"What do you want me to write?" a boy asked me this morning. Anxiety played across his face. He wanted desperately to be "right." And I wouldn't give him the "right" answer. How terrible am I?
Want to know what he was writing? A journal.
I told this student, "Don't write the journal for me. Write it for yourself."
I say that a lot. Today, though, it dawned on me how silly that is. I write all the time...and I rarely write "for myself." That is not to say that I don't enjoy the act of writing or that I see everything I write as an assignment. I just find writing meaningful if I have an audience in mind.
When I began this blog, I was writing to Moriah. She always wanted me to write a blog, so each post kept her in mind and what she would enjoy or want to know about me. As time went on, I started writing to my students and I wanted them to know but couldn't tell them or to my family or to specific friends. I didn't write directly to them, but I would imagine these people reading my work and it changed how I wrote. Authors have a demographic in mind when they write books. It's a natural thing. Writing is meant for reading so the two acts intertwine.
So, after a few minutes at my desk, as I watched my student continue to struggle, I walked back over to him. I said, "This is about falling and standing back up, right? Why don't you write it as if you are telling your mom. Tell her something that would make her really proud. Or your younger brother, what advice would you give him?" He was quiet for several minutes, thinking, but was able to finish the whole journal... and it is a REALLY good story. I'm glad he found someone worth writing for.
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Friday, April 5, 2019
27 Things I've Accomplished in 27 Years
Yesterday, I turned 27. It's very easy for me to dwell on things I haven't done in those years. It's easy to look to the future and think about what I want to do. I think there is great value, though, in taking a moment to appreciate what I have accomplished in my 27 years. When I am asked what my biggest accomplishment is, I really struggle. I don't believe my minor life stories are good enough. I may not have been the best at anything. I may not have done something heroic. But I have done something.
1. I have completed a Bachelor's and Master's degree, complete with an honors thesis and Master's thesis.
2. I have traveled to two different countries on my own.
3. I have helped over 100 students improve their reading comprehension scores enough so they didn't have to take reading support classes in high school.
4. I designed and led production of a high school yearbook and college yearbook.
5. I have shown up for people when they needed a ride or a loan or just an open ear.
6. I have worked very hard to make myself healthier by being conscious of my activity level every day for the past 3-4 years.
7. I have donated over 3 gallons or blood and became a bone marrow donor candidate.
8. I started a blog and stuck with it for over 6 years now.
9. I made it to state speech competition in high school and and once got an Outstanding Actor award.
10. I took the initiative to learn about areas of need for my students and developed many lesson plans on my own to meet those needs.
11. I became the head of the reading department in my 3rd year of teaching.
12. I've conquered my fear of heights.
13. I've worked 8 different jobs including being a custodian, lifeguard, waitress, tour guide, speech judge, teacher, cashier, and most recently a delivery driver.
14. I worked to create spreadsheet and system to automatically track progress and place over 800 students at my school into classes.
15. I hiked over 25 miles of trails last summer and saw some amazing places.
16. I have learned what looks good on my in terms of clothing and makeup.
17. I have given speeches at one wedding and two funerals for people I loved.
18. Along with many failed recipes, I have learned to make a lot of really yummy things too.
19. I have volunteered at several events to make my community a better place.
20. I changed a tire by myself.
21. I came to basketball games to support students when their families couldn't.
22. I have tried zip-lining and indoor skydiving.
23. I have made some absolutely amazing friends.
24. I have walked away from people that didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated.
25. I have become a much more organized person.
26. I have read over 600 books in my life.
27. I have, and continue to work to, become a better person each and every day.
1. I have completed a Bachelor's and Master's degree, complete with an honors thesis and Master's thesis.
2. I have traveled to two different countries on my own.
3. I have helped over 100 students improve their reading comprehension scores enough so they didn't have to take reading support classes in high school.
4. I designed and led production of a high school yearbook and college yearbook.
5. I have shown up for people when they needed a ride or a loan or just an open ear.
6. I have worked very hard to make myself healthier by being conscious of my activity level every day for the past 3-4 years.
