When I was a teacher, I had people tell me all the time that kids today are so "spoiled." Yes, kids were, and are, out of control sometimes at school. For me, though, almost all of my students who acted out weren't spoiled. They were neglected. They were screaming (sometimes literally) for attention.
When I first started teaching I was always trying to impose some sort of discipline. I thought that was how you got kids to behave. You had to take away a privilege or sent them to detention, right? This was NOT working. Kids continued their bad behavior and sometimes got worse, resenting me for embarrassing them in front of peers or not listening to them. I blamed the "out of control" kids for quite a while.
In my second year of teaching, I remember one student very vividly. He was defiant and aggressive and rude every single day. He was the first student I ever yelled at. And I really lost it with him. I regret it to this day. Then one day, I happened to go down to the gym after school and watched his basketball game. Afterwards, I told him how impressed I was by him. He actually smiled. "You came to watch me?" he asked. Truthfully, I had no idea he was on the team before I walked into the gym that day, but I nodded and smiled back. The next day in class? He didn't argue. He didn't talk back. I was stunned. I later learned that his parents had never come to see him play. Of course, this wasn't a cure-all solution. He continued to act out, but each time, I would make a comment about being disappointed in his work or his behavior and I could tell he didn't like disappointing me.
I remember being the same way with my parents and teachers. If you showed you cared for me, I didn't want to disappoint you. I wasn't motivated to do well in school because I was disciplined for getting a bad grade. I don't remember my parents ever being angry about a grade I got. I do remember my mom asking almost every day how I did in school that day. I remember her hanging assignments from the fridge. I remember her offering to help with homework. I was motivated because I knew she cared.
On the other hand, I remember one teacher who lectured me in class for not paying attention. He called me "irresponsible" in front of my peers. I never tried in that class ever again. I'd say most of my teachers would call me a good student, but I truly was bad in his class. He didn't realize that the day he lectured me, I was being bullied by a classmate. The intention of his "discipline" was to make me rethink my actions and be better, but instead it signaled to me that he didn't care about me so I no longer cared about his class. I thought about that encounter a lot after I did the exact same thing without considering why students might be acting out.
Of course, I never perfected the right way to respond to unwanted behavior with my students. Shortly before I quit, I sent a student to the principal and he screamed at me that I was the "worst teacher ever" before slamming the door. A little harsh, but a decent call-out for a day when I had little patience and didn't follow my own beliefs about student interactions at all. I don't think any teacher (or parent) ever gets it right all the time.
As someone who is no longer a teacher and does not plan to be a parent, it's probably strange that I'm so invested in this topic. But honestly, this reaches far beyond interactions with children. Just this week, I had a coworker call me crying. A manager had reprimanded her for a mistake. The manager hadn't called and asked for my coworkers side of the story. She hadn't made a plan to work together to fix the problem. She, like so many other managers/parents/bosses/teachers, was trying to be "tough." She was most likely trying to command respect, but instead communicated she cared more about the perception of our team than this person. And now this very good employee might leave.
Almost all of my friends and family members have the same complaint about work: "they don't care about me at all." Almost every complaint I hear about marriage/relationships stems of a perceived lack of caring. So, if you interact with people at any capacity at all, maybe think less about being right or being perfect and more about recognizing the efforts of those around you. I've honestly never known anyone that responds well to being "disciplined." We might behave better out of fear (of being hurt, of losing our job, etc.) but I truly believe we all, adults and kids alike, want to know that we are appreciated; that people care about the work we are doing. For those who care about us, we are willing to listen and willing to change.
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