Last year, my dad sold the dirt contracting business that he had worked countless hours at my entire life. Now, he spends his days in Arizona with a pool and bar in his back yard, big machines and leveled dirt only in his memories. Even though that profession isn't a part of my life or my family's life anymore, it's funny how it can stick with you.
As I sat and watched it rain and rain and rain this weekend, all I kept thinking about is how muddy those construction sites were going to be. I kept remembering my dad moping around the house, thinking about the time and money he was losing. I was actually really upset that my rain gauge wasn't out because I felt the need to go check how many inches we had accumulated. I even made potato soup because I knew that was what my dad would have put his effort into when he got rained out.
This isn't the only way I'm still attached to the construction business. I can't tell you how many times in this past year I've driven by yellow bulldozers or scrapers and turned my head, looking for that Siel Construction label on the side that I know isn't there. Sometimes I'll see a truck with Oversize Load on the back and check the cab for a familiar face. I drive over highways all the time and wonder did my dad ever work on this stretch of land? Even though I was never involved in my dad's business more than holding a stop sign on the side of the road for one summer, it's amazing how others' lives and careers can seep into your own without you thinking about it.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Sunday, April 23, 2017
When I Became the Dumb Girl in a Horror Movie...
It is dark outside and the windows in my living room reflect an image of myself, headphones in and computer on my lap, back at me. My cat, Bowser, is curled up on a blanket beside me. A normal weekday night. Suddenly, Bowser jumps up. His ears prick up on high alert. I pull an ear bud out to listen too. The house is instantly eerie and I hear all the rustling and squeaks of the house. I pause a moment, about to put the earbud back in. Then, a loud howl comes from up the stairs. I immediately know it is my other cat Max. He howls again and I drop the computer next to me and start running up the stairs, hollering for him.
"Max! Max! Are you okay?"
I get to the top of the stairs and there Max sits at the top. There are no visible signs of trauma. The howls from only seconds before don't seem connected to him at all. I kneel down to check him more closely, petting his head, more to comfort myself than him.
I think I hear a noise. I pull my head up, look forward into the bathroom...and the shower curtain moves, flapping slightly at the bottom.
I freeze momentarily and then quickly check to confirm that Bowser is on the steps behind me. He looks back at me with curious eyes. I turn back to the bathroom.
And then, for who knows what reason, I do the one thing that my friends and I yell at every person in every horror movie for doing. I walk toward the bathroom. Do I have a weapon? Nope. Do I have my phone in my hand? Nowhere near me. I just can't go anywhere or do anything until I find out what is behind that curtain. I even do the whole "Hello? Is someone there?" thing. What do I think was gonna happen? An intruder will come out into the open and say something like "Hi, how are you tonight?"
After a few cautious steps, I fling the shower curtain open with a loud clang. Nothing is there....obviously.
I have to tell you, I am truly a weird person, because I kind of enjoyed the adrenaline rush of that night. My heart raced as I checked every crevice of the house. I actually thought, "Maybe I should write a horror novel." Later, that week, my friend Sarah and I actually watched some new horror movies.
I did think about the characters a bit differently this time around though. I always yell at the screen to "RUN" but, in the moment it is sometimes better to confront than hide from the scary things. The known, no matter how bad, is better than the unknown.
"Max! Max! Are you okay?"
I get to the top of the stairs and there Max sits at the top. There are no visible signs of trauma. The howls from only seconds before don't seem connected to him at all. I kneel down to check him more closely, petting his head, more to comfort myself than him.
I think I hear a noise. I pull my head up, look forward into the bathroom...and the shower curtain moves, flapping slightly at the bottom.
I freeze momentarily and then quickly check to confirm that Bowser is on the steps behind me. He looks back at me with curious eyes. I turn back to the bathroom.
And then, for who knows what reason, I do the one thing that my friends and I yell at every person in every horror movie for doing. I walk toward the bathroom. Do I have a weapon? Nope. Do I have my phone in my hand? Nowhere near me. I just can't go anywhere or do anything until I find out what is behind that curtain. I even do the whole "Hello? Is someone there?" thing. What do I think was gonna happen? An intruder will come out into the open and say something like "Hi, how are you tonight?"
