Opening Up Your Heart

If you know me well, you know that Survivor has been (for 16 years now!) my favorite show on television. I love the challenges of endurance and teamwork and puzzles. I love the blindsides and the social play. I love the fire-building and shelter-making. I love the hunts for immunity idols. But most of all I love the authenticity. 

Survivor is, without a doubt, the most authentic reality show out there. These people aren't putting on an act. They aren't performing for an audience. They are stripped of their possessions and their families and friends. They are utterly themselves. This means they break down and cry. They scream at each other and have temper tantrums in which they throw rice. They form meaningful bonds with each other and ultimately grow as people. I can vaguely remember 3-4 contestants on The Voice, but I feel as if I personally know dozens of Survivor contestants.

I guess, my point is, I wish life were more like a Survivor island. I wish we could stop hiding and putting on performances and just be human for a second. I get so exhausted from acting certain ways around certain people. I'm trying to always be the teacher I think my principal will respect when he walks in the room. One of my students told me the other day that she had never seen me laugh and that made me feel miserable. I set up dating profiles as if they were a stage for a play rather than just an outpouring of who I am because I know that honesty scares people away.

I just want to hug someone without feeling awkward or share something personal without fearing judgment. I want to laugh out loud and not just politely smile and nod the rest of my life. I lock up my heart and do what is expected and tell everyone the same limited phrases like "I love my job" and "my new place is in a great location" and "grad classes are going well" because that's all anyone really wants to hear. I'm reading the book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close right now and the emotions of the characters in that book are so raw and beautiful. They share their anxieties and firm beliefs and big questions and fears. The world doesn't always treat them kindly because of it. I hope to be that kind of person anyway. My heart is bursting at the seams. I just need to find my island and let it free.