Making Room in Your Basket

Do you remember Easter egg hunts as a kid? When you rushed around the park or the back yard snatching up brightly-colored eggs? When it didn't matter what was inside the plastic shell as long as you filled up your basket? Or those moments of terrified panic when you no longer see any eggs anywhere but your basket only has two eggs in it? I loved those adrenaline-packed hunts. I really did. Lately, though, I feel as if I've been living my entire life like a full-time egg hunt. And it's exhausting.

I was a terrible Easter egg hunter for two reasons: 1. I always panicked. When your brain is under stress you don't make good decisions. I was never looking around and problem solving. I was staring at just one area, usually the ground and I was freaking out and then not finding anything. I would even settle for the broken eggs that had been stepped on by other hunters. 2. I was too worried about everyone else. I would be comparing my basket to those kids near me which led to more of problem #1. I would hear others shouting, "Look up!" or "Over there!" and I was trying to listen to everyone instead of taking a breath and thinking about my own game plan.

To counteract this rushed, stressed egg-hunt mentality in my life, I've been working instead to empty my basket out. It started out small. I organized my classroom, ridding myself of the clutter of books or materials I had kept "just in case." KonMari's decluttering method suggests we ask "Does this bring me joy?" about all items we are holding onto in our lives. I'm not sure that all the remaining items in my classroom bring me great joy, but I can guarantee the organization now present in that room does. In fact, it brought me so much happiness that I continued the process in my home. I started throwing things in the trash. I starting selling items online. I gave things away. The empty spaces those joyless things once occupied made me feel lighter. I wasn't aware how much they had weighed me down until I untangled myself from them.

Then I moved away from material things. What is weighing me down mentally? The conclusion I came to was that the heaviest egg in my basket was my job. While teaching at my school has brought me so much joy in the past few years, it is like an egg that no longer contains my favorite candy. My tastes have changed and I no longer get excited to open it up each day. So, I resigned.

I believe the best teachers are happy teachers. The best teachers are passionate teachers. I need a new environment to become the best teacher I can be. Is it terrifying to have no job right now? Absolutely. Is it also the most freeing feeling in the world? I have never felt lighter. 

One of the most memorable Easter egg hunts of my childhood happened inside the house. It wasn't the bright-colored plastic eggs, but real eggs that we had dyed the day before. My siblings and I were each responsible for finding the eggs we had personally dyed. I couldn't find my last egg anywhere. As my siblings collected their last eggs, I was left searching alone. Instead of panicking, though, I changed my mindset and made it into a challenge. I was determined. I climbed on chairs and crawled on the floor. I ended up recruiting my little sister to help me. Although I'm sure my perception of time at that age is exaggerated, I believe it took me over 30 minutes to find. I remember my dad making jokes about the egg going rotten. But when I did find it, it felt amazing.

Right now, I can't see the perfect egg in front of me. I don't know where I'm going. But my basket is ready for something new and I'm determined to find it. I know it will be amazing.

Oscar Predictions for Tonight!

I have been stalling on this post all day. The honest truth is, I don't have a clear favorite in absolutely any category for the Oscars tonight. I saw a lot of good movies. I didn't see any that blew me away. There are always years like that. But I wanted to throw my predictions out anyway. Here they are for every category:

Adapted Screenplay:
Who Will Win--BlacKkKlansman (it's a compelling true story that relates to current events)
My Favorite--The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (This is a screwball movie on Netflix, but it perfectly captured the feeling I have when I read short stories. I liked the format.)

Original Screenplay:
Who Will Win--Green Book (his son wrote this about his father--that's a special thing)
My Favorite--Green Book

Visual Effects:
Who Will Win--First Man (this is the most critically acclaimed of the nominees)
My Favorite--Avengers: Infinity War

Sound Editing:
Who Will Win--Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--The Quiet Place (so unique!)

Sound Mixing:
Who Will Win-- Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--A Star is Born

Production Design:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favorite--Roma (He recreated his childhood home with props from his family. It was so believably 1970s Mexico.)

Original Song:
Who Will Win--Shallow from A Star is Born
My Favorite--All the Stars from Black Panther

Original Score:
Who Will Win--Mary Poppins Returns
My Favorite--Black Panther (I just thought the music made the movie special.)

Makeup and Hairstyling:
Who Will Win--Vice
My Favorite--Vice

Foreign Language Film:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favorite--Roma (It is on Netflix. Beautifully made. Very possibly will win Best Picture, but is guaranteed this category.)

Film Editing:
Who Will Win--Bohemian Rhapsody
My Favorite--Green Book (Honestly, I don't really understand this category haha).

Live Action Short:
Who Will Win--Skin (It is the only American-made movie and hits on current ideas about race.)
My Favorite--Fauve (This was the only nominee I cried at this year.)