After a few cautious steps, I fling the shower curtain open with a loud clang. Nothing is there....obviously.
I have to tell you, I am truly a weird person, because I kind of enjoyed the adrenaline rush of that night. My heart raced as I checked every crevice of the house. I actually thought, "Maybe I should write a horror novel." Later, that week, my friend Sarah and I actually watched some new horror movies.
I did think about the characters a bit differently this time around though. I always yell at the screen to "RUN" but, in the moment it is sometimes better to confront than hide from the scary things. The known, no matter how bad, is better than the unknown.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
A Safe Place
Four days a week, as the final bell rings in my classroom, I don't watch my room clear out, but instead wait as about 15-20 screaming, wild children pile in. I am a Power Hour teacher, which means after school I watch a group of 7th graders complete their homework (or more likely avoid completing their homework) from 3:00-4:00. As other teachers walk out to the parking lot and head home, I attempt to placate children who have already been sitting at desks for over six hours that day. It is by far the most exhausting hour of my day. I won't lie and tell you I do it for some noble reason or I want to be there for the kids. I honestly signed up for the extra money (I have student loans, you know), but I do like the idea that I get to make connections with kids I would otherwise never see. I become the person who asks each day what homework they have, holding them accountable.
On my one day a week that I don't work at Power Hour, I am usually at a meeting. Department meetings, professional development, or staff meetings make up my Tuesdays. But on one day a month--one lone and glorious day--I have neither meetings nor Power Hour on my calendar. In theory, I should be able to walk out the door at 3:00 with no obligations and a free afternoon.
I never, ever have.
That is because on those days, I always find stragglers in my room. Two girls will shyly wander in and ask if they can avoid the crowds downstairs and help me with something. I give them simple cleaning tasks and they giggle and talk about middle school gossip and make grand plans to hook me up with every male teacher in the building. Then, a boy comes in and asks if I can help him with his grade. What starts as reading tutoring soon turns into conversations about his basketball team and help with his math homework and then predictions about who will win the NBA playoffs this year. Another boy asks to use my phone and then waits for his mom while charging his Chromebook using my outlet. This is one example of the pattern that happens every month.
I could shut them out. I could say, "No, I have to get home" or "You should be downstairs with everyone else." I never do. This is because I understand the value of a safe place. A place away from social drama of school. A place that feels like home. I remember sneaking down the hallway after lunch almost every day to "work on the yearbook" where I mostly just messed around with a few other students and talked. Those were some of my favorite moments of the day. So many students find their own places. I see students getting "help with math" every day in a classroom down the hall. I watch students linger in the band room as they pick up their instruments. Some students sign up for science fair just to have a place to go each day.
My classroom is a space of learning. This, of course, is its primary purpose. But if it can also be a shelter for the wanderers, I think that's a pretty awesome purpose too.
On my one day a week that I don't work at Power Hour, I am usually at a meeting. Department meetings, professional development, or staff meetings make up my Tuesdays. But on one day a month--one lone and glorious day--I have neither meetings nor Power Hour on my calendar. In theory, I should be able to walk out the door at 3:00 with no obligations and a free afternoon.
I never, ever have.
That is because on those days, I always find stragglers in my room. Two girls will shyly wander in and ask if they can avoid the crowds downstairs and help me with something. I give them simple cleaning tasks and they giggle and talk about middle school gossip and make grand plans to hook me up with every male teacher in the building. Then, a boy comes in and asks if I can help him with his grade. What starts as reading tutoring soon turns into conversations about his basketball team and help with his math homework and then predictions about who will win the NBA playoffs this year. Another boy asks to use my phone and then waits for his mom while charging his Chromebook using my outlet. This is one example of the pattern that happens every month.
I could shut them out. I could say, "No, I have to get home" or "You should be downstairs with everyone else." I never do. This is because I understand the value of a safe place. A place away from social drama of school. A place that feels like home. I remember sneaking down the hallway after lunch almost every day to "work on the yearbook" where I mostly just messed around with a few other students and talked. Those were some of my favorite moments of the day. So many students find their own places. I see students getting "help with math" every day in a classroom down the hall. I watch students linger in the band room as they pick up their instruments. Some students sign up for science fair just to have a place to go each day.