7. I have donated over 3 gallons or blood and became a bone marrow donor candidate.
8. I started a blog and stuck with it for over 6 years now.
9. I made it to state speech competition in high school and and once got an Outstanding Actor award.
10. I took the initiative to learn about areas of need for my students and developed many lesson plans on my own to meet those needs.
11. I became the head of the reading department in my 3rd year of teaching.
12. I've conquered my fear of heights.
13. I've worked 8 different jobs including being a custodian, lifeguard, waitress, tour guide, speech judge, teacher, cashier, and most recently a delivery driver.
14. I worked to create spreadsheet and system to automatically track progress and place over 800 students at my school into classes.
15. I hiked over 25 miles of trails last summer and saw some amazing places.
16. I have learned what looks good on my in terms of clothing and makeup.
17. I have given speeches at one wedding and two funerals for people I loved.
18. Along with many failed recipes, I have learned to make a lot of really yummy things too.
19. I have volunteered at several events to make my community a better place.
20. I changed a tire by myself.
21. I came to basketball games to support students when their families couldn't.
22. I have tried zip-lining and indoor skydiving.
23. I have made some absolutely amazing friends.
24. I have walked away from people that didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated.
25. I have become a much more organized person.
26. I have read over 600 books in my life.
27. I have, and continue to work to, become a better person each and every day.
Sunday, March 31, 2019
What Makes Me Happy?
As I dive into the final quarter of the school year, I want to intentionally make choices every day that help me experience joy. When I'm happy, I'm a better teacher, friend, daughter, sister, etc. So this is my list.
What makes me happy?
What makes me happy?
- The sun on my face
- Singing and/or dancing to a great song
- Trying out a new recipe
- A bag of buttered popcorn in a dark movie theater
- Doing my hair and makeup in the morning without rushing
- Deleting emails piling up in my inbox
- Taking off my shoes and coat when I get home and plopping down on the couch
- Standing in a hot shower
- That first sip of a cold Mountain Dew
- My cat purring on my lap
- Walking while talking to someone
- Wearing something I feel confident in
- Sleeping in fresh, clean sheets
- Making someone laugh
- The sound of rain against a window
- Smelling everything at Bath & Body Works
- Reading a good book
- The feeling when I finish grading a pile of homework
- Walking barefoot outside
- Starting something new on Netflix
- Stretching my muscles before bed
- Receiving anything in the mail that isn't a bill
- Buying something on sale
- Painting (I just do paint-by-number)
- The feeling of a warm towel
- Watching a student "get it" for the first time
- Being able to roll my windows down as I drive
- Checking something off a list
- Writing with a really good pen
- Hugs. Nothing makes me feel happier than a hug. 😁
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Making Room in Your Basket
Do you remember Easter egg hunts as a kid? When you rushed around the park or the back yard snatching up brightly-colored eggs? When it didn't matter what was inside the plastic shell as long as you filled up your basket? Or those moments of terrified panic when you no longer see any eggs anywhere but your basket only has two eggs in it? I loved those adrenaline-packed hunts. I really did. Lately, though, I feel as if I've been living my entire life like a full-time egg hunt. And it's exhausting.
I was a terrible Easter egg hunter for two reasons: 1. I always panicked. When your brain is under stress you don't make good decisions. I was never looking around and problem solving. I was staring at just one area, usually the ground and I was freaking out and then not finding anything. I would even settle for the broken eggs that had been stepped on by other hunters. 2. I was too worried about everyone else. I would be comparing my basket to those kids near me which led to more of problem #1. I would hear others shouting, "Look up!" or "Over there!" and I was trying to listen to everyone instead of taking a breath and thinking about my own game plan.
To counteract this rushed, stressed egg-hunt mentality in my life, I've been working instead to empty my basket out. It started out small. I organized my classroom, ridding myself of the clutter of books or materials I had kept "just in case." KonMari's decluttering method suggests we ask "Does this bring me joy?" about all items we are holding onto in our lives. I'm not sure that all the remaining items in my classroom bring me great joy, but I can guarantee the organization now present in that room does. In fact, it brought me so much happiness that I continued the process in my home. I started throwing things in the trash. I starting selling items online. I gave things away. The empty spaces those joyless things once occupied made me feel lighter. I wasn't aware how much they had weighed me down until I untangled myself from them.
