You Deserve to Eat

 I know a lot of people are starting the year with diets. Maybe you are avoiding carbs or added sugar. Maybe you are loading up on protein or drinking gallons of water each day. Whatever you are doing, I hope that is going well. I am rooting you on with whatever you do. But for anyone out there that needs to hear this, you deserve to eat. Even if you didn't go to the gym today. Even if the number on the scale isn't what you'd like. Even if you ate a big breakfast. You are worthy of food when you are hungry. Period. I am so tired of us demonizing food and therefore ourselves or others who eat those foods. 

To the coworker who walks by the bowl of Starburst on my desk each day with a pained look on her face because that one piece of candy is totally off-limits, I really wish you'd enjoy a moment of bliss on the way back to your desk. 

To the coworker who makes comments about how much she needs to lose every single day, I think you are wonderful and I hope you can appreciate many things your body can do in spite of any number.

To the coworker who watches what everyone else eats at lunch and tries to explain her choices for her own meal, you don't have to justify your own worth. I wish you would start enjoying your lunch instead of stressing about it. And when I don't eat, it is because I promise I'm just not hungry. I'm not better than you. 

And most importantly, to myself, guilt should not be an ingredient of any food. It was okay to trash that broccoli because it didn't taste good. It was okay that you ate that whole plate of nachos when you were really hungry. No matter what my size, I deserve to eat. 

Stand Tall

 When I took photos with friends in high school, I used to always lean over or squat down. I didn't want to be the awkward, tall friend. For so many years, I tried to make myself smaller. While our society values big, tall men, I can assure you that most people don't feel the same about women. Never once have I heard a positive comment from someone about my height (unless they are asking me to grab something on a higher shelf.)

Books I read always have a main character who is small and petite. Usually the character jokes about and is teased about how short she is, but it's always in an affectionate manner. She is "small but mighty" or a "little spitfire." And, in romances, the men around them always kiss them on the top of the head or pick them up to throw over their shoulder. 

It isn't just a standard in fantasy. In the real world, I have had so many guys make comments about me being "too tall." On dating apps, I have actually seen profiles that request no girls over 5' 6".  New people that I meet ask if I play sports and when I admit I'm not athletic, they say things like, "That is a shame."  I have had at least three coworkers who have made comments about me wearing heels, "Aren't you already tall enough without those shoes?" 

About a month ago, I delivered some materials to a 5th grade student. It was the first time I had met her in person after months of teaching through a computer screen. Her first reaction was, "You're so tall!" In the past, I would have brushed that comment away, trying to draw attention away from myself. But I remembered how hesitant this particular student was to turn her camera on during class and show her face. So, instead, I said, "Yeah, I used to not like that I was different than my friends. But now I love being the tallest one in the room. It's good to be different." 

After teaching middle school for 6 years, I know that almost every student of this age is confronting how they don't meet the standards of the community around them. Students worry about their skin being too dark or they have too many freckles. They hate their big foreheads or breast size. This student said, "I'm different than my friends too." While she didn't share details, I said, "Well, I love that you are different. I'm so glad I got to see your face today." She stills hides her face during most classes. I can't change a 10-year-old's self-image with one conversation. However, she shares with me a lot more.

I didn't lie to her. I now really own my height. I love speaking in a meeting or talking to a student and having others look up to me. When I slipped on my heels and became over 6-foot tall today, I felt powerful and confident and ready to take on the day. I hope all of you take on the day today without hiding your smile because of crooked teeth or covering your beautiful face because of acne. Don't apologize for not looking like everyone else. 

No One Is Looking At You...

     I read in a book recently (I can't remember which one unfortunately) that most people are worried of what others are thinking of them while the other people are only worrying about themselves. At first, I rejected this idea. It seemed self-centered and I felt that not everyone was self-obsessed. Also, everyone is always judging everyone around them, right? 

    Yesterday, I walked into a gym to do a cycling class. I hadn't done one of those classes in a long time and knew that I was out of shape and would be terrible. To amplify my insecurities, the bikes lit up based on your pace and effort. While others had red lights flashing for the entire hour, I struggled to move my light from green to yellow. I felt really embarrassed, but then I remembered that book I had read. I took a quick glance around the room. Guess what? Besides me, no one was looking at anyone but themselves in the mirror or down at their bike. Every person was on their own journey. They were only worried about themselves. In fact, I remembered when I walked in. how the entire back row was taken first. Most likely those cyclist felt insecure as well. And even if someone had noticed my slow progress, they probably didn't think twice about it. Why would a stranger's abilities matter to them?

    Moments like this happen to me too often. A few weeks back, the jumpsuit I was wearing to work starting to come apart at one of the seams. The entire day, I had anxiety about if people were looking at it. It was layered, so it wasn't like you could even see skin. I just compounded my own anxiety about my weight and made a huge deal about a little tear. Then I thought, when have I ever studied one of my coworker's outfits? I couldn't tell you what anyone was wearing yesterday. Our work stations are 20 feet apart, for goodness sakes. And even if I had seen a rip in someone's outfit, I wouldn't have ever thought that rip was an indicator of their weight. Rips happen.

    Every person in the world has their own problems. Their own workload and families and goals and plans. Even if it seems self-absorbed, we as humans think of ourselves more than anyone else thinks of us. I need to be much less worried about others looking at me and much more concerned about how I look at myself. I may have many flaws, but there are a lot of good things to see too.