My classroom is a space of learning. This, of course, is its primary purpose. But if it can also be a shelter for the wanderers, I think that's a pretty awesome purpose too.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Accepting Yourself
As I was reviewing my past several blog posts, I realized that they definitely haven't been as positive or uplifting as my usual tone in the last few months. I don't think this is unusual. In past years the trend has been to be less optimistic in the months of February and March (Did you know I've been doing this blog for almost 5 years now?!?). But something about springtime, the warmer weather and flowers blooming, always makes me want to move on and change my outlook on life. Easter weekend seems like the right time to set the tone for the rest of my 2017.
My siblings are coming over this weekend. I don't talk to my brother and sister very regularly. We all have busy lives. We would be there for each other in a heartbeat, but we also know that we can do things by ourselves. I know that we will all put in as much effort as we can in our schoolwork or jobs. We will all take care of our financial situations and pay for our college educations. In difficult situations, we will figure out a solution. Sure, we sometimes call home and run through options with our parents, but we make our own decisions. But as a whole, we have high standards for ourselves and believe in we are good enough without anyone telling us so.
Of course, we all have strengths. I really admire Josh's easy-going attitude. He is so self-assured that, unlike Brigitte and I, he doesn't hesitate or question his decisions. He does what he does and he is happy with it. No regrets. I love Brigitte's ambition. She has big dreams for herself and believes she can do everything she sets her mind to. I believe it too.
Like with my siblings, I truly believe I am capable of taking care of myself. I am independent. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am motivated. Even so, I think I am lonely. Not because I live alone or work mostly alone or need a boyfriend or need more friends, but because as I've gotten older, I started losing myself a little bit. One of my favorite authors of all time, Mark Twain, once said, "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." I so often, even when home alone, think about what I "should" be doing or how I can be "people pleasing" as my mom would call it. I also distract myself with a phone or television or book or computer. I very rarely give myself time to just be by myself.
So this is my goal for the rest of the year:
I want to run my own race.
Not by the route my parents or best friends or anyone else says is the best, but on the path that feels right to me. I want to stop dwelling on the "you should..." or "you just need to..." or the "why don't you..."or "have you ever considered..." I need to listen to my own voice. I'm going to stop running my decisions by five different people and just do it (like Josh.) I'm going to start thinking about who I am and what I want for myself and running full blast toward it (like Brigitte). On my birthday last week, my dad told me "These are the best years of your life. You have a great job and money to do things and nothing holding you down." That was the best thing anyone has said to me in a while. It made me feel as if I wasn't missing anything or doing anything wrong, but just set up on a new starting line. Ready, Set, Go!
My siblings are coming over this weekend. I don't talk to my brother and sister very regularly. We all have busy lives. We would be there for each other in a heartbeat, but we also know that we can do things by ourselves. I know that we will all put in as much effort as we can in our schoolwork or jobs. We will all take care of our financial situations and pay for our college educations. In difficult situations, we will figure out a solution. Sure, we sometimes call home and run through options with our parents, but we make our own decisions. But as a whole, we have high standards for ourselves and believe in we are good enough without anyone telling us so.
Of course, we all have strengths. I really admire Josh's easy-going attitude. He is so self-assured that, unlike Brigitte and I, he doesn't hesitate or question his decisions. He does what he does and he is happy with it. No regrets. I love Brigitte's ambition. She has big dreams for herself and believes she can do everything she sets her mind to. I believe it too.
Like with my siblings, I truly believe I am capable of taking care of myself. I am independent. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am motivated. Even so, I think I am lonely. Not because I live alone or work mostly alone or need a boyfriend or need more friends, but because as I've gotten older, I started losing myself a little bit. One of my favorite authors of all time, Mark Twain, once said, "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." I so often, even when home alone, think about what I "should" be doing or how I can be "people pleasing" as my mom would call it. I also distract myself with a phone or television or book or computer. I very rarely give myself time to just be by myself.