Then I moved away from material things. What is weighing me down mentally? The conclusion I came to was that the heaviest egg in my basket was my job. While teaching at my school has brought me so much joy in the past few years, it is like an egg that no longer contains my favorite candy. My tastes have changed and I no longer get excited to open it up each day. So, I resigned.
I believe the best teachers are happy teachers. The best teachers are passionate teachers. I need a new environment to become the best teacher I can be. Is it terrifying to have no job right now? Absolutely. Is it also the most freeing feeling in the world? I have never felt lighter.
One of the most memorable Easter egg hunts of my childhood happened inside the house. It wasn't the bright-colored plastic eggs, but real eggs that we had dyed the day before. My siblings and I were each responsible for finding the eggs we had personally dyed. I couldn't find my last egg anywhere. As my siblings collected their last eggs, I was left searching alone. Instead of panicking, though, I changed my mindset and made it into a challenge. I was determined. I climbed on chairs and crawled on the floor. I ended up recruiting my little sister to help me. Although I'm sure my perception of time at that age is exaggerated, I believe it took me over 30 minutes to find. I remember my dad making jokes about the egg going rotten. But when I did find it, it felt amazing.
Right now, I can't see the perfect egg in front of me. I don't know where I'm going. But my basket is ready for something new and I'm determined to find it. I know it will be amazing.
I was a terrible Easter egg hunter for two reasons: 1. I always panicked. When your brain is under stress you don't make good decisions. I was never looking around and problem solving. I was staring at just one area, usually the ground and I was freaking out and then not finding anything. I would even settle for the broken eggs that had been stepped on by other hunters. 2. I was too worried about everyone else. I would be comparing my basket to those kids near me which led to more of problem #1. I would hear others shouting, "Look up!" or "Over there!" and I was trying to listen to everyone instead of taking a breath and thinking about my own game plan.
To counteract this rushed, stressed egg-hunt mentality in my life, I've been working instead to empty my basket out. It started out small. I organized my classroom, ridding myself of the clutter of books or materials I had kept "just in case." KonMari's decluttering method suggests we ask "Does this bring me joy?" about all items we are holding onto in our lives. I'm not sure that all the remaining items in my classroom bring me great joy, but I can guarantee the organization now present in that room does. In fact, it brought me so much happiness that I continued the process in my home. I started throwing things in the trash. I starting selling items online. I gave things away. The empty spaces those joyless things once occupied made me feel lighter. I wasn't aware how much they had weighed me down until I untangled myself from them.
Then I moved away from material things. What is weighing me down mentally? The conclusion I came to was that the heaviest egg in my basket was my job. While teaching at my school has brought me so much joy in the past few years, it is like an egg that no longer contains my favorite candy. My tastes have changed and I no longer get excited to open it up each day. So, I resigned.
I believe the best teachers are happy teachers. The best teachers are passionate teachers. I need a new environment to become the best teacher I can be. Is it terrifying to have no job right now? Absolutely. Is it also the most freeing feeling in the world? I have never felt lighter.
One of the most memorable Easter egg hunts of my childhood happened inside the house. It wasn't the bright-colored plastic eggs, but real eggs that we had dyed the day before. My siblings and I were each responsible for finding the eggs we had personally dyed. I couldn't find my last egg anywhere. As my siblings collected their last eggs, I was left searching alone. Instead of panicking, though, I changed my mindset and made it into a challenge. I was determined. I climbed on chairs and crawled on the floor. I ended up recruiting my little sister to help me. Although I'm sure my perception of time at that age is exaggerated, I believe it took me over 30 minutes to find. I remember my dad making jokes about the egg going rotten. But when I did find it, it felt amazing.
Right now, I can't see the perfect egg in front of me. I don't know where I'm going. But my basket is ready for something new and I'm determined to find it. I know it will be amazing.
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Oscar Predictions for Tonight!
I have been stalling on this post all day. The honest truth is, I don't have a clear favorite in absolutely any category for the Oscars tonight. I saw a lot of good movies. I didn't see any that blew me away. There are always years like that. But I wanted to throw my predictions out anyway. Here they are for every category:
Adapted Screenplay:
Who Will Win--BlacKkKlansman (it's a compelling true story that relates to current events)
My Favorite--The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (This is a screwball movie on Netflix, but it perfectly captured the feeling I have when I read short stories. I liked the format.)
