Go Ahead and Reach Out

 Something that a lot of people assume about me is that I enjoy being alone. It is true I am unafraid to go to a movie or out to eat on my own. I love the stillness of a solo hike and the freedom of traveling with only my own destinations in mind. Even this weekend, I am looking forward to having the apartment to myself. However, that doesn't mean I don't want to talk to others. In this pandemic, more than any other time, I have learned how much I crave human interaction. 

"They don't want to hear from me." "They are busy with their significant other." "It will make me seem desperate or lonely." These are things I have told myself my entire adult life. Recently, I have decided these assumptions are just plain wrong. 

A few weeks back, a friend asked me if it would be weird if she bought a birthday gift for a friend she just met. "Everyone appreciates a gift," I said. The truth is, everyone appreciates being thought of in general. When a friend calls me or messages me, even if they are just needing to vent, I always feel good that they thought of me. 

Asking someone for advice isn't automatically a burden. It shows that you trust them and their opinion. Asking someone if they want to do something with you doesn't make you seem desperate. It makes them feel sought after. And while a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife or especially children can create less time for other relationships, it shouldn't be a reason to not reach out. 

I've realized that most people, like me, are hoping others will reach out to them. We are all like middle schoolers with crushes, self-conscious about how others perceive us and so fearful of being rejected, that we wait for others to come to us. Have I been ignored or rejected? Of course. But have some of my best memories started for taking a chance and reaching out to someone that I wanted to hang out with? Definitely. 

You Deserve to Eat

 I know a lot of people are starting the year with diets. Maybe you are avoiding carbs or added sugar. Maybe you are loading up on protein or drinking gallons of water each day. Whatever you are doing, I hope that is going well. I am rooting you on with whatever you do. But for anyone out there that needs to hear this, you deserve to eat. Even if you didn't go to the gym today. Even if the number on the scale isn't what you'd like. Even if you ate a big breakfast. You are worthy of food when you are hungry. Period. I am so tired of us demonizing food and therefore ourselves or others who eat those foods. 

To the coworker who walks by the bowl of Starburst on my desk each day with a pained look on her face because that one piece of candy is totally off-limits, I really wish you'd enjoy a moment of bliss on the way back to your desk. 

To the coworker who makes comments about how much she needs to lose every single day, I think you are wonderful and I hope you can appreciate many things your body can do in spite of any number.

To the coworker who watches what everyone else eats at lunch and tries to explain her choices for her own meal, you don't have to justify your own worth. I wish you would start enjoying your lunch instead of stressing about it. And when I don't eat, it is because I promise I'm just not hungry. I'm not better than you. 

And most importantly, to myself, guilt should not be an ingredient of any food. It was okay to trash that broccoli because it didn't taste good. It was okay that you ate that whole plate of nachos when you were really hungry. No matter what my size, I deserve to eat. 

Stand Tall

 When I took photos with friends in high school, I used to always lean over or squat down. I didn't want to be the awkward, tall friend. For so many years, I tried to make myself smaller. While our society values big, tall men, I can assure you that most people don't feel the same about women. Never once have I heard a positive comment from someone about my height (unless they are asking me to grab something on a higher shelf.)

Books I read always have a main character who is small and petite. Usually the character jokes about and is teased about how short she is, but it's always in an affectionate manner. She is "small but mighty" or a "little spitfire." And, in romances, the men around them always kiss them on the top of the head or pick them up to throw over their shoulder. 

It isn't just a standard in fantasy. In the real world, I have had so many guys make comments about me being "too tall." On dating apps, I have actually seen profiles that request no girls over 5' 6".  New people that I meet ask if I play sports and when I admit I'm not athletic, they say things like, "That is a shame."  I have had at least three coworkers who have made comments about me wearing heels, "Aren't you already tall enough without those shoes?" 

About a month ago, I delivered some materials to a 5th grade student. It was the first time I had met her in person after months of teaching through a computer screen. Her first reaction was, "You're so tall!" In the past, I would have brushed that comment away, trying to draw attention away from myself. But I remembered how hesitant this particular student was to turn her camera on during class and show her face. So, instead, I said, "Yeah, I used to not like that I was different than my friends. But now I love being the tallest one in the room. It's good to be different." 

After teaching middle school for 6 years, I know that almost every student of this age is confronting how they don't meet the standards of the community around them. Students worry about their skin being too dark or they have too many freckles. They hate their big foreheads or breast size. This student said, "I'm different than my friends too." While she didn't share details, I said, "Well, I love that you are different. I'm so glad I got to see your face today." She stills hides her face during most classes. I can't change a 10-year-old's self-image with one conversation. However, she shares with me a lot more.

I didn't lie to her. I now really own my height. I love speaking in a meeting or talking to a student and having others look up to me. When I slipped on my heels and became over 6-foot tall today, I felt powerful and confident and ready to take on the day. I hope all of you take on the day today without hiding your smile because of crooked teeth or covering your beautiful face because of acne. Don't apologize for not looking like everyone else. 