So this is my goal for the rest of the year:
I want to run my own race.
Not by the route my parents or best friends or anyone else says is the best, but on the path that feels right to me. I want to stop dwelling on the "you should..." or "you just need to..." or the "why don't you..."or "have you ever considered..." I need to listen to my own voice. I'm going to stop running my decisions by five different people and just do it (like Josh.) I'm going to start thinking about who I am and what I want for myself and running full blast toward it (like Brigitte). On my birthday last week, my dad told me "These are the best years of your life. You have a great job and money to do things and nothing holding you down." That was the best thing anyone has said to me in a while. It made me feel as if I wasn't missing anything or doing anything wrong, but just set up on a new starting line. Ready, Set, Go!
Saturday, April 8, 2017
25 Things You Might Not Know About Me
I turned 25 this week, so I figured that would be a good number for my blog today. Here are 25 facts about me!
1. Even though I tell everyone my favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls (it is amazing), if I'm honest it's probably "Yeah" by Usher.
2. Out of siblings, I was the only one to wear glasses, get my tonsils out, or wear braces. So basically, I was expensive.
3. I really enjoy dressing up and doing my make-up, but most people assume I don't because I don't feel the need to wear make-up every day.
4. My knuckles pop in and out with a loud noise whenever I make a fist. I use this as a party trick for my classes whenever I need them to be quiet and focus on me.
5. When I was a kid, I collected fairy figurines. I have over 30 of them and still created a "fairy haven" in my room now. Even at 25 years old, I love a sense of magic.
6. I prefer Mac Computers, but Android phones.
7. I dislike shopping with other people. Don't get me wrong, I love shopping. But I like to do it at my own pace without suggestions from someone else.
8. I don't own a single pair of white socks. Or long socks. I wear colors and I wear them short.
9. I always let the people at the nail salon pick my pedicure design. Every time, I just say "Surprise Me." I've gotten everything from footballs to peace signs to heartbeats to polka dots.
10. I have seen every episode of both Survivor and Law and Order: SVU (that's over 800 hours of television).
11. Some people have a certain "side of the bed", but I definitely do not. In fact, I prefer to switch each night. I have even slept with my head at the foot of the bed before.
12. I have severe social anxiety. If I'm being introduced to someone new or having a conversation with someone that I don't know well, I guarantee my heart is racing and my mouth is dry and I am nauseous. Every instinct in me tells me to run away even though there is literally no danger presented by someone asking me about myself.
13. I probably write a list every single day. I love making lists (bet you couldn't tell from my blog). I make them for groceries and to-dos and grouping students and things I want to do better and ideas for class activities. Oftentimes, I make a list and then throw it away. Just the act of listing things helps me.
14. I've always wanted to be a YouTube vlogger, but I'm not good on camera.
15. I was such a compulsive liar as a kid that I am sometimes not sure what are real memories and what are lies or inventions that I led myself to believe were true.
16. I hate those radio shows like "Date 'Em or Dump 'Em" where they confront real people on the radio. I have to change the station immediately. They make me so uncomfortable.
17. I always eat the heads of broccoli and throw the stalks away. I also don't eat the peel on potatoes. I always eat sandwich crusts before the middle. I could make a list of at 25 other crazy picky-eating habits I have, but I won't bore you.
18. I was the caller at Siel Christmas Bingo for 12 years.
19. Instead of dreaming about my wedding like most girls I know, the idea of a wedding full of invitations and place settings and strangers (see social anxiety #12) sounds terrible to me. I prefer the idea of eloping in some exotic place.
20. I am a super fast eater. Every time I go out with friends, I am finished before they are even half-way done. Once, I walked out of the dining hall in college and realized I'd only been in there for 5 minutes total.
21. I'm probably going to die in a fire or tornado because I am notorious for ignoring alarms. Just this week, there the fire alarms went off at my school and I didn't have students at the time, so I just sat in my room grading and hoped it was a drill.
22. Even though I'm an avid reader, I have only read three books more than once and all of them were because I had to read them again for school (The Hobbit, The Outsiders, and The Giver).
