on this difficult hike is to look for support around you. I think that the only way to get better/stronger/wiser is to surround yourself with people that believe in you. So, look around at your fellow hikers. Are they going to pull you up and cheer you on or just complain and make the hike more difficult? You can always take a different path from them, even if they are family. By holding onto the believers and the cheerleaders, your community with grow stronger together. Thank you to all my fellow hikers. I am thankful for your support every day. You know who you are. And don't be afraid to reach out your hand when you need help up the mountain. 

The Big, Bad Monster In My Life

When I was a kid, I watched countless shows and movies filled with villains being defeated by the protagonist. Strangely enough, those circumstances have never presented themselves in my real, adult life. There's no evil villains in gigantic space ships trying to take over the world. I haven't encountered any evil witches. No giant, green monsters. Obviously, there is a lot of terrible things happening in the world. However, I have found the the monster I have to battle in every "episode" of my life is actually one I create.

Just like as a kid, I actually reviewed this life lesson through the plot of a cartoon. I'm a regular viewer of the show Bob's Burgers. On Sunday evenings, it begins my week with a laugh. However, the season premiere this year seemed like less of a window and more of a mirror. In the episode, the title character starts with a pretty ordinary problem. He can't find the key to his safe. His daughter needs her birth certificate inside of it. But on his quest to find the key, he lets this problem snowball. He starts beating himself up about being so unorganized. He calls himself a bad father. As he sifts through junk, he starts believing this mess means he is lazy and unmotivated and worthless. He begins to dwell on a lot of questions starting with "Why didn't I...?" 

So lost in the failings of his past, Bob can't move forward in his mission. He loses faith and energy and falls asleep. In his dream, he has become very small. The trash becomes a literal monster, towering over him. As he fights the monster, a friend keeps trying to convince him that he isn't worthless, but with every compliment, Bob shoots it down. "I'm not really that good of a cook." "I am not that creative." It isn't until he changes his mindset and starts acknowledging his accomplishments and his talents that he is able to defeat the monster. With each positive affirmation, he grew. 

Man, did that resonate with me. I have had many times in my life when I've created monsters of negativity. I make one mistake, like forgetting my ID, and start piling on every mistake I've ever made. I use any mishap as validation of my inadequacy. Like Bob, I need to change the response. I need to move forward and not look back at things that can't be changed. I need to feed myself and not that monster. By taking time in every situation to purposefully exude positivity and encouragement, I can become the superhero of my childhood fantasies. If I can defeat my own monster, I can defeat anything. 

What Virtual Teaching Looks and Sounds Like

Today, I started my day with a group of 5th graders. Through my computer screen, I was introduced to three dogs, two cats, and a bunny. Two students ate breakfast in between responses about prefixes. One showed off his pretty amazing drawing skills to illustrate a character in the story I had read. Another introduced me to her three siblings, all "doing school" at the same dining room table. A few shy students didn't turn on their cameras, but when I asked them about a favorite place to visit, they turned their mics on and told me stories about their summer trip the Grand Canyon or their cousins in Mexico. 

All of that was before 9:00. 

Virtual teaching is a new and somewhat scary experience for everyone. I understand the stress many teachers are feeling. This type of instruction can provide a multitude of frustrations, such as lagging video and wandering students. But I also find it refreshing. I get to witness students in their homes. I watch their family dynamics and see their comfort as they sit in their bed or walk to the sink for a drink of water. I hear them turning to their parents or siblings to speak in Spanish or Arabic or French. I see the posters on their walls.

Because of online teaching, I have also been able to bring together students from different schools in my online sessions. They may have never met each other otherwise, but now light up when they see their "new friends" log into the Google Meet. I teach students ranging from Kindergarten to 6th grade this year, so some of my day involves watching 5-year-olds wiggle and dance and draw "fishies" I spend another portion of my day witnessing pre-teens yelling at their younger siblings that they are attempting to babysit during their school day. In the classroom, it's hard to fully imagine the people my students are outside the classroom.

So, while I look forward to walking into classroom communities and watching students work together and play very soon, I want to take this time and appreciate my students how they are and where they are right now. Some are in comfort. Some are in chaos. For an hour a day, they are in my class, even if that class is just my face on a screen. I am so glad I get to be a part of their day.

Some favorite quotes:

Me: I know that was your sister is answering the questions for you.

Her: How did you know?

Me: Well, first of all, most students don't turn off their camera every time they are called on. 

Coworker (overheard): Aren't those supposed to be in a cage?? (It was pet birds.)

Me: You couldn't get out of bed for class?

Him: That would involve putting on clothes.

Student (looking around for proper nouns in his house): I found a Woolpooh!

Me: A what?

Student: (runs to his refrigerator and shows me "Whirlpool" brand)

Me: Oh. That says Whirlpool. Good job.

Him: My Woolpooh makes ice! (proceeds to hit the ice machine with his hand and I watch ice fall all over the floor).

Me: Anna, what did you draw as your favorite food?

