Resumé Virtues vs. Eulogy Virtues

On the first week of school, I opened up a question forum for my students. I said, ask any question you want about me or this class or school or anything. That night, as I read through everything from "What's your favorite color?" to "Will we ever have homework?", I stumbled upon a very different question. The question was, "What do you value most in other people?" I have no idea where such a question came from. I don't know if the student Googled "interesting questions" or heard this in another class or even who asked it (the survey was anonymous), but it made me stop and really think. Wow. What do I value the most?

I am currently reading a book called The Road to Character by David Brooks. I am only about half-way through and have mixed thoughts about it as a whole, but the intro definitely hooked me. Basically, the author says there are two different types of virtues: those that you want to present on a resumé and those someone would present in your eulogy. The first kind bring you external success. They tend to be valued in our everyday lives the most. I tell myself that I have these all the time. We are taught to look for these in ourselves so that we can get a job. The entire interview process is picking out the best of these virtues. I am a problem solver and I am hard-working and I am a good communicator.

But will anyone say any of these things at my funeral?

Probably not. Because no matter how much they matter to my everyday life, they aren't lingering virtues. No one cares how well I communicated after I am gone. What people really value are traits like kindness and bravery and honesty and patience. Those are the things that build meaningful relationships. Those are the things the make us who we are on a much deeper level.

I know for sure I value these eulogy virtues in others. As an example, I once had a coworker at a previous job that was my absolute favorite to work with. She came in with a smile and always asked how you were. You genuinely felt she cared about your response. She was kind to absolutely everyone regardless of their attitude that day and made everyone feel like her friend. And you know what? She was awful at her job. She was constantly playing games on her phone during work. She was spacy and forgot to do things. As a boss, I probably wouldn't hire her, but as a human being, I don't think I will ever forget her genuine compassion.

So what was my answer to the student's question? I came back to school the next morning without a clear answer, but I was thinking about that former coworker of mine. When I got to that period, I realized I had trouble picking something because in every category I chose, I felt like I personally fell short. I really had to confront my own weaknesses. So I told my students the truth, "I loved that question. I have to tell you, I can't really decide. I value effort. But I don't always work as hard as I should. I value education and intelligence, but I still have a lot to learn. And I really value kindness. But sometimes I'm not very kind. I think what is most important is that we just try to be better every day. Not just better at reading, but better as people."

I still am not convinced this was the right answer, but I didn't want to ignore the question altogether either. I do know I have been thinking about how awfully self-centered I usually am and how I need to consider the effort I am putting into relationships and compassion I am presenting to others. I'm hoping I can stop focusing on being the best teacher or student and just try to be a better person.

You Are What You Say You Are

When I was in driver's education when I was fifteen, I remember after a test drive my instructor asked me "Do you think you did a good job?"

I put my head down and mumbled, "Not really."

I'm not sure why I said that. I hadn't made any major mistakes and had followed all of his directions. I was just sure he was going to give me negative feedback so I wanted to agree.

He was silent for several seconds until I looked up at him. Then he said, "And that's exactly your problem. You were so nervous about messing up that you were not driving smoothly and actually prone to make more mistakes because you lacked confidence. You are what you say you are. So, tell yourself you're a good driver. Or at least that you are going to be a good driver."

Now, anyone that has rode in a car with me will tell you this advice did not make me a better driver. But it did stick with me. There have been several moments in my life when I'm freaking out about something and I stop and tell myself, "No, I am not failing. I am letting nerves get in the way of my success. Be confident. I am good at _______."

Sometimes it really works. If I tell myself enough times that I am a good cook or a good writer or a good speaker or a good listener, I tend to actually improve on those things. Confidence is motivating.

I really noticed the difference confidence can make this week. This is my third year of teaching Reading and I have become comfortable and confident in how to teach these kids this curriculum in this classroom setting. This year, though, I added a reading course in a different classroom across the school. Same curriculum, but different classroom set-up and procedures and a transition to and from a new place. Every day this week, my classes went smooth all day except for this class. It had nothing to do with the students or technology or any outside variable. It all had to do with my self-confidence.

I didn't feel like a "good teacher" in this unfamiliar setting and therefore the lessons were jumbled, the materials misplaced, my feedback often unhelpful. They were the SAME lessons I did in my classroom across the building, but every day just this one class you could tell I was nervous, which made me a worse teacher. So I keep telling myself this weekend, "You are good at this. You can teach this stuff anywhere. Make this new place yours. Teach these kids like you know you can." Hopefully it helps (at least a bit more than it helped my dismal driving skills.)  

Working Nights

School starts next week and today marked the beginning of staff meetings, lesson planning, and laying out a classroom. Last night marked the first night shift. No, I wasn't at the school last night, but at 2:00 am, my brain was definitely on the clock. Already, I was considering how best to accommodate a student with a disability that I haven't even met yet. Already, I was considering who I should pair up as table partners and what supplies I still need. I was brainstorming first-week activities and what topics/articles I should use to teach each strategy. By 2:30, I knew I had to just give in, sit up, and open my computer to jot down notes. I wrote an agenda for a meeting today as well as personal to-do list before I could relax enough to fall asleep.

And tonight, I'll probably reflect on exactly what I did or didn't get done/do well today. The cycle repeats. A teacher's job is never done. Honestly, the next few weeks should be a breeze. I have completed my two awful summer grad classes. I am done working at Haymarket Park for the season. I have more resources than I ever have going into a school year. I'm not doing the after-school program anymore. Teaching, however, always affects me like this, no matter how "caught up" I am. It isn't a part-time job in which I forget the whole process and the customers as soon as I walk out. It isn't a class that has a final grade. It is a process that is always changing based on your students and curriculum and the learning you do as a teacher. Even when a day at school goes well, I know it could have gone better.  I know that I should find ways to relax and should stop thinking so much. But I also know that just isn't going to happen. As long as I'm a teacher, I'll be pulling night shifts. However, I am confident that the thought and care I put in does matter to my kids, so I guess the long hours are worth it.