23. My family dog, Ginger, was actually my 12th birthday present. She decided within the first week of living with us that she liked my dad best though. So basically, my dad stole my birthday present that year.
24. I'm not afraid to go to movies in theaters alone. I actually really enjoy the serenity of it.
25. I have been on at least 30 different roller coasters in my life . I cried the first time I went on the Mamba because I was so afraid of heights (and my parents will never let me live this down), but now I can't get enough of them.
1. Even though I tell everyone my favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls (it is amazing), if I'm honest it's probably "Yeah" by Usher.
2. Out of siblings, I was the only one to wear glasses, get my tonsils out, or wear braces. So basically, I was expensive.
3. I really enjoy dressing up and doing my make-up, but most people assume I don't because I don't feel the need to wear make-up every day.
4. My knuckles pop in and out with a loud noise whenever I make a fist. I use this as a party trick for my classes whenever I need them to be quiet and focus on me.
5. When I was a kid, I collected fairy figurines. I have over 30 of them and still created a "fairy haven" in my room now. Even at 25 years old, I love a sense of magic.
6. I prefer Mac Computers, but Android phones.
7. I dislike shopping with other people. Don't get me wrong, I love shopping. But I like to do it at my own pace without suggestions from someone else.
8. I don't own a single pair of white socks. Or long socks. I wear colors and I wear them short.
9. I always let the people at the nail salon pick my pedicure design. Every time, I just say "Surprise Me." I've gotten everything from footballs to peace signs to heartbeats to polka dots.
10. I have seen every episode of both Survivor and Law and Order: SVU (that's over 800 hours of television).
11. Some people have a certain "side of the bed", but I definitely do not. In fact, I prefer to switch each night. I have even slept with my head at the foot of the bed before.
12. I have severe social anxiety. If I'm being introduced to someone new or having a conversation with someone that I don't know well, I guarantee my heart is racing and my mouth is dry and I am nauseous. Every instinct in me tells me to run away even though there is literally no danger presented by someone asking me about myself.
13. I probably write a list every single day. I love making lists (bet you couldn't tell from my blog). I make them for groceries and to-dos and grouping students and things I want to do better and ideas for class activities. Oftentimes, I make a list and then throw it away. Just the act of listing things helps me.
14. I've always wanted to be a YouTube vlogger, but I'm not good on camera.
15. I was such a compulsive liar as a kid that I am sometimes not sure what are real memories and what are lies or inventions that I led myself to believe were true.
16. I hate those radio shows like "Date 'Em or Dump 'Em" where they confront real people on the radio. I have to change the station immediately. They make me so uncomfortable.
17. I always eat the heads of broccoli and throw the stalks away. I also don't eat the peel on potatoes. I always eat sandwich crusts before the middle. I could make a list of at 25 other crazy picky-eating habits I have, but I won't bore you.
18. I was the caller at Siel Christmas Bingo for 12 years.
19. Instead of dreaming about my wedding like most girls I know, the idea of a wedding full of invitations and place settings and strangers (see social anxiety #12) sounds terrible to me. I prefer the idea of eloping in some exotic place.
20. I am a super fast eater. Every time I go out with friends, I am finished before they are even half-way done. Once, I walked out of the dining hall in college and realized I'd only been in there for 5 minutes total.
21. I'm probably going to die in a fire or tornado because I am notorious for ignoring alarms. Just this week, there the fire alarms went off at my school and I didn't have students at the time, so I just sat in my room grading and hoped it was a drill.
22. Even though I'm an avid reader, I have only read three books more than once and all of them were because I had to read them again for school (The Hobbit, The Outsiders, and The Giver).
23. My family dog, Ginger, was actually my 12th birthday present. She decided within the first week of living with us that she liked my dad best though. So basically, my dad stole my birthday present that year.
24. I'm not afraid to go to movies in theaters alone. I actually really enjoy the serenity of it.
25. I have been on at least 30 different roller coasters in my life . I cried the first time I went on the Mamba because I was so afraid of heights (and my parents will never let me live this down), but now I can't get enough of them.
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