I Like Me Better

There are people in our lives that we want to get to know more. They are interesting or funny or kind. We are attracted to their energy. Something much more rare and special, though, are those people who shine that energy back at us. Instead of just wanting to get to know them, we want them to get to know us. We open ourselves up without feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious. As the song goes, "I like me better when I'm with you." As Ross says in the episode of Friends that is coincidently on in front of me right now, "I love the person I am when I'm with you." We all deserve people like that; that not only make us feel important and beautiful and interesting, but whose presence actually pushes us to be better people. 

Finding these people is hard. I make it even more difficult for myself. I fall into category #1. I love lots of people. I want to get to know lots of people. I want to help people and do things with these people. But I always assume they wouldn't want to know me. I assume they are annoyed or irritated by my presence. To be fair, many, many people have been annoyed by me in my life. I can be overbearing and very loud. However, the sigh my sister responded with might have nothing to do with me, but with her stressful day. The lack of communication with a good friend may have more to do with her busy schedule than her feelings about me. 

This is starting to sound like a blog where I tell you I should be more positive and presume good intentions and open myself up, huh? That would follow the typical pattern of my posts. Here's the truth, though. I can't do that. I can try. I could tell myself to not take things to heart and be confident in myself. I could tell myself that every hour of every day. I still wouldn't. I would still feel like I was falling short. Here's the good news. I'm lucky enough to be a teacher of middle school students. And even though that is a dreaded age group for most, with those kids, I never have to guess feelings. 😂They will tell me when they hate me and tell me when they love me. They'll tell me when I'm being "lame" and when my dress looks pretty. And, when I'm teaching, I feel in my element. It is when I'm the most confident and least worried. In fact...I like me better when I'm with them.

6 more days until the first day of school!

Goals for A New Year

Tomorrow marks the first day for me as a teacher here in Arizona. While it will only be trainings all week, which will most likely be boring, I am so excited to get started. For those of you who don't know, I am teaching something completely new this year: English Language Development. I have worked with many students in my past four years of teaching that spoke another home language, but never before have I been given the task of specifically helping them develop their English language. I know my teaching practices as a reading teacher will serve me well in this new venture, but it is a new state with new standards and test, a new school with different expectations and procedures, and a very different demographic of students. While in some ways that is daunting, it is also incredibly exciting. I really can't wait. To mark this powerful new moment in my life, I , as always, made a list. There will be a learning curve. I won't get a lot right. I want my expectations to be realistic. This is what I want from this year:

1. I will learn something every day. Even if it is what doesn't work with a group of students or something new about a single student. If I walk home knowing something I didn't know coming into the day, I have accomplished something.

2. I will share my love of reading...and writing...and speaking. I may not be a reading teacher anymore, but I can't think of a better way to learn English than by reading. I learn new words all the time when reading books. I know not all of my kids will love reading like I do. In fact, it will be an incredibly frustrating enterprise for many of them. I think attitude goes a long way. If I am just honest about my love for all of these things, students may see potential for the same love with practice.

3.I will have an organization system. While many amazing teachers are very disorganized, I learned in the past few years how less stressful a school year can be if you do the work of really thinking things through up-front.

3. I will give students the opportunity and the encouragement to participate. I think this is incredibly important when learning a language. I know Spanish in theory fairly well, but I am not fluent because I never actually talk to people in that language. When I am given the opportunity, I always feel as if everyone is judging what I say. So, it is my goal to make sure the environment is safe and encouraging for everyone to talk without judgement.

4. I will be open to feedback. I think one of the best ways to get better is to ask others with more experience. As I learned early on from speech competitions, it is difficult to take negative feedback, but if we utilize the criticism and understand it is not a personal attack, we can get better. I also think it's important to ask students how they feel things are going. I don't have to take all advice, but I need to listen to all of it.

I am so excited to start this new adventure and will keep you all up to date on the things I learn along the way!

Taking Up Space

A few days ago, I was lying on the couch, my body stretched up so I took up the entire length of it. I was so relaxed. Then, my sister walked into the living room and I immediately sat up. "Sorry," I said; an automatic reaction. She wrinkled her forehead and asked, "Sorry for what? Existing?" I replied, "No, taking up space."

Obviously I meant I was sorry for taking up the entire couch. Practically, I was just trying to be polite, but as I said it, I thought, "Damn, she's right. Taking up space IS existing. I just apologized for existing."

I continued to think for the rest of the evening about how I often I do just that. I mean, how often do you say, "I'm sorry to bother you"? I say it A LOT. Even when I'm just talking about important work-related things to a coworker, which shouldn't "bother" them at all. I am always concerned about encroaching on other people's time and space. I actually feel stressed when I'm standing in the way of someone else at the grocery store, even though I have just as much of a right to stop and think about what I'm buying as they do. I know I'm not the only one who apologizes for a messy house. Everyone does that. I barely walk into someone else's house without hearing it. Unless it's so bad that a guest can't sit down, I promise our clutter isn't hurting other people in any way. My sister can find another spot to sit. People can wait for me to make a decision. If my friends and family are annoyed by answering a text, they probably aren't good people to have in my life.

By taking up less space; by talking quieter or reaching out less, I really am trying to "exist" less in a way. I need to think of myself less as a burden and more as an asset to my environment. It is such a hard thing to me. I apologize too much. You could argue that this is a result of a mid-western upbringing. You could say it is the conditioning of women in our society. Both are probably true. But the heart of it is this. I have to believe I am worth enough to take up your time and space. I am important enough to be seen and to be heard.

You Belong

Imagine you are in a room full of people, but no one is looking at you. No one is talking to you. You are physically uncomfortable, wishing you were in your bed or at least somewhere familiar. You've been there, right? I think we all have. That out-of-place feeling is something everyone has to go through in life. Discomfort isn't always a bad thing. What is important is that we all find our reprieve. We all need to be able to "go home."

I personally believe a sense of belonging is just as important to our well-being as food or shelter. I'm very serious about this. The feeling of not belonging is like starving. Your physical body may look no different, but your mind shrivels up. In my previous classroom, some of my students needed nourishment in the form of food, but ALL of them needed nourishment in the form of belonging. It is a top priority for me to know my students names. I greet them each day. I ask them questions. I tell them I missed them when they are gone. I don't care if they enjoy my class. I care that they feel seen and their presence is acknowledged.

This doesn't change when we grow up. Most people I know, unfortunately, dislike their jobs and the number one complaint I hear is that they feel unappreciated or like they don't belong in that job. It isn't about phony "team-building." It's about genuine connections and feeling like contributions are valid.

As I have just moved to a new city, it is very easy for me to fall into the category of "not-belonging." My environment is new, but "going home" isn't about a physical place. On my trip down here, I stopped in my home town. That house used to be my safe place. That school used to feel like home. Now, they are just buildings. We make our home in places we feel belonging and I know I will eventually find where I belong here. I still have family that has always made me feel wanted. I have friends that, although not near me, show me I belong when they answer my texts or phone calls. We can all belong somewhere. If you are feeling unwanted or unseen, keep looking around that crowded room. You will find your home. You belong.