Original Screenplay:
Who Will Win--Green Book (his son wrote this about his father--that's a special thing)
My Favorite--Green Book
Visual Effects:
Who Will Win--First Man (this is the most critically acclaimed of the nominees)
My Favorite--Avengers: Infinity War
Sound Editing:
Who Will Win--Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--The Quiet Place (so unique!)
Sound Mixing:
Who Will Win-- Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--A Star is Born
Production Design:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favorite--Roma (He recreated his childhood home with props from his family. It was so believably 1970s Mexico.)
Original Song:
Who Will Win--Shallow from A Star is Born
My Favorite--All the Stars from Black Panther
Original Score:
Who Will Win--Mary Poppins Returns
My Favorite--Black Panther (I just thought the music made the movie special.)
Makeup and Hairstyling:
Who Will Win--Vice
My Favorite--Vice
Foreign Language Film:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favorite--Roma (It is on Netflix. Beautifully made. Very possibly will win Best Picture, but is guaranteed this category.)
Film Editing:
Who Will Win--Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--Green Book (Honestly, I don't really understand this category haha).
Live Action Short:
Who Will Win--Skin (It is the only American-made movie and hits on current ideas about race.)
My Favorite--Fauve (This was the only nominee I cried at this year.)
Animated Short:
Who Will Win--Bao (More people saw it since it was aired before Incredibles 2 and it was quality)
My Favorite--Weekends (Something about this stood out to me. It felt honest.)
Documentary Short:
Who Will Win--Period. End of Sentence. (This is the only one I've heard buzz about. I actually missed watching any of the documentaries, long or short, this year.)
Documentary Feature:
Who Will Win--Free Solo
Directing:
Who Will Win--Alfonso Cuaron for Roma
My Favorite--Alfonso Cuaron
Costume Design:
Who Will Win-- The Favourite (Sandy Powell is the BEST costume designer in the industry. Period. She is nominated for both this and Mary Poppins Returns (she did both projects at the same exact time--incredible!) but is more likely to win for The Favourite.
My Favorite--The Favourite (The costumes were the best part of that movie in my opinion.)
Cinematography:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favourite--Roma
Animated Feature:
Who Will Win--Spider Man: Into the Spider-Verse
My Favorite-Spider-Man (unique animation and a good story)
Supporting Actress:
Who Will Win--Regina King for If Beale Street Could Talk
My Favorite--Emma Stone for The Favourite (I couldn't find Beale Street in theaters so unfortunately haven't seen that yet, so Regina will probably be my favorite based on the reviews I've heard, but Emma was my favorite performance of the others.)
Leading Actress:
Who Will Win--Glenn Close for The Wife (based on age and number of previous nominations)
My Favorite--Olivia Coleman for The Favourite (based on her comedic timing and priceless expressions)
Supporting Actor:
Who Will Win--Mahershala Ali for Green Book (although he won last year...the Academy loves him, for good reason)
My Favorite--Mahershala Ali (that man can act!)
Leading Actor:
Who Will Win--Rami Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody (He has won all awards so far and did really capture Freddie Mercury, no small accomplishment)
My Favorite--Bradley Cooper for A Star is Born (He impressed the hell out of me and even Rami couldn't outdo him in my opinion. Plus, I think Cooper was screwed out of the Oscar for Silver Linings Playbook in 2013).
And...drumroll please....
Best Picture:
Who Will Win--Green Book (It is between this and Roma, but I'm going to lock it in with Green Book)
My Favorite--Black Panther (It won't win based on genre, but it is the one I enjoyed the most of all of them. I will only be disappointed if Vice or BlacKkKlansman wins. Those were my least favorites...so they probably will win. That's usually how it works haha.)
Adapted Screenplay:
Who Will Win--BlacKkKlansman (it's a compelling true story that relates to current events)
My Favorite--The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (This is a screwball movie on Netflix, but it perfectly captured the feeling I have when I read short stories. I liked the format.)
