Memories of Those I've Lost

Although I know Memorial Day was created to honor those who have served our country, I always remember going to visit graves of all of the family buried around us on this day when I was a kid. My mom and dad would tell stories of their grandparents or aunts and uncles and these stories always stuck with me. And today, although I am not in Franklin to visit any graves, I want to take a moment to shares memories of the ones I have lost that meant a lot to me.

Grandma Marj- Grandma was the first person in my life that I loved that died. I was very lucky because this didn't happen until I was 15 years old. My mom can go on and on telling stories about her and I love to hear them. What I remember most is Skip-Bo. Isn't that ridiculous? I just remember sitting around her kitchen table playing that game and she almost always won and then she would throw her head back and laugh. She loved Christmas and birthday parties and reunions. She had beautiful plates and knick-knacks and painting all over her house so I thought of it as a museum. Her yard was covered in bird feeders and little animal statues. She hated when I cried and told me so very bluntly. Whenever she came to a party at our house, she brought deviled eggs and fed half of her meal to my dog Ginger. She was strong and knew exactly what she wanted. I always wanted to be more like her.

Granny-Granny was a talker, but I loved her stories. She could talk for hours and I always had to cut her off so we could get home in time for supper. When she had to move to Assisted Living, I took out photo albums from her house to her on several occasions and she would flip through and tell me about each picture. Although she talked a lot about her past, she also told me stories about something her sons had told her the day before or who came and visited and what they were wearing. She always knew what was going on around her. Actually the last time I ever remember visiting her, I brought out my new Kindle and showed it to her. I remember her laughing and saying "Isn't that something?" She lived next door to us for a long time so I saw her a lot. Brigitte always wanted to go over to her house and would ride her bike the 10 feet over and walk in by herself. Granny had a white poodle named Pongo and she always wanted him to look nice so she was giving him baths, cleaning dirt from his eyes, and fluffing up his fur all the time. She taught me how to play Old Maid, and come to think of it, I don't think I've played since she passed away.

Moriah-I only knew Moriah for 3 years, but it feels like much longer than that. We met at a Subway somewhere in Iowa I believe. We went on a bus trip to Washington D.C. together and she came up and asked a group of us if we had any Tylenol because she had a headache. I can't remember if I gave her any medicine, but I remember walking back to the bus chatting with her and then the next stop and tried to find her again. She was magnetic in that way. By the time we got to D.C., we were constantly together. We became bus seat buddies and travel partners. When we got back to Nebraska, she made sure we stayed in touch. We took trips to the lake and the movies and the mall all the time. We went to UNL together and I always felt better that she was there. She picked me up when some other friends ditched me and I took her to get her car when it was towed. And she called me all the time. She would talk so much, I'd put her on speaker phone because my hand got tired. We often met to "study" but only ate candy and talked about boys or fashion (her favorite topics). The day before she died, she called me and was so excited because we were both going to live in the same apartment complex. I miss her smile all the time.

Nancy-My Aunt Nancy was a motherly figure in my life. She would always give me a hug when she saw me and ask me about my life. She took great care to listen to every word. I know she was that way with everyone because we were all so comfortable around her. She also made me laugh often with her animated stories and perfect facial expressions as she told a story. I remember when she'd call my dad would answer the phone with enthusiasm and then laugh the whole conversation. She always picked out really unique presents including clothes and books that fit me perfectly. Every event since July has been missing her warmth.

Grandpa Jack-Grandpa is the only one on my list that is a veteran, but he never talked about it unless Grandma prompted him to. I do remember once when he came to Veteran's Day service at our school, I saw him cry, although he wiped his eyes before he saw me and I never mentioned it. I can't think of Grandpa without remembering his wink and squeeze of my hand. It's something he's done since I was little. In the middle of any gathering, if I walked over to him, he'd grab my hand and squeeze it and turn to me with a smile and a wink. I actually learned to wink just so I could wink back. He would get so excited when we brought our dog out to see him and he always made a point to go pet and talk to our outside dog before walking into our home. He liked nuts and M&Ms and chocolate malts. When grandma would offer us food (every time we visited), he'd turn to me and say something like "She's just trying to fatten us up, isn't she?"

So that's my memories for the day. Happy Memorial Day!

Why I Am Worth Something

After four months of searching for a job and numerous rejection letters, it's so easy for me to fall into this mindset that I'm not good enough. But I've accomplished many things and I want to remind myself of my worth. Maybe these employers don't see it, but if I don't see it myself, no one ever will. 

1. I graduated from the University of Nebraska last week. That in itself is a big milestone. I have a college degree. I completed 161 credit hours. I made the dean's list several times and ended up with a 3.75. That's not bad.

2. I completed an honors thesis. At UNL, I think an average of 70% of honors students don't complete the program and I completed it with a pretty awesome thesis about how young people give feedback to one another. I'm very proud of this.

3. I studied abroad. This was a goal I had since I was 18 years old and I made it happen. Would I be much more financially secure if I hadn't? Yes. Do I regret it at all? No. I followed through and made it happen and traveled on my own across the ocean and it is one of the things I am most proud of in my life. 

