When You Talk Too Much

For the first writing assignment for the year in my Writing and Grammar class, the students were assigned to write a paragraph about something they were good at with reasons to support this claim. Most students bragged that they were great soccer players, outstanding artists, or wonderful friends.  Then I got to a paper that started like this:

"I am really good at talking too much."

My first reaction was to think he did the assignment wrong. It was supposed to be positive. I continued to read. He explained how his mom constantly had to tell him to be quiet. He told how he raised in hand so that he could talk in every class. He even labeled himself the "speaker" for his younger brothers. While it wasn't necessarily a positive paragraph, it was a claim that he really believed was true and he had relevant evidence to back up his belief. He had been told his whole life he talked too much, and that had become a part of his identity. When asked to write about himself, this was his self-perception.

I ended up giving the student an A. His paragraph really struck a chord with me. How many times have I been told to be quiet by my parents? How many teachers told me to "give someone else a chance to talk"? How many times have I been excited and talked right over someone else? And I've definitely seen that glazed look in the eyes of all my friends at one point or another when I just forgot to quit. People in my life have always joked about it, but it always, always makes me feel terrible when someone brings attention to my talking.

Unfortunately for my friends and family, I can't stop talking. When something comes to mind, I just am dying to blurt it out immediately. So is this student. He talks and talks and talks. I realized reading his paragraph, that I had already lectured him a couple times about blurting out in class just in the very first  week. So, I took the next week to be purposeful about listening to him instead. While, at times, I knew he was just looking for a laugh from his peers, he also loved to contribute to what we were learning. He had all kinds of ideas and wanted to share them.

Today, I approached him. I said, "You know what? I talk a lot too." "Really?" he replied. "Yep. Everyone is always telling me that I talk too much. But sometimes it's good to tell your stories. I like to hear what you have to say. We talkers have to stick together."

I Like Me Better

There are people in our lives that we want to get to know more. They are interesting or funny or kind. We are attracted to their energy. Something much more rare and special, though, are those people who shine that energy back at us. Instead of just wanting to get to know them, we want them to get to know us. We open ourselves up without feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious. As the song goes, "I like me better when I'm with you." As Ross says in the episode of Friends that is coincidently on in front of me right now, "I love the person I am when I'm with you." We all deserve people like that; that not only make us feel important and beautiful and interesting, but whose presence actually pushes us to be better people. 

Finding these people is hard. I make it even more difficult for myself. I fall into category #1. I love lots of people. I want to get to know lots of people. I want to help people and do things with these people. But I always assume they wouldn't want to know me. I assume they are annoyed or irritated by my presence. To be fair, many, many people have been annoyed by me in my life. I can be overbearing and very loud. However, the sigh my sister responded with might have nothing to do with me, but with her stressful day. The lack of communication with a good friend may have more to do with her busy schedule than her feelings about me. 

This is starting to sound like a blog where I tell you I should be more positive and presume good intentions and open myself up, huh? That would follow the typical pattern of my posts. Here's the truth, though. I can't do that. I can try. I could tell myself to not take things to heart and be confident in myself. I could tell myself that every hour of every day. I still wouldn't. I would still feel like I was falling short. Here's the good news. I'm lucky enough to be a teacher of middle school students. And even though that is a dreaded age group for most, with those kids, I never have to guess feelings. 😂They will tell me when they hate me and tell me when they love me. They'll tell me when I'm being "lame" and when my dress looks pretty. And, when I'm teaching, I feel in my element. It is when I'm the most confident and least worried. In fact...I like me better when I'm with them.

6 more days until the first day of school!

Goals for A New Year

Tomorrow marks the first day for me as a teacher here in Arizona. While it will only be trainings all week, which will most likely be boring, I am so excited to get started. For those of you who don't know, I am teaching something completely new this year: English Language Development. I have worked with many students in my past four years of teaching that spoke another home language, but never before have I been given the task of specifically helping them develop their English language. I know my teaching practices as a reading teacher will serve me well in this new venture, but it is a new state with new standards and test, a new school with different expectations and procedures, and a very different demographic of students. While in some ways that is daunting, it is also incredibly exciting. I really can't wait. To mark this powerful new moment in my life, I , as always, made a list. There will be a learning curve. I won't get a lot right. I want my expectations to be realistic. This is what I want from this year:

1. I will learn something every day. Even if it is what doesn't work with a group of students or something new about a single student. If I walk home knowing something I didn't know coming into the day, I have accomplished something.

2. I will share my love of reading...and writing...and speaking. I may not be a reading teacher anymore, but I can't think of a better way to learn English than by reading. I learn new words all the time when reading books. I know not all of my kids will love reading like I do. In fact, it will be an incredibly frustrating enterprise for many of them. I think attitude goes a long way. If I am just honest about my love for all of these things, students may see potential for the same love with practice.

3.I will have an organization system. While many amazing teachers are very disorganized, I learned in the past few years how less stressful a school year can be if you do the work of really thinking things through up-front.