Animated Short:
Who Will Win--Bao (More people saw it since it was aired before Incredibles 2 and it was quality)
My Favorite--Weekends (Something about this stood out to me. It felt honest.)

Documentary Short:
Who Will Win--Period. End of Sentence. (This is the only one I've heard buzz about. I actually missed watching any of the documentaries, long or short, this year.)

Documentary Feature:
Who Will Win--Free Solo

Directing:
Who Will Win--Alfonso Cuaron for Roma
My Favorite--Alfonso Cuaron

Costume Design:
Who Will Win-- The Favourite (Sandy Powell is the BEST costume designer in the industry. Period. She is nominated for both this and Mary Poppins Returns (she did both projects at the same exact time--incredible!) but is more likely to win for The Favourite.
My Favorite--The Favourite (The costumes were the best part of that movie in my opinion.)

Cinematography:
Who Will Win--Roma
My Favourite--Roma

Animated Feature:
Who Will Win--Spider Man: Into the Spider-Verse
My Favorite-Spider-Man (unique animation and a good story)

Supporting Actress:
Who Will Win--Regina King for If Beale Street Could Talk
My Favorite--Emma Stone for The Favourite (I couldn't find Beale Street in theaters so unfortunately haven't seen that yet, so Regina will probably be my favorite based on the reviews I've heard, but Emma was my favorite performance of the others.)

Leading Actress:
Who Will Win--Glenn Close for The Wife (based on age and number of previous nominations)
My Favorite--Olivia Coleman for The Favourite (based on her comedic timing and priceless expressions)

Supporting Actor:
Who Will Win--Mahershala Ali for Green Book (although he won last year...the Academy loves him, for good reason)
My Favorite--Mahershala Ali (that man can act!)

Leading Actor:
Who Will Win--Rami Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody (He has won all awards so far and did really capture Freddie Mercury, no small accomplishment)
My Favorite--Bradley Cooper for A Star is Born (He impressed the hell out of me and even Rami couldn't outdo him in my opinion. Plus, I think Cooper was screwed out of the Oscar for Silver Linings Playbook in 2013).

And...drumroll please....

Best Picture:
Who Will Win--Green Book (It is between this and Roma, but I'm going to lock it in with Green Book)
My Favorite--Black Panther (It won't win based on genre, but it is the one I enjoyed the most of all of them. I will only be disappointed if Vice or BlacKkKlansman wins. Those were my least favorites...so they probably will win. That's usually how it works haha.)

The Trouble with Advice

There have been times in all of our lives when we need help. We need to pick the brain of someone more experienced or see a situation from an outside perspective. When we are lost or confused, we often react by reaching out and asking those we trust for help. That's a wonderful thing. Here's the trouble...

Just as often as we need help, we also need those we love to "not help." How many times have you had an extremely frustrating day and called your mom, best friend, boyfriend, brother, wife, daughter etc.? And in those moments, when you feel shitty or tired or angry or sad, do you really want the person on the other end of the phone to start spewing advice, to give a lecture, or to be completely logical? I know I sure don't. I want that person to listen, not talk. I want that person to assure me that everything is going to be alright. I want them to tell me I'm justified in feeling the way I am feeling. More often than I'd like to admit, I simply want them to say, "I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I love you."

This doesn't mean that those giving advice are in the wrong. Obviously, when our friends or family are in distress, our natural instinct is to try to fix the problem for them. We want to jump in and do something or, at the very least, arm them with something so they can tackle the problem in the future. In that venture, though, we often unintentionally highlight their insecurities.

Let me give you an example of a situation that I have found myself in several times. A friend is complaining about her boyfriend to me. This boy has said something that really hurt my friend. This instantly makes me protective and angry. So I tell my friend, "You can't let him treat you like that. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel." In my head, this is a caring comment that shows I'm on her side. Right? But, now, not only is she upset about the treatment from her boyfriend; she's also insecure about her own actions. She might be thinking, "Am I letting people walk all over me?" or "Does Roxie think I'm weak?" This may cause her to shut down and not tell me the next time something happens because she doesn't want me to judge her. This may cause her to get defensive with me to defend herself. Either way, this well-meaning advice has compounded her problem.

 Instead, I should have listened and asked questions to show I was engaged in her feelings. I should have reflected those feelings back with responses like "I'm so sorry he made you feel that way" or "I can understand why you would be angry."

A friend recently told me, "No one should ever tell you how you 'should feel' about something. Everyone has the right to feel in their own way." That seems like solid, obvious advice, but after he said it, I remember thinking of all the times I have been told "You should be happy that..." or "It's not the end of the world." People, while trying to calm me down or make me feel better, were dismissing my anxiety as something trivial, when I was seeking validation for emotions that were very upsetting to me.