No One Is Looking At You...

     I read in a book recently (I can't remember which one unfortunately) that most people are worried of what others are thinking of them while the other people are only worrying about themselves. At first, I rejected this idea. It seemed self-centered and I felt that not everyone was self-obsessed. Also, everyone is always judging everyone around them, right? 

    Yesterday, I walked into a gym to do a cycling class. I hadn't done one of those classes in a long time and knew that I was out of shape and would be terrible. To amplify my insecurities, the bikes lit up based on your pace and effort. While others had red lights flashing for the entire hour, I struggled to move my light from green to yellow. I felt really embarrassed, but then I remembered that book I had read. I took a quick glance around the room. Guess what? Besides me, no one was looking at anyone but themselves in the mirror or down at their bike. Every person was on their own journey. They were only worried about themselves. In fact, I remembered when I walked in. how the entire back row was taken first. Most likely those cyclist felt insecure as well. And even if someone had noticed my slow progress, they probably didn't think twice about it. Why would a stranger's abilities matter to them?

    Moments like this happen to me too often. A few weeks back, the jumpsuit I was wearing to work starting to come apart at one of the seams. The entire day, I had anxiety about if people were looking at it. It was layered, so it wasn't like you could even see skin. I just compounded my own anxiety about my weight and made a huge deal about a little tear. Then I thought, when have I ever studied one of my coworker's outfits? I couldn't tell you what anyone was wearing yesterday. Our work stations are 20 feet apart, for goodness sakes. And even if I had seen a rip in someone's outfit, I wouldn't have ever thought that rip was an indicator of their weight. Rips happen.

    Every person in the world has their own problems. Their own workload and families and goals and plans. Even if it seems self-absorbed, we as humans think of ourselves more than anyone else thinks of us. I need to be much less worried about others looking at me and much more concerned about how I look at myself. I may have many flaws, but there are a lot of good things to see too. 

Things I Gained in 2020

 Most years, and especially this year, we take this time on January 1st to think about the future. We create goals and make plans. We think about what we want to change about ourselves and the world. I, like everyone, have many hopes for the year 2021 and plan to continue working to become a better me. 2020 has been a year in which I have gained weight, stress, and impatience. There have been many, many times in this anxiety-filled year in which I reacted poorly to the situations around me. However, in thinking toward the future, I don't want to discount my present. No matter how many times I have lost my temper or cried, I am not a bad person that needs to change everything about my life. Also, not every single moment of this year has been a disaster. I've gained some wonderful things too. So here are some positive things I gained in 2020:

1. Connections with Friends: This year had the potential to be one of the loneliest years of my life in the midst of a pandemic that made travel difficult. However, early on in the stay-at-home era, I downloaded an app called Marco Polo and connected with my friends from across the country. Before this year, my contact with friends was limited to pictures on social media or text messages whenever we had a moment in our busy schedules. Now, almost every day I talk to my friends. I listen to them talk about their lives, both struggles and celebrations, and am able to vent my own frustrations or happy moments with them without waiting for someone to be available to hang out. 

2. A Really Exciting New Job: In May, I decided to change my career path in a major way and leave my middle school classroom. Working at the district level this year, I have been able to teach students ages 5 to 12 who speak a variety of languages. I have danced along to alphabet songs and had really great discussions with a group of thoughtful 5th graders. I have learned so much from an incredible team of coworkers and have actually enjoyed every moment of virtual teaching. Like every year, I know I am a better teacher than I was last year and so look forward to working with students for a lifetime.

3. A Lot of Knowledge: I read 60 books this year and made my goal! I read science fiction and fantasy, thriller and even nonfiction. I read books by authors from 5 different countries. I learned about the Vietnam War, injustice in the justice system, and the future of agriculture. Some books made me fall in love. Others made me cry. Each book, regardless of genre or topic, made me think differently about the world around me. I also studied Spanish almost every day. I learned more about technology due to the emergence of virtual learning and actually taught my first professional development courses to other teachers. I tried new recipes and new logic puzzles and even played around with a new skincare and makeup routine. 2020 did not halt my progress in terms of learning at all.

4. An Appreciation for the Little Things: When it's safe again, I will never take a hug or a high-five for granted. Man, do I miss them. I miss smiles at the store and big open-mouthed laughter with others. I also appreciate the grocery store stockers and pharmacy workers, when I never gave them a second thought before. I hope I will go into the coming years remembering to appreciate all the little pieces of the world that make it this amazing planet I live in and not take anything for granted again. 

I hope all of you have also gained some wonderful things in 2020, despite all we have lost or been without. Happy New Year!

Yeah, I'm Picky.