4. I have maintained this blog for three years now. I know that a lot of my posts are like this one and don't have much depth, but I have kept it up and am able to write regularly because of it. I saw today that my blog has been viewed almost 5,000 times since I created it.

5. I've had some really cool jobs. Although I haven't worked anything stable for a long time, I was a tour guide for 3 years, which was amazing. I met people from all across the country and got to walk around campus all the time and get kids excited about being a Husker. I have also judged speech meets for five years now, which is seriously the best job because speech is the best activity ever. 

6. I read like a madwoman and I'm proud of that. I read 55 books last year and am up to 25 already this year. 

7. I've been to 34 U.S. States. I know this is just because I have awesome parents that took me on lots of trips, but still like to brag about that whenever I can.

8. I'm never afraid to continue learning and growing. I know that I've made a lot of mistakes over the past few years, but I'm willing to learn from these mistakes. I'm always trying to be better and I know I will continue to accomplish what I set out to do. 

So, there it is. I'm worth something. I know I am. And I'm going to get a job. I just have to be patient...and remain confident. 

A Blog for Brigitte

I can't believe it's been two years since I wrote a blog after Josh's graduation. It's even more unbelievable that my little sister is 18 years old and going off to the University of Kansas in the fall. I'm so proud of Brigitte and all of her accomplishments in high school and know she is going to do great things in the future.

Last semester, I was talking about Brigitte to a classmate and the classmate asked me if Brigitte was like me. I laughed. "No, not really," I said. Brigitte and I are very different in a lot of different ways, but that's one of the reasons I love her so much. Oftentimes, it is the younger sister who wants to be like the older sister and the older sister is annoyed by this, but most of my life I have been trying to get Brigitte to like me. She is magnetic and a joy to be around. Here are a few of the amazing traits that I admire about Brigitte:

*She can make me laugh like no one else in the whole world. There have been countless times in which I have stayed up way too late as she tells me stories and I have laughed until my stomach hurt.

*Her fantastic sense of style. She always knows exactly how to do her hair or what color to paint her nails or what outfit to put together to make herself look fabulous. (It doesn't hurt that she has the most beautiful hair in the world ;))

*Her determination. There is no question that Brigitte worked harder than both Josh and I combined in high school. When she sets her mind to something, nothing can stop her and she wants to be the very best she can be.

*She always wants everything to be fair. I remember when we were kids, Josh and I were always fighting. Brigitte would always pick a side based on who she thought was the underdog (usually Josh since I was bigger than him). When I would give one of the dogs a treat, she would promptly go outside and give our other dog a treat so it was fair. She always played the role of peacekeeper, something we often needed.

*Her love of music. There is rarely a time when that girl isn't listening to music. She knows all the latest artists and is the best sing-along buddy.

*Her energy. That girl never stops moving. Her energy can fill the room and energizes others. That's why she is such a good leader.

*She lets me hug her all the time. I'm probably (definitely) the most affectionate person in our family and she is always been the #1 target of my hugs. She may roll her eyes, but she always takes them.

*Her artistic side. Brigitte can make great decorations for any holiday or party. If you came to her graduation party, you saw that. She may not be able to draw or paint like my mom, but she definitely inherited somewhat of an artistic eye and I imagine her future house/wedding/birthday parties will be beautiful.

Congratulations Brigitte! I love you :)

That Lightbulb Moment When I Finally Realize What Is Really, Really Important to Me

So, last night I presented my capstone presentation for graduation and I was sooo emotional. Even after I was finished presenting I felt like I was shaking. I kept hugging all my cohort friends and professors and cooperating teachers. I cried. Even hours after the whole ordeal, I sat in bed and couldn't sleep. I kept thinking it must be because I was nervous about moving on to the "real world" or that I was sad to say goodbye to those friends I had seen in almost every class for two years. I finally calmed down and slept a few hours, taught another day of school, and attended another day of watching capstone presentations. And as I was sitting there among friends and celebrating our success and progress, it hit me hard:

I Don't Want to Leave.

I don't mean that I don't want to graduate because I am definitely ready for that. But upon my high school graduation I couldn't wait to get out and do something new and meet new people. I felt chained down and wanted to be free. I just assumed that another graduation meant another transition to a new place with new people again. But this time around I don't feel chained at all. In fact, I feel supported. I have a community of all different kinds of people in Lincoln that lift me up in all different ways. Moving, instead of freeing me, would feel like falling. Here, I can continue to go enjoy the Haymarket with friends. Here, I can visit campus and still go to Husker football games. Here, I can work much more closely to the teachers and peers I respect and love to work with. Here, in Lincoln, is my home.

So...I don't think I'm leaving. I don't have to. Maybe I can get hired in a nearby school like Seward or Waverly. Maybe Lincoln Public Schools will realize what they're missing and actually call me for an interview somewhere ;) If absolutely nothing else, I can definitely get a sub certificate and take a year to figure out my life. I'm going to be okay. In this moment, I feel so little stress. And it feels so good.