All of this is not to say we should never give advice. Recently, though, I have made a goal for myself to listen to cues to understand if the people in my life are seeking advice or support. Phrases like "What do you think?" or "Do you think I should..." or "I'm not sure what to do" are all big, flashing signs that you definitely should offer some suggestions. In those moments, just saying "I believe in you" are not remotely helpful.  But, if someone is venting or just telling me how they feel about a situation, I try not to interject.

Your emotions are legitimate. I'm listening. 

Growing Up in Small Town Nebraska...

I saw a post on Facebook recently about what it means to grow up in the "Midwest." I hate the term Midwest because it seems that everyone thinks they are part of it and it includes too many people to have a distinctive culture. While the article talked about saying "ope" and making casseroles, that is not the "Midwest" I grew up in. There were, however, many distinctive things about how I grew up that did relate to the article and I have made up some of my own.

Growing up in small town Nebraska....

-I spent Saturday afternoons singing along to the "Save Big Money at Menards" jingle while trying our every chair or swing in the patio furniture section while my parents collected their latest home improvement supplies.

-I would pull out a pound of beef from the deep freeze when I came home from school to thaw it out because 9/10 of our "suppers" required hamburger.

-I was more likely to see a deer (or three) than another car on the way home from a friend's house in the evening.

-Driving over two hours to Lincoln or Omaha felt like a "vacation" even though we just ate at someplace like Olive Garden and shopped at a bigger mall.

-I gave all directions in terms of time or landmarks instead of miles or street names: "It's the second turn after the red barn" or "I'd say it's about an hour away".

-I knew what every school gym looked like within a 100 radius because I'd seen at least two basketball games in any given one. I'd even critique them. "Let's bring our own food because their concession stand sucks." or "I like the purple bleachers at that school" or even better, "I hope they have walking tacos like last time!"

-When my grandma called to get a "treat", I knew we were going to the one ice cream place in town, "visiting" with everyone that happened to be there for an hour,  and then delivering chocolate malts to the guys at the farm.

-I participated in some epic block-wide hide-and-seek or sardines games, in which we traipsed through every yard. We knew everyone on the block anyway (and I was related to quite a few of them!)

-I went trick-or-treating most years wearing layers or clothes under my costume.

-I still can't go through more than 2 days without having a conversation about the weather...and after it rains, I definitely want to go out and look at my rain gauge to see "what we got."

-I had to drive to a different town to do my driver's education test because we don't have stoplights or four lane roads.

The Sandcastle

A girl kneels in the sand. Her pupils are dilated in concentration. She breathes in and out heavily in time with the waves. The wind whips her dark hair around wildly. Her hands tremble as she smooths the side of sand castle in front of her. With this latest modification, she shifts her weight back and her toes squish into the wet sand. Her head tilts slightly to the side and she begins to chew on her bottom lip. Whether her lips are red due to the nervous chewing or hours in the sun or a recent indulgence in a cherry popsicle is unclear. What is clear is how much this matters to her. She is the creator. She is in control. This is her world.

This world of hers is fragile, though. Her castle has been kicked down by giggling children. It has been ridiculed and judged by beach-goers and altered greatly by friends "just trying to help." Even the girl herself has destroyed her creation again and again in bursts of frustration or despair. She thinks, now, she is getting closer to success. She has found an isolated cove. Her castle is uniquely hers. She has worked so hard with no help. Hard work pays off, right? But, in her desperate focus, she hasn't noticed the waves creeping closer and closer. With a sudden roar, the water collides with the castle and steals a large chunk of it away without even a simple apology. The girl scrambles over to the washed-away corner, throwing her small body between her castle and the great, big ocean. Another wave attacks her body, its roar sounding like a mocking laugh. Her raw lips sting with the combined salt of the water and her tears.

"I told you that you should have built it up here," her father's voice calls out from up the beach. "Making things difficult for yourself. You should have let your mom help." The girl glances up to meet her mother's eyes. The sadness that rests in those blue eyes rocks her like another wave. The girl wonders if she is more disappointed in her daughter's failure or in the distance between them. Looking away, the girl pushes the wet hair out of her face and sets back to work, piling the sand back up.

"Did that big wave just get your castle?" A voice says behind her.

The girl jumps, startled by the intrusion. She turns to see a boy in orange swim trunks. He is holding a metal pail and studying the pile of sand in front of her with interest.

"I don't need your help," she states, resolutely.

"Okay," he replies. He continues to stare. "What are you building?"

The girl stands up and turns toward him. She is ready to get defensive, to protect what is hers, but words won't come to her lips. She feels the stiffness in her legs and the rawness of her lips. Her vision is hazy. She looks back at her castle and suddenly can't remember why she started it. The grip of determination releases her and she feels unsteady.

"I don't know what I'm building." The sun catches her brown eyes. The boy can see panic in them.

