Sitting on Empty

 There are 131 emails in my inbox; 

Greeting me in bold print as I open my eyes, 

Settling like cement around my limbs, my skull. 

I must get up, must fight the concrete of dread.

But I hit snooze for the 5th time instead.

There are 162 emails in my inbox. 

Ten minutes of sleep like a piece of Scotch tape.

The flood is still coming. 

Today, I will hold my head above water

And wonder if anything I do will even matter.

There are 145 emails in my inbox. 

But you wouldn't notice the problems I've solved

While combing my hair and brushing my teeth.

The passenger seat greets me with a paper pile,

To grade; To sign; To drop off; to file.

I don't look at the emails in my inbox. 

"What are we doing today, Ms. Siel?"

19 sets of eyes stare back at my swollen ones.

I take a breath and I put on a show.

We read and write and play and grow.

There are 183 emails in my inbox.

I grab more caffeine, the third trip this week.

I sit at my desk and I begin to respond.

"I'll come to your room. What was the date?"

Heap more meetings onto my plate.

There's 144 emails in my inbox. 

But I'm all out of time. The hour went fast.

I rush to my car and I drive to the next school.

I present the data I prepared late last night.

"Scores are low...how can I help make this right?"

There's 165 emails in my inbox. 

It's lunch time, but I too stressed to eat.

Because if I'm not prepared for every second,

my 30 middle school students will eat me alive.

So I start to plan as I take another drive.

There's 178 emails in my inbox.

Printed the worksheets. Prepared the projector.

The kids pile in and 2 hours of questions begin.

"Can I use the bathroom?" "Change my seat?"

"How do you spell...?" "What does this mean?"

I don't open my inbox. 

I don't want to see the deadlines I'm missing.

I can't respond, "What can I do to help?"

Because, frankly, there's no help left in me.

Both my car and I are sitting on empty.

TikTok, Don't Stop

2020 and 2021 have not been years full of positives. But if anything good came out of the year for me, it was TikTok. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right now. You think it's full of teens dancing silly dances or challenges that involve stealing property from schools. Those things are true. But this app is truly what you make it, and I have designed my feed to be a real source of learning and connection. I truly believe it is what social media was designed to be and other haven't gotten it right. Let me show you.

Facebook is generally filled with people you already know and Instagram might be filled with celebrities and influencers. TikTok though...it lets you meet people like you. 

These two ladies below are middle school teachers. The first lady helps me remember why I teach. I listen to her stories about her own classroom or about conversations with other teachers and I just feel better. She never has perfect organization or a Pinterest-worthy classroom, but I see her as a huge role model. And through the comments, I've actually done problem solving with her and other teachers about classroom issues. The 2nd is a reader like me. After school, she posts about the books she is reading or her students are reading and we often have the exact same opinions on books and it brings me joy. 

                    

I also see people who look like me. I don't follow models or actors or singers. These two wear the exact size of clothes as me and try on different styles to show how'd they look. They are fun and entertaining, but also so normal. I've talked to both of them, asking them about clothes and I can finally talk about fashion that I love without fitting in a Size 2. 

                            

On the other hand, I get to follow people with jobs SO different from mine and it is amazing! I follow a guy who raises tortoises in Arizona, a prop master for television shows in Texas, a professional artist from New Zealand, and a guy who cleans pools in New Orleans. I have learned so much from these guys and am fascinated every day. 

Not only do these people across the world fascinate me, they also inspire me. The pool guy above? He lost his job and has recently made this pool business really flourish. Celina (the 1st girl below) has written several books, started a makeup line, and is one of the most popular content-creators on TikTok. Before last year, she talks openly about being suicidal. The 2nd lady gets hate on a regular basis about her religion and culture, but now has over 3 million people laughing along with her every day. Sarah was lost and didn't know what to do with her life until she made a silly rap video on TikTok and now is pursuing a music career. Jax now has songs on the radio after years of struggling to make it in LA. Kristen had to quit a job she liked because she couldn't afford daycare and TikTok gives her a sense of purpose every day. Emily chose to quit a job at an interior design firm that she didn't love and now does her own renovations with her boyfriend and shares all her design ideas with the world.

 

Speaking of couples, I was pretty disenchanted by relationships as a whole, but some TikTok couples just make me smile. 

                                           

And some of them just make me belly laugh. (Do you notice all my favorite comedians are women?--not typical on any other platform). 

  

Some are real professionals. I follow doctors and nurses and lawyers and dieticians and physical therapists that give real practical advice from their homes or cars without making me feel judged and seeming superior. 

 

In short, TikTok is really a place of connection to people all over the world. Want to learn about board games? It's on TikTok? Thinking of becoming an oceanographer? Watch one in action. Chat with them here. Want to share your art or talents, or even just your thoughts? You can do that on TikTok. So, thanks TikTok. I really need you this year. 

To My Amazing Friends

 I often say, "I don't make friends easily." Or "I'm not social." And those things are true. By some amazing luck, though, despite my awkward, introverted ways, I somehow have collected this incredible group of people that I get to call friends. Not a week goes by that I don't feel thankful for my friends. I try to tell them often how much they mean to me, especially since I lost two of my best friends much too soon and my biggest regret is always that I didn't express how much they made me feel safe and loved and seen before it was too late. However, I think sometimes it's good to have your feelings in print. 

So, this is an ode to some friends.

Thomas....you were one of my first friends. When others bullied me or made me feel weird, you never did. You made the "unpopular" table feel like the best place to be. You gave me a home in every playground or classroom. Most people in my life aren't physically affectionate, so your bear hugs are one of my favorite things in the world. 

Ashley...thanks for always taking me along for your adventures. You never took no for an answer and still have this wonderful sense of leadership that I admire. I love watching you and your family grow. 

Hillary...girl I would be lost without you! You picked me up when I felt at my lowest and brought me into this bright and beautiful world of yours. When I think of college, I think of you.. You love so easily and never let me undervalue myself. Your energy is contagious and it makes my life better each and every day.

Sarah...I am so glad that we decided to room together. I always loved coming home and telling you about my day. Thank you for always listening to my stories and letting me be my weird self. You have the biggest heart and also aren't afraid to call me on my bullshit sometimes.

Bailey...I can't imagine anyone in the whole world not loving you. You exude this peace and kindness that always makes me feel loved and important. Plus, you have a bomb taste in music and books. I'm inspired by you as a fellow educator (I know your a speech-path, but that's a educator to me) and human being.

Skye...I love your honesty and work ethic. You always push me to be better. I also have so much fun with you, whether it's playing games or drinking wine, or just chatting over Marco Polo. I know I can always count on you to be there if I need you.

Kristi...Whenever I'm working through a problem and I send a video to the group about it, I'm waiting on your response because you are the problem solver I wish I was. Your passion for your job makes me so happy and I absolutely love how you are always willing to see things from another point of view before making a judgment. 

Will...When I was finishing my Master's thesis and was having a complete meltdown, you took time to text me all weekend to tell me how amazing I was doing and how everything was going to be worth it. You validated my feelings and truly got me through. You've pushed me ever since with words of encouragement or even a phone call to talk things through when I'm confused. 

And I can't forget my work friends. Thanks to Heidi and Christine for making me feel like a part of a work environment for the first time. Thanks to Patti and Elizabeth for giving me the confidence to try new things. Thanks to Karen for forcing me out of my desk last year to take breaks and to Melissa for calling me after work so we can debrief from our stressful days. 

I have the best friends.