Battles Beyond What We See

The most utterly important lesson I have learned as a middle school teacher is to think about motivations. What is my motivation for teaching this lesson? What is your motivation for writing this personal narrative? What motivates this behavior (good or bad)? We don't do what we do for no reason at all.

Middle schoolers, though, don't always realize what motivates them. They act out and can't articulate their feelings. At the beginning of the school year, I tried to make them reason. This is laughable now. A student would be yelling in class and I'd pull them out in the hallway and ask what was wrong. The response would be something along the lines of "I hate you" or "This class sucks." I would prod more. "Why does it suck?" And I never once got a coherent answer.

But usually, it had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to do with English class. This was a ricochet from another battle. A battle beyond what I could see. Every once in a while I catch glimpses. One student tells me he doesn't care whether I call home because his mom is probably high anyway. A girl writes a story for class about a "dream" that involves vivid details of an abusive father. I hear a conversation in the hallway where a student says she "will never ever be as smart as her sister." I sit with a boy on the staircase who is crying because of what a bully said to him. A student comes in after class and tells me his cousin was shot in a gang fight and he just wanted to tell someone. So maybe they aren't focused today in class. Maybe they are fighting and yelling. Maybe they curse in your face. Or just don't bring their homework in. But they are motivated by something much deeper.

A friend on Facebook recently shared a post that said "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always." That is the motto I live by now. I can't always know what motivates them. They sure aren't going to tell me. But kindness is a language they do understand. This is not to be confused with coddling or being a pushover. I have high expectations for my students. But, no matter how mad I am (and I was SO mad today) I have to try to maintain kind responses. I can't be another soldier for the enemy, whoever that enemy might be.

Somebody That Loves Me

On Thursday after work, I was flipping through the radio stations and I happened upon the Whitney Houston song, "I Want to Dance with Somebody." I turned the volume up and started belting it out. For a few minutes, I felt perfectly happy. I continued to sing the song to myself long after I arrived home. The part I kept repeating was "somebody that loves me." As I heard myself sing it for the hundredth time, I suddenly wanted to surround myself with just that--people that loved me. So I called home and made last minute plans to take a weekend trip to my parents'. I just got back from Christmas break and had no real reason for making the trip back, but I felt that it was what I needed more than anything at that moment.

I've been in a funk lately where I am sad a lot for no reason at all. I had to leave the room with friends to cry in the bathroom and nothing at all had happened to upset me. My mom asked me why I seemed down and my excuses didn't really make any sense. A coworker asked me just last week if she could do anything to help because I seemed really down and I had to make up an excuse about being tired, even though I slept 9 hours the night before. It's very weird. But on Friday after work, I drove home. I sang for the entire 2 1/2 hour trip and cleared my mind of anything else. I played video games with my sister. I woke up the next day and my dog licked my face. I went to lunch with one of my best friends and we talked for a few hours about anything and everything. I talked about work and food and football and all kinds of random topics with my dad. I laid under blankets on the couch all day Sunday, watching movies with my mom. And when I left I was wrapped in warm hugs. I knew I was loved. Of course, I always know I am, but sometimes we go through hours, days, weeks, or months in life when we need to be reminded more often. So, tell someone close to you that you love them today. Wrap them in a hug. Send a caring message. It can mean so much more than you know.

Some New Year's Resolutions

It has been a long time since I wrote on this blog. Probably the longest gap since I started the blog four years ago. But I'm back! And it's a new year. So, in honor of that, here are my resolutions for 2016.

1. I bet I say "sorry" at minimum 10 times a day. I'm sorry I'm bothering you with this question. I'm sorry I'm talking too much. I'm sorry that I don't have the right answer. I'm sorry I can't hang out with you today. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I will stop saying "sorry" so much. I am always apologizing for everything as if my mere existence was offensive to others. I need to stop thinking about every small inconvenience I might impose on others and be more sure of what I am doing and saying.

2. When I got back from winter break, one of my students asked me "Miss Siel, did you do something amazing over break?"
"Not really," I replied. "It was a really nice break, but nothing amazing."
He studied me for a few moments and then asked, "Well did you sleep a lot?"
"Yes, I sure did."
"That explains it," he said with certainty.
"Explains what?"
"Why you are so much nicer than you were at the end of last semester."

I laughed at the time. I was much kinder and engaged and helpful than the end of the first semester when I felt stressed and drained and frustrated. Kids sense that stress and frustration. And it makes for more chaotic classrooms. I want to be a positive spot in these young people's lives. I want to be present.

3. I will take time for myself. I will sleep instead of checking lesson plans at night. I will read a book even if I have a pile laundry to do. I will go get my hair cut without worrying incessantly about the money I'm spending. I will have a drink with a friend after work because the grades can be entered tomorrow. I will see a movie every once in a while.

4. I will make time for friends. I know I need me time, but I also want to make sure I take time for more social interactions. There were so many days last semester that I didn't talk to anyone outside or work. This in unacceptable. I have a phone. I live in Lincoln and can meet up with others. I will stop making excuses and do something on Friday evening.

5. I will continue to learn and improve. This is my yearly resolution. I always, always want to keep growing.