The Customer Isn't Always Right

Although, as I have stated in past blogs, I think there are a lot of wonderful things going on in the world right now and some very generous people out there, I have encountered some very rude people  recently too. I have heard a lot that we are becoming more callous because of our interactions online. When we aren't face-to-face with the person we are insulting, we can't see the impact we have and feel more entitled. While I agree with this and see the most atrocious personal attacks in Youtube comments on a daily basis, I also find that people don't care about being rude straight to someone's face. Yesterday, I saw an older man at Dairy Queen chew out a waitress because the restaurant changed the menu. A few weeks ago, I heard a young man on the street screaming into his phone about a parking ticket (while standing by his car-clearly parked illegally). I've heard women at lunch whispering cruel things about their co-workers' appearances. 

This isn't a generational issue. It's a egocentric issue. Why do we feel so entitled? Why are our feeling more important than the feelings of others? As author Brené Brown said in her book Daring Greatly, “Everyone wants to know why customer service has gone to hell in a handbasket. I want to know why customer behavior has gone to hell in a handbasket.” Consider other perspectives. Listen to the reactions of the people you're yelling at. It's ok to share your opinions and feelings, but don't do it at the expense of someone else.

Wedding Season is Here Again

This weekend started another spring season of wedding bliss. For me, this means dressing up, stuffing my face with cake, and sometimes dancing very badly. I can't believe it's almost been a year since Dani's and Ashley's weddings and I have four more this year. I was talking to a friend the other day who had only been invited to only one wedding in her life. I think being from a small town creates more wedding opportunities, plus I have a rather large family so I've been to quite a few. Here are some things I've learned:


1. Just because someone has a wedding registry does not mean they are easy to buy for. Sometimes a couple only wants things that are hundreds of dollars and buying anything else makes you seem cheap. Sometimes they put things like one mixing bowl or a laundry hamper on their registry, which you can assume they'll use but it makes for a pretty stupid present. Sometimes nothing they want is in the store you are at. A lot of the time, most of the registry items are for the bride and friends/family of the groom can't find a present that will really be appreciated by the one they want to appreciate it. But those who don't have a registry give no clues at all and this can be just as bad.

2. Every dance floor is different and it sometimes takes a while to understand the atmosphere. I've been to weddings where no one dances and, if you do, you feel 100 eyes staring at you and I've been to ones where there is no room on the dance floor and everyone is amazing dancers so you're not sure how to keep up. The rule here is just stop worrying about everyone else (except maybe the bride and groom) and enjoy yourself. I'm a terrible dancer, but the best wedding receptions I've been to have involved me making a fool of myself.

3. Wedding attire is tough unless you are part of the wedding and the dress is chosen for you. I love dresses but one dress does not cover all weddings. Some are black tie affairs and others very casual. Finding common ground it difficult. I tend to believe going on the dressy side is safer, but less comfortable usually. The one thing I always say is have shoes easy to slip off or comfortable. It's usually a long night.

4. Someone is going to cry. Every wedding I've ever been to involved tears at some point or another. I am a huge crier, but not a wedding crier. Why is this so emotional? Be happy and celebrate!

5. I hate bouquet tosses. Everyone points out I'm single, makes me walk in front of everyone and pretend I'm dying to carry around some flowers for the rest of the night. I don't want to get married anytime soon. I don't need flowers. Give it to the pretty little girls in dresses. That makes for the best show.

6. You can tell a lot about a couple by their wedding ceremony. These services vary greatly. Some are lengthy and some very short. Music is a big part of some and nonexistent in others. Couples that write their own vows are different than ones you can only whisper an "I do." When two people are nervous in front of a crowd, they often show their true colors too. Watch their faces and how they look at each other. It's often the sweetest part of a wedding.

7. Wedding food is the bomb. I am so excited to keep eating. Haha.


P.S. Congratulations to my Uncle Steve and new aunt Diana on their wedding this past weekend.

No, I Can Not Come to My Phone Right Now.

If you have ever urgently needed to get ahold of me, you have probably been frustrated. I won't text you back right away. Answering a call? 50/50 at best. My friends and family are always harping on me because I am difficult to contact. I understand this agitation; I really do. But I'm not apologetic about it either. Sometimes, I need a phone detox. When I get home, I often set my phone on the charger, on vibrate or silent, and leave it for hours. It isn't because I want to be left alone exactly. It is because just the presence of that phone in my hand or pocket or purse is pulling me away from the world in front of me. What is it about a cell phone that is so magnetic?

I see this with my students all the time. I'm not going to whine about students and their phones in school. Honestly, I utilize the phones for pop quizzes whenever I can. What I am most concerned about isn't the fact that they are not listening to me or not following my cell phone rules (although that totally frustrates me). I am most concerned about the anguish in their faces when they want to reach down in their bag, but I'm standing beside them. And the time a boy chewed his nails raw when I took his phone away for one 50-minute period. I am concerned that we don't know how to function alone or offline. This is why texting and driving is such an epidemic. I fall prey to it too. Today, I had to throw my phone in the back seat of my car just so I would stop lighting up the screen every few minutes as I drove.

So, if I don't get back to you about your funny text until tomorrow, it's not because I am ignoring you, upset, or angry. I just can't come to the phone right now.