Worrrying About Yourself

This video came out four years ago, but it never fails to make me laugh. I actually showed it to my students on the first day of school this year to teach the lesson that they should each worry about their own behavior and their own work and not those of others in the classroom.

It turns out I wasn't very good at taking my own (or this little girl's) advice. I very rarely worry solely about myself. Instead, I'm always paying attention to the actions and reactions or others. Always.

For example, this is why I absolutely always am the designated driver whenever we go somewhere. Even when I know I can get an Uber and I know I have nothing to do the next day, I'm worrying about whether everyone is having a good time. I'm worrying about everyone being together. I'm worrying about how much someone has had to drink. Sometimes I'm actually worrying that I am not acting happy enough and am bringing my friends down. I spend so much time gauging the emotions of all of my friends that I often forget to enjoy myself. I watch them all night, smile to show them I really am having a good time, make sure everyone gets food and water in their bellies, and put everyone to bed.

The same thing goes when I'm hosting someone (Do they like what we are eating? Am I boring them? How should I entertain them?). Or when I'm at work (Am I letting them talk? Is she getting enough help?). I worry over texts (Am I bothering/smothering him? Is she upset that I haven't texted back?) I sometimes even sit and worry about my spoiled rotten cats and if they are getting enough attention or exercise or too much food.

Lots of my friends call me the "mother" of the group, making sure everyone is happy and taken care of. It seems ironic that I am the one that has never ever wanted kids. I think that this worrying is a big reason that contributes to that though. I spend an entire day worried about what people think and feel(sometimes even people I don't actually like), so I can't imagine the weight of worry you would have from your own child. I prefer to go home and try my best to worry about my own needs for a few hours.

I have been thinking about this lately because I really want to take a trip on my own somewhere this summer. It doesn't have to be far (although if I had the money I would definitely be going abroad), but it has to be just for me. I haven't decided exactly what that will look like yet, but as the little girl said, "You drive! Worry about yourself. Go!"

Movie Madness 2017

Once again, I spent the majority of my free time in February consuming Oscar-nominated movies. I went to theaters, watched online, and made many trips to the Redbox. I opened up my mind to new worlds and contemplated everything from the components of love to the reality of human error. I didn't make Oscar predictions. I have found that the Academy is of an entirely different mindset than I am. I did though list all of my favorites for every category below. I saw every movie in every category except the Foreign Language Film category. I had a hard time accessing two of those movies, one of which (The Salesman) is favored to win, so I do still plan on seeing that once I can find a digital copy on Amazon.

As a whole, I found this year's movies to be a little less enjoyable than last year's, but every year is different and I wasn't totally disappointed. I still immersed myself in some fabulous writing and acting and visuals. I would say that my biggest observations this year about the movies nominated were that:

1. Endings weren't very satisfying this year for me. I watched a lot of incredibly well-made movies and then the it ended and I didn't feel anything. I didn't take something big away. I'm not saying that I always need a happy ending, but I was left frustrated and somehow missing something on many movies including best picture nominees Manchester by the Sea, Arrival and La La Land.

2. They really liked string instruments this year. Classical violin was in so many movies that I felt like they became the soundtrack to my life. Whenever I was walking somewhere, I figured some dramatic strings needed to be playing. There was also an abundance of silence with no background music at all.

3. I realized for the second year in a row that I might actually be a documentary buff. When I think back on this month of movies, the documentaries I watch (full length and short) stand out in my mind. They showcased real events and emotions in the world and captured the human spirit unlike even the best acting can do. I feel like documentaries get a bad rap, but I really want to watch more of them in the future.

And, without further ado, my favorites in every category:

Best Picture-Hidden Figures

Actor-Casey Affleck (Manchester by the Sea)

Actress-Isabelle Huppert (Elle)

Supporting Actor-Mahershala Ali (Moonlight)

Supporting Actress-Naomie Harris (Moonlight)

Animated-Zootopia

Cinematography-La La Land

Costume-Jakie

Directing-La La Land

Documentary-O.J. Made in America

Short Documentary-Extremis

Film Editing-La La Land

Foreign Language-A Man Called Ove

Makeup & Hair-Suicide Squad

Song-How Far I’ll Go (Moana)

Original Score- Passengers

Production Design-Passengers

Short Animated-Borrowed Time

Short Live Action-Enemis Interieurs

Sound Editing-La La Land

Sound Mixing-13 Hours

Visual Effects-Doctor Strange

Adapted Screenplay-Moonlight

Original Screenplay-20^th Century Women

My Brain Needs a Reset Button

When your computer freezes or isn't working properly, we all know the solution is to turn it off and turn it back on again. I do the same thing for my printer or Apple TV or even my phone. So, why oh why can't I do the same thing for myself? My mind is on high alert from the moment I wake up worrying about the copies I need to make until night when I lay in bed thinking about a book I'm reading and a conversation I had with a student and a paper I'm writing for grad school and what I'm doing this summer (probably all of these thoughts in the span of a minute-I'm serious). I just want it to reboot for one lousy minute. I'd settle for 30 seconds.

Of course, you are probably thinking that is what sleep is for. And that is true. If I was actually sleeping. But according to my Fitbit, I have not had an hour of continuous restful sleep all week. So even in sleep, I can't fully reset. The worst part is, this wasn't even a bad week. Nothing terrible happened. I had some good days at school. And I really, really tried to decompress. I worked out every day. I went to two movies. I drove around and listened to music one night. I talked to family and friends.So I'm still on the search for a reset button. If anyone has suggestions, let me know.

Looking at the World Through a Different Prism

Fine actor Colin Firth once said, "When I'm really into a novel, I'm seeing the world differently during that time-not just for the hour or so in the day when I get to read. I'm actually walking around in a bit of a haze, spellbound by the book and looking through everything through a different prism." I think this really captures the way I feel about all stories. They tune the way I see the world. I think of things in a new perspective through each in every story I read or watch in a movie or on television. That's why I can't stop taking in stories. The world would be so dull otherwise.

I know I'm biased as a Reading teacher, but I honestly think stories are the most critical way we can improve society and ourselves as people. Reading about characters from different backgrounds and with different experiences builds empathy and understanding. Sometimes, stories just help us understand the facts about our present and past world. Before watching 13 Hours, the word "Benghazi" was just a political term thrown about and I didn't understand what happened and the people involved. Before I watched The Imitation Game, I was completely unaware of who Alan Tuning, a world hero, was. Watching The King's Speech acquainted me with a king I didn't know and Jackie brought a picture from history to life and made me think about who Jackie Kennedy might have really been as a first lady and a person.

Even when works are complete fiction, I feel as if the prescription of my glasses changes a bit. I ask myself more "what if" questions that most people. (Hopefully, Stephen King is right when he says all the best authors ask themselves "what if" questions every day until a story forms and I'll eventually write something meaningful.)What if I'm not seeing the entire world like in The Giver or Harry Potter or City of Bones? I continue to look for the unexplored. What if I didn't have the ability to choose my path in life like in The Lobster or Matched or Divergent? I continue to pay attention to my freedoms and my restrictions in order to fight for the best world I can live in.

I've read books about people with deformities and cancer and different sexual preferences and depression. I've read about the loss of family and friends. The loss of talents and bodily functions. I've read about adventures at sea an vacations across the U.S. and finding love in all kinds of circumstances. Some people say stories let you live many lives, but I don't agree. I did not live those lives. I can't possibly know how I'd really react in those situations. But I did hear their stories. And hearing others' stories is an incredibly powerful thing. Talk to someone from another walk of life, watch a new movie, read a new book. I promise, it will change everything.