Original Screenplay:
Who Will Win--Green Book (his son wrote this about his father--that's a special thing)
My Favorite--Green Book
Visual Effects:
Who Will Win--First Man (this is the most critically acclaimed of the nominees)
My Favorite--Avengers: Infinity War
Sound Editing:
Who Will Win--Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--The Quiet Place (so unique!)
Sound Mixing:
Who Will Win-- Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--A Star is Born
Production Design:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favorite--Roma (He recreated his childhood home with props from his family. It was so believably 1970s Mexico.)
Original Song:
Who Will Win--Shallow from A Star is Born
My Favorite--All the Stars from Black Panther
Original Score:
Who Will Win--Mary Poppins Returns
My Favorite--Black Panther (I just thought the music made the movie special.)
Makeup and Hairstyling:
Who Will Win--Vice
My Favorite--Vice
Foreign Language Film:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favorite--Roma (It is on Netflix. Beautifully made. Very possibly will win Best Picture, but is guaranteed this category.)
Film Editing:
Who Will Win--Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--Green Book (Honestly, I don't really understand this category haha).
Live Action Short:
Who Will Win--Skin (It is the only American-made movie and hits on current ideas about race.)
My Favorite--Fauve (This was the only nominee I cried at this year.)
Animated Short:
Who Will Win--Bao (More people saw it since it was aired before Incredibles 2 and it was quality)
My Favorite--Weekends (Something about this stood out to me. It felt honest.)
Documentary Short:
Who Will Win--Period. End of Sentence. (This is the only one I've heard buzz about. I actually missed watching any of the documentaries, long or short, this year.)
Documentary Feature:
Who Will Win--Free Solo
Directing:
Who Will Win--Alfonso Cuaron for Roma
My Favorite--Alfonso Cuaron
Costume Design:
Who Will Win-- The Favourite (Sandy Powell is the BEST costume designer in the industry. Period. She is nominated for both this and Mary Poppins Returns (she did both projects at the same exact time--incredible!) but is more likely to win for The Favourite.
My Favorite--The Favourite (The costumes were the best part of that movie in my opinion.)
Cinematography:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favourite--Roma
Animated Feature:
Who Will Win--Spider Man: Into the Spider-Verse
My Favorite-Spider-Man (unique animation and a good story)
Supporting Actress:
Who Will Win--Regina King for If Beale Street Could Talk
My Favorite--Emma Stone for The Favourite (I couldn't find Beale Street in theaters so unfortunately haven't seen that yet, so Regina will probably be my favorite based on the reviews I've heard, but Emma was my favorite performance of the others.)
Leading Actress:
Who Will Win--Glenn Close for The Wife (based on age and number of previous nominations)
My Favorite--Olivia Coleman for The Favourite (based on her comedic timing and priceless expressions)
Supporting Actor:
Who Will Win--Mahershala Ali for Green Book (although he won last year...the Academy loves him, for good reason)
My Favorite--Mahershala Ali (that man can act!)
Leading Actor:
Who Will Win--Rami Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody (He has won all awards so far and did really capture Freddie Mercury, no small accomplishment)
My Favorite--Bradley Cooper for A Star is Born (He impressed the hell out of me and even Rami couldn't outdo him in my opinion. Plus, I think Cooper was screwed out of the Oscar for Silver Linings Playbook in 2013).
And...drumroll please....
Best Picture:
Who Will Win--Green Book (It is between this and Roma, but I'm going to lock it in with Green Book)
My Favorite--Black Panther (It won't win based on genre, but it is the one I enjoyed the most of all of them. I will only be disappointed if Vice or BlacKkKlansman wins. Those were my least favorites...so they probably will win. That's usually how it works haha.)
Monday, February 18, 2019
The Trouble with Advice
There have been times in all of our lives when we need help. We need to pick the brain of someone more experienced or see a situation from an outside perspective. When we are lost or confused, we often react by reaching out and asking those we trust for help. That's a wonderful thing. Here's the trouble...