     "You are the pickiest child," my mom said to me as I walked out of a yet another store without buying anything. I'm 28 years old and she's been saying this to me as long as I can remember. She's not alone. Friends from elementary school to now have bemoaned my pickiness. It's definitely not a trait that has attracted a lot of people into my life. However, it's also not something that I am in denial about or that I struggle to change. I know I'm picky. I fully accept that piece of myself. While I prefer the term "selective", I'm perfectly content being whichever synonym you want to use. I know what I want and I don't settle for less. 

    I knew I was picky from an early age. Food was the most obvious first indicator. It wasn't that I was selfish and wanted meals catered to me. I just knew what I didn't like and no matter how many times I was asked to "try it again", I knew it wouldn't change. I learned how to adapt. I scraped potatoes from the skin and picked out tomato chunks. If there might be onions in that casserole, I just won't use my teeth and then there's no chance for a crunch to ruin my entire meal. When it comes to salad, however, I have no tricks. I just politely decline. 

    Later, it was clothes. While my classmates all wore t-shirts and gym shorts each day, I knew what I wanted to wear and that wasn't it. I wore dresses and layered shirts and coordinated accessories. I didn't let the taunts or the whispers about my clothing change what I liked. I'm also picky about shows and movies. I remember going with my family to the theater and choosing to go to a different movie than they went to several times. I didn't need them sitting beside me to enjoy the movies I chose. I don't watch the shows that "everyone is watching" or those that win the most awards either. I just watch what I like. 

    I know some of you read this and think are labeling me as difficult or selfish or high-maintenance. I can understand that. Honestly, though, one my favorite things about myself has always been my steadfast sense of self. I don't rely on anyone to make decisions for me. I follow my heart and it has served me well. I have beliefs that aren't based on what my family or community or any news station tells me, but my own personal convictions. I'm not afraid to be different or "weird". At work, I'm not afraid to take what I learn and make it my own. Because I'm "picky", I have a very strong sense of who I am. Most days, I really like that person. 

    The most common time I am labeled as picky in recent years has been in terms of searching for a boyfriend. I have reflected upon this a lot. Am I judging people too harshly? Are my standards too high? While I might believe that in moments of weakness, I know that I am a loving, considerate, accepting person. That doesn't mean I have to let everyone in. If someone, whether it's a guy, a friend (new or old), or a family member, makes me feel insecure or bad about myself, I don't want that in my life. If someone talks at me and doesn't create space to listen, I don't want it. If someone is rude to a server (or anyone for that matter), I don't want to be part of that. I can compromise and adapt, but some things are like salads, and I just have to say, "No, thank you."

    I know myself well enough to know that when I do open myself up and let someone into my life, I will devote a big chunk of myself to that person. Currently, I spend nights worrying about friends. I send gifts "just because." I constantly think about how to make those I love feel less stressed or unhappy. I will spend hours listening to someone talk. That's the person I am. So if a guy isn't willing to think about what I want or need before their own desires, any relationship I might pursue would be one-sided and draining. Someone I worked with yesterday (yes I work on Saturdays) said, "I think women are always worried about being good enough for a man. They worry about their appearance and hold back their personalities to be accommodating. It took me a long time to start asking myself, 'Is he good enough for me?'" 

     So far, I haven't met a man that cared for me enough to put in the effort I deserve. I'm okay with the judgement and the lectures from my friends and family. They come from a good place from people that care. But I know my worth. So, yeah, I'm picky.

Walking Blindly Forward

Every time I go on a hike, I have a destination in mind. I follow a trail that I planned for and I work my way up to a peak. Sometimes the path is fun and beautiful. Sometimes I have to work really, really hard and I want to stop. Sometimes I end up altering my route. My life is like this path, full of variety, but also always having a direction in mind. Then, this year I looked ahead and the path was washed out. It suddenly got very dark and I had no idea where I was going. 

I think most of us are feeling that blind, directionless feeling. Over the past 8 months we've been waiting. Waiting for schools to reopen. Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting for election results. And being stopped in our tracks without a clear time table or answers, I admit at times I've been angry. I've been scared. And frustrated. And really, really sad. It's a difficult hike right now. 

We might not see the path, but I believe there's still one there. We'll never get back on the exact same hike again. It's washed out and I accept that. I believe however, that there is a lot of beauty still around us. I also believe the sun will come up again and we will find our footing as individuals and as a community again. Hope and faith are extremely important resources to hold onto. 

Another important factor on this difficult hike is to look for support around you. I think that the only way to get better/stronger/wiser is to surround yourself with people that believe in you. So, look around at your fellow hikers. Are they going to pull you up and cheer you on or just complain and make the hike more difficult? You can always take a different path from them, even if they are family. By holding onto the believers and the cheerleaders, your community with grow stronger together. Thank you to all my fellow hikers. I am thankful for your support every day. You know who you are. And don't be afraid to reach out your hand when you need help up the mountain.