Her: Well, I did rainbow spaghetti, but my mom says that isn't a food. So, I drew a pancake. That is your favorite food and I want to be your friend. 

I'm Not Guilty of Any Crime

Today at work, I was working at a table working alone and I looked up and saw someone across the room. I hurriedly pulled up my mask, which was dangling around my chin. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I spent the next hour of work feeling guilty. This is not a unique story. Just this week, I have admonished myself in the following ways:

The kitchen is a mess. Why can't I just get it together?

I forgot to ask about her sick mother. I am so selfish.

I lost my phone again. What is wrong with me?

I ate way too much. This is why I look so awful.

I was the last one to walk into the meeting. I look so unprofessional.

The truth is that today I was at least 10 feet away from that coworker when I took off my mask. I was late for no meetings. I hurt no one. I had not broken a single rule. No one reprimanded me. When it comes to myself, I play the role of prosecution, but never the defense. I'm guilty when I say the wrong thing or talk too much. I'm also guilty when I don't speak up or don't reach out. I don't have to provide proof. Even when I defend my actions to others, I've already convicted myself. Consequently, I don't sleep.

This is not to say I think I'm a bad person. I think I'm smart and hard-working. I'm caring and helpful. I just find it hard to forgive myself for any mistake. And I make a lot of them.

Like usual with these posts, I don't have any answers. One thing I do that I am proud of, though, is I always try to improve. So tonight, I looked into what I could do. The following are some tips I learned after reading several psychology magazine articles. I thought I'd share on here in case they empower anyone else with similar excessive guilt and I might just need to come back to this blog again...and again.

1. Pay attention to your accomplishments. I already practice gratitude and naming things I am thankful for each day, which helps me stay positive, but ending the day by naming something you accomplished incites a sense of "self-gratitude" rather than self-judgment.

2. Imagine if roles were reversed. A lot of my guilt stems from what I believe others think of me. If I take the same situation and imagine how I would feel if my coworker or friend or family member did the same thing, it is likely I would be much, much more understanding. I need to treat myself as I treat others.

3. Realize it's okay to take care of your own needs. This year, I've been doing workouts on an app called FitOn (it's free and I highly recommend it by the way). One of the reasons I like it so much is that almost every coach on the app reiterates this sentiment: You know yourself better than anyone else so do what's best for you. They tell me to stop if I need to. They say to modify workouts if I need to. They tell me I can fall down in yoga and I shouldn't feel ashamed. Some of the most guilt-driven moments in my life have centered around exercise. I was guilty when I let down my PE or recess team because I was bad at every sport. I was guilty when my parents would come to softball or volleyball games and I wouldn't get to play. I was guilty every time I broke something due to my awful coordination. I was guilty when I couldn't keep up in Zumba/Barre/HIIT classes. With FitOn, I finally feel like the exercise is "me time" and isn't affecting anyone else at all. I want to think more about how I can serve my own needs without worrying about the needs of others (and also without feeling selfish). This one might take a lifetime, but life is just a work in progress.

I Don't Just Love You When It's Easy

Whenever I take my cat, Bowser, to visit my parents, in a house with two bigger dogs, he acts erratically. Sometimes he's jumpy, every movement scaring him. Oftentimes, he retreats, hiding for hours. In the middle of petting him, he will suddenly hiss or swat me. I feel like I'm constantly defending him. "I swear he's not always like this." And he isn't. As soon as we return home, he becomes he usual adventurous, "chatty" self. But in an unpredictable setting, he becomes unpredictable.

I write this, not to tell you a story about my cat, but because I think we are all in that house right now. We're in foreign territory. Instead of dogs, we have the looming threat of Covid-19 and social unrest and an upcoming election. Our routines have been disrupted and I think, for many of us, that changes our personalities because we are trying to cope.  I, like my cat, have "hissed" and been defensive around people that weren't trying to harm me. I have retreated at times and been angry at other times. I have seen many others on social media or on the news acting the same way. The world is chaotic. Our actions become chaotic.

Today, a family member of one of my students reached out to me. She wanted to thank me for helping her younger sister out "even when she was acting out." I wanted to tell her that I enjoyed having that student not "in spite" of her episodes of anger and sadness, but right through those moments. Of course I loved when she was working hard and cooperating, but I loved her just as much when she was yelling. When she stomped out of the room and I let her keep stomping until she was calmer. When she sat on the floor and cried and I sat next to her until she was ready to rejoin class. I knew that she was in that unfamiliar house. Middle school may not have big dogs, but it has bullies. It has first-loves. It has new friends and new teachers and new content. The threats are endless. Her environment was erratic. She acted erratically.

I hope my friends, my family, and my students don't ever feel too bad for lashing out or saying things they don't mean. I don't love them only when it is "easy" or only when we agree. That's not what caring for someone means. And, if I can believe that, I need to stop apologizing so much for my own missteps. Those that really care know my heart and won't throw me away when things aren't easy. We all act in ways we don't want to act sometimes. As much as we hope to be in control of our every word and action, we make mistakes. That's life. That's adjusting to a world that is always changing. And that is okay.