I've always been somewhat opposed to online dating. This is not because I don't think it works. I know it does. Many of my friends met their significant others this way and they have wonderful relationships. What I dislike is the importance of appearance in connection. I hate how I feel when making quick judgements about other people. But most of all, I feel like an imposter in a world full of those who know exactly what they are looking for. I remember during my first year of teaching, I had a coworker that constantly asked me if I was dating someone. I told her that I didn't want to date because I wasn't sure what I was looking for. "Exactly why you have to date. You have to figure out what you are looking for."
I've downloaded all the dating apps. The first question is always "What are you looking for?" I tried to make a blanket statement about being open to meeting people, but then guys would message me and ask me the same question. I'd make up some vague answer and guys lost interest immediately. The truth is all I was really "looking for" was approval from others. I wanted to be able to respond to the constant inquiries from friends and co-workers and family members. I felt like some kind of effort was expected of me. But I was never the little girl who planned out a wedding growing up. I do not have any aspiration to have children. Instead of sounding like a dream, the idea of sharing my home with another person sounds suffocating.
So, a few years ago, I deleted all my profiles filled with false platitudes and masks over who I am. I started focusing on what I need to feel successful or relaxed or joyful instead of what others wanted for me. I traded fakey text chains with strangers for conversations with myself. As Miley Cyrus says in her latest single, I can "talk to myself for hours...say things you don't understand." But as soon as a friend or co-worker asks about my dating life, I still react instinctually and make up an excuse or flat out lie. It's like I'm apologizing for not wanting the same things as them instead of accepting we have different life goals.
I've spent a lot of time trying to make excuses for my lack of desire for the things everyone around me wants. I've spent WAY too much of my entire life working to be complacent and helpful because I thought I needed to fit in. But being needed or being liked are not the same thing as being understood. So, what am I looking for? I'm looking for:
No comments:
Post a Comment