"I think that's the hardest part," he says, "deciding what to build."

The girl swallows, trying to hold back more tears, "What are you building then?"

"Me? Nothing yet. I'm just collecting things."

He holds out the pail to the girl and she sees that is seems to be filled with an assortment of rocks and shells and sticks.

"I'm going to build something really, really amazing someday. It's going to be huge!" the boy talks quickly with excitement, "but I've got to collect all the parts first. It's even gonna have clock tower."

The boy digs through the metal pail and pulls an old, broken watch from the bottom to show the girl. He continues talking, "I'm going to make a sidewalk and a moat and 5 towers. And I'm watching for all the good places with the best sand too."

The joy in the boy's description makes the girl forget her tears. She grabs her own plastic pail and shovel from near the remains of her castle. She starts walking in the direction of her parents and the boy follows. "Maybe I'll start collecting too," she says, "My mom is really good at finding the best seashells. First, tell me...why 5 towers? Why not 10?"

Are You a Flower or a Weed?

I have found that in so many professional development classes or meetings since I became a teacher, we have compared teaching to gardening. We talk about putting our students in the right environment so they have the sunshine and soil they need and how we must water them in order to make them grow. The problem with this metaphor is I am not a gardener. I couldn't tell you the difference between a daisy and a daffodil. I have killed every house plant I owned. Given a garden to tend, I'd most likely either drown all the plants or let them all shrivel up and die. I suppose the comparison does work, then, since in both gardening and teaching, I spend most of my time winging it, but it was never my favorite way to think about teaching.

Recently, though, I was reading a book called The Trouble with Goats and Sheep by Joanna Cannon. In one scene of the story, the two young girls are helping a neighbor by pulling weeds in his garden. At one point, one girl comes across something in the garden and she isn't sure if it's a weed or something meant to be in the garden. When she asks the gardener what it is, he says, "It depends very much on whose point of view it is. What's a weed to one person might be a beautiful flower to another. It depends very much on where they're growing and whose eyes it is you're seeing them through."

I have often felt like a weed in my life. People have made me feel unwanted or annoying. I have often been overlooked. On the flip side, friends, family members, and teachers have also made me feel special and beautiful and worth having around, like a flower. It wasn't because I changed and became something else. A flower is a matter of perspective. As a child, I used to love blowing the seeds of dandelions across the yard. I had no idea that spread something that others didn't like. They had this magical quality to me. Did you know "weeds" are often hardier than traditional flowers and end up providing food that helps bees survive when the weather gets bad?

I may not be a gardener. I may not teach lessons at school that provide the right amount of water for growth. I honestly usually have no idea what each flower in my classroom needs. What I do hope is that I provide the right place for them to all be flowers. No matter how much they disrupt a class or fight me or refuse to work, I hope that a student never feels like they don't belong or that I want to pull them out.

Poet Ian Emberson once said that "A weed is a flower in the wrong place." This isn't just a lesson for teachers or kids. This is something I believe affects every single person in the world. If you are feeling like a weed, you may be in the wrong place. Find gardeners (friends, coworkers, significant others) that see your unique beauty. Find an environment where you feel wanted. There are a lot of gardens out there. If you haven't found yours yet, keep searching.

Resolutions for a Happier 2019

Each year, I try to make resolutions for myself. That is what new years are for, right? The problem is mine have become so predictable. I always want to be healthier and have some new calorie counting plan or exercise routine that I won't follow through with. I always want to be more social and tell myself I can alter my personality to meet more people and then am disappointed when I can't. I usually want to be more organized, whether by cleaning more or planning financially or doing lesson plans ahead of time but life isn't organized and I end up riding the chaos.

So...this year, instead of creating the same healthy, social, organized plans I always do, I want to change gears. This year, I just want to work on being content with who I am rather than discouraged about who I am not.

Instead of worrying about the healthiest options...

• I will take more time to eat and enjoy the food in front of me.
• I will cook and bake more often because I LOVE doing that. 
• I will do lots of activities I love like hiking and swimming.
• I will worry more about how I physically feel than the number on any app.

Instead of beating myself up for not being outgoing enough...

• I will respond more naturally, telling people how I feel (good or bad) rather than what I think they want to hear.
• I will laugh without holding back (even if my laugh is too loud). 
• I will join any activity that sounds enjoyable, but not hate myself for saying "no" when it doesn't.

Instead of being so hard on myself for lacking organization....

• I will do my best work until the end of the school day and say "That is good enough", instead of staying hours after the final bell to be better.
• I will take a deep breath every time I lose something or forget something or pay too much for something and say, "This doesn't make me a bad person. What is my next step?" instead of getting down on myself.
• I will clean and organize small spaces whenever I can to feel better, but also not prioritize fixing messes over sleep.