Just as often as we need help, we also need those we love to "not help." How many times have you had an extremely frustrating day and called your mom, best friend, boyfriend, brother, wife, daughter etc.? And in those moments, when you feel shitty or tired or angry or sad, do you really want the person on the other end of the phone to start spewing advice, to give a lecture, or to be completely logical? I know I sure don't. I want that person to listen, not talk. I want that person to assure me that everything is going to be alright. I want them to tell me I'm justified in feeling the way I am feeling. More often than I'd like to admit, I simply want them to say, "I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I love you."
This doesn't mean that those giving advice are in the wrong. Obviously, when our friends or family are in distress, our natural instinct is to try to fix the problem for them. We want to jump in and do something or, at the very least, arm them with something so they can tackle the problem in the future. In that venture, though, we often unintentionally highlight their insecurities.
Let me give you an example of a situation that I have found myself in several times. A friend is complaining about her boyfriend to me. This boy has said something that really hurt my friend. This instantly makes me protective and angry. So I tell my friend, "You can't let him treat you like that. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel." In my head, this is a caring comment that shows I'm on her side. Right? But, now, not only is she upset about the treatment from her boyfriend; she's also insecure about her own actions. She might be thinking, "Am I letting people walk all over me?" or "Does Roxie think I'm weak?" This may cause her to shut down and not tell me the next time something happens because she doesn't want me to judge her. This may cause her to get defensive with me to defend herself. Either way, this well-meaning advice has compounded her problem.
Instead, I should have listened and asked questions to show I was engaged in her feelings. I should have reflected those feelings back with responses like "I'm so sorry he made you feel that way" or "I can understand why you would be angry."
A friend recently told me, "No one should ever tell you how you 'should feel' about something. Everyone has the right to feel in their own way." That seems like solid, obvious advice, but after he said it, I remember thinking of all the times I have been told "You should be happy that..." or "It's not the end of the world." People, while trying to calm me down or make me feel better, were dismissing my anxiety as something trivial, when I was seeking validation for emotions that were very upsetting to me.
All of this is not to say we should never give advice. Recently, though, I have made a goal for myself to listen to cues to understand if the people in my life are seeking advice or support. Phrases like "What do you think?" or "Do you think I should..." or "I'm not sure what to do" are all big, flashing signs that you definitely should offer some suggestions. In those moments, just saying "I believe in you" are not remotely helpful. But, if someone is venting or just telling me how they feel about a situation, I try not to interject.
Your emotions are legitimate. I'm listening.
Just as often as we need help, we also need those we love to "not help." How many times have you had an extremely frustrating day and called your mom, best friend, boyfriend, brother, wife, daughter etc.? And in those moments, when you feel shitty or tired or angry or sad, do you really want the person on the other end of the phone to start spewing advice, to give a lecture, or to be completely logical? I know I sure don't. I want that person to listen, not talk. I want that person to assure me that everything is going to be alright. I want them to tell me I'm justified in feeling the way I am feeling. More often than I'd like to admit, I simply want them to say, "I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I love you."
This doesn't mean that those giving advice are in the wrong. Obviously, when our friends or family are in distress, our natural instinct is to try to fix the problem for them. We want to jump in and do something or, at the very least, arm them with something so they can tackle the problem in the future. In that venture, though, we often unintentionally highlight their insecurities.
Let me give you an example of a situation that I have found myself in several times. A friend is complaining about her boyfriend to me. This boy has said something that really hurt my friend. This instantly makes me protective and angry. So I tell my friend, "You can't let him treat you like that. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel." In my head, this is a caring comment that shows I'm on her side. Right? But, now, not only is she upset about the treatment from her boyfriend; she's also insecure about her own actions. She might be thinking, "Am I letting people walk all over me?" or "Does Roxie think I'm weak?" This may cause her to shut down and not tell me the next time something happens because she doesn't want me to judge her. This may cause her to get defensive with me to defend herself. Either way, this well-meaning advice has compounded her problem.
Instead, I should have listened and asked questions to show I was engaged in her feelings. I should have reflected those feelings back with responses like "I'm so sorry he made you feel that way" or "I can understand why you would be angry."
A friend recently told me, "No one should ever tell you how you 'should feel' about something. Everyone has the right to feel in their own way." That seems like solid, obvious advice, but after he said it, I remember thinking of all the times I have been told "You should be happy that..." or "It's not the end of the world." People, while trying to calm me down or make me feel better, were dismissing my anxiety as something trivial, when I was seeking validation for emotions that were very upsetting to me.