3. I will give students the opportunity and the encouragement to participate. I think this is incredibly important when learning a language. I know Spanish in theory fairly well, but I am not fluent because I never actually talk to people in that language. When I am given the opportunity, I always feel as if everyone is judging what I say. So, it is my goal to make sure the environment is safe and encouraging for everyone to talk without judgement.

4. I will be open to feedback. I think one of the best ways to get better is to ask others with more experience. As I learned early on from speech competitions, it is difficult to take negative feedback, but if we utilize the criticism and understand it is not a personal attack, we can get better. I also think it's important to ask students how they feel things are going. I don't have to take all advice, but I need to listen to all of it.

I am so excited to start this new adventure and will keep you all up to date on the things I learn along the way!

Taking Up Space

A few days ago, I was lying on the couch, my body stretched up so I took up the entire length of it. I was so relaxed. Then, my sister walked into the living room and I immediately sat up. "Sorry," I said; an automatic reaction. She wrinkled her forehead and asked, "Sorry for what? Existing?" I replied, "No, taking up space."

Obviously I meant I was sorry for taking up the entire couch. Practically, I was just trying to be polite, but as I said it, I thought, "Damn, she's right. Taking up space IS existing. I just apologized for existing."

I continued to think for the rest of the evening about how I often I do just that. I mean, how often do you say, "I'm sorry to bother you"? I say it A LOT. Even when I'm just talking about important work-related things to a coworker, which shouldn't "bother" them at all. I am always concerned about encroaching on other people's time and space. I actually feel stressed when I'm standing in the way of someone else at the grocery store, even though I have just as much of a right to stop and think about what I'm buying as they do. I know I'm not the only one who apologizes for a messy house. Everyone does that. I barely walk into someone else's house without hearing it. Unless it's so bad that a guest can't sit down, I promise our clutter isn't hurting other people in any way. My sister can find another spot to sit. People can wait for me to make a decision. If my friends and family are annoyed by answering a text, they probably aren't good people to have in my life.

By taking up less space; by talking quieter or reaching out less, I really am trying to "exist" less in a way. I need to think of myself less as a burden and more as an asset to my environment. It is such a hard thing to me. I apologize too much. You could argue that this is a result of a mid-western upbringing. You could say it is the conditioning of women in our society. Both are probably true. But the heart of it is this. I have to believe I am worth enough to take up your time and space. I am important enough to be seen and to be heard.

You Belong

Imagine you are in a room full of people, but no one is looking at you. No one is talking to you. You are physically uncomfortable, wishing you were in your bed or at least somewhere familiar. You've been there, right? I think we all have. That out-of-place feeling is something everyone has to go through in life. Discomfort isn't always a bad thing. What is important is that we all find our reprieve. We all need to be able to "go home."

I personally believe a sense of belonging is just as important to our well-being as food or shelter. I'm very serious about this. The feeling of not belonging is like starving. Your physical body may look no different, but your mind shrivels up. In my previous classroom, some of my students needed nourishment in the form of food, but ALL of them needed nourishment in the form of belonging. It is a top priority for me to know my students names. I greet them each day. I ask them questions. I tell them I missed them when they are gone. I don't care if they enjoy my class. I care that they feel seen and their presence is acknowledged.

This doesn't change when we grow up. Most people I know, unfortunately, dislike their jobs and the number one complaint I hear is that they feel unappreciated or like they don't belong in that job. It isn't about phony "team-building." It's about genuine connections and feeling like contributions are valid.

As I have just moved to a new city, it is very easy for me to fall into the category of "not-belonging." My environment is new, but "going home" isn't about a physical place. On my trip down here, I stopped in my home town. That house used to be my safe place. That school used to feel like home. Now, they are just buildings. We make our home in places we feel belonging and I know I will eventually find where I belong here. I still have family that has always made me feel wanted. I have friends that, although not near me, show me I belong when they answer my texts or phone calls. We can all belong somewhere. If you are feeling unwanted or unseen, keep looking around that crowded room. You will find your home. You belong.

All The Ways to Show You Care

While all the talk and attention this season has been about the series finale of Game of Thrones, the same week a series finale of a show I have watched for a LOT of years aired: The Big Bang Theory. And while no series finale can please everyone, I really enjoyed this ending. While a light-hearted comedy throughout, this show oftentimes bumped up against important life themes like friendships, relationships, and compromise.

In the last episode, Sheldon gives a heartfelt speech to show his appreciation for the important people in his life. This was out-of-character for a guy who viewers often ask "Why are they even friends with him?" after he insults, belittles, or infuriates them. The speech came after his wife, Amy confronts him in this scene:

Sheldon: How can you call them friends when they are abandoning us? 
Amy: They're abandoning us because you broke their hearts. 
Sheldon: I didn't mean to.
Amy: I know. You never mean to. That's the only reason people tolerate you. 

Something about that really hit Sheldon hard...and it stuck with me as well. Friends and family can hurt us the most because we care about them and their opinions and reactions the most. But actions or words don't always reflect intentions. Advice from a parent may make you feel embarrassed or annoyed when really the fact that they are there to give their input is an extraordinary act of caring. A friend might not listen to you when you really want them to or may hurt your feelings, but you know that in an emergency, they would drop everything to help. If you know that about someone...they care.  In Big Bang Theory, Sheldon annoyed the living hell out of everyone, but he was always there for people. While his help wasn't always ideal, showing up is caring. I say the wrong thing all the time, but I hope the people I care about know that those in-the-heat-of-the-moment words don't reflect my heart.

There's a million ways to show you care about someone. Try to look past the small moments and look at the bigger heart of people. And, like Sheldon, also take time to be explicit and say the words sometimes too.

What I Learned in My First Four Years of Teaching

Today marks the last day of my 4th year teaching at Park Middle School.

Three years ago, on this final week of my first year, I was a mess. My classroom was a literal mess of broken pencils and graffiti on the tables. My kids were out of control. My mental stability was hanging on by a thread. I felt like the kids hadn't learned anything and I was a terrible teacher.

This year, during this last week, I watched students work hard to perfect their final projects and clean up after themselves without asking. I easily organized my classroom to pack it up. The kids smiled and laughed and cheered each other on during final games and activities without ever disrupting other classes. I am confident that every single student has improved in one aspect of reading. I don't think I'm a great teacher and I definitely haven't slept much this week, but I definitely don't feel depressed and over-stressed either.

So what happened in the last three years to improve the quality of my final days? What have a learned? The answer is A LOT. But, if I had to break it down, here are the most important things I have learned as a teacher:

1. Get to Know Your Students. While this is always something I tried to do, I didn't realize how important it was at first. When you greet students by name and mention something you know about them or ask them personal questions, they begin to feel respected and safe in the classroom. When students feel safe, they relax and don't react in volatile ways as often. When they feel respected, they give more respect in turn. The authentic relationships you build are amazing too!

2. Find a Balance. In my first year...or two... Who am I kidding? Even this year, I found it hard to separate my personal life from my teacher life. I would lug piles of papers home and spend nights in bed typing lessons or creating presentations. I found myself worrying about a student issue in the middle of a conversation with a friend or family member. I know now that is essential for my mental well-being to separate myself and take a break. By leaving papers to grade and my work computer at school most days this semester, I have forced myself to stop and do things for myself. This makes me calmer and, just like my students, I have less impulsive responses to situations at school when I have had a break.

3. Be Honest with Students. So many people gave me advice my first year to be strict and firm for the beginning of the year and not show signs of weakness. Actually, my second year I worked even harder at "acting tough" because I figured that is where I went wrong. I don't act at all anymore. I am myself. I don't deny students and give consequences "because I said so" or to exude power and control. Whenever I can, I explain my decisions. While the response: "You can't go to the bathroom right now because you'll miss the instructions and they are important. Can I have your attention for a while and then we'll come back to this if you still really need to go?" is a lot longer than "No!" I guarantee it gets better results. Students generally want to work with you and like when you explain things. I also admit my mistakes. If I do react harshly, I will tell them why I was upset and apologize. Some may say that shows weakness. I believe it models how to correct your mistakes.

4. Don't Let Tests Be "The End." Tests are supposed to show us what students know or don't know. They should be used to better our students not just label them with a letter. When almost everyone in my class failed a test, I used to be upset with them for not listening. Now, I take time to figure out how to reteach or approach the material differently. I think this also helps with management because students get out-of-hand when they are frustrated or give up. I don't give up on them and I tell them I expect them to never give up on themselves either. That common understanding that there is no "end" to any lesson has changed my classroom dramatically.

5. Tell Kids the Positive Things. I know. This can be hard. Especially, when "that kid" tests your patience again and again. I work every day to notice good things though. "Hey, I really appreciated you sitting down before the bell rang today" can change a bad day to a good day. It really can. I also make more positive phone calls home than I did before. My kids are amazing. They should know it. Their parents should know it. Confident kids work to be better. Self-conscious kids act out in different ways.

6. Classroom Set-Up Matters. My first year, I set up my room with rows of desks because that is what I had my entire career as a student. That is how classrooms look, right? Why do these kids deserve any different? Now, I spend literally hours before a school year thinking about access to materials and ability to work in groups and how I am going to move around the classroom. I did a mock walk-through this year. I'm serious. I sat in every chair to make sure they could see important posters with class rules and all of the white boards. It was time well-spent because my classroom worked this year. I was able to actively monitor. My kids didn't need to move all over the room. Plus, the pops of color made my room more welcoming...which gives a feeling of safety (See #1).

7. Ask for Help. I am still SO bad at this, but I at least know it and am trying. My first year, I didn't know where the teacher's lounge in my school was for two whole weeks and didn't want to ask anyone. I'm serious. So silly. I figured out online grade books and printing and fire drills and material orders all by myself. I felt like if I asked, I would be judged. Who cares? It is such a waste of my time and mental energy to do things myself that others could do more efficiently. Sometimes a co-worker has extra materials that will make your life so much easier (Thank you Heidi and Karla!). Sometimes, that computer problem is a one-second fix with help and a one-hour job alone. Oftentimes, talking through a problem with another teacher or administrator will give you a new perspective you could have never seen on your own.

I am going to miss Park so much! But, I have learned some great lessons here that I know will help serve me in every teaching experience I have to come.