I'm Not Guilty of Any Crime

Today at work, I was working at a table working alone and I looked up and saw someone across the room. I hurriedly pulled up my mask, which was dangling around my chin. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I spent the next hour of work feeling guilty. This is not a unique story. Just this week, I have admonished myself in the following ways:

The kitchen is a mess. Why can't I just get it together?

I forgot to ask about her sick mother. I am so selfish.

I lost my phone again. What is wrong with me?

I ate way too much. This is why I look so awful.

I was the last one to walk into the meeting. I look so unprofessional.

The truth is that today I was at least 10 feet away from that coworker when I took off my mask. I was late for no meetings. I hurt no one. I had not broken a single rule. No one reprimanded me. When it comes to myself, I play the role of prosecution, but never the defense. I'm guilty when I say the wrong thing or talk too much. I'm also guilty when I don't speak up or don't reach out. I don't have to provide proof. Even when I defend my actions to others, I've already convicted myself. Consequently, I don't sleep.

This is not to say I think I'm a bad person. I think I'm smart and hard-working. I'm caring and helpful. I just find it hard to forgive myself for any mistake. And I make a lot of them.

Like usual with these posts, I don't have any answers. One thing I do that I am proud of, though, is I always try to improve. So tonight, I looked into what I could do. The following are some tips I learned after reading several psychology magazine articles. I thought I'd share on here in case they empower anyone else with similar excessive guilt and I might just need to come back to this blog again...and again.

1. Pay attention to your accomplishments. I already practice gratitude and naming things I am thankful for each day, which helps me stay positive, but ending the day by naming something you accomplished incites a sense of "self-gratitude" rather than self-judgment.

2. Imagine if roles were reversed. A lot of my guilt stems from what I believe others think of me. If I take the same situation and imagine how I would feel if my coworker or friend or family member did the same thing, it is likely I would be much, much more understanding. I need to treat myself as I treat others.

3. Realize it's okay to take care of your own needs. This year, I've been doing workouts on an app called FitOn (it's free and I highly recommend it by the way). One of the reasons I like it so much is that almost every coach on the app reiterates this sentiment: You know yourself better than anyone else so do what's best for you. They tell me to stop if I need to. They say to modify workouts if I need to. They tell me I can fall down in yoga and I shouldn't feel ashamed. Some of the most guilt-driven moments in my life have centered around exercise. I was guilty when I let down my PE or recess team because I was bad at every sport. I was guilty when my parents would come to softball or volleyball games and I wouldn't get to play. I was guilty every time I broke something due to my awful coordination. I was guilty when I couldn't keep up in Zumba/Barre/HIIT classes. With FitOn, I finally feel like the exercise is "me time" and isn't affecting anyone else at all. I want to think more about how I can serve my own needs without worrying about the needs of others (and also without feeling selfish). This one might take a lifetime, but life is just a work in progress.

I Don't Just Love You When It's Easy

Whenever I take my cat, Bowser, to visit my parents, in a house with two bigger dogs, he acts erratically. Sometimes he's jumpy, every movement scaring him. Oftentimes, he retreats, hiding for hours. In the middle of petting him, he will suddenly hiss or swat me. I feel like I'm constantly defending him. "I swear he's not always like this." And he isn't. As soon as we return home, he becomes he usual adventurous, "chatty" self. But in an unpredictable setting, he becomes unpredictable.

I write this, not to tell you a story about my cat, but because I think we are all in that house right now. We're in foreign territory. Instead of dogs, we have the looming threat of Covid-19 and social unrest and an upcoming election. Our routines have been disrupted and I think, for many of us, that changes our personalities because we are trying to cope.  I, like my cat, have "hissed" and been defensive around people that weren't trying to harm me. I have retreated at times and been angry at other times. I have seen many others on social media or on the news acting the same way. The world is chaotic. Our actions become chaotic.

Today, a family member of one of my students reached out to me. She wanted to thank me for helping her younger sister out "even when she was acting out." I wanted to tell her that I enjoyed having that student not "in spite" of her episodes of anger and sadness, but right through those moments. Of course I loved when she was working hard and cooperating, but I loved her just as much when she was yelling. When she stomped out of the room and I let her keep stomping until she was calmer. When she sat on the floor and cried and I sat next to her until she was ready to rejoin class. I knew that she was in that unfamiliar house. Middle school may not have big dogs, but it has bullies. It has first-loves. It has new friends and new teachers and new content. The threats are endless. Her environment was erratic. She acted erratically.

I hope my friends, my family, and my students don't ever feel too bad for lashing out or saying things they don't mean. I don't love them only when it is "easy" or only when we agree. That's not what caring for someone means. And, if I can believe that, I need to stop apologizing so much for my own missteps. Those that really care know my heart and won't throw me away when things aren't easy. We all act in ways we don't want to act sometimes. As much as we hope to be in control of our every word and action, we make mistakes. That's life. That's adjusting to a world that is always changing. And that is okay.