All of this is not to say we should never give advice. Recently, though, I have made a goal for myself to listen to cues to understand if the people in my life are seeking advice or support. Phrases like "What do you think?" or "Do you think I should..." or "I'm not sure what to do" are all big, flashing signs that you definitely should offer some suggestions. In those moments, just saying "I believe in you" are not remotely helpful. But, if someone is venting or just telling me how they feel about a situation, I try not to interject.
Your emotions are legitimate. I'm listening.
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Growing Up in Small Town Nebraska...
I saw a post on Facebook recently about what it means to grow up in the "Midwest." I hate the term Midwest because it seems that everyone thinks they are part of it and it includes too many people to have a distinctive culture. While the article talked about saying "ope" and making casseroles, that is not the "Midwest" I grew up in. There were, however, many distinctive things about how I grew up that did relate to the article and I have made up some of my own.
-I spent Saturday afternoons singing along to the "Save Big Money at Menards" jingle while trying our every chair or swing in the patio furniture section while my parents collected their latest home improvement supplies.
-I would pull out a pound of beef from the deep freeze when I came home from school to thaw it out because 9/10 of our "suppers" required hamburger.
-I was more likely to see a deer (or three) than another car on the way home from a friend's house in the evening.
-Driving over two hours to Lincoln or Omaha felt like a "vacation" even though we just ate at someplace like Olive Garden and shopped at a bigger mall.
-I gave all directions in terms of time or landmarks instead of miles or street names: "It's the second turn after the red barn" or "I'd say it's about an hour away".
-I knew what every school gym looked like within a 100 radius because I'd seen at least two basketball games in any given one. I'd even critique them. "Let's bring our own food because their concession stand sucks." or "I like the purple bleachers at that school" or even better, "I hope they have walking tacos like last time!"
-When my grandma called to get a "treat", I knew we were going to the one ice cream place in town, "visiting" with everyone that happened to be there for an hour, and then delivering chocolate malts to the guys at the farm.
-I participated in some epic block-wide hide-and-seek or sardines games, in which we traipsed through every yard. We knew everyone on the block anyway (and I was related to quite a few of them!)
-I went trick-or-treating most years wearing layers or clothes under my costume.
-I still can't go through more than 2 days without having a conversation about the weather...and after it rains, I definitely want to go out and look at my rain gauge to see "what we got."
-I had to drive to a different town to do my driver's education test because we don't have stoplights or four lane roads.
Growing up in small town Nebraska....
-I spent Saturday afternoons singing along to the "Save Big Money at Menards" jingle while trying our every chair or swing in the patio furniture section while my parents collected their latest home improvement supplies.
-I would pull out a pound of beef from the deep freeze when I came home from school to thaw it out because 9/10 of our "suppers" required hamburger.
-I was more likely to see a deer (or three) than another car on the way home from a friend's house in the evening.
-Driving over two hours to Lincoln or Omaha felt like a "vacation" even though we just ate at someplace like Olive Garden and shopped at a bigger mall.
-I gave all directions in terms of time or landmarks instead of miles or street names: "It's the second turn after the red barn" or "I'd say it's about an hour away".
-I knew what every school gym looked like within a 100 radius because I'd seen at least two basketball games in any given one. I'd even critique them. "Let's bring our own food because their concession stand sucks." or "I like the purple bleachers at that school" or even better, "I hope they have walking tacos like last time!"
-When my grandma called to get a "treat", I knew we were going to the one ice cream place in town, "visiting" with everyone that happened to be there for an hour, and then delivering chocolate malts to the guys at the farm.
-I participated in some epic block-wide hide-and-seek or sardines games, in which we traipsed through every yard. We knew everyone on the block anyway (and I was related to quite a few of them!)
-I went trick-or-treating most years wearing layers or clothes under my costume.
-I still can't go through more than 2 days without having a conversation about the weather...and after it rains, I definitely want to go out and look at my rain gauge to see "what we got."
-I had to drive to a different town to do my driver's education test because we don't have stoplights or four lane roads.
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