Being Sick

I have spent the last two days home sick, mostly in my bed, alternating between shivering and sweating. I must have jinxed myself because I just told someone this weekend that I hadn't really been sick in my entire first two years of teaching.

I've always thought of myself as an independent person. I can take care of myself and don't feel the need to rely on others. That's most likely why I've been single my whole life. I never felt the need to be with anyone. I take care of myself financially. I rarely feel lonely. I like to make my own decisions. By the age of 24, most females in my life have been married with families, but that always felt unnecessary to me. I had a career and education and friends for social activities and family for holidays.

For the first time in my adult life, as I was miserable in my bed at 2:00 in the afternoon, I really wanted someone else there.

Practically, there was no reason for this. I knew that I needed to drink plenty of liquids and get sleep. I was able to take medicine and make myself soup. If someone had been there, they wouldn't have been able to do anything about my condition. In fact, I would probably just spread my virus onto them. I called my mom both days anyway and, even though she just gave me advice I already knew, her advice made me feel better.  I still checked my work emails and my Facebook just to feel remotely connected to other people.

Coincidentally, I just watched an episode of the show Pure Genius this week about a woman in the hospital getting a serious surgery and no one was there with her. The patient said she didn't want to bother friends and family when they had other things in their life to deal with other than worrying about her. She learned the same lesson I learned this week though. Doctors and medicine and water may cure your body, but it's other people that replenish your soul.

Transforming Self-Critcism into Self-Worth

I am hard on myself. I know it, but I still doubt and criticize myself daily. So, this week, as an experiment, I decided to record my self-criticism and then essentially edit it into self-praise. I think it made me really consider the boundary between high expectations and unrealistic expectations. I was really beating myself up about some of these things and when I made myself reflect like this, I had to admit how ridiculous some of these criticisms were. I didn't do anything illegal or immoral. I didn't hurt myself or anyone else in any way. Maybe I didn't do my best, but I did enough.  I am enough.


1. I only made it to my gym three times this week.

2. I'm not sure I responded appropriately to a parent in a phone call. I made 7 phone calls home this week even though they make me extremely uncomfortable because I cared about the children doing their best.

3. I am behind on dishes/laundry/cleaning. I spent some quality time with my siblings this week, caught up with friends I hadn't seen in a while, and graded 75 essays, and still managed to have something clean to wear and something to eat on every single day.

4. I slept in too late on Thursday and didn't wear any makeup or even do my hair for work. I was present and engaged every day with my students.

5. I did all my graduate school work at the last minute.

6. I let the kitty litter sit without cleaning it for several days and it was gross. I spent 20 minutes today brushing my cat because he is too old to groom himself well.

7. I didn't eat very healthy this week. I didn't drink a single Mountain Dew this week.

8. I skipped 3 lunches in the teacher's lounge this week, so everyone probably thinks I'm antisocial. I spent my entire lunch one day this week listening to a teacher who was upset vent and I told her she was doing a good job, because everyone needs to hear that once in a while.

9. I forgot to call the dentist to schedule an appointment. I paid all my bills for the month weeks before they were due.

10. I had to stop twice during a workout because I'm so out of shape...but I didn't give up and I finished with the rest of the class.

Setting Boundaries

I think probably the most important thing I learned this year (my 2nd) in teaching so far is the art of setting boundaries. Obviously I always knew there should be clear rules and expectations. My classroom was never a place of complete chaos and no limits. I have rules posted on my wall and I go over what I expect of my students often. What I hadn't established (and am still in the process of) is continuing to the "or what?" game plan. I would yell and, unfortunately, sometimes even shame students when they disobeyed rules or behaved disrespectfully. As a result, I was constantly frustrated, exhausted, angry, and ashamed of myself.

What I'm realizing is that reprimanding a student every day for not doing their work or leaning back in their chairs is just making everyone tired. Instead, I starting saying calmly, "That is your warning. Change your behavior or sit in the break seat." Sometimes that is all it takes. The boundaries are set. They are sure. Sometimes, I get loud and angry resistance. But I try not to argue. I don't explain myself. I just ask them to move to the break seat. If they don't follow this, I hand them a pass to the office. No exceptions.

This seems so simple. So why wasn't I doing it before? Why was I wasting my time and energy and my students' learning time for discipline? I think the answer is that I wasn't confident in myself. When a student challenged me, I was worried I might be overreacting. I didn't want to be judged by other teachers or administrators for not being able to handle my students. Shame and self-doubt are terrible, awful, soul-eating feelings. But that email I nervously wrote to my principal yesterday asserting that a student was not allowed back in my room  without an apology and a plan for better behavior was worth it. The boundary was clear. He couldn't jump the fence, but had to use the gate.

I think this lesson might bleed over into other areas of my life. I am constantly worried about what others might think or not confident in my decisions, so I easily give in to changes suggested by others. I want to have boundaries in my life. I want to be confident that my first decision was the right one. This will take time, but I think, like with my disruptive student, building that fence will be worth it.

New Year's Resolutions 2017

Although I know most New Year's resolutions fizzle out long before a year is over, goal setting is something I always find motivating and important in driving our lives. I have my students set goals every quarter and I have a goal for every lesson, every week, every semester. So, here are my big goals for myself this year. This is who I want to be in 2017.

1. Be more social. I want to do something with someone outside of school at least once a week, whether that's a drink after work, girls' night out, lunch to catch up with an old friend, a movie, a sporting event or a walk. Phone calls or texts don't count. I have to actual do something with someone.

2. Keep tracking my food. Last Christmas, I was the heaviest I had ever been and decided I needed to lose 50 pounds in 2016. I came up short at 35 pounds down, but I'm still proud of my effort throughout the year to always track my food and be conscious of what was going in my body. I tracked 342 days last year and am looking to track all 365 this year.

3. Complete 6 graduate classes with a 4.0. I have two classes done and eight to go. I plan to finish six in 2017 and I'd really love to hold onto that perfect GPA that I didn't get in high school or undergraduate.

4. Find ways to destress. I know what things help me relax the most (movies in a theater alone with no phone, spinergy class at the gym, paint-by-number, long showers), but I "don't have time" to do them. This is ridiculous. I must find time at least once a week. This is probably more important to my health than dieting at this point.

5. Make my bed a sleep-only zone. I have a really bad habit of working on my computer or watching TV or playing on my phone or reading on my Kindle while in bed and then I procrastinate the actual sleeping part. Quality sleep starts with putting down all devices and designating